Long but Funny

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by cga82, Aug 29, 2015.

  1. cga82

    cga82 Banned

    Jan 26, 2007
    Likes Received:
    Got this from a classmate.

    Follow these easy instructions with the aid of your family and friends to recreate the untold joys of life aboard ship. Kit easily adapts to Navy or Coast Guard use with the addition of appropriate color paint and logos (paint and logos not supplied in kit).

    Break into a chorus of "Anchors Aweigh," hum a few lines of "Semper Paratus," or if really motivated stand at attention and shout the "Marine Hymn" and enter the real world of life at sea.

    Anyone who need a reality check after watching a movie or program of smiling sailors at sea. It will most beneficial to former sea service personnel suffering from "brain fade" or those reporting to their first sea duty.

    However, those who would have the most to gain from the kit, recruits with illusions of sailing the seven seas in cruise ship atmosphere with ample leisure time among friendly natives in Bora Bora and high school students who has talked to an overly friendly person in uniform who mentions the word recruiter, will probably not understand.

    Module 1: Living Aboard Ship

    1.1 Buy a dumpster, chip the paint off down to bare metal, paint it gray, and live in it for six months. {Coast Guard simulations use white paint.}

    1.2 Run all the piping and the wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

    1.3 Repaint your entire house once a month.

    1.4 Place metal barriers on the lower 18" of every door in your house and add eight handles to every door..

    1.5 Pump ten inches of nasty half sewage water into your basement. Pump it out, clean up the mess and paint everything in the basement gray. Repeat frequently for added realism.

    1.6 On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, on Tuesday and Thursday set the temperature at 10 degrees. On Saturday and Sunday inform your family that they used too much water during the week and as a result all showering is secured.

    1.7 Stack all beds on top of one another in the closet. Raise your bed to within six inches of the ceiling. Stow all your clothing and possessions in a 36" x 18" x 12" locker. If anyone is sick and throwing up put them in the top bunk.

    1.8 Give the keys to your house to your next door neighbor. Instruct him enter your bedroom every morning at 0530 (5:30 am), and blow a whistle loud enough for Helen Keller to hear. Instruct the neighbor to shout in a amplified megaphone six inches from your ear, "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lit in all authorized spaces."

    1.9 Have your mother-in-law write down everything she is going to do the following day. Assemble your family and stand in the back yard at 0600 (6 am) while your mother-in-law reads her "Plan of the Day" (POD) to you. Stand around for 15-20 minutes and then have your uncle join the group read the same thing again. Repeat this everyday expect Sunday, unless you are simulating "at sea" in which case you may opt to do it seven days a week.

    1.10 Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the door that reads, "Secured - Contact OA Div at X-3053."

    1.11 When you leave your house make sure to take the phone off the hook so it will be busy all day. [ Mike C.]

    1.12 Observe the ship board multi telephone line rule. One line is always reserved for the use of your father-in-law, one line reserved for your mother-in-law, and the third line is reserved for official business. If you want to make a personal call, walk two blocks to a convenience store and wait in line at the pay phone. [Thank God for cell phones]

    1.13 Install a bell on the front porch. Whenever your father-in-law comes over ring the bell 4 times and announce his arrival/departure over a megaphone. [PO3 Petras]

    1.14 Every time you leave or enter the house salute the porch light and ask your dog for permission to leave or enter the dwelling. [Paul]

    1.15 ( Aircraft Carrier Simulation) At random intervals from 1000 to 2200 (10 A.M. to 10 P.M.), have a biker gang with sledgehammers pound on your roof to simulate the launching and recovery of aircraft. At night, after the family has gone to sleep, have the bikers drag chains and heavy equipment across the roof to simulate the 're-spotting' of the aircraft for the next morning's flight schedule. [AT2 Adam C. Vonder Ahe-Cossey]

    1.16 Install flashlights (battle lanterns) at the precise height at which to bang your head in the dark. Point the flashlight and important items (such as the sofa, all doorways, stove, etc). Occasionally turn the electric power off at the mains and run around the house turning on all the flashlights. [DC2 Scott Corbitt]

    1.17 Use an air-raid siren for an alarm clock. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]

    1.18 Remove all wrist watches from the family. Use the dinner bell as a systematic time indicator. Ring it madly when every body is their hungriest and announce the "Chow-line is not open for an hour." Do not drool when you hear bells. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]

    1.19 ( Aircraft Carrier Simulation) Have house mover relocate your home ten feet under Runway 19 at Chicago O'Hare International Airport for 6 months. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]

    1.20 Divide bathroom shower with three partitions. Remove shower nozzle and replace with kitchen sink dish sprayer hooked to the cold water line only. The "extra" two showers now represent actual percentage of operable showers. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]

    1.21 Remove bathroom sink, mirror, and all shelves. Replace with water fountain for shaving and hygiene use. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]

    1.22 Do Laundry using only the rinse cycle with paint thinner for detergent. Dry for 10 minutes and randomly redistribute. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]

    1.23 Have an electrician certify as 'safe' and hang a tag on every electrical appliance you own, no matter if the appliance is brand new or if its own manufacturer claims it is up to safety standards. [Michael White]

    1.24 Buy a two year calendar. Carefully mark your EAOS (End of Active Obligated Service) day two years out, and number the days back to the present date for a long count down. Mark each day off for two years, dreaming of the "get out day." Then march down to personnel and ship over (reenlist for additional years service). [Radioman]

    1.25 Place fire extinguishers on the bulkheads (walls) of your home at elbow level next to the door openings to conveniently rip your shirt. [FC2 Pickett]

    1.26 Stand in your living room with all the lights turned out, except for one red light by which you read a small print book. [QM2 Judd]

    1.27 On the hottest day of the year, have your local mechanic inspect all the fans and air conditioners per the "MIM" (maintenance instruction manual)/PMS for resistance to ground. When he finishes, have him announce, "They failed the 'xyz' and 'opq' tests. I'm required to cut off all the plugs." [Former Carrier Sailor]

    1.28 Place your home on large hydraulic jacks. At random intervals, kill the lights and have the jacks move your home to and fro at unexpected intervals and angles. (Simulates dropping the load {loss of power} in 20 foot seas). [ABF2 Yanes]

    1.29 Gather the family and drive to McDonald's. Park twelve blocks away, line up and slowly walk toward the front entrance moaning and griping each step of the way. Reach the door at closing time and have the manager yell, "Chow is secured." [William Jackson]

    1.30 Invite 60 street people with bad habits to room with you for six months at a time. When ashore at a naval air station take the worst three and room with them for the rest of the year. [AZC D.Velasquez USNR (Ret)]

    1.31 Move out of your home for six months leaving your wife with three children and dog for a tour of solo parenting. Return and immediately begin to tell your spouse how to run the house and raise kids. Warning - this usually result in revised copy of the rank structure and job descriptions for the home. [Steve Donovan]

    1.32 Four hours after you get into bed have your spouse shine a flash light in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong rack!"

    1.33 Have everyone in your family hang two pillow cases next to their bed with large clothes pins and mark them "white" and "blue" for their dirty clothes. On laundry day put the pillow cases into two separate trash bags and designate a junior family member to drag them to the laundry room. [SH1 Gil Orozco USN (Ret)]

    1.34 (Submarine Simulation) Go from house to house in your neighborhood when you need a place to sleep. Climb in the closest empty bed. The owner will wake you up when they want to sleep. [Norman Babcock CS3 (SS)]

    1.35 (Submarine Simulation) Cover a copy of UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice) with plastic. Screw it into the wall (bulkhead) next to the toilet for handy reading. [Norman Babcock CS3 (SS)]

    1.36 (Submarine Simulation) Move the contents of a grocery store into your house. Put the cans and boxes on the floor in the bedrooms, dining room and all the hallways. Stoop over when you walk to avoid whacking your head on the ceiling. [Norman Babcock CS3 (SS)]

    1.37 Place a large floor fan next to your bed and run full speed to simulate shipboard ventilation. If the fan goes off sit up in bed and yell, "We lost the load." (Power failure)

    Module 2: Evolutions

    2.1 Sit in your car and let it run for four hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off."

    2.2 Before leaving or arriving at any location require your family to stand on the hood of the car for the preceding hour. [Special Sea Detail]

    2.3 Empty all the garbage cans in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day even if they don't require it. [Sweepers]

    2.4 Stand in the sun for an hour without moving a muscle while your grandfather reads the complete Old Testament book of Numbers. [Change of Command, Retirement, etc.]

    2.5 While driving in foggy weather, instruct your children to turn around and look out back window and make reports on anything they see. [Low Visibility Watch]. [ PO Petras]

    2.6 Have your spouse set off the smoke alarm. Grab a pair of headphones (without walkman) and microphone (without cord), run into the kitchen and stand by the stove. To no one in particular say "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for four hours doing nothing. DO NOT sit down. After four hours say "Stove secured", once again to no one in particular. Return to your regular business. [PO Rich]

    2.7 String lines (ropes) from your roof to your neighbor's roof at 0500 (5am) have all family members assemble on the roof wearing lifejackets and hard hats. Stand around until 0800 (8am). Send everyone inside telling them it will be 2 hours until they will be needed and they should get breakfast. Wait until the first fork of food is in their mouth and call them back to the roof. Transfer the contents of your neighbor's garage to your garage using the lines strung from roof to roof. Repeat every 3 days changing the times to randomly interrupt every meal. [Underway Replenishment at Sea - Unrep] [BM2]

    2.8 Assemble the family at the local high school football field at 0600 (6am) every day. Have the kids line up side by side to the full width of the field. Tell them you have hidden a gold nugget on the field and if they find it they won't have to line up at the football field for one day. [Hint: It is very small.] Also inform them that mom is behind them and that she likes to collect things. Have the kids walk slowly toward the other side of the field, heads down, no talking, picking up every piece of chewed gum, lint, or pebble and hand it to mom to put in her handbag. Remind the children that there is a golden nugget so they will be excited and look more intensely. The purpose of the hunt is to keep the lawn mower from sucking something into the blades and spitting it out the other side. [FOD Walk Down] [Brad]

    2.9 Twice a week at 0230 have your neighbor sneak into your house with a bell and a bullhorn Instruct him to get as close to you as possible without waking you then ring the bell and scream through the bullhorn "Fire! Fire! Fire! There is a Class Alpha Fire in the Galley!" As soon as you peel yourself off the overhead (ceiling) get half dressed and run for the door, have him yell, "This is a drill!" [Fire Drill] [DC2 Scott Corbitt]

    2.10 Install a 10 inch composite loop fire main system in your house. Designate a closet in your house as a repair locker, equip it with firefighting gear. Hold fire, smoke, and flooding drills every day. [DC3 Dustin Strong]

    2.11 Enlist a team of paintball players to run through your dining room shouting "Security Alert!" At this, you should drop to the floor (deck). Best done during mealtime. [Michael White]

    2.12 Stand in line at the local mini-mart for a lottery ticket when the jackpot is around $100 million (simulates either the chow line, mail call, or the ships store on payday on an aircraft carrier). [Michael White]

    2.13 Button up your shirt to the neck; pull your socks up over your pant legs; put on a scuba mask and breath into a paper bag while trying to read your least favorite book. Do this for an unknown length of time. (General Quarters). [Michael White]

    2.14 (Submarine Simulation) Install air lines throughout your home with connections every eight feet. Store surplus gas masks (one for each member of the family) under the kitchen table. During your favorite dinner, announce with megaphone "toxic gas in the forward compartment, all hands don EAB's" (Emergency Air Breathing apparatus). Don the rubber mask and plug into air system. Wait two hours or until dinner is cold and thoroughly congealed. Announce "Secure toxic gas in the forward compartment. Drill is secured." Do not sit down to eat. Shovel food into your mouth while en-route to the garbage pail. Scrape remaining food from plate into garbage and run upstairs and sit in a closet for six hours. Repeat. [Paul Strauss]

    2.15 (Carrier Operations) Have your neighbor stand across the street on the darkest of nights. Give him a flashlight with a cone on the end so that he can signal you when the coast is clear of oncoming cars. When you're halfway across, have him change the signal as a car is ten feet from you and blaring its horn. Break into a sprint and trip over the curb as you try to find the darkest set of shadows to hide in. (Fly 3 LPO/AGO) [Melanye Francisco]

    2.16 (Carrier Operations) Assemble your neighbors on Super Bowl Sunday in the street with push brooms. Turn on all the garden hoses available and use extra strength dish detergent to wash the street. When half done turn on the fire hydrants to the part you haven't washed drenching everyone. (Flight Deck Scrub Ex) [Melanye Francisco]

    2.17 (Carrier Simulation) Move all of your neighbors cars in a seemingly random order 3-4 times a day. (aircraft re-spotting). Ensure at least 10% are deemed hanger queens (aircraft that are used as a parts store for other squadron aircraft) and don't bring them out of garage for six-months while removing 1-2 parts per day. At end of six-months give your kids 3 days to make them all perfect again. (Simulates preparing for Squadron Fly Off) Draw straws to see who must use them first. [Mark Trail]

    2.18 Cover your garage with plate steel. Label the door 'RADIO 1.' Buy an old Cadillac. Take the tires off. Hire a crane and have the operator lift the Caddy six feet and drop it on the roof of the garage every couple of minutes for two or three hours while you live inside the garage. (Gunnery practice or shore bombardment simulation) [Mike Casey]

    2.19 In winter (best around ten below zero), stand outside your house in a light jacket, with a white hat that doesn't keep in heat and a pair of latex gloves for the 2000-2400 (8pm to 12pm) quarterdeck watch. Invite every person you've ever met to your house at 2330 (11:30pm). ("Cinderella Liberty" - everyone back by midnight..). Salute every person that gets near you and grant them "permission to come aboard". Have your wife relieve the watch at 0015 (12:15am) dressed in warm clothes. Spend next two hours warming up and manage two hours of sleep before the next days work. [ET2(SW) Ken Kalish]

    2.20 On the interstate, follow close behind an eighteen wheeler, mimicking its every move. Do this for months on end. [Simulates plane guard for aircraft carrier]

    2.21 (Submarine Simulation) Make a large birthday cake for your brother-in-law's big party. Mix the batter and put the cake in the oven. Have your neighbor yell, "Prepare to Surface." Catapult the stove eight feet into the air and watch the cake batter pour out of the oven. [Norman Babcock CS3 (SS)]

    2.22 Before filling your car's gas tank hold a meeting six hours in advance of the station's opening. Assemble medical personnel, all your immediate relatives, safety observers and the fire department ready with fire hoses three hours before the station opens. Require everyone to line up on the sidewalk at parade rest as the clerk opens the station. Send a fuel sample to a testing lab before starting to fill up. (Refueling at sea) [GM3]
    MI1289 and Idzak like this.
  2. flieger83

    flieger83 Super Moderator 5-Year Member

    Jul 26, 2008
    Likes Received:
    This is classic!

    Just sent to my Mid at USNA!

    USAFA '83
  3. usnabgo08

    usnabgo08 USNA 2008/BGO 10-Year Member

    Jul 15, 2007
    Likes Received:
    That was a pretty good summary. They should add one for a man overboard drill.

    "Have the neighbors go outside and lay a red glow stick in the street at 0230...then shortly after, have the same neighbors enter the house, sounding a bull horn and yelling in a megaphone "man overboard"...assemble everyone in the kitchen, then once accounted for, send two family members to the car...everyone else goes on the roof, throw a smoke based firework in the direction of the glow stick....keep a sharp lookout. As the family maneuvers the car closer to the glow stick, use a walkie talkie to report back that it was just a light and not a person. Repeat weekly until this can all be done in less than 5 minutes."

    In all honesty, man overboard are serious and are heart wrenching at night, especially if it is a real thing! So while this provides some humor, you never know when a man overboard will be the real thing and someone's life is in jeopardy.

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