lillian,
The problem asking others to read your essay can be described like the old cliche.
TOO MANY COOKS SPOIL THE BROTH.
The beauty of essays is it illustrates two things.
1. Your ability to write.
~~~ Next yr., be it at an SA or at college you will need to write many essays and term papers. If you are in APLIT currently, it might be you find yourself weak in this academic area, but in reality you are probably just very hard on yourself.
2. Insight into your personality.
~~~ Everytime you tweak it, part of your voice is lost, and becomes someone else's voice.
I would take it to your APLIT or APENG teacher and be done with it from that perspective. The only thing most people, including me will say is if the essay question of why the SA, please remember you want to set yourself apart.
~~~ Try to avoid the:
~ I have wanted to be an XYZ officer since I was 6.
~ XYZ SA offers a top notch education, and leadership that I strive for as a future officer.
~ I want to serve as an officer and the XYZ SA is the best option.
~ Also please try to make sure you limit the I, me, myself in the essay. Some people like me, will start counting how many I, me, myself in the essay because it is like an oral presentation when you keep hearing um, uh, hmmm. You start to lose sight of what is being said because all you are reading now is I decided I wanted to attend the SA as a 6 yr old when my grandfather told me about serving in the Navy during the Korean War. Notice, I had 2 I's, 1 my, and 1 me in 1 sentence.
Most importantly stay away from anything that can be found offensive by the reader. I can't remember which forum one essay was posted on, but they wanted to illustrate their scientific creativity. Built a 3 D working gun. His family said do not submit it. I agree with his family. I respect that he took the initiative to scientifically see if it could be done, but with a DD at VT, and after the CO shooting, and Sandy Hook, that was a little off putting to me, especially since I know the SAs are pressure cookers. They saw it as the author an accomplishment to make them stand out in a positive way, which in a way it was. I saw it as a reader, a little frightening.
You have only a few minutes to grab anyone's attention, grab it in the most positive way.
I am re-copying what MedB posted on this forum so you can understand what I am trying to illustrate about trying to avoid certain things.
MedB said:
The prompt was something around the characteristics/attributes that would make you a good cadet at an Academy; 300 words or less.
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Sweat rolls slowly down my face, to my jaw, off the tip of my chin and soaks into the growing dark pool collecting on my shirt. I can hear nothing but my breathing, a little staggered, rapidly trying to intake more oxygen than my lungs are capable of. Suddenly, I am all too aware of the pain signals my body is sending. My calves scream in defiance each time I take a step and push off the ground again. When a body is under this much strain, the brain is only capable of producing fleeting thoughts. The only ones I can produce are: It’s just a routine workout like the other five I’ll do this week. Why give my all? This is running.
I shove the pain into the back of my mind, letting my brain process the information it devised. Questioning the motive for tasks that are considered unimportant is normal. The level of difficulty seems unequivalent to the weight of the run. Like hundreds of times before, I mentally compare this run to a typical day of physical training I will face at a Service Academy. I am reminded again that at an Academy, the routine formations are just as important as the grand parades; much like an everyday run is just as valued as the big race. It is in that moment that I know that I will never quit in either situation. The realization dawns on me like never before; somehow this run is different. After years of questioning my motives, I finally discover that determination and perseverance are what drive me to never quit and do my best in any situation. They are a part of my being that will never change. I look at the road ahead, enlightened, and run faster.
