Most absurd sea (or land) story?

scutrules

scutrules

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Got inspired to ask when answering a different question. Mine below are copied from my previous answer.

I have two regarding this CO: https://www.navytimes.com/news/your...nder-of-this-navy-warship-walked-off-the-job/

- Navy ball (CRUDES heavy, we were Gator Navy so had no desire to go) was less than a week away, some CAPT showed up and asked her why only two people from the ship had signed up to attend (CO and a chief). She had a nice long chat with all of us wardroomers about how she was so embarrassed by us and that we had 24 hours to sign up to this $80 a ticket ball. In order to be excused, we each had to submit an excuse as to why we were not attending. Our SWO had to make a spreadsheet. Turns out tickets were no longer on sale anyways so we couldn't have purchased any if we wanted to (which I found amusing). Even our XO didn't attend...

- We had a wardroom outing and CO showed up and played Pokemon Go the ENTIRE time. She even brought a portable battery so she could keep playing when her battery ran out. Was obviously difficult to engage with her during this entire evening. I was on duty the next day and OPS came into the jungle and told us the CO was demanding he speak to the wardroom about our rude behavior towards her all evening. She apparently didn't like that people weren't actively talking to her. I told OPS that maybe if she had unglued her phone from her face, we could have had a nice conversation. I had stood next to her for 10 minutes waiting to say hello and she didn't once look up from the phone. I think OPS tactfully relayed the message to her because we never did get talked to about that evening.
 
Since I was the one who asked you the “different question,” I’ll add one of a boat load of sea stories and stay with the CO theme. One day at sea on board USS Cochrane DDG 21, the 1MC blared, “Duty Corpsman-bridge.” The BMOW’s voice indicated I’d best be double timing it up there. I beat my HMC, the IDC, there and found SN Jones lying on the deck unconscious. He had been on the helm and suddenly fell and according to other watch standers, had had a seizure. Jones, not his real name, was breathing and had a fast and thready pulse. My chief finally showed up and I gave him a patient report and told him we needed to get him to sick bay. We got Jones packaged into a Neil Robertson litter and with help from a couple litter bearers, got him to the sick bay exam table.

My chief had been aboard a few months and already had a reputation for being an incompetent bumbler. He had previously been a physical therapy technician with no prior operational experience. IDC school is a year long but they can’t teach everything. By the time I attended three years after this event, I had been on two ships, been with the Marines, and taught A school.

Back to the story. Jones was on the table and while I was applying a blood pressure cuff, he stopped breathing. I inserted an oro-pharyngeal airway and started bagging him (breathing for him with bag-valve-mask). I look up and the Chief is staring at me. He was in psychogenic shock. Thankfully Jones’ heart didn’t stop and spontaneous respirations returned. I noticed the CO standing in the sick bay doorway. He said, “Chief, do you think you can handle things here for a few minutes?” Ahhh, yes sir the chief mumbled. The captain then looked at me and directed me to go with him. He took me to CIC for a red phone conversation with a medical officer on the Midway. I gave him a patient report and ran back to sick bay to package up Jones for medevac. A SH-3 was already circling overhead waiting for the pick up.

We got Jones off, secured from flight quarters, and I walked the short distance to sick bay with the adrenaline dump still in effect. The Chief wasn’t there so I had a chance to after-action in my mind what the bleep had just happened. My minute alone didn’t last for long. The 1MC again, “HM2 xxxxxxxx-captain’s cabin.” I almost spoiled myself but double timed it to the old man’s cabin. Commander James Francis Shannahan was the finest CO I had up to then, and after, ever served with. I got there with his door open and he waved me in. He got right to the point. He told me he was thinking about relieving the HMC for cause and wanted to know if I could run things until his replacement caught up with the ship. We were in the Middle East during the Iran-Iraq war with no port in sight for 110 days so it might be awhile before another IDC showed up. I told him I could. He said very well, I’ll let you know what I decide. He ended up not firing the chief and we had a change of command at sea shortly after. I ran into Captain Shannahan years later as the IDC on the Bowen. He was CO of a tender that we had an availability with. I attended the in-brief on his ship and spent a few minutes catching up.

Edit: I re-read the thread title. My sea story is not absurd but I do have a few absurd ones.
 
I enjoyed Devil Doc’s story, though it was definitely not absurd. Lucky sailor to have had you there, Devil Doc.
 
My first CO was "a piece of work". This was an H-series Army aviation unit commanded by a major in the ROK (Republic of Korea). The environment was insane. He would have his POV repaired in the motor pool using government parts. He would take charge of unit funds and the money would disappear. Our unit was given its beer ration, and the beer disappeared. Yes, a beer ration was a thing back then. We got an aircraft full of Heineken.
He would take an aircraft and be gone for days. We would ask the 1SG where he was, and he had no clue. Neither did the XO or OPSO. We had no clue what to do. Then he would reappear at odd hours, call the JO's to his office at 0200 and start yelling at us in a drunken fit because we didn't do things the way he wanted when he was gone. During one of these tirades, he threw a fire extinguisher at me and another LT. It embedded itself in the wall. I could go on. It was insane. Our BN HQ was 75 miles away so they had no idea any of this was happening, though the clue should have been LT's and captains requesting a transfer out of a line unit to staff. LT's turning down flight time??
Things came to a head when he lost some stuff. He ordered me into his office and, in front of the XO ordered me to sign for the items he lost. The XO said he did not think that was a legal order, but the CO told him to piss off. Well, something like that but stronger. I refused to sign the documents. The CO ordered me again to sign and said it was a legal order. I could see the XO shuffling, but the CO was glaring at him. I again refused. He then called the 1SG and ordered me to be placed under arrest pending a court-martial. The 1SG seemed to be expecting this. We went out in the hall where two confused E-4's were waiting. The 1SG ordered them to escort me to my BOQ room and that I was under house arrest pending a court-martial. The E-4s were really dumbfounded. I told them to relax, that we would do as told. We got there and I put them in my roommate's room (thankfully he was on leave), and told them I wouldn't go anywhere without them.
At this point, the battalion CO got involved and told my company CO that he was out of his mind. I requested an immediate transfer, but so many LT's had requested transfers that things were looking bad. The BN CO told me to stay put and he would take care of me.
That didn't happen and I got a career ending fitness report.
I PCSed and assumed my career was over. Talk about humiliation.
Then I ran into a JAG officer at the O-Club at my next duty station. One thing led to another and the subject came up that I was a washed out O-2 passed over for O-3. He told me about the OER (officer evaluation report), appeal process.
It was a long, arduous process, but I appealed the fitness report. It was eventually thrown out. The colonel who interviewed me for the appeal said they had passed the report I wrote to JAG and they were considering bringing the CO, who had since been cashiered himself, back on active duty for a court-martial based upon my statements and those of other officers in the unit.
But I had already been passed over for captain and was out processing from the Army. I was at one of the stations when the civilian handed me the phone and said it was for me. It was my current BN CO. He said some paperwork was messed up for my discharge and I needed to return to the unit. When I got there he was there with my wife and the entire staff. He told me that a special promotion board met and promoted me to captain with a backdated date of rank, back to the initial board that passed me over. "Do you want to get out, or get promoted?" My wife pinned on my captain bars. I will be honest. I broke down and wept after she started crying. Well, my BN CO started tearing up first.
There was pretty much a blanket amnesty after that for all the officers in the unit who had poor fitness reports. A few years ago I was proud to attend the retirement ceremony for a colonel. He and I were LT's together in that unit and we argue to this day over who the fire extinguisher was thrown at. He also had a career-ending fitness report thrown out. A couple of the warrant officers who had tried to protect me also had their career ending fitness reports thrown out. One of them a WO2 at the time later became a prominent senior warrant officer in the 160th SOAR.
A hilarious story. One of the LT's is now a general officer. He told me out that of the blue the former CO showed up and asked him for a civilian job. After spitting out his coffee he told him... no. Or something like that.
Sorry so long. Probably not something I should share.
NSDQ.
 
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On a lighter note. Team Spirit '89. I think. We were supporting a Marine unit. They would fly into a highway strip from Okinawa, offload their HMMV's, then we would sling load them into a landing zone.
HMMV's were new and the UH-60A was designed to haul Jeeps, not HMMV's. The HMMV could only have 1/2 a tank of gas for us to lift it. So we told the Marines to only have their tanks 1/2 filled.
The first aircraft tries to lift the Marine HMMV and the blades start to fold. It lands and the crew chief goes over to the HMMV. He comes back shaking his head.
The Marines did EXACTLY what we told them to do. The HMMV's only had 1/2 tanks of gas. But they put the rest of the gas in jerry cans and strapped them to the HMMVs.
Shouldn't we be telling these stories at the O-Club while drinking?
 
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Not sure they fall under the absurd but I still get a chuckle when I think about it.

When I first joined the CG I was assigned to the USCG Presidential Honor Guard in DC for a couple years. It was 1976 and the Bicentennial Celebration was in full swing. Queen Elizabeth was making a visit to the US, her first stop was Boston. She had flown in and then was taken out to her Yacht, the Britannia so she could make an entrance docking at the Coast Guard Station in Boston.

We all formed up on the dock right below the gangplank, the press was off to the side, just a small number of press and photographers were there, nothing like you see today. The Queen and Prince Phillip along with Admiral Siler started to disembark, about a third of the way down the Queen slipped, it was like slow motion, she rolled to her back and landed with her legs straight into the air. The Admiral helped her up and they simply turned around and went back to the yacht. The British Security walked over to the press and politely asked them to remove their film, they did, and were given time to reload, the Queen made a second and uneventful trip down the gangplank.

Being directly at the bottom of the gangplank we had the best view of her tumble, I have to commend ourselves because as far as I know nobody even broke a smile, that was not easy to do by the way. The Queen completed her second trip down with grace, as if nothing had happened, although when she reached the dock and walked past us, she did have a slight grin on her face.

Hard to imagine the days before cell phone cameras.
 
(This seems absurd to me - but considering that I have heard others tell almost the same story - it's probably pretty common)

I got into a UH-1 and of course everyone on board knew that I hated anything with a rotary wing, but especially the UH-1. ;)
I get my headset on, strap in to my crappy seat, and the pilot says over the com; "Who here has been in a helicopter crash?"
Everyone but me, raises their hand (of course). Oh, okay - I think to myself - this is how it's going to be. Nice. I close my eyes and take solace in the fact that it's only going to be 30 minutes in the air, by my estimation. About 3 minutes after dustoff, hydraulic fluid starts leaking onto the floor by my feet. I say over the com (in sort of a squeaky voice); "Hey, there's hydraulic fluid leaking back here!" the pilot responds with a deadpan; "Oh, that's okay, that's normal". I say; "It is?" and he says; "Yeah, don't worry about it".

Then about 10 seconds of dead air followed by; "Let me know if it stops".
Intrigued, I respond with; "Why?" to wit he replies; "That means we're out!".

Lots of laughter followed, from everyone but me.
 
Anyone with a few years experience has a bad CO story, stupid Lieutenant anecdote or a hilarious junior enlisted story. It is the fodder of many military social gatherings (formal and informal) and usually fueled with lots of adult beverages. Not sure if they all rise to the level of "absurd" but they are sure funny!

Back in the day, we all had those black government issue pens that were found everywhere. Not sure if the modern military/ government runs on those Bic classics, but it sure did back then. At one of my duty stations, the Supply Officer announced (with fanfare) that he was only going to order black replacement ink cartridges and would no longer order the whole pen. There was nearly a riot in the Staff meeting with this was announced. Guess he thought he was going to save the unit money.

In the meantime, at the end of every fiscal year, we would be tasked to going to the field and burning up all the munitions that were left over. Under the "use it or lose it" rules, the Infantry Battalion had to burn up all the munitions. I remember taking my Platoon to the grenade range and spending an entire week throwing hand grenades. Another platoon was sent to the machine gun range to fire rounds down range for an entire week. Talk about waste - and this idiot Supply Officer was worried about some pens??
 
[emoji897][emoji897][emoji897]
You know I have a sea chest full.

I am still sorting among the inane sexist idiot stories (first XO’s dead serious advice to me in my report-aboard office call, “I have one thing I really care about. Don’t sleep with the married men.” Me: speechless), and the truly absurd just-plain-crazy-life-stories.

I’ll find the right one to share. There are just so many.
 
USMCGrunt said:
In the meantime, at the end of every fiscal year, we would be tasked to going to the field and burning up all the munitions that were left over. Under the "use it or lose it" rules, the Infantry Battalion had to burn up all the munitions. I remember taking my Platoon to the grenade range and spending an entire week throwing hand grenades. Another platoon was sent to the machine gun range to fire rounds down range for an entire week. Talk about waste - and this idiot Supply Officer was worried about some pens??
Click to expand...

Boy if this isn't the truth.

While between assignments I did a short stint helping out at District Office Supply, it was at the end of a budget cycle. I received an order from a Chief Storekeeper on a Cutter, I was amazed at the quantities of some of the items. I got a call from him asking me to find out how much the items weighed and how they were boxed, not thinking too much about it I got him the information thinking maybe it had to do with storage placement. On another phone call he asked me if I thought these boxes would sink, I laughed and asked him if he thought his guys were that clumsy when loading supplies, his reply...."No, I just need to know that if we don't have the room for everything, which items will sink best when we throw them overboard." The CO signed off on everything.

The Use it or Lose it Budget method had to be one of the dumbest things I ever encountered.
 
I think lots of government budgets work that way. If they are given 1 million dollars (for example) for an annual budget, they have no incentive to spend less and save less because if they did so, the following years budget would be reduced by that amount. Therefore you are better off spending the money as you dont want your budget cut
 
Humey said:
I think lots of government budgets work that way. If they are given 1 million dollars (for example) for an annual budget, they have no incentive to spend less and save less because if they did so, the following years budget would be reduced by that amount. Therefore you are better off spending the money as you dont want your budget cut
Click to expand...

So true....and still the dumbest thing I've seen.
 
I stumbled upon eight (8) full 50-cal. ammo cans hidden in a shrub once, some distance outside the gate of a certain MCAS. Apparently, someone had stashed them there with the intent of coming back for them later.

I was on my way back to the base, in a somewhat combat-ineffective state, shall we say. I fell into the shrub, okay?

In true warrior fashion however, I sat on my 4th point of contact and tasked two Lance Corporals to go get them and take them back to the armory, because one thing I learned was "don't lift with your back, lift with your Lance Corporals".

Now that I read @USMCGrunt's post above, they probably just had to shoot it all up later on the range, to get rid of it. ;)
 
I have plenty of sea stories. This one is about drug ops with a Coast Guard LE Det. I was the IDC on the USS Bowen. Words have been changed so as to meet appropriate language requirements.

We pulled in to the Rodman Naval Station after transiting the Panama Canal and spent a couple of days. It was the most oppressive humidity I had felt to that point. It felt like I was wearing a sweater and walking along the bottom of a heated pool. We got underway and sailed under the Bridge of the Americas for the waters off the coast of Colombia. And I’ll be darned if we didn’t make a bust the first day on station.

The MA1 (the ship’s law enforcement guy) was walking the decks and noticed something floating in the water. The forward lookout, a deck seaman who should have seen the object, was asleep on watch.

“Thomas, do you see that?”

“Huh, what, hey MA1, what’s up?

“Were you asleep?”

“No, man, I’m cool.”

The ship got closer and we saw numerous bales floating in the water. Looking up the bale trail was a small boat of some sort. It was puttering along hoping to get away. Without going into all the mumbo-jumbo procedure for stopping a vessel on the high seas, I will say that the Coast Guard LEO Det boarded said vessel and found even more bales. The skipper, called the master on civilian ships, conveniently had a heart attack. Or at least he was pretending to have a heart attack. I was already on the port bridge wing watching the evolution. The CO thought the master was probably faking it but told me to head over and figure out what’s going on. Another IDC super power. Making a diagnosis without the proper equipment to make a diagnosis.

The Coasties launched their RHIB back to the Bowen to pick me up. The seas were calm and it was a pleasant couple of minute ride. The boat wasn’t very large. It looked like a shrimp boat without the booms and nets. I jumped over to the main deck where the four crewmen counting the master were in flex cuffs and guarded by a Coastie with a holstered Beretta M-9. I picked out the Old Man right away. He was indeed an old man. Dang.

“Habla Englees,” I mumbled in my best Spanish accent.

The old fella just looked at me. “English, do you speak English?”

“No”

Then how the heck do you know what I just said? Geez. I slid my blood pressure cuff between his smelly upper arm and chubby chest. Put my stethoscope ears in and squeezed the bulb. 220 over 110. Dang. I then listened to his heart for murmurs, gallops, clicks, and several other heart sounds. By then the Coast Guardsmen were ripping the bulkheads out and pulling more bales. I was about to tell my captain that I wanted to bring the master back to the Bowen for a better exam when the radio crackled. We had been ordered to rig the piece of crap for towing. We were all going back to Panama.

We got back to Rodman and a whole bunch of people were on the pier. Lots of interest in this thing. Some LEO types were waiting for the crew. These guys were wearing cargo pants with lots of Velcro. They had dark Polo shirts with no logo or identifying marks. I wasn’t told who they were. I gave one of them a patient report on the old man. He said he would take him from there. And take them they did. They all drove off in big SUVs with extra antennae and I never heard from them again. Meanwhile, I hung out on the pier for a few minutes watching bale after bale of pure coca paste being hoisted over to the pier. I somehow ended up with a video of the event. I keep it stored with the video of my CPO initiation.
 
We could do a stand-alone thread on “Absurd Stories/Excuses We Have Heard at Mast/NJP/Office Hours.” Add in “Service Academy Adjudications/Admin Hearings.”

Many involve convoluted tales of how prohibited substances got in the bloodstream and popped positive. There is always a new twist.
 
Capt MJ said:
[emoji897][emoji897][emoji897]
You know I have a sea chest full.

I am still sorting among the inane sexist idiot stories (first XO’s dead serious advice to me in my report-aboard office call, “I have one thing I really care about. Don’t sleep with the married men.” Me: speechless), and the truly absurd just-plain-crazy-life-stories.

I’ll find the right one to share. There are just so many.
Click to expand...
My wife was a parachute rigger as a lieutenant. When she showed up to her first duty assignment the battalion commander (O-5), stated outright that he refused to have a female lieutenant ruining his unit. So she was shipped off to a different camp where we met at the O-Club.
 
Capt MJ said:
Many involve convoluted tales of how prohibited substances got in the bloodstream and popped positive. There is always a new twist.
Click to expand...

We had a guy who was less than a week away from picking up his 214; he decided to celebrate his discharge by going down to TJ, buying over 200 pills of various sorts, smuggling them back into the US, and taking at least 50 in his barracks. We originally thought it was a suicide attempt but turns out he was just trying to get a stronger high and ended up accidentally overdosing. Poor guy did not get his honorable discharge.

JAG story I was told - Sailor popped positive, her excuse was that she was trying to give her child prescription meds (legally prescribed to the child) so she crushed the pill up and mixed it in a cup of yogurt. In a "monkey see, monkey do" attempt, Sailor ate a spoonful of pill-infused yogurt to try to convince the child to eat it. She demanded trial by CM and was found not guilty.

My favorite is still the "When I was back home three weeks ago, my cousin was smoking in his car but I swear I didn't smoke anything, I probably got a second-hand high from him." If you could get high like that, all of San Francisco would be constantly under the influence. Although, having been to San Francisco...
 
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