NROTC Essay Analysis

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BHudg7

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Does anyone mind reading over my NROTC application essay and giving me any advice? Whether it be grammatical or content related. Thanks!


Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer. Specifically comment on leadership positions you've held, the challenges you have faced and the lessons you have learned. (Limit 2500 characters)

I want to become a Naval Officer because I believe I was born a natural leader, and I can inflict positive change to whomever I am leading. At the young age of seven, I was awarded the SC NENA/APCO 911 Child Hero Award for taking the initiative to call 911 when my father was having a seizure due to his epilepsy, and throughout my life, I have held myself accountable to make sure I am always the best leader to ones around me. Whether it be leading my football team as captain to the State Semi-Finals, leading my soccer team through to the State Finals, leading my squad through PT drills in JROTC, or even just being there for someone whenever they need me no matter the circumstance. Throughout all of my experiences of leading, I have learned that not everyone is led the same way. For example, in any given group you could have the person who needs reassurance for them to perform better, or you could have the person you need to get onto them for them to get fired up and be the best version of themselves. Another reason I push myself to be a leader is that I have to be strong for my mom. My parents have been divorced for as long as I can remember, and my mom does everything for me, so in return, I make sure I am the best version of myself for her. In addition to making my mother proud, I have to keep my dad proud because my sister and I are the light of his life. My father has lost a lot due to his trauma-induced epilepsy affecting his brain, but nothing makes him happier than when he sees me and my sister succeed. All in all, I know how proud I could make everyone, including myself, by becoming a Naval Officer and serving for my country, a dream of mine ever since I could remember. I am also certain, wherever I am, I can make a positive impact on the ones around me, as I believe that is the type of leader I am.
 
BHudg7 said:
Does anyone mind reading over my NROTC application essay and giving me any advice? Whether it be grammatical or content related. Thanks!


Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer. Specifically comment on leadership positions you've held, the challenges you have faced and the lessons you have learned. (Limit 2500 characters)

I want to become a Naval Officer because I believe I was born a natural leader, and I can inflict positive change to whomever I am leading. At the young age of seven, I was awarded the SC NENA/APCO 911 Child Hero Award for taking the initiative to call 911 when my father was having a seizure due to his epilepsy, and throughout my life, I have held myself accountable to make sure I am always the best leader to ones around me. Whether it be leading my football team as captain to the State Semi-Finals, leading my soccer team through to the State Finals, leading my squad through PT drills in JROTC, or even just being there for someone whenever they need me no matter the circumstance. Throughout all of my experiences of leading, I have learned that not everyone is led the same way. For example, in any given group you could have the person who needs reassurance for them to perform better, or you could have the person you need to get onto them for them to get fired up and be the best version of themselves. Another reason I push myself to be a leader is that I have to be strong for my mom. My parents have been divorced for as long as I can remember, and my mom does everything for me, so in return, I make sure I am the best version of myself for her. In addition to making my mother proud, I have to keep my dad proud because my sister and I are the light of his life. My father has lost a lot due to his trauma-induced epilepsy affecting his brain, but nothing makes him happier than when he sees me and my sister succeed. All in all, I know how proud I could make everyone, including myself, by becoming a Naval Officer and serving for my country, a dream of mine ever since I could remember. I am also certain, wherever I am, I can make a positive impact on the ones around me, as I believe that is the type of leader I am.
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You may want to look up the definition of “inflict” and see if that is what you really mean.
 
Q: Why do you want to become a Naval Officer
A: I am a born leader; make others and self proud; make a positive impact.
When I read your piece this is what I gathered. I trust you’ll see which one is on the right track. You want to show the officers reading this that you are able to be molded (i.e. you‘re not dome growing, ”coachable”), and that you have a genuine interest to support and defend the constitution of the U.S.

Q: Leadership positions/Lessons learned
A: JROTC SL, Football Capt./Everyone is led differently
Good Job briefly explaining your experience. Someone may say something like “okay, but in a high-octane environment like warefare manuvers, you can’t cater to everyone’s needs.” You need to be a leader for all, not some sometimes and others other times. What you have now is good, but try expanding it to a Navy career.

Q: Challenges
A: Parents divorce, father‘s illness
Both very real challenges and I can genuinely empathize with you on both points. How about expanding what you have to make it more applicable to a Navy career. You don‘t quite get at what you‘ve learned from it. Last point about this, the award you got when you were seven I don’t think is all that applicable. Absolutely you should keep it in your app, even in this essay, but I don’t think you should headline it in the second sentence. In the 10-12 since you were seven, you likely have other achievements you’ve earned.

Finally: This may be a pet-peve of mine, and others may disagree with me here, but I am not a proponent of the “born-leader” for several reasons. I think it is a bit banal and is very superficial. I also think it makes people sound one-dimensional and stagnant, as in you are what you are, not eager to change any time soon because its been working all your life. This in turn, to me, gives off a cocky vibe. I am not saying you sound cocky, (you don’t!), just that phrase in my head does.

None of this is meant to be offensive, I am just trying to offer some advice for you to put your best foot forward.
 
The more senior I became as a leader over decades in uniform and the corporate world, the more I realized I needed to learn, and still do - it’s a lifelong quest of learning and personal/professional growth, and doing your best to avoid hubris from the moment you realize you like being lead dog.

I learned more from my failures as a leader and from learning to be a good follower and shipmate, than any trait I thought I was “born” with.
 
CuriousMid1001 said:
Q: Why do you want to become a Naval Officer
A: I am a born leader; make others and self proud; make a positive impact.
When I read your piece this is what I gathered. I trust you’ll see which one is on the right track. You want to show the officers reading this that you are able to be molded (i.e. you‘re not dome growing, ”coachable”), and that you have a genuine interest to support and defend the constitution of the U.S.

Q: Leadership positions/Lessons learned
A: JROTC SL, Football Capt./Everyone is led differently
Good Job briefly explaining your experience. Someone may say something like “okay, but in a high-octane environment like warefare manuvers, you can’t cater to everyone’s needs.” You need to be a leader for all, not some sometimes and others other times. What you have now is good, but try expanding it to a Navy career.

Q: Challenges
A: Parents divorce, father‘s illness
Both very real challenges and I can genuinely empathize with you on both points. How about expanding what you have to make it more applicable to a Navy career. You don‘t quite get at what you‘ve learned from it. Last point about this, the award you got when you were seven I don’t think is all that applicable. Absolutely you should keep it in your app, even in this essay, but I don’t think you should headline it in the second sentence. In the 10-12 since you were seven, you likely have other achievements you’ve earned.

Finally: This may be a pet-peve of mine, and others may disagree with me here, but I am not a proponent of the “born-leader” for several reasons. I think it is a bit banal and is very superficial. I also think it makes people sound one-dimensional and stagnant, as in you are what you are, not eager to change any time soon because its been working all your life. This in turn, to me, gives off a cocky vibe. I am not saying you sound cocky, (you don’t!), just that phrase in my head does.

None of this is meant to be offensive, I am just trying to offer some advice for you to put your best foot forward.
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Insightful and well said.
 
All great points above. I also recommend that you don't say that your mother does everything for you. It could give the impression that you aren't capable of taking care of yourself, never mind others. Maybe rephrase to say that your mother has made tremendous sacrifices for you and your sister.
 
Please remember that everything needs editing and often rewriting (see all the litigation over 2020 election). Often many times over (see prior). Good writing is good editing.

Writing simply and clearly shows respect for your busy readers.

It’s incredibly brave and wise of you to come to a forum like this ask for advice. Take the advice and do another turn.
 
CuriousMid1001 said:
Q: Why do you want to become a Naval Officer
A: I am a born leader; make others and self proud; make a positive impact.
When I read your piece this is what I gathered. I trust you’ll see which one is on the right track. You want to show the officers reading this that you are able to be molded (i.e. you‘re not dome growing, ”coachable”), and that you have a genuine interest to support and defend the constitution of the U.S.

Q: Leadership positions/Lessons learned
A: JROTC SL, Football Capt./Everyone is led differently
Good Job briefly explaining your experience. Someone may say something like “okay, but in a high-octane environment like warefare manuvers, you can’t cater to everyone’s needs.” You need to be a leader for all, not some sometimes and others other times. What you have now is good, but try expanding it to a Navy career.

Q: Challenges
A: Parents divorce, father‘s illness
Both very real challenges and I can genuinely empathize with you on both points. How about expanding what you have to make it more applicable to a Navy career. You don‘t quite get at what you‘ve learned from it. Last point about this, the award you got when you were seven I don’t think is all that applicable. Absolutely you should keep it in your app, even in this essay, but I don’t think you should headline it in the second sentence. In the 10-12 since you were seven, you likely have other achievements you’ve earned.

Finally: This may be a pet-peve of mine, and others may disagree with me here, but I am not a proponent of the “born-leader” for several reasons. I think it is a bit banal and is very superficial. I also think it makes people sound one-dimensional and stagnant, as in you are what you are, not eager to change any time soon because its been working all your life. This in turn, to me, gives off a cocky vibe. I am not saying you sound cocky, (you don’t!), just that phrase in my head does.

None of this is meant to be offensive, I am just trying to offer some advice for you to put your best foot forward.
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Thank you so much for your very detailed advice! I’ll post my revision soon if you would like to check it out.
 
I think you're missing an important aspect of this question. It's not "why do you want to be a leader" it's "why do you want to be a Naval Officer". I could take your essay and replace "Naval Officer" with Army Officer, firefighter, cop, mayor, or really any public service job and it would read the exact same.

Use this question to demonstrate that you have some idea of what being a Naval Officer entails and why it differs from other services. No one is expecting you to outline the career path of a JO, but showing that you've thought the job through is important.

The one other thing I felt was missing is the connection between your examples and your desire to lead/serve. When they're asking for specifics, they don't just want a list, they want you to draw connections from that list to the prompt.

If I were to remove the personal information and gave your essay to your friends and family, would they still know the essay is about you? Saying you're certain you'd make a positive impact doesn't say a whole lot, how would you make a positive impact is much more informative to the reader.

For example, "I have learned that one of the most important parts of leadership is positive reinforcement. When I lead Physical Training (PT) for my JROTC unit, I started a biannual leaderboard for the best and most improved PT scores which helped raise overall scores by 15 points. As a Naval Officer, I would bring this same enthusiasm to my division and motivate my sailors to be the best that they could be. I would work with my chief to implement a similar system so that all the sailors I work could improve their PRT and be proud of it." Obviously don't use this made up scenario, but I hope this gives you an idea of what I'm trying to stay.

As others have stated, overall a good start, continue to work at it and keep editing.
 
Also recommend running it through an English teacher, or other strong editor. There are some run-on’s, and over use of word choice (a thesaurus is your friend)...leader popped out at me. Search a word within your essay to see what I mean. Change word choice up to keep it more interesting and not redundant.
 
Capt MJ said:
The more senior I became as a leader over decades in uniform and the corporate world, the more I realized I needed to learn, and still do - it’s a lifelong quest of learning and personal/professional growth, and doing your best to avoid hubris from the moment you realize you like being lead dog.

I learned more from my failures as a leader and from learning to be a good follower and shipmate, than any trait I thought I was “born” with.
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I agree 100%

My DD had to write an essay for a college scholarship recently that asked her what she thought were the traits of a "Good Follower"? She told me it was a harder essay to write than any SA essay prompt. After spending days perfecting the essay, she shared with me that she felt that she learned to be a good leader because she was a humble follower and learned what a good leader looked like. Probably one of the best essays I have read of hers over her journey this past year. And if she never receives the appointment to a SA, the growth I have seen in her throughout this process gives me such pride and assurance that she will do just fine pursuing her plan B with her AROTC scholarship at a civilian college.
 
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