Joke for the Day

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by USNA69, Jan 12, 2007.

  1. WAMom68

    WAMom68 10-Year Member Founding Member

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    Love the blonde jokes! Now I have some new ones to send to my blonde friend - she collects them. Here is another one:

    --Why do blondes hate M & M's?
    Because they are too hard to peel.

    In this house we collect redneck jokes. My husband is always telling us he comes from a family of rednecks, he is kidding, but we do love the jokes.

    --Why did God invent armadillos?
    So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half-shell.


    --Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?
    Because there are no dental records and the DNA is all the same.

    During cadet basic training my son was always looking for new jokes or trivia. This one was a big hit with the cadre:

    --What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in common?
    Someone's fixin to lose a house trailer...
    :yllol:
     
  2. USNA69

    USNA69 Banned

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    With all the textiles and furniture industries moving off shore, many consider themselves fortunate to be able to afford a house trailer.
     
  3. Just_A_Mom

    Just_A_Mom 10-Year Member

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    Yeah, we know.... no offense was intended, I'm sure but it does sound like a country song (apologies in advance to those who enjoy the genre).
     
  4. WAMom68

    WAMom68 10-Year Member Founding Member

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    Yes, my grandmother lives in a very nice house trailer. It was joke, no offense was intended.

    This brings up a good point. Almost all jokes have the potential of offending someone.
     
  5. Antoinette

    Antoinette 10-Year Member Founding Member

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    There is no such thing as being PC on a joke thread! Now back to the jokes.....

    THINGS YOU'D NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY:

    I thought Graceland was tacky.

    No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

    Do you think my hair is too big?

    Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

    The tires on that truck are too big.

    I've got it all on a floppy disk.

    Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?

    Damned if that polititian ain't honest!

    We're vegetarians.

    I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

    You can't feed that to the dog.

    Trim the fat off that steak.

    I just love the Opera

    Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

    Wrasslin's fake.
     
  6. USNA69

    USNA69 Banned

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    One day, three SA moms were on their way to heaven.

    God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

    So the MMA mom made it to the 45th step and laughed.

    The USNA mom made it to the 200th step and laughed.

    But the Woop mom made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

    God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

    Woop mom said "I know. I just now got the first one!!!"
     
  7. USNA69

    USNA69 Banned

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    Three teachers were trying out for the new NASA teachers in space program. Coincidentally, all three teachers were parents of service academy midshipmen or cadets. First, they called the mma mom in and asked her a question.

    "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"

    After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

    They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

    Next, the USNA mom entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.

    Finally, the Woop mom entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the other two. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

    The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

    Woop mom smirked and put her hands on her hips as woop moms do so well and stated: "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
     
  8. Antoinette

    Antoinette 10-Year Member Founding Member

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    A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms. The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.

    The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the taps full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.

    The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you-name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep.
     
  9. Just_A_Mom

    Just_A_Mom 10-Year Member

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    Antoinette - I love your joke. I would like to rewrite it however.

    I would substitute Army Officer for physicist, Air Force officer for engineer and Naval Officer for mathematician. Make that Retired Naval Officer. Make that one specific Retired Naval Officer (who posted previously) :thumb:
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2007
  10. Antoinette

    Antoinette 10-Year Member Founding Member

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    Doesn't teaching Math make one a Mathematician?

    Here are two more:

    One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
    The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
    The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.
    The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said "I declare myself to be on the outside."



    The physicist and the engineer are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. They yell out for help: "Helllloooooo! Where are we?"
    15 minutes later, they hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're in a hot-air balloon!!"
    The physicist says, "That must have been a mathematician."
    The engineer asks, "Why do you say that?"
    The physicist replied: "The answer was absolutely correct, and it was utterly useless."
     
  11. Just_A_Mom

    Just_A_Mom 10-Year Member

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    Oh Antionette! You are cracking me up!!! :yllol: :shake: :wink:

    Good thing we all have a great sense of humor!! :biggrin:
     
  12. bz2010

    bz2010 10-Year Member

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    I was just reminded of this story about Arty the hitman the other day...

    Seems that Arty had a buddy who finally decided that he just couldn't take his wife any longer and wanted her 'taken out" - so he contacted his friend Arty about "doing the deed". Arty tells him that he has to charge him something since it's his business, but as a frien, he'd cut him a good deal & only charge one dollar to make the hit on his wife. The guy agrees & Arty begins to stalk the wife...

    Catches her unawares one day as she's comig out of the grocery store - grabs her, chokes her & throws her in the trunk of his car. Unfortunately there was a witness nearby, so Arty has to grab him, choke him & throw him in the trunk of his car. Just as he's about to make a getaway, the bagger runs up - Arty, in desperation, grabs him, chokes him & attempts to dispose of him also...

    Of course by now, the police are on the scene & arrest Arty the hitman & take him away.

    The grocery store, in an attempt to capitalize on the heinous crime that occured in its parking lot, puts up a sign the next day...

    ARTY CHOKES 3 for $1.00!
     
  13. Just_A_Mom

    Just_A_Mom 10-Year Member

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    A young Ensign approached a crusty old Master Chief and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

    "Well," replied the Master Chief, "the insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and tradition.
    As an Ensign, we give you a gold bar, representing that you are very valuable but also malleable.
    The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade also represents significant value, but is less malleable. Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars.
    As a Captain, you soar over the common sailors, hence the eagle. And when you make Admiral, you are obviously a star.
    Does that answer your question?"
    "Yes, Master Chief," replied the young Ensign. "But what about Lieutenant Commanders and Commanders?"
    "That, Sir, goes waaaay back in history - back to the Garden of Eden. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."
     
  14. USNA69

    USNA69 Banned

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    I don't get it.
     
  15. mdlrnc

    mdlrnc 10-Year Member

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    The joke is referring to the gold and silver leaf collar devices for CDR (Silver) and LCDR (Gold). Did you five and dive or something USNA69? :shake:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 12, 2007
  16. USNA69

    USNA69 Banned

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    I know what gold and silver oak leaf devices are. I wore them. Just can't figure out what they have to do with Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. I was hoping JAM would elaborate.
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2007
  17. mdlrnc

    mdlrnc 10-Year Member

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    Adam wearing a fig leaf to cover his manhood. :wink:
     
  18. USNA69

    USNA69 Banned

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    1. Officers don't wear fig leaf emblems.
    2. When Adam was in the Garden of Eden, he was naked.
    Maybe JAM had better explain it.
     
  19. Just_A_Mom

    Just_A_Mom 10-Year Member

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    JAM is not going to even ATTEMPT to explain this joke to you....:biggrin:
     
  20. jamzmom

    jamzmom 10-Year Member Founding Member

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    "THE FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS IN THE US NAVY"

    A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."
    A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, sir..."
    A Lieutenant JG saying, "Based on my experience..."
    A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."
    A Chief chuckling, "Watch this ****..."