Long Distance Relationships

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usna27

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Jul 4, 2022
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I have been dating my S/O for over a year now, and he is going through BEAST at West Point (class of 2026). I am leaving for the Naval Academy Preparatory School in a few weeks, so I will be a year behind him (class of 2027).

The service academies have been our dream since the beginning of high school. We understand how challenging it will be, not being able to talk every single day, constantly grinding on school work, and countless nights of PT. We want to make it work, though, more than anything.

S/O before he left for R-Day said that things between us will work out. I’ve been holding on to that to keep myself sane.

We also told each other that the SAs will always come first. Our relationship can wait.

My S/O have a lot in common, which drew us together in the first place. Played the same sport, both in band, enjoy the same music, service acadmies, etc… we’re even recruited for the same sport at our respective academies… so I feel like our relationship is pretty strong.

I’ve been writing him letters everyday. I haven’t gotten a response from him, but his coach did tell me that he’s received them. Just hasn’t had the time to write back. (Also worried that he might lose feelings for me while at beast… typically girlfriend overreaction though haha)

For those of you currently in the 2% club, and even those who failed, can you spare some advice on how to make it work? Not too harsh, though!
 
Do YOU, especially what you need to do to prepare for NAPS. Focus on what you can control. I think once you are at NAPS, you will be just as crazy busy and rushed for time and out of touch and hit by conflicting priorities as he is right now, and you can empathize more. You have too much time to think about it right now.

If and when you hear from him by any means, be delighted and pleased and positive. If you don’t, blank your mind about it - don’t let your imagination fill it with negative scenarios - and focus on other things, like hard PT to dump oxytocin into your system and clear away the fog of doubt. Take this time to mature and look forward to new challenges. You too will be working hard in the coming months and years.

This relationship will take work, taking it day by day (sometimes hour by hour), and with both of you challenged by distance, lack of F2F communications and candidly, diverging paths. There will be much to figure out in the coming years - summers where you might not see each other, spring breaks that don’t align, and the Big Challenge, commissioning paths that will likely take you to different career paths not necessarily close together. Put all those worries on a shelf to be dealt with later. Your life path and his will unfold as they will, and you cannot anticipate the twists and bumps that await you.

Commit to honest communications, always being thoughtful of the other’s welfare. Kindness, grace and trust go a long way toward lubricating the wheels of distance-challenged relationships. Be the thing in his day that is a source of light and joy and ease for him, not something that brings pressure and a feeling of work that is not worth it. Once that feeling sets in, fatal fissures may develop.

Hope for the best, appreciate the good times, realize you are young and still learning how to manage young adult relationships (which older adults are still learning too) and give it your best effort. People change, feelings change, they stay together, they drift apart - you can only live in the here and now.

Good luck at NAPS in your journey to a USNA appointment and a future as a Navy or Marine Corps officer!

P.S. I don’t claim to be a member of the 2% club, but draw on my experience of a dual military couple with 56 years AD between us and almost 40 years of marriage, often assigned at opposite ends of the country or with an ocean in between.
 
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Focus on yourself...while sending good vibes to your love. You all are going to have a very busy year but everyone should have his or her cellphone back and email by August so it will go quickly.
Don't worry if it will work out--have faith that if it is meant to work out then it will and you will face hurdles like everyone else and overcome them together. If this is not meant to be forever then it is ok too--you will work through it if/when the time comes. Worrying about 'are we going to make it' is like a wasted wish.
So, accept that communication will be challenging this summer but that you all will have exciting stories to share with one another in August--and then you can figure out when you can see one another again...hopefully before Thanksgiving--maybe a three day weekend in September (Labor Day) and October (Columbus Day)...Think of the happy reunion...and worry about the details later.
 
My 2 percenter made it (and married!!). I also have one who’s relationship didn’t make it. And almost contributed to a drop. Of my 4 children…only one came out with the same person they went into college with. If it’s meant to be, it will.

Honestly, in having recent conversations with him, it was a blessing to be away from each other. They both got to live their own lives and experience college with friends and buddies. VS having your SO right there with you, occupying your time. Both of them did things they probably wouldn’t have done if each other was with them. And they saw each other on breaks. And obviously FaceTime is a game changer. DH and I were also sweethearts that were seperated, survived, and married. 35 yrs ago (😱)!

It takes a lot of communication and trust. But a mature relationship with have both of those things.

There also is nothing wrong with realizing you have grown further apart, as you mature into your adult self. That also happens! And is not unique to a SA. Neither of you will be the same person going in, as you are coming out. That’s how it is with everyone, no matter what school they attend.

Great advice already. But my biggest piece, is to give yourself, and each other, permission to have a fantastic collegiate experience. Bc you don’t want to have regrets afterwards. If it’s meant to be, it will be.
 
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My 2021 OG was a 2% and are now happily married at their first duty station. It wasn't easy, but coming to terms that it will be hard early on made it easier on both of them. Now, with you both living in the SA world, you both will know what the other is dealing with in most senses, so that will help. Best of luck, always rooting for love.
 
usna27 said:
I have been dating my S/O for over a year now, and he is going through BEAST at West Point (class of 2026). I am leaving for the Naval Academy Preparatory School in a few weeks, so I will be a year behind him (class of 2027).

The service academies have been our dream since the beginning of high school. We understand how challenging it will be, not being able to talk every single day, constantly grinding on school work, and countless nights of PT. We want to make it work, though, more than anything.

S/O before he left for R-Day said that things between us will work out. I’ve been holding on to that to keep myself sane.

We also told each other that the SAs will always come first. Our relationship can wait.

My S/O have a lot in common, which drew us together in the first place. Played the same sport, both in band, enjoy the same music, service acadmies, etc… we’re even recruited for the same sport at our respective academies… so I feel like our relationship is pretty strong.

I’ve been writing him letters everyday. I haven’t gotten a response from him, but his coach did tell me that he’s received them. Just hasn’t had the time to write back. (Also worried that he might lose feelings for me while at beast… typically girlfriend overreaction though haha)

For those of you currently in the 2% club, and even those who failed, can you spare some advice on how to make it work? Not too harsh, though!
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Worried about this as well. My girl is going to the University of Texas, and I really want to make it work.
 
1) write often, not expecting a reply.

2) If you hear from him, like others say, be positive "Tell me all about it!" and not "you never write!"

3) My advice is, until you are married, live your life like you would if he wasn't there. But don't get married just to be married or get better housing. Get married when you are ready to. Decide if you or he wants to compromise your/his careers because you are trying to stay near them geographically.

4) If you are meant to be, then you both will make it through this. BUT

This is what usually happens with HS Boyfriends/Girlfriends (in general, not specific to SAs):


You swear YOU TWO ARE DIFFERENT! You can make it work!

At first you facetime every day!

But then you realize that is annoying to your roommate/you have no privacy so you try to find times to facetime when your roommate isn't there.

But you have classes and he has classes and you joined that club and he is on the intramural soccer team so maybe we can talk on Tuesdays.

He has that co-ed group of friends he goes out on weekends with and you have your group from the dorm.

Oh, here comes Fall break...but his is at a different weekend than yours so you can't get together...

There is that one person in the group that you/he kind of likes...but you have girl/boyfriend!

Why isn't he talking to you as often? or Why are you looking at excuses not to talk to him?

So you look forward to thanksgiving...but by then you are kind of really into that other guy/he is really into that other girl and you kind of get together over break and ooohhhhh noooo you have a fight about not talking as much anymore and you break up.

It's called the Turkey Drop.
 
My DH and I aren't part of the 2% club but we did survive a dual service marriage. We met my Firstie year at USAFA. I think your respective times at USMA and USNA will be the easier part. You will both be very busy doing your own thing and focused on graduating. As long as you both understand that the SA takes priority over the relationship for the 4-5 years, you'll be fine. You'll understand exactly what your BF is doing during the schoolyear and summers. You won't be worried by the lack of letters, emails, or calls. I think this is a lot harder for SOs at civilian universities, even those participating in ROTC. SAs are all-consuming and require focus.

The harder part is being married in different services. DH and I lived together for maybe 6 months of the 5 years we were both in. Technically, we shared an address for about 2 of those years but schools and deployments got in the way. The AF was pretty committed to getting me close to DH offering me choice assignments and TOS waivers. The Army didn't care one bit and refused to work with us. I'm not sure what the Navy's stance is. We chose our to prioritize our marriage and both decided to get out. The decision was easy for DH but harder for me as I loved my career field and mission. In the end, it was the best decision I ever made. I don't share this to scare you, just to prepare you. You will have to make tough decisions for your relationship or career. That is okay and expected. Take 1 day, 1 month, 1 year at a time.
 
Capt MJ said:
DH attributes our longevity to the very fact it hasn’t been 40 years day-in/day-out togetherness…🙄
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I used to travel extensively for my global business role, sometimes gone for up to two weeks while DW held down the fort with two little ones. More recently, I did a “long commute,” hopping on a plane on Sunday evening, spending the week in a bachelor pad, then flying back on Friday evening to spend the weekend at home. It was grueling but it paid well.

I’m pretty sure all this distance and absence has helped — not hurt — our marriage. There’s such a thing as “too close.”
 
usna27 said:
I have been dating my S/O for over a year now, and he is going through BEAST at West Point (class of 2026). I am leaving for the Naval Academy Preparatory School in a few weeks, so I will be a year behind him (class of 2027).

The service academies have been our dream since the beginning of high school. We understand how challenging it will be, not being able to talk every single day, constantly grinding on school work, and countless nights of PT. We want to make it work, though, more than anything.

S/O before he left for R-Day said that things between us will work out. I’ve been holding on to that to keep myself sane.

We also told each other that the SAs will always come first. Our relationship can wait.

My S/O have a lot in common, which drew us together in the first place. Played the same sport, both in band, enjoy the same music, service acadmies, etc… we’re even recruited for the same sport at our respective academies… so I feel like our relationship is pretty strong.

I’ve been writing him letters everyday. I haven’t gotten a response from him, but his coach did tell me that he’s received them. Just hasn’t had the time to write back. (Also worried that he might lose feelings for me while at beast… typically girlfriend overreaction though haha)

For those of you currently in the 2% club, and even those who failed, can you spare some advice on how to make it work? Not too harsh, though!
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Been in two long distance situations during my life time: one failed (probably for the best), and one worked (hooray!). I wish you the best ... whatever happens!!!
 
bopper said:
1) write often, not expecting a reply.

2) If you hear from him, like others say, be positive "Tell me all about it!" and not "you never write!"

3) My advice is, until you are married, live your life like you would if he wasn't there. But don't get married just to be married or get better housing. Get married when you are ready to. Decide if you or he wants to compromise your/his careers because you are trying to stay near them geographically.

4) If you are meant to be, then you both will make it through this. BUT

This is what usually happens with HS Boyfriends/Girlfriends (in general, not specific to SAs):


You swear YOU TWO ARE DIFFERENT! You can make it work!

At first you facetime every day!

But then you realize that is annoying to your roommate/you have no privacy so you try to find times to facetime when your roommate isn't there.

But you have classes and he has classes and you joined that club and he is on the intramural soccer team so maybe we can talk on Tuesdays.

He has that co-ed group of friends he goes out on weekends with and you have your group from the dorm.

Oh, here comes Fall break...but his is at a different weekend than yours so you can't get together...

There is that one person in the group that you/he kind of likes...but you have girl/boyfriend!

Why isn't he talking to you as often? or Why are you looking at excuses not to talk to him?

So you look forward to thanksgiving...but by then you are kind of really into that other guy/he is really into that other girl and you kind of get together over break and ooohhhhh noooo you have a fight about not talking as much anymore and you break up.

It's called the Turkey Drop.
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Fabulous response!!! And if it ever feels one-sided, it's more than likely doomed to fail ... it's just part of life.
 
I think the harder part of this relationship will not be surviving the SA's together but rather what comes after? How many joint bases or close army and navy bases will you have to choose from?
I am married to my high school sweetheart but never had the long distance part of the equation.
 
Well, if you want my two cents: it might be better that y'all split.

Obviously, each relationship is different and only YOU two can make the right decision. But bringing an SO to college is like bringing sand to a beach, IMO.

That said, do what you two decide is best for your futures.
 
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