Parents with exceptionally resilient and successful kids do these 7 things

THParent

THParent

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1. They push their kids to play to their strengths​

Norwegian chess prodigy Magnus Carlsen showed a unique ability to patiently solve puzzles and advanced Lego structures at a very young age. Carlsen’s father thought these skills would lend themselves well to chess, and introduced him to the game. Eventually, Carlsen showed so much promise that his parents started bringing him to chess tournaments. They spotted a clear set of related skills in their son and then encouraged him to pick up an activity that played to his strengths.
Every child is born with more advanced skills in some areas over others. Your kid may have spatial strengths, like the ability to think abstractly and in multiple dimensions. Or maybe they’re gifted in math and can analyze problems logically or investigate issues scientifically.

Always be observant of your kid’s natural aptitude, and then help them build upon their innate talents.

2. They demonstrate the link between hard work and extraordinary outcomes​

Parents of exceptional kids model this by devoting years of their lives to getting better at their craft — and they make sure that their kids are paying attention.
In a 2020 post describing his father’s work ethics, Bill Gates wrote: “He was one of the hardest-working and most respected lawyers in Seattle, as well as a major civic leader in our region. [...]. He was judicious and serious about learning.”
Gates' father taught his kids that they had to work for accolades. So show your kids that hard work does pay off, that nothing is simply “given,” and that shortcuts won’t help them attain their goals. Bill Gates' two sisters are also pretty successful in their own right. It's probably not a coincidence.

3. They create a culture of striving and excellence​

In 2017, a team of British researchers studied the differences between “elite” and “ultra elite” athletes. (Of course, all NBA players are elite — but then there’s Michael Jordan or LeBron James or Kobe Bryant, whose accomplishments stand out immensely compared to the others.)
The researchers found that the majority of ultra elite athletes came from environments that advocated a culture of striving. They grew up in homes where pursuing excellence and pushing the boundaries were always expected, not merely desired.

Venus and Serena Williams’ unparalleled success on the tennis court, for example, was influenced by a shared environment that was created for them to excel: Their rise to the top started with their father, Richard, who who wrote a detailed 78-page plan for his daughters’ ascension to the top of the tennis world.
He set his expectations early; the sisters were not even five years old when he wrote down his process. But it eventually shaped two of the most prolific champions in tennis history.

4. They encourage self-confidence​

Helping your kids build confidence makes a huge difference later on in their lives. It encourages them to dream big and prevents them from ever wanting to give up after setbacks. Even as kids, the most exceptional individuals always believed that outstanding achievements were within their reach, and not reserved solely for the people they saw on TV or read about in the news. When parents encourage self-confidence (instead of criticizing their kids and putting them down each time they fail at something), their kids are more likely to perform at the highest level and adopt the mindset that they will eventually rise to the top.
This kind of self-assuredness — or unwavering belief that they can be the best — is key to achieving greatness.

5. They are patient when their kids ask questions​

Parents of the most accomplished people always make learning new things a priority. And because they teach their kids to embrace curiosity, one thing they take very seriously is answering questions. Many Nobel Laureates recall that even much later in life, their parents always patiently tried to answer questions they asked. And when the parents did not have immediate answers, they taught their kids how to look for the answers and often searched for them together.
Their parents were also diligent about finding the best mentors, coaches and teachers who could support their children’s mental growth and skill development.

6. They promote ‘early specialization’​

Parents often face the question of whether they should take the “specialist” approach and encourage their children to specialize in an activity that they show high potential in, or take the “generalist” approach and expose them to many different things (e.g., baseball, soccer, piano, math club) to help them become well-rounded.
Most parents choose the latter, but parents of exceptional kids choose the specialist approach.
Early specialization doesn’t mean that your kid gives up doing other things, perhaps for fun or even for developing additional skills. It just means that they’ve picked the activity where they are committed to putting in the effort required to become as good as possible at it.
The parent mindset is that the earlier they encourage their kids to learn the basics of a field their kid shows promise in, the sooner they’ll progress to more advanced skills. And the sooner they develop those advanced skills, the quicker they’ll develop best-in-class skills. And the quicker they gain best-in-class skills, the more likely they are to attain a rare and elite level of proficiency.

7. They encourage competition and improvement​

Many of the exceptionals I studied and interviewed grew up in a continually competitive environment.
Being competitive from an early age, even in small activities like board games or who can clean their room the fastest, exposed them to the stress and pressure that was required for them to win later in life. But their parents also taught them that they should not place value on just competition and results, that being exceptional is more than just keeping score. If you solely fixate on results, and not improvement, then you’re less likely to master your field.
 
My friend basically raised her 2 kids that way, and, yes, they are exceptional. Both were Valedictorians, both recruited to Ivy League schools, both All-Star athletes in high school, both Merit Scholars. They are also kind, respectful of elders, generous with their time, and...happy. Otoh, I raised my ds (slightly younger than her kids) with a more laid-back, generalist attitude. He is not a Merit Scholar, he is not an All-Star athlete, and he is far from being valedictorian. he did, however, receive offers from several Ivy League schools (he declined/ignored), received a conditional appointment too USAFA (medically dq'd) and a full appointment to USNA (declined), and he is an All-State musician (French horn.) He is also kind, respectful of elders, generous with is time and...happy. My ds is not exceptional, but that's okay. He would not have thrived under the competitive, high intensity household my friend ran. What attributes both household share are parents who spent a lot of time with their kids and who were vested in growing happy, independent and productive adults. I think it's the time and attention and the willingness to truly listen to your kid, that makes the difference.
 
If that's the way to an exceptional kid I'm not sure I want one. In fact I know we intentionally chose other paths for ours. For example I tore up my 78 page plan for our oldest and she's still never become an astronaut, D1 athlete or Homecoming Queen. She's almost 23 but I am at peace with the decision.

Actually there's some solid advice up there about self-confidence, identifying strengths and linking work to outcomes. But there's probably a substantial matter of degree in the rest of them that separates Tiger Woods from my kids: there's a lot of room for immoderation in a sentence like "It just means that they’ve picked the activity where they are committed to putting in the effort required to become as good as possible at it." And as @Personal Organizer pointed out, not all kids are going to want to or be able to handle the pressure of being raised as the third Williams sister.
 
StPaulDad said:
...not all kids are going to want to or be able to handle the pressure of being raised as the third Williams sister...
Click to expand...

No kidding.

(From Biography.com):
Richard never had any interest in tennis until one day, sitting at home in Long Beach, California, he caught a broadcast of the prestigious French Open. It wasn’t the act of hitting a ball back and forth on a clay court that caught his eye, nor was it the incredible athleticism and determination of the competitors that made him sit up. Instead, it was the prize money — $40,000 to the tournament winner — that piqued his interest.

From that point forward, Richard decided that he’d raise champion tennis players, no matter what it took. He had stepchildren from his wife Oracene’s previous marriage and he taught them the game, but it was clear that he’d have a better chance of molding his and Oracene’s younger daughters, Venus and Serena, into world-class athletes.
 
I think that Mrs. THParent and I did #2, #3, #4, and #5. I don't think much of #1, because I have always recognized what my strengths were and emphasized working on the weaknesses more. It is our weaknesses which will stand in the way of achieving things more than our strengths contributing to the achievement, I think. I am not a specialist in anything because I think knowing how to do a lot of different things and being simply good at them (rather than outstanding in one) is more valuable than specializing. At least to me. #7 seems sort of like a "duh" moment on the list. If you do any number of the things on that list, you're going to see the value of competition and continuous improvement, aren't you?
 
I am not a fan of #6 beyond what is in #1. To be elite may require that practice time. But I imagine many kids are specialized in the first thing they show proficiency in, when they could have been even better at something else had they been exposed to more beforehand...
 
Our kids tended to cycle through a bunch of stuff when they were young looking for things they liked. The younger ones got to see what went into some of these activities and chose or rejected based on that, which saved us some money. But basketball, painting, horses and a host of other things were tried on and discarded over the years. So much for early specialization. But there were a couple absolutes around our house: you will play an instrument until 9th grade, and you will always do something active (sport, dance, whatever.) I suppose there'd be a rolling start into certain areas if I were a hardcore baseball coach or violinist or something. But I believe there are many, many more skilled but burned out kids out there than NBA stars and orchestra first chairs that were driven there by over-exuberant parents. I hope I never contribute to that, but I expect I won't find out until my kids report in some time down the road.
 
Personal Organizer said:
What attributes both household share are parents who spent a lot of time with their kids and who were vested in growing happy, independent and productive adults. I think it's the time and attention and the willingness to truly listen to your kid, that makes the difference.
Click to expand...
In reflecting at the forum that we are on, I would say that all of our kids are exceptional. They might not be first seat in the orchestra or valedictorian or lead rusher in the state for football. But they are exceptional!
I think that most of us put these 7 things into play at least somewhat during our child's young life. In reading each of your thoughts we are all right, because each of our children are different.
But I think what stands out most about why our children are exceptional is quoted above and I would bet that all of us did that 1 thing.
 
I can see a point to some specialization. We let our kids choose what they wanted to try (little league, travel ball, french horn, ponies, horses, travel softball, keyboard, guitar etc), but when they seemed to 'latch' on to one, we encouraged them to stay with it. Give it their best and their focus. For DD that meant softball, and she loved it and excelled. For DS that meant Taekwondo and guitar. He stuck with TKD after most moved on. I remember for his first black belt test he had to write an essay on what being a black belt meant- to him and to others.

I don't recall the stats specifically but less than 1% of those who achieve a black belt continue to achieve the 2nd degree. That stood out to our DS and he said very early on he wanted to be in that 1%. He went on to achieve his third degree and still practices the art today.

While dabbling is awesome, and everyone, IMHO should try new things, I can see a benefit to 'stick to itness'. So many people today have short attention spans and seek instant gratification.

At the end of the day, they will find their own way, but if we raised two humans who put their grocery cart away, open a door for someone, give a seat to a stranger and find their own joy in this life, than I think we did okay.

I would never have wanted Mr. Williams as my parent.
 
There's fine line between acknowledging, encouraging, pushing, promoting vs being an overbearing parent living your dreams thru your kids.
I have grown to acknowledge my faults and have told my now adult sons "I do not regret the work ethic, morals and values I have instilled in them. I do regret though the way I did it". They both struggle with issues from time to time that can be traced back to the way I taught them things. (no physical abuse).

Now I just want them to be happy and be a better person than me.

Someone once told me than when we die we will only be remembered for what our kids are. I think I'll be remembered in a good light.
 
My wonderful, smart, kind Aunt Margaret (enjoyed a good Scotch, extraordinarily well-read, world traveler, never married, was a pioneer in the working world, who if not for the gender barrier, would have been a superb CEO) once told me she lived her life with an eye on what she would want someone to write for her epitaph. This is what she wanted: “She was kind and knew how to be a good friend.” I realized what an impact she had on me from my earliest years onward. All that “other stuff” becomes ephemera as time goes on. The best qualities of humanity are timeless.
 
My two grandsons are playing baseball. My daughter is now me.
Me now: Chill, he's only six.
Daughter: Yeah, but you...
Me: Never mind.

Why do they NOT keep score in a T-ball game with four year olds? Baffling
 
I definitely do not believe in #6, and I do think it is detrimental to our kids. All coaches in DS's sport, and he will be playing at USAFA, hate the early specialization, and promote the good ol' sand lot/pick up game as one of the best skill developers and a way to dodge burnout.

I am reading this book, An Ordinary Age: Finding Your Way in a World That Expects Exceptional , right now, and I love it. I cannot imagine living in the teenage pressure cooker of today. The pressure on them to be the best at everything from self-care to relationships, to calculus to building homes in Croatia. We have, tragically, had four boys lose their lives within three months in our community, and the amount of girls with eating disorders is sky high, with months long wait lists at treatment centers. And we live in regular America, not an area you would think would be uberstressful.

Anyway this topic is a passion of mine. I do think in order to raise "successful" (whatever that means) and happy children, we try to instill a sense of curiosity in our boys. Very rarely do our lives stick to the scripts we think they will, and THAT’s OK!! Allowing time to just think might be the best way to grow.
 
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