Help on nomination ESSAY

Discussion in 'Nominations' started by Tommysnake, Jul 16, 2014.

  1. Tommysnake

    Tommysnake New Member

    Jul 16, 2014
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    I need someone to help look over my essay and critique it, give me some new ideas, or just comment on it.. Thanks in advance:

    I was only about seven when I asked my grandpa about his job in the Navy during WWII. After losing all he had to hurricane Katrina just two weeks earlier, it was almost odd to see his face light up as he told me stories about his adventures serving in the Navy. Since then I knew in some way I would contribute to America's armed forces and the thought has not left my mind for more than a second. I plan on becoming a pilot in the U.S. Air Force, Navy, or Army. I look forward to leading a crew and flying some of the most advanced aircraft in the world. I feel as if attending one of the four service academies is the best way to prepare me for military life and life as a pilot.
    The education one receives at a service academy is world class and extremely challenging. I believe I am prepared to overcome these challenges having taken several honors classes and being enrolled in dual enrollment classes for my upcoming senior year. I value learning new skills over just about anything else. As Benjamin Franklin once said, "[a]n investment in knowledge always pays the best interest." However, despite the many attractive opportunities and benefits a service academy offers, I'm more interested in becoming a servant of my country and a representative of the people. The new skills I will gain from attending a service academy will help me with my career in protecting through aviation.
    I believe that I have what it takes to not only be accepted into an academy, but excel upon graduation. Honor, pride, strength, dedication, teamwork, and discipline are among my greatest values. These values will guide me to a life of success in a service academy. I believe I am a well rounded individual, however there is always room to improve, which is another reason I plan on attending a service academy. The four main service academies provide a remarkable opportunity for students to grow mentally, physically, emotionally, and more importantly morally. While these character traits can be learned at traditional civilian colleges, the service academies make personal development, which is a priority for me, their priority.
    I believe each and every one of us, given the right opportunities, is destined for greatness, and with the skills I'll attain through a service academy, I can fulfill mine. As we all know freedom is far from free, so how can I ask others to protect and fight for us if I'm not willing to do the same? Becoming the strongest version of myself is why I want to attend a service academy and graduate as an officer.
  2. kinnem

    kinnem Moderator 5-Year Member

    Oct 21, 2010
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    I'm going to be what I think of as compassionately blunt here.

    Too much about what the military and an academy can do for you and not enough what you can do for them. What was it about what your grandfather said that inspired you? You "believe you have what it takes". How about demonstrating that in the essay with a short example? Anyone could have written this essay. How about an essay about YOU! Maybe take one or two aspects of this essay and go more in depth.... eg. Why do you want to be the "strongest version of yourself"? What are you going to do with that?

    Keep at it. Don't mean to be cruel here but this essay didn't sell me on you... and I know you want an effective essay. :thumb:
  3. Pima

    Pima 5-Year Member

    Nov 28, 2007
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    +1 kinnem.

    I would also say did you count how many I's you have in your essay, let alone every other sentence?

    Sorry, but your essay reads to me like everyone else's and it doesn't make me say I need to meet this kid.

    That all being said as a candidate why would you want anonymous posters reviewing your essays? Take it to your ALO/BGO/FFR they are the ones that read essays every year. They also know what your competition's essays look like(you're not their only candidate asking for a nom). Your first hurdle is to win a nom., and they are the ones you have to beat.
  4. usna1985

    usna1985 10-Year Member

    Jun 9, 2006
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    What is the question you are answering? I assume it's "Why do you want to attend a SA?" but it would be helpful to be clear on that point.
  5. MemberLG

    MemberLG 5-Year Member

    Jan 4, 2011
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    I would think many people would think your essay is okay or good.

    For me, it lacks substances. I am also assuming the question you answering is why you want to attend a SA.

    If so, I read it as your #1 reason is to become a pilot. There are other ways to become a pliot. Perhaps I am biased because I am not a pilot, but I get turned off when a candidate talks what I consider a secondary reason more than the primary reason to attend a SA.

    "I plan on becoming a pilot in the U.S. Air Force, Navy, or Army."

    "I look forward to leading a crew and flying some of the most advanced aircraft in the world"

    " . . . prepare me for military life and life as a pilot."

    "The new skills I will gain from attending a service academy will help me with my career in protecting through aviation."

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