nomination essay help

[usna2025]

Hi all, I'm currently a high school junior and I decided to get an early start on my nomination essay for next year. I know it's actually very early, but I felt that the earlier, the better. NOTE: the essay is currently 514 words, if there is anything that you guys recommend to remove or simplify please let me know. Thanks!

Personal Statement
Despite coming from a nonreligious family, I strongly believe that my purpose is to help others in need. As a first generation American, my sister and I are the first in our family to fully experience the level of hospitality that this country has graciously given to us from birth. My immigrant parents were welcomed with open arms, and although they didn’t have much, with the help of this great country, they raised my sister and I to the best of their abilities; without the help of the United States, I would not be here today.
Growing up, I was always taught to be grateful and appreciate everything I had, and to help everyone that I could. I believe that the Naval Academy can help me achieve my goals of being a leader and giving back to not only the country that helped raise me, but to every country in need, continuously striving to be the best person that I can be, and making a positive impact on the world. For this reason I chose the United States Service Academies over traditional universities, and the Naval Academy in particular. Every year natural disasters strike across the globe, and every year the US Navy is first on the scene to render aid. From Haiti to Japan to our very own Texas, Navy officers and sailors are the first to action, upholding the Academy’s morals of duty, honor, and loyalty. As someone whose existence revolves around service to others, the Naval Academy’s mission to develop leaders to serve the nation stands out to me. Having been taught and motivated by excellent leaders in the community, it is only natural for that to be paid forward, and for me to become a teacher and motivator myself, not just in the community, but for the servicemen and women that I will have the honor of leading in the future as well.
During my visit to USNA a few years prior, I felt an instant connection to the campus, its traditions of service, and the morals that its graduates uphold. To walk the same halls as American legends such as William “Bull” Halsey and Chester Nimitz, among many others, was an indescribable feeling, and I strive to have the same impact on the world as they did. In my lifetime, I have had the chance to experience many different cultures and meet countless wonderful people, and I wish to continue that moving forward. I believe that the Naval Academy will grant me an opportunity to do just that, an opportunity that the other service academies could not offer to the same extent.
I am prepared to serve the nation in any capacity; however, given my dedication to putting others first, I feel that I would be best suited to Naval Aviation. As a Naval Aviator, defending the fleet and the thousands of lives that operate and maintain it is a top priority. This tremendous responsibility is not something to be taken lightly, however, I firmly believe that the United States Naval Academy will prepare me well for the task.

Also, I feel that I need to mention what I can bring to the table, but I'm not sure how to integrate it. Any help/tips are appreciated!

 

[#GoNavyBeatArmy]

One quick mention: The essay is 2,000 characters, including spaces. You are over the limit.

 

[usna2025]

One quick mention: The essay is 2,000 characters, including spaces. You are over the limit.

oops, didn't catch the character limit. thank you for the heads up!

EDIT: on closer inspection I didn't note a 2000 character limit for the sources that I am applying to. the only limits that I found were "500 words," "3500 characters," and "one page." i'll double check just to be sure

 

[#GoNavyBeatArmy]

Is this your essay for your Member of Congress (MOC) such as your Congressional or Senatorial nomination or for The Academy application?

 

[usna2025]

Is this your essay for your Member of Congress (MOC) such as your Congressional or Senatorial nomination or for The Academy application?

this is for my congressional nomination, not for the academy itself. i apologize for not making that clear in my post.

 

[Capt MJ]

I don’t usually respond in detail to these except to say avoid hyperbole, read it aloud so the tone doesn’t sound too over the top, and ask an English teacher to help revise it for grammar, spelling, syntax, parallel construction, etc.

There is one thing that struck me as a bit too much.

I really don’t think the Navy was first on the scene every year for natural disasters. Surely there were others who were actually first. Of course the U.S. Navy has a long history of humanitarian missions, and it’s perfectly fine that is an inspiration to you.

I am not sure sailors think too much about upholding “Academy morals.” They didn’t go there. The Navy Creed is what they know. In fact, everyone in the Navy is held to the Navy Creed.

As to the “Academy morals” you mention of duty, honor and loyalty, you might strike a more accurate chord if you discussed the Naval Academy’s values: Honor, Courage, and Commitment.

Naval Academy Values

Naval Academy Values page for Strategic Plan at USNA.edu. Updated Fri Jan 10 14:51:48 EST 2020.

www.usna.edu

This is YOUR story. Write the story no one else can write. Don’t waste words on telling USNA what it already knows it does.

The mission of the U.S. Navy is:
“The mission of the Navy is to maintain, train and equip combat-ready Naval forces capable of winning wars, deterring aggression and maintaining freedom of the seas.”

Humanitarian missions are not mentioned, though it’s certainly a part of what the Navy does when DOD supports broader missions of global community.

USNA produces warriors to lead and execute the mission above. What calls you to that? What values, ethics, skills, capabilities do you bring? Your multi-cultural background is certainly one, bringing you a different perspective and insight.

All notes and questions here are rhetorical, no reply expected. Good luck!

 

[#GoNavyBeatArmy]

Thank you for clarification; just make certain it is within their requirements.
You have plenty of time to tweak your essay.
Possibly consider asking one of your HS English teachers if they are willing to peruse your essay.
Good luck!

 

[usna2025]

I don’t usually respond in detail to these except to say avoid hyperbole, read it aloud so the tone doesn’t sound too over the top, and ask an English teacher to help revise it for grammar, spelling, syntax, parallel construction, etc.

There is one thing that struck me as a bit too much.

I really don’t think the Navy was first on the scene every year for natural disasters. Surely there were others who were actually first. Of course the U.S. Navy has a long history of humanitarian missions, and it’s perfectly fine that is an inspiration to you.

I am not sure sailors think too much about upholding “Academy morals.” They didn’t go there. The Navy Creed is what they know. In fact, everyone in the Navy is held to the Navy Creed.

As to the “Academy morals” you mention of duty, honor and loyalty, you might strike a more accurate chord if you discussed the Naval Academy’s values: Honor, Courage, and Commitment.

Naval Academy Values

Naval Academy Values page for Strategic Plan at USNA.edu. Updated Fri Jan 10 14:51:48 EST 2020.

www.usna.edu

This is YOUR story. Write the story no one else can write. Don’t waste words on telling USNA what it already knows it does.

The mission of the U.S. Navy is:
“The mission of the Navy is to maintain, train and equip combat-ready Naval forces capable of winning wars, deterring aggression and maintaining freedom of the seas.”

Humanitarian missions are not mentioned, though it’s certainly a part of what the Navy does when DOD supports broader missions of global community.

USNA produces warriors to lead and execute the mission above. What calls you to that? What values, ethics, skills, capabilities do you bring? Your multi-cultural background is certainly one, bringing you a different perspective and insight.

All notes and questions here are rhetorical, no reply expected. Good luck!

wow, this is exactly what i was looking for. thank you so much!

 

[2024candidate]

"I believe that the Naval Academy will grant me an opportunity to do just that, an opportunity that the other service academies could not offer to the same extent."

I'm probably your age, so take this with a grain of salt, but my opinion is that the quote above is a very important statement which isn't really justified. I think you need to remove some fluff from the essay and replace it with why the Naval Academy provides you with the opportunities you are looking for over the other SA's.

When I was preparing for my interview, I read some great advice on this forum which I believe applies to the essay as well: ATFQ: Answer the F***ing Question. If there's a sentence which is not related to the question or doesn't provide support to an answer to the question, then it shouldn't be there. A lot of the writing in the second paragraph is extremely vague, cliche, and uninformed -- I'd imagine it doesn't really support your answer to the question. (you don't give us the question, so this is a difficult assignment)


Example 1: "Every year natural disasters strike across the globe, and every year (redundant) the US Navy is first on the scene to render aid. From Haiti to Japan to our very own Texas, Navy officers and sailors are the first to action (REALLY?), upholding the Academy’s morals of duty, honor, and loyalty. (This is meaningless fluff without an explanation.)"

Example 2: "I am prepared to serve the nation in any capacity; however, given my dedication to putting others first, I feel that I would be best suited to Naval Aviation." (<-- Obvious first-thought: Why is putting others first more important in Aviation than any other service selection? Do you think other officers don't put others first?) "As a Naval Aviator, defending the fleet and the thousands of lives that operate and maintain it is a top priority." (Do you not think even the lowest rank enlisted servicemen are crucial to operating and maintaining the fleet? Why is an Aviator more important for maintaining the safety of the fleet than, say, a SWO? If you're going to state which career you prefer to go into, which there is not any need to, you need to be able to back it up with more than just, well, bullsh**.)

Example 3: "As someone whose existence revolves around service to others, the Naval Academy’s mission to develop leaders to serve the nation stands out to me. Having been taught and motivated by excellent leaders in the community, it is only natural for that to be paid forward, and for me to become a teacher and motivator myself, not just in the community, but for the servicemen and women that I will have the honor of leading in the future as well." -- This whole bit seems fake and cliche to me, but get a second opinion on that.


Hopefully this was helpful, and don't change anything in your writing unless someone else can back me up on this critique. Again, I'm a senior in high school and I consider myself to be a pretty strong writer, but I'm 18 and you should have your English teacher and college counselor look at this as @Capt MJ suggested.

 

[usna2025]

"I believe that the Naval Academy will grant me an opportunity to do just that, an opportunity that the other service academies could not offer to the same extent."

I'm probably your age, so take this with a grain of salt, but my opinion is that the quote above is a very important statement which isn't really justified. I think you need to remove some fluff from the essay and replace it with why the Naval Academy provides you with the opportunities you are looking for over the other SA's.

When I was preparing for my interview, I read some great advice on this forum which I believe applies to the essay as well: ATFQ: Answer the F***ing Question. If there's a sentence which is not related to the question or doesn't provide support to an answer to the question, then it shouldn't be there. A lot of the writing in the second paragraph is extremely vague, cliche, and uninformed -- I'd imagine doesn't really support your answer to the question. (you don't give us the question, so this is a difficult assignment)


Example 1: "Every year natural disasters strike across the globe, and every year (redundant) the US Navy is first on the scene to render aid. From Haiti to Japan to our very own Texas, Navy officers and sailors are the first to action (REALLY?), upholding the Academy’s morals of duty, honor, and loyalty. (This is meaningless fluff without an explanation.)"

Example 2: "I am prepared to serve the nation in any capacity; however, given my dedication to putting others first, I feel that I would be best suited to Naval Aviation." (<-- Obvious first-thought: Why is putting others first more important in Aviation than any other service selection? Do you think other officers don't put others first?) "As a Naval Aviator, defending the fleet and the thousands of lives that operate and maintain it is a top priority." (Do you not think even the lowest rank enlisted servicemen are crucial to operating and maintaining the fleet? Why is an Aviator more important for maintaining the safety of the fleet than, say, a SWO? If you're going to state which career you prefer to go into, which there is not any need to, you need to be able to back it up with more than just, well, bullsh**.)

Example 3: "As someone whose existence revolves around service to others, the Naval Academy’s mission to develop leaders to serve the nation stands out to me. Having been taught and motivated by excellent leaders in the community, it is only natural for that to be paid forward, and for me to become a teacher and motivator myself, not just in the community, but for the servicemen and women that I will have the honor of leading in the future as well." -- This whole bit seems fake and cliche to me, but get a second opinion on that.


Hopefully this was helpful, and don't change anything in your writing unless someone else can back me up on this critique. Again, I'm a senior in high school and I consider myself to be a pretty strong writer, but I'm 18 and you should have your English teacher and college counselor look at this as @Capt MJ suggested.

yeah i went back and took out or reworded most of the stuff you mentioned. thank you for your thoughts!

 

[2024candidate]

yeah i went back and took out or reworded most of the stuff you mentioned. thank you for your thoughts!

Do you mean to tell me I just spent all of this time trying to provide helpful feedback when the essay above isn't even the latest version? Yikes bro.

 

[usna2025]

Do you mean to tell me I just spent all of this time trying to provide helpful feedback when the essay above isn't even the latest version? Yikes bro.

it was certainly helpful lol, i do really appreciate the help. i have the latest version if you'd like to see if its any better than the original.

As a first-generation American, I grew up being taught to appreciate everything that I had and to help everyone in need. I take every opportunity available to me to assist others and make a positive impact on their lives in any way possible. My morals have matured as a result of this, and I believe that the United States Naval Academy is the right institution to help me advance my dedication to service.
Growing up, responsibility, commitment, and dedication were, and still are, a big part of my personal values. I believe that the military can help me uphold these values and shape me into the best person that I can be. Mentally and physically, I believe that the service will push me to my limits and beyond, allowing me to find and utilize my true potential. For these reasons, I chose the United States Service Academies over traditional universities, and the Naval Academy in particular. During my past visit to USNA, I felt an instant connection to the campus, its traditions of service, and the morals that its graduates uphold. Walking the same halls as American legends such as William “Bull” Halsey and Chester Nimitz, among many others, was an indescribable feeling, and inspired me to make a difference in the world. As someone whose life revolves around service to others, the Naval Academy’s values of honor, courage, and commitment, and its mission to develop leaders to serve the nation stand out to me. My personal values align with these morals, and although my multicultural heritage provides a slightly different perspective, their core meanings are universal: honor, serving others selflessly; courage, the relentless pursuit of excellence; commitment, staying true to these values and holding ourselves and others to these same standards--the same principles that I have lived by throughout my life. In my lifetime, I have had the opportunity to experience many different cultures and meet countless wonderful people, and I hope to continue doing so moving forward. At the Academy, I will continue to dedicate myself towards striving for excellence, being a motivator amongst, and setting an example for, my peers, the community, and the sailors that I will have the honor of leading following graduation. Having been mentored by the excellent people in my community, it is only natural for that to be paid forward, and for me to become a teacher and motivator myself. I firmly believe that the Naval Academy will grant me the opportunity to do so.

 

[gjayp]

My 2 cents, and it’s probably worth about that much

You have received a lot of good advice - namely, remove the fluff - they have seen and read it all before and it’s impressive the 1st 500 times but predictable after that,,,

You are a 1st generation AMERICAN - blow that up and what it means TO YOU, to your FAMILY and honestly get rid of the non-religious references. That’s a negative - instead phrase it in a positive light. ‘I feel honor and duty bound to help others because I know what being provided with an opportunity can do for others because it absolutely changed the course of my and my families lives to be provided the American Dream’ - that’s all you need as motivation, and it’s plenty!

Make it YOUR story - what’s your motivation, aspirations and personal beliefs that are going to make YOU an indispensable asset to THE UNITED STATES NAVAL SERVICE.

I would lose the Aviator references - everyone wants to be the Top Gun Aviator - instead, focus on how you would be an asset, want to make it a career and give back to the USA (and World) for the opportunities you have been given.

Then - have a Teacher proofread first you

Good Luck!

Ps - my DS rewrote his 5 times before I said it was good, really good [emoji6]

 

[usna2025]

My 2 cents, and it’s probably worth about that much

You have received a lot of good advice - namely, remove the fluff - they have seen and read it all before and it’s impressive the 1st 500 times but predictable after that,,,

You are a 1st generation AMERICAN - blow that up and what it means TO YOU, to your FAMILY and honestly get rid of the non-religious references. That’s a negative - instead phrase it in a positive light. ‘I feel honor and duty bound to help others because I know what being provided with an opportunity can do for others because it absolutely changed the course of my and my families lives to be provided the American Dream’ - that’s all you need as motivation, and it’s plenty!

Make it YOUR story - what’s your motivation, aspirations and personal beliefs that are going to make YOU an indispensable asset to THE UNITED STATES NAVAL SERVICE.

I would lose the Aviator references - everyone wants to be the Top Gun Aviator - instead, focus on how you would be an asset, want to make it a career and give back to the USA (and World) for the opportunities you have been given.

Then - have a Teacher proofread first you

Good Luck!

Ps - my DS rewrote his 5 times before I said it was good, really good [emoji6]

got it. thank you for your feedback!

 

[Therese_In_Denver]

NOTE: the essay is currently 514 words,

I can't remember the word limits for USNA essays (your eyes, and your parents will be swimming by the end of the Nom Apps and SA Apps). I got one incredibly helpful tip from a friend who writes a lot of documents with word count limits. She advised DS to do a word search for the word "that". Most occurrences, "that" does not add anything to the sentence. I remember this one search and selective delete process brought DS's Senator Bennet down to just under the word limit. Bonus: the sentences sounded stronger.

 

[#GoNavyBeatArmy]

I can't remember the word limits for USNA essays (your eyes, and your parents will be swimming by the end of the Nom Apps and SA Apps). I got one incredibly helpful tip from a friend who writes a lot of documents with word count limits. She advised DS to do a word search for the word "that". Most occurrences, "that" does not add anything to the sentence. I remember this one search and selective delete process brought DS's Senator Bennet down to just under the word limit. Bonus: the sentences sounded stronger.

What a terrific recommendation.

 

[justdoit19]

I can't remember the word limits for USNA essays (your eyes, and your parents will be swimming by the end of the Nom Apps and SA Apps). I got one incredibly helpful tip from a friend who writes a lot of documents with word count limits. She advised DS to do a word search for the word "that". Most occurrences, "that" does not add anything to the sentence. I remember this one search and selective delete process brought DS's Senator Bennet down to just under the word limit. Bonus: the sentences sounded stronger.

Also make all the contractions that you can:

I’ve it’s I’m we’ll we’ve they’ll isn’t aren’t etc....