Help for USNA Personal Statement

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fingerscrossed123

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Hello all,

I am currently applying for the USNA. In the application, there is an essay requirement. I am just here to receive feedback and see what I can do better. This is a rough draft, and I expect to change some things in the future.

(1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long-range goals, and



(2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.

Since my father came back from deployment, I have always wanted to serve the country. For background, my father served for around 22 years in the Navy and was deployed to Afghanistan for 8 months of those. Due to this, I have always looked up to him as a hero for serving the country and for helping save the lives of multiple US soldiers and civilians. The things he has done in the Navy and for the country inspire me, and it makes me want to follow in his footsteps and join the naval service. The Naval Academy is well known as one of the top academies to go to, and as soon as I heard that, I wanted to join it. I did my research and found out about the Navy Summer Seminar. I got accepted, and there I found out more about life at the Naval Academy and the values the Naval Academy demonstrates. I spoke to multiple officers from both the Navy and the Army, which got me even more engaged to be a part of the Naval Academy. I took up multiple leadership opportunities, such as Boys Swim Team Captain, Senior Patrol Leader for my Boy Scout Troop, and Boatswain for my Sea Scout Ship; in addition to Eagle Scout, the Summit Award, and the Chapter Vice Chief for OA.

The Naval Academy will help me achieve my long-range goals in many ways. One example of this is helping me learn and advance through my desired field, which is Electrical and Computer Science. Another example that the Naval Academy will help me achieve is my desire to go into the Navy. After all, my father was in the Navy and performed some heroic undertakings, and for me to follow in his footsteps and serve the nation would achieve multiple long-range goals.

In high school, I was part of a Chemistry class. Later in the year, there was a huge project final coming up. At some point, I found out that a friend was doing people’s projects for $50. I knew I would feel guilt and shame for not reporting it to the science teacher, so I submitted an anonymous report telling the teacher about it. During this ordeal, I knew my character was being tested, be it from God himself or someone else. I felt really guilty for doing this to my friend and the cheaters, but I knew I needed to have the integrity to turn them in. One of the tenets of the Scout Oath is to be “morally straight”, and if I broke that, would it even be right for me to deserve Eagle Scout? I feel like this event impacted my character by being one of the “realization” points where I truly believe that I realized that having integrity and doing the right thing when no one is looking is truly one of the biggest elements of character I value most.
 
There's a lot of fat here. Each sentence should be active and make a point.

My Dad served in the Navy 22 years including a deployment to Afghanistan. (check)

I have always looked up to him as a hero. (check)

The things he has done in the Navy inspire me. (What things? Why did they inspire you?)

etc. No need to be verbose. Make your points... bam, bam, bam.

One more thing - no need to tell them things they already know, like USNA is one of the top academies or colleges. They know that. Maybe, instead, talk about the challenges of going to a top academy and how you're prepared to face them.

Just one man's two cents. A review of the rest of the essay is left as an exercise for the author.

Good luck!
 
An”anonymous” report you sent to a teacher burning your friend and several classmates for cheating.

This is the one statement that truly jumps off the page for me.

In bright blinking neon lights.

Especially the anonymous part and the friend part.

That statement good or bad will elicit reactions. Strong reactions IMO.
 
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I recognize you are on the cusp of adulthood and peer pressure is strong, and “going along” is the comfortable thing.

Did you think about confronting your friend who was doing wrong? Verbally, in person, direct and clear, uncomfortable and awkward most definitely, when you had first-hand evidence that wrong was being done? Taking a stand and openly pointing out wrongdoing would have been something to consider. If someone is a friend, do they not deserve the truth from you directly if you see them making choices that could negatively impact their lives, even if it cost you the friendship and social criticism? Who else can you hear truthful feedback from if not your friends? What would a true friend have done? Do you feel absolutely great about your choice? Or is there something sticking in your mind about it? You could have given the friend an opportunity to stop and walk it back, or come clean of their own volition and take the consequences. It is good that you did not cheat. It is good that you did something to stop it. Now, spend some time thinking about the internal fortitude and courage it would have taken to address your friend and let them know you were disappointed in them, that it was wrong, and you hoped they would stop, but if not, you would be compelled to take appropriate action. There will not always be an option to report anonymously and avoid difficult situations. Will you just stand by and let it happen because you don’t want to be in an uncomfortable situation?

This is all offered as food for thought, with no requirement or desire for a reply, just as a mental exercise in personal growth and finding your moral compass. You took action to address a wrongdoing. Could you have done more? This story may not have the effect you intended, but it may have real merit if it serves to stimulate further reflection as part of your journey to adulthood.
 
And I would not want anything in my kids essay , that elicited very strong reactions from others, unless I was sure those reactions would be seen uniformity as good positive reactions by ALL who will be reading..

And this anonymous stuff will not be seen that way be all

I would delete any mention of the cheating and your response to it.

Unless you want to turn it in its head, after reading Capt MJ comments, just above and tell the reader why confronting your friend would have been the correct thing to do and how you have learned how to be a better shipmate because of the incident.

otherwise I’d delete any reference to it.
 
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As always CaptMJ hits the nail on the head. During BGO interviews we would always discuss the honor concept….what it meant, why’s it’s important, etc. Then I asked a very similar scenario to what was described above. Many answers were similar to the OP…but then I said pretty much the same thing CaptMJ said…would you really just go tell on your friend?

Disclaimer: regardless of the answer, I never held the response against the candidate, but it was a good thing to chew on if they were to have a Naval career or just for life lessons.
 
usnabgo08 said:
As always CaptMJ hits the nail on the head. During BGO interviews we would always discuss the honor concept….what it meant, why’s it’s important, etc. Then I asked a very similar scenario to what was described above. Many answers were similar to the OP…but then I said pretty much the same thing CaptMJ said…would you really just go tell on your friend?

Disclaimer: regardless of the answer, I never held the response against the candidate, but it was a good thing to chew on if they were to have a Naval career or just for life lessons.
Click to expand...
I always include a discussion of the Honor Concept in my interviews but for me its both an information dissemination topic along with a
view into their knowledge of USNA which can give some visibility into candidate motivation. I try to make sure that the parent (s) are present when
this is discussed.
 
First 2 paragraphs: These don't go into enough detail. Too "sweeping" and "high concept" but I don't know YOU any better. I don't want to hear about your getting into NASS and that you went. Condense that down to something more like, "At NASS, I learned.....I experienced..." You are the expert of you and your experiences. Don't repeat what is already bullets/on your resume/bubbles on the application. Give me an example, specific story, drop the needle into the action. What is it about your dad's service that inspired you, shaped/molded you? What long term goals? Why this particular major?

3rd paragraph: Scrap this and pick a different topic. It's a no-win, and as experienced posters have noted, it is asked in just about every SA interview in some variation. So let the BGO give a synopsis of your family and your understanding of the honor code. But in YOUR essay, it should be all about you. The prompt is very broad so take advantage of it - any topic that conveys your character and inbedded in any story is the integrity, but the prompt does not say it has to be about the honor code. Your 3rd paragraph doesn't really show me anything about you.

I think you are probably much more interesting and have a lot more good stories that answer the prompt, but you haven't flushed them out yet. How about a good swim team story? Something that happened on a trip with Boy Scouts? An experience with your dad during his 22 years (and not merely the fact he served 22 years).
 
I feel like any child of a service member could write this essay.

Write the essay only you could write.

What do I mean? Read this.

obviously this is for college essays but the underlying principles still hold. Admissions people see your numbers...SAT/ACT, GPA..but essays are designed to get to know more about YOU personally. So why write an impersonal essay that others could have written?

Some things to think about:
You say "Since my father came back from deployment, I have always wanted to serve the country" Well what about before deployment? What changed? Was there something specific that triggered this? Was it what he did? What was that? Was it something he said?

You say "for helping save the lives of multiple US soldiers and civilians." Exactly how did he do that?

"The things he has done in the Navy and for the country inspire me" What are examples?

"here I found out more about life at the Naval Academy and the values the Naval Academy demonstrates." What did you find out that you didn't know? How did they demonstrate those values?
 
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