Personal Statement Critique

A

almightyloaf53

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Jun 21, 2019
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Hello! I am writing my Personal Statement for the USNA and would like your input.

(1)Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and
(2)Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.

I am not the best at writing, and any input is greatly appreciated. Please don't be afraid to PM me if you're interested in helping me. :)
 
You said that you are not the best at writing. I want to say that no one is the best at writing.
If you really need help, why don't you post your draft personal statements to get some constructive feedback?

No one is afraid to ask for help, but I would be afraid to ask a basic thing that needs to be done by a candidate himself/herself.

Keep in mind this before starting a draft:
Like college admission boards/committees, SAs would run software to check plagiarism for candidates' essays.

The prestigious institutions including SAs would put more values on genuine and unique personal statements than ones with bells and whistles.
 
dreamwiz said:
Keep in mind this before starting a draft:
Like college admission boards/committees, SAs would run software to check plagiarism for candidates' essays.
Click to expand...
Might posting a draft here possibly cause the plagiarism software to flare up?
 
- Tell the story that is yours, and yours alone, to tell. Speak from your heart.
- Avoid hubris. Read it aloud to family members. If a sibling or good friend starts to snicker, tone it down.
- Avoid hyperbole. “All my life I’ve wanted to be a fighter pilot.” You must have been one weird toddler. Better: “I met/saw/talked with a member of the Armed Forces at my school/church/Scout camp, and I was so impressed by her I wanted to learn more.” “I looked at my great-grandfather’s scrapbook from WWII...”. Again, it’s your story.
- Avoid telling the SA anything they already know about leadership, ethics, values.
- Don’t state things as facts that show you haven’t done your homework. Ex: “My dream is to go to law school/astronaut training immediately after the academy.” I am exaggerating for effect, but if you haven’t read every page, dropdown and link at USNA.edu to educate yourself in depth, it will show.
- Ask an English teacher to review for organization, parallel construction, syntax, grammar, punctuation, spelling the correct word not the homonym. Don’t use a dollar word if a ten cent word contributes more to clear writing and flow.
- Yes, I believe spaces count in the character count.
- USNA is not expecting a Pulitzer Prize essay, but a well-written and proofed expression of your answers, your unique story.

I personally would not post it here. Just start thinking and writing, perhaps after doing a rough outline.
 
Your personal statement is exactly that—personal. You have to write honestly and from the heart. Nobody can give you advice on what/how to answer because only you know yourself and your reasons for applying.
Brainstorm your ideas and go from there.
 
2024candidate said:
Might posting a draft here possibly cause the plagiarism software to flare up?
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Jusr FYI.
Throughout the processes including several interviews, the following is my own conclusion.

"Who are you?" I mean "Who on earth are you?"

Most time, they didn't even ask my achievements or experiences. They just wanted to know how I think about the country, the meaning of my commitment as an officer, my long-term goal as an officer, etc.

Of course, I made several mistakes in the interviews but I was sure that they didn't matter my mistakes but my willingness to serve the country.

I wished to have CaptMJ's advice and guidance before I started the "process."

My conclusions throughout the rigorous process are exactly same as CaptMJ's.

Although my applications have been completed, I will save the invaluable advice from CaptMJ because I know that those will be applicable to my future endeavors.

Lastly, I think that software would catch any writeups here in SAF because this website has been optimized for THE Google search algorithms.
 
When my DS wrote his statements he asked his English teacher to look them over. But they are personal statements that need to be written honestly from the heart. His teacher critiqued them and he made adjustments as needed. It worked for my DS he received his Offer of Appointment on 12/23/19 and yes accepted. Your story, your way and ask for help maybe from a teacher you look up to. They will be honored you asked for help.
 
I'm an applicant for 2024 and I'd be happy to send you my essay. It has been well received so far and it's very personal in a way that I think USNA would like. Let me know if you want me to message it to you!
 
gabby1723 said:
I'm an applicant for 2024 and I'd be happy to send you my essay. It has been well received so far and it's very personal in a way that I think USNA would like. Let me know if you want me to message it to you!
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May I take a look at it, please? I am trying to write mine but it's not shaping up.
 
gabby1723 said:
I'm an applicant for 2024 and I'd be happy to send you my essay. It has been well received so far and it's very personal in a way that I think USNA would like. Let me know if you want me to message it to you!
Click to expand...

Don’t recommend doing this...applicants need to do their own work. If writing isn’t their thing, they need to figure out how to do it on their own. Getting critiques from English treacher’s, other people? Yes. But don’t send your stuff to others. ESPECIALLY to unknown people on the internet...

Would you send them the answers to a math test?

There are plenty of other ways for an applicant to get assistance. I sure wouldn’t send someone my own work. Plus they aren’t you. Your story isn’t theirs. And they can look up “how to write an essay” online. No reason to send them your work that is getting praises.

Not a good idea, imo.
 
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Davaa said:
May I take a look at it, please? I am trying to write mine but it's not shaping up.
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Poster is an applicant. I sure wouldn’t recommend looking at a fellow applicant’s essay as an example. Plenty of other ways to get help. If you are looking at formatting? Write a draft and get help from your English teacher. See CaptMJ’s sage advice above.

This posters story isn’t yours. Nor is it a template for “what will get you an appointment”. You have to work through this. And you can do it!! My sons worked on this piece for months. Write your OWN story, and have it critiqued by helpers. Reading other people’s work could have the opposite effect and actually muddy your creative waters.

Essays weren’t meant to be shared, copied, used as a template by USNA (or anyone). They were meant to be evidence of YOUR ability to write, critique, edit. YOUR process. And tell YOUR story.
 
almightyloaf53 said:
Hello! I am writing my Personal Statement for the USNA and would like your input.

(1)Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and
(2)Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.


I am not the best at writing, and any input is greatly appreciated. Please don't be afraid to PM me if you're interested in helping me. :)
Click to expand...
It is called a personal statement for a reason. :bang::wave:
 
An additional thought - how will you become a better writer if you don’t get into the pool and get on with it? You can read about swimming, watch video of swimmers, talk to people in the pool, see what Siri and Alexa have to say, ask for advice on swimming from anonymous Internet forums, but nothing takes the place of doing the work to learn and improve.

Junior officers are expected to communicate, both orally and in writing, in an articulate, well-spoken/written, considered, insightful manner. That comes with practice.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”
- Lao Tzu
 
One of the most challenging classes thus far for my MIDN was freshman English. BC he isn’t a ‘writer’. After he got through it, I was telling him ‘congrats you are DONE forever with English’ (he hates that class). His response? I’m never done writing. I’ll be doing it for every class. And then in the fleet.

So also keep in mind that it doesn’t go away. Ever.
 
justdoit19 said:
One of the most challenging classes thus far for my MIDN was freshman English. BC he isn’t a ‘writer’. After he got through it, I was telling him ‘congrats you are DONE forever with English’ (he hates that class). His response? I’m never done writing. I’ll be doing it for every class. And then in the fleet.

So also keep in mind that it doesn’t go away. Ever.
Click to expand...
.
Give him time. He will come around.

[On the pulpit here] Life has only 2 studies: Mathematics, and Language-Expression …. Everything evolves from these.
.
 
justdoit19 said:
Don’t recommend doing this...applicants need to do their own work. If writing isn’t their thing, they need to figure out how to do it on their own. Getting critiques from English treacher’s, other people? Yes. But don’t send your stuff to others. ESPECIALLY to unknown people on the internet...

Would you send them the answers to a math test?

There are plenty of other ways for an applicant to get assistance. I sure wouldn’t send someone my own work. Plus they aren’t you. Your story isn’t theirs. And they can look up “how to write an essay” online. No reason to send them your work that is getting praises.

Not a good idea, imo.
Click to expand...

I a few weeks ago, I sent an excerpt of a few sentences and that seemed to be very helpful to another applicant. I did so for privacy reasons, like you're saying.
 
First of all, it's rather late to be starting on your personal statement (assuming it's for this candidate cycle), since it's due in 10 days. Where have you been the past 8 months?

Second, unlike many schools, USNA isn't looking for an essay that is superbly unique. They're looking to see if you can put together coherent thoughts and write them in proper English. If you're a high school senior who has taken English for four years, this shouldn't present a major challenge.

Third, no one else can explain why YOU are interested in the military nor can they describe a personal experience that happened to YOU. If you're concerned solely about your ability to express yourself in writing, you're much better off showing your drafts to your English teacher than taking comments from random strangers on this site.

For applicants to the Class of 2025 (next cycle), USNA's questions haven't changed in at least a decade (could of course change next year, but odds aren't great). Thus, start thinking about them now. Don't obsess, just think. That way, once applications open, you'll be ready to go and not stuck 10 days before applications are due.
 
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