tpaine7
Member
- Joined
- Apr 6, 2020
- Messages
- 89
Hey, I just finished one of my essays, nothing to be proud of but I thought you guys could give me some feed back. Don’t hold anything back, I want to know what needs to be fixed and improved. I want to know if it should be shorter, what should be taken out or added, add any sort of academics or save it for the next essay, etc. Thanks!
Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Marine Officer. Specifically comment on leadership positions you’ve held, the challenges you have faced and the lessons you have learned:
The Marine Corps is a higher calling, something bigger than myself, a brotherhood and selflessness instilled in every Marine. A bond that cannot be broken through the harshest depths of hell and a title earned with blood, sweat, and tears. Leading Marines is an honor, privilege, and responsibility I wish to and will fulfill. I have the energy and the passion to serve as a commissioned officer in the United States Marine Corps.
I am a varsity running back and linebacker on my high school football team. I am by no means the most talented player on the field, but I refuse to quit; a now rarer trait. It’s a commitment I made to my brothers on the field. No matter how tough times get, no matter if the scoreboard is 40 points in the opposing team's favor, I will be beside my brothers and they by mine. I will fight to the last whistle, not only for myself but for the men around me. I know what it means to battle for family and I know I can offer that to the corps as well as the men serving with me.
I also participate in competitive swimming, three years, going on four varsity swimmer. With a struggling and not fit to lead head coach, I am forced to adapt and overcome the obstacles put in front of me, whether that is swimming 3-4 miles during practice or to obey the decisions of my coaches. Here I truly learned what it means to be a leader. I failed many times, lost several races, and had the idea of giving up, but like football, I made the decision and commitment to be on the team, and if my teammates are suffering, then I sure as hell better suffer with them. Swimming is a brutal sport, it tests how far you’re willing to push yourself to achieve your goals; mental strength. I pushed myself harder than ever, practice after practice, thinking of what I could do to be better. I took this time to not only better myself and show my commitment, but to better my team. I began speaking with the coaches before every practice, suggesting we work on what needs to be fixed and improved. I repetitively asked the question of what I could do to make this better. I boosted morale and did the best I could to improve practices. I offered new ideas and ways to compromise between coaches and athletes, a valuable and crucial skill for an officer. I will run for senior captain of the swim team next year, to once again offer more to others and improve my skills as a leader.
During my junior year of high school - almost every Friday afternoon, Sergeant Deric Kama, the local recruiter, would lead Marine style exercises for students interested in the military - I was often the only one there. I realized if I was the only one participating, these workouts would end. I took it upon myself to advertise to my peers, to quickly gather students in hope to continue these workouts.
During this time I had the idea of starting a Military Appreciation and Fitness Club to offer a consistent source of exercise and motivation. I quickly gathered the paperwork and spoke with Sgt. Kama, politely asking him to be the club advisor. In my free time, I would come up with exercises and motivational plans for club meetings. Before every workout, I wanted to read aloud the stories of marines, soldiers, seamen and airmen who had been awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor. I found these stories extremely meaningful and motivational.
This was directly before the Coronavirus pandemic, school had been canceled and the club was put on hold. I tried to find ways around this, to find a temporary solution, to somehow continue the club while school was closed. I messaged Sgt. Kama about continuing to work out, but gathering smaller groups of students to exercise at least once a week, as long as they were healthy. I had set a date and prepared a workout. The day before our meeting a stay at home order was issued by Governor Kate Brown. At first, I thought nothing could be done except exercise on my own. As far as exercise goes, I was correct, motivation, however, was not affected. I could still motivate and inspire others through various forms of social media. I began sending inspirational messages to my peers, encouraging them to go for a run, read a book, anyway they could find to challenge themselves, mentally and physically. I would be participating along with them, if not doing more, continuing to motivate. I wouldn’t ask something of my peers I wasn’t willing to do myself.
I have devoted myself to becoming a commissioned officer by any means necessary, despite being awarded a scholarship or not. The choices I make every day reflect on my character as a leader and as a follower. Leadership is a quality built and fortified, not given. My confidence, integrity, accountability, commitment, problem solving and communication skills will better and enhance the Marine Corps. I am not afraid of the challenge, I will step up to the plate and pursue my dream of becoming an Officer in the United States Marine Corps.
Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Marine Officer. Specifically comment on leadership positions you’ve held, the challenges you have faced and the lessons you have learned:
The Marine Corps is a higher calling, something bigger than myself, a brotherhood and selflessness instilled in every Marine. A bond that cannot be broken through the harshest depths of hell and a title earned with blood, sweat, and tears. Leading Marines is an honor, privilege, and responsibility I wish to and will fulfill. I have the energy and the passion to serve as a commissioned officer in the United States Marine Corps.
I am a varsity running back and linebacker on my high school football team. I am by no means the most talented player on the field, but I refuse to quit; a now rarer trait. It’s a commitment I made to my brothers on the field. No matter how tough times get, no matter if the scoreboard is 40 points in the opposing team's favor, I will be beside my brothers and they by mine. I will fight to the last whistle, not only for myself but for the men around me. I know what it means to battle for family and I know I can offer that to the corps as well as the men serving with me.
I also participate in competitive swimming, three years, going on four varsity swimmer. With a struggling and not fit to lead head coach, I am forced to adapt and overcome the obstacles put in front of me, whether that is swimming 3-4 miles during practice or to obey the decisions of my coaches. Here I truly learned what it means to be a leader. I failed many times, lost several races, and had the idea of giving up, but like football, I made the decision and commitment to be on the team, and if my teammates are suffering, then I sure as hell better suffer with them. Swimming is a brutal sport, it tests how far you’re willing to push yourself to achieve your goals; mental strength. I pushed myself harder than ever, practice after practice, thinking of what I could do to be better. I took this time to not only better myself and show my commitment, but to better my team. I began speaking with the coaches before every practice, suggesting we work on what needs to be fixed and improved. I repetitively asked the question of what I could do to make this better. I boosted morale and did the best I could to improve practices. I offered new ideas and ways to compromise between coaches and athletes, a valuable and crucial skill for an officer. I will run for senior captain of the swim team next year, to once again offer more to others and improve my skills as a leader.
During my junior year of high school - almost every Friday afternoon, Sergeant Deric Kama, the local recruiter, would lead Marine style exercises for students interested in the military - I was often the only one there. I realized if I was the only one participating, these workouts would end. I took it upon myself to advertise to my peers, to quickly gather students in hope to continue these workouts.
During this time I had the idea of starting a Military Appreciation and Fitness Club to offer a consistent source of exercise and motivation. I quickly gathered the paperwork and spoke with Sgt. Kama, politely asking him to be the club advisor. In my free time, I would come up with exercises and motivational plans for club meetings. Before every workout, I wanted to read aloud the stories of marines, soldiers, seamen and airmen who had been awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor. I found these stories extremely meaningful and motivational.
This was directly before the Coronavirus pandemic, school had been canceled and the club was put on hold. I tried to find ways around this, to find a temporary solution, to somehow continue the club while school was closed. I messaged Sgt. Kama about continuing to work out, but gathering smaller groups of students to exercise at least once a week, as long as they were healthy. I had set a date and prepared a workout. The day before our meeting a stay at home order was issued by Governor Kate Brown. At first, I thought nothing could be done except exercise on my own. As far as exercise goes, I was correct, motivation, however, was not affected. I could still motivate and inspire others through various forms of social media. I began sending inspirational messages to my peers, encouraging them to go for a run, read a book, anyway they could find to challenge themselves, mentally and physically. I would be participating along with them, if not doing more, continuing to motivate. I wouldn’t ask something of my peers I wasn’t willing to do myself.
I have devoted myself to becoming a commissioned officer by any means necessary, despite being awarded a scholarship or not. The choices I make every day reflect on my character as a leader and as a follower. Leadership is a quality built and fortified, not given. My confidence, integrity, accountability, commitment, problem solving and communication skills will better and enhance the Marine Corps. I am not afraid of the challenge, I will step up to the plate and pursue my dream of becoming an Officer in the United States Marine Corps.
