Problems with (extremely) worried parent

Capt MJ said:
OP, you are getting some good insight here.

You’re at the stage of your life where the possibilities seem endless and wonderful and away from home. You’re looking outward with excitement. She’s seeing an empty room, an empty bed, an empty chair at the table, a home without your voice. She is already missing you, and that is laced with fear, because it’s not a cozily decorated college dorm room she is seeing, but a full-on, real-life military environment Where Bad Things Can Happen. That nameless imagined void is feeding her fear. Quite normal.

Be kind to her. When she says the negative things, simply respond “I hear you, Mom, and I am sorry you feel that way. If you choose to do X, that will make me sad. I love you.” Rinse and repeat as necessary. Hold your boundaries and opinions while respecting hers.

It is not your fault she is having these feelings and saying these things. She has invested enormous amounts of love and time in you, and all she can see is a gaping hole. She is grieving, in a way, the loss of her child and the way things have been for 18 years. All you can do is reassure her you love her.

Be the perfect kid as a gift to her while you are still in the nest. Take it day by day, but if this is what you feel called to do, keep going.

I know my parents were anxious and worried about me when I went to OCS and then to Spain for duty. This was before email, texts and FaceTime, and in a period where the military was only about 3% women. I was excited, happy and could not wait to launch. As I look back, my mom in particular put on a brave show but said she knew this was what I wanted. I probably could have been more understanding, but that’s hindsight now.

Your mom raised you, so her influence is there in your choice of wanting to serve and hold yourself to a higher standard.

If she asks about certain aspects of your chosen path, respond with facts and offers to look at a web page together.

If you obtain your appointment, if there is a nearby Parents Club, she will be welcomed and supported by a group of people who 100% understand this situation.

Throughout your life, you too will seek to protect and shelter those whom you love. When my mom asked me if I was anywhere near the impact site on 9/11 in the Pentagon, I said “no.” That was not true, but after the fact, with me surviving and ok ( I made sure she didn’t get to see the scratches and dents), there was no need to create pictures in her mind. Sometimes, you get to be the adult around your parents.
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Thanks for your advice and insight, I very much appreciate it
 
bookreader said:
If you do end up at WP, know that there are many resources that may help your mom deal with her concerns and we can fill you in on those if you would like. Also, there will be other new cadets who are in the same situation as you - alone at WP without parental support. It's unfortunate, but not a terribly unique situation. There will be lots of sources of support for you at WP should you want it.

Good luck!!
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How common does this tend to be? When I visited I was the only one whose parents were against the idea of their kid entering the Academy.
 
USMAcandidate839 said:
bookreader said:
If you do end up at WP, know that there are many resources that may help your mom deal with her concerns and we can fill you in on those if you would like. Also, there will be other new cadets who are in the same situation as you - alone at WP without parental support. It's unfortunate, but not a terribly unique situation. There will be lots of sources of support for you at WP should you want it.

Good luck!!
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How common does this tend to be? When I visited I was the only one whose parents were against the idea of their kid entering the Academy.
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My son and I are hoping he gets in. My son told me my ex doesn’t want him to go. It’s probably more common than you think.
 
jg29 said:
My father was offered appointment to USMA a long time ago and my grandmother said the same things to him and he rejected the offer. He tells me to this day he regrets not going and has been nothing but supportive of my drive to attend. That being said my grandmother now says that she wishes she let him go and did not make him turn down the offer. Hindsight is 20/20 . If this is your dream follow it. This is your life it's what you make of it and nothing more. This is no longer a time to make your parents happy but to focus on what you want to do with your life or you will always regret it. She will come to terms and will be more than happy to visit you all this is from her is more likely fear not actual disapproval. She will get over it in time and realize that you gotta ng was much better than keeping you. Don't worry about her it's hard not having parents support but leans on those who do support you. It's your life not hers live it how you want and you'll get everything you desire out of it.
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This is something I was afraid would happen if I turned down an appointment and is part of the reason I know I’ll take the opportunity to attend if it’s offered. Thanks for sharing your experience
 

I am not sure about the answer to your question. I can say that what helped us as parents was to communicate with other parents in our town who had kids at West Point. We had many conversations with them about the culture there, academics, military training, etc. Also, my husband has business contacts that were West Point grads and we engaged with them, as well. Believe me, we did our research once the train had left the station so to speak. It wasn’t going to stop unless he was denied admission so we figured we had better get on board with it. It has also been helpful that we live within a couple hour drive and were able to attend R-Day, A-Day, Family Weekend and all of the home football games. We have gotten to know our son’s cadet friends and could not be happier with the caliber of people he has introduced us to. We are taking this journey one day at a time because while it is HIS journey for the most part it has also had an impact on our family unit as a whole.
 
USMAcandidate839 said:
Is it typical of West Point parents to become more comfortable with the Academy after a year or two?
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It doesn't sound like the Academy is what's making your mom uncomfortable; she seems to fear more of what you will face being in the military. We don't know your mom, so we can't tell you if she will come to accept your decision eventually. We're four years in and the only reason I'm more OK with our son's decision is that he is still happy with it and, ultimately, all I care about is his happiness (and safety). Plus, he did not end up in a branch that is likely to deploy him to a front line anywhere, so there's that, too.
 
If you are appointed, your mom will be surrounded by an unbelievable community of West Point Moms. There is an amazing level of support for everything you can imagine would worry a mom - travel concerns, questions about special events, any medical bumps along the way, academic challenges, etc. The moms are prior service, military wives, old grads or spouses of old grads, several with multiple cadets, but also many are completely inexperienced. The West Point families are amazing. (2022 parent)
 
My DS is a plebe and I am a mom. We supported him all the way from practice for CFA to go for interview. However deep down inside me, I always prayed that he would change his mind or he would not receive the appointment as we do not have any military back ground. I cried every night during his CBT. I counted every minutes when we were notified that call would coming soon. His grandparents took it harder and blamed on us that we let our only son joining the Army. Well, he survived the Beast, he beat Navy in Chess and he excels in academia. He loves it here with all the support and mentors he has. I think he may be one of the rare plebes that have so many mentors that care for him. Mentors are upperclassmen in his chess team and in his German class (he takes junior level of German currently). He talks about them, how they care for him and look out for him even though he is not in their regiments/companies. He also raves about his team leader (2nd year cadet/yuk) and wants to be better than him next year...During Family Weekend last October, I met and talked with his TAC officer and NCO. I learned that WP has multiple layers of "eyes" to watch out, to prepare their cadets to become our country future leaders. One distinguished guest speaker also an old grad came to talk to them last November, my DS forwarded his bio for me to read. After that I feel more comfortable because the future is unlimited for him in both civilian or military worlds, for all the cadets. We went to public universities and post graduate schools, we did have our own experience but nothing comparing to what service academies offer when we are comparing our experience with his. As a mom I will be always worry regardless where he will be...
 
USMAcandidate839 said:
West Point has been my dream since I entered high school and something I have worked towards for the past four years. I have done every thing possible to increase my chances of admission and would not trade an appointment for anything. Any other college or university in the world could offer me a full scholarship and I’d easily turn them down for the opportunity to attend the Academy.
I’ve recently received a nomination from my Congressman and if admitted will, without a doubt, choose USMA.
That being said, my mother is EXTREMELY opposed to me doing anything associated with the army, and not without good reason. My grandfather was wounded twice during the Normandy invasion, a cousin of mine was killed in Korea, another cousin came under fire while serving in Afghanistan, and my brother in law was wounded in Iraq and is dealing with a minor form of PTSD from the experience.
To put this in perspective, she has told me she is “ashamed,” wished “she never had a son” if she knew “this is what he was going to do with his life,” and that she would not attend RDay and may even refuse to visit me while in the Academy.

She is a great mother, but my desire to serve in the military is worrying her to death. I do not think she truly means much of what she says.

Any suggestions to make my choice easier for her?
Thanks
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The question becomes what do you want in your life? West Point is arguably the best education in the world. It is America and American history. It is a place that has educated Presidents, General, world leaders and more. However, it also comes with responsibility, commitment and risk. My DS just put a bracelet on his right wrist with the name of Captain Andrew Ross on it. He said, they held services at the Academy and for the first time it became "real" for him. It is not for the "faint of heart". Every Cadet at West Point is a proven leader in their own communities around the country. They are all good students, good athletes and good leaders or they would not have been selected. This is not your mothers decision or your fathers or anyone elses. If it is not yours and you are not committed 100% to the school, the country and yourself, it will not be a good fit for you. For those that have chosen this path it is an amazing journey. However, it is not for everyone. If it is not for you, awesome, there are thousands in line sitting on the edge of their chair salivating for the chance to get a slot. The choice is yours and only you can make it.
 
SFRanger said:
USMAcandidate839 said:
West Point has been my dream since I entered high school and something I have worked towards for the past four years. I have done every thing possible to increase my chances of admission and would not trade an appointment for anything. Any other college or university in the world could offer me a full scholarship and I’d easily turn them down for the opportunity to attend the Academy.
I’ve recently received a nomination from my Congressman and if admitted will, without a doubt, choose USMA.
That being said, my mother is EXTREMELY opposed to me doing anything associated with the army, and not without good reason. My grandfather was wounded twice during the Normandy invasion, a cousin of mine was killed in Korea, another cousin came under fire while serving in Afghanistan, and my brother in law was wounded in Iraq and is dealing with a minor form of PTSD from the experience.
To put this in perspective, she has told me she is “ashamed,” wished “she never had a son” if she knew “this is what he was going to do with his life,” and that she would not attend RDay and may even refuse to visit me while in the Academy.

She is a great mother, but my desire to serve in the military is worrying her to death. I do not think she truly means much of what she says.

Any suggestions to make my choice easier for her?
Thanks
Click to expand...
The question becomes what do you want in your life? West Point is arguably the best education in the world. It is America and American history. It is a place that has educated Presidents, General, world leaders and more. However, it also comes with responsibility, commitment and risk. My DS just put a bracelet on his right wrist with the name of Captain Andrew Ross on it. He said, they held services at the Academy and for the first time it became "real" for him. It is not for the "faint of heart". Every Cadet at West Point is a proven leader in their own communities around the country. They are all good students, good athletes and good leaders or they would not have been selected. This is not your mothers decision or your fathers or anyone elses. If it is not yours and you are not committed 100% to the school, the country and yourself, it will not be a good fit for you. For those that have chosen this path it is an amazing journey. However, it is not for everyone. If it is not for you, awesome, there are thousands in line sitting on the edge of their chair salivating for the chance to get a slot. The choice is yours and only you can make it.
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Definitely want it. I could go to any other college I would otherwise be interested in with very little concern money wise. The only reason I want to go to West Point is because I plan on becoming an officer in the army one way or another and I feel the Academy would provide me with the resources to become the best officer I can.
 
Cdkd said:
My DS is a plebe and I am a mom. We supported him all the way from practice for CFA to go for interview. However deep down inside me, I always prayed that he would change his mind or he would not receive the appointment as we do not have any military back ground. I cried every night during his CBT. I counted every minutes when we were notified that call would coming soon. His grandparents took it harder and blamed on us that we let our only son joining the Army. Well, he survived the Beast, he beat Navy in Chess and he excels in academia. He loves it here with all the support and mentors he has. I think he may be one of the rare plebes that have so many mentors that care for him. Mentors are upperclassmen in his chess team and in his German class (he takes junior level of German currently). He talks about them, how they care for him and look out for him even though he is not in their regiments/companies. He also raves about his team leader (2nd year cadet/yuk) and wants to be better than him next year...During Family Weekend last October, I met and talked with his TAC officer and NCO. I learned that WP has multiple layers of "eyes" to watch out, to prepare their cadets to become our country future leaders. One distinguished guest speaker also an old grad came to talk to them last November, my DS forwarded his bio for me to read. After that I feel more comfortable because the future is unlimited for him in both civilian or military worlds, for all the cadets. We went to public universities and post graduate schools, we did have our own experience but nothing comparing to what service academies offer when we are comparing our experience with his. As a mom I will be always worry regardless where he will be...
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Thanks for sharing your experience, I hope my experience at the Academy will be as good as your sons! Best of luck to him going forwards
 
I found this bio of a WP distinguished lecturer, he is an old grad. My DS told me his story how he went to the RDay. He came from a military, his father was an army officer in previous Vietnamese government. However his parents were against him going to West Point and they locked him up to prevent the old grad leaving for the RDay. They even called the police to report the old grad “runaway” attempt. The police officers ended up helping the old grad to leave the house.... This old grad now has a company to run while he is a partner at a law firm and actively working with WP. You may let your mom read about this old grad and of course the decision to go to WP is yours to make. https://magaero.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/France-Hoang-Bio.pdf
 
Cdkd said:
I found this bio of a WP distinguished lecturer, he is an old grad. My DS told me his story how he went to the RDay. He came from a military, his father was an army officer in previous Vietnamese government. However his parents were against him going to West Point and they locked him up to prevent the old grad leaving for the RDay. They even called the police to report the old grad “runaway” attempt. The police officers ended up helping the old grad to leave the house.... This old grad now has a company to run while he is a partner at a law firm and actively working with WP. You may let your mom read about this old grad and of course the decision to go to WP is yours to make. https://magaero.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/France-Hoang-Bio.pdf
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My favorite line of his bio reads as follows:
"He somehow also managed to pass both Ranger School and the CPA Exam, although not in the same year."

Quite the slacker:
SWAT commander, Deputy Police Chief, CPA, trial attorney, XO of a U.S. Army Special Forces Company, Ranger Tab, entrepreneur, White House Counsel and Special Assistant to The President.
 
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