Reading Application Essays Drafts

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SAco2021

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I have written my first and second drafts for my USNA and Navy ROTC applications.

Is anyone willing to read and provide comments on my essays? I can DM you my essays.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
 
Last edited:
This is a frequently asked question on here. None of us know you or your background growing up well enough to critique what you wrote. Better to have a family member, school counselor or teacher review it.
 
My standard advice on essays:

First and always, ATFQ. Answer The Full Question. Everything should contribute to this.

Flow logically and cleanly, with structure. Observe the length. Edit out unnecessary “in order to” or “that” phrases. Google search “editing your college essay to fit the prompt limit.” Use what you need to reply; don’t feel compelled to fill every last bit of space available if your reply is as polished as it can get.

Tell the story only you can tell. Make sure your essay doesn’t sound like anyone could have written it, especially with AI. Dig deep and make it specifc.

Don’t waste space and time repeating back to the MOC nomination staff or SA what an SA offers and what it can do for you. They know this.

Don’t talk about your aspirations to graduate and do Z, if Z is not a path available from that service academy. Do your research at the primary resource, the SA website.

Don’t write what you think they want to hear, with flags waving and littered with references to leadership. If someone were to ask you this question verbally, this would probably not be your answer.

Don’t bury the lead. Don’t launch into some story that gives the reader no sense of why you are talking about X. Set the context and ATFQ.

I always cringe when I see variations of “all my life I have wanted to” or “since I was young my dream was to” that makes me think of a rather strange toddler. Pin it down without hyperbole. “I was 10 when I saw X, talked to Y, heard about Z, and I realized that was something…”

Read your essay aloud to a trusted friend or near-age sibling. If they start laughing, you’ll know your tone is over the top, and it doesn’t sound like the real you. Check for forehead-slappers such as, “As a leader of men…” - fine in the 1800s, less accurate now.

Ask an English teacher to critique it for grammar, punctuation, syntax, parallel structure, agreement of tense and number, etc.



Watch out for humor, especially any joking
First and always, ATFQ. Answer The Full Question. Everything should contribute to this.



Flow logically and cleanly, with structure. Observe the length. Edit out unnecessary “in order to” or “that” phrases. Google search “editing your college essay to fit the prompt limit.”



Tell the story only you can tell. Make sure your essay doesn’t sound like anyone could have written it, especially with AI. Dig deep and make it specifc.



Don’t waste space and time repeating back to the MOC nomination staff or SA what an SA offers and what it can do for you. They know this.



Don’t talk about your aspirations to graduate and do Z, if Z is not a path available from that service academy. Do your research at the primary resource, the SA website.



Don’t write what you think they want to hear, with flags waving and littered with references to leadership. If someone were to ask you this question verbally, this would probably not be your answer.



Don’t bury the lead. Don’t launch into some story that gives the reader no sense of why you are talking about X. Set the context and ATFQ.



I always cringe when I see variations of “all my life I have wanted to” or “since I was young my dream was to” that makes me think of a rather strange toddler. Pin it down without hyperbole. “I was 10 when I saw X, and I realized that was something…”



Read your essay aloud to a trusted friend or near-age sibling. If they start laughing, you’ll know your tone is over the top, and it doesn’t sound like the real you. Check for forehead-slappers such as, “As a leader of men…” - fine in the 1800s, less accurate now.

Ask an English teacher to critique it for grammar, punctuation, syntax, parallel structure, agreement of tense and number, etc.

Watch out for humor, especially any joking around about other services. Unless you are a prior enlisted member, you are not quite in the club yet to where you have earned the right to do that. And, without body language, facial expression, eye contact and vocal tone, humorous comments can fail in unpredictable ways. You cannot read the room. Sticking with a professional tone is never out of place.
 
AVOID USING AI!

Ok, now that I got that out, let me explain myself a bit. While it is extremely tempting to put in a bunch of prompts, including the advice CAPT MJ expressed, into AI and then editing and using that output, you are setting yourself up for some serious ethical issues.

First off, LLM's (chatGPT, Gemini, Grammerly, etc) do not do thinking. They are text predictive models based on all the information that has trained them. They are subject to making wrong or false statements. The last thing you need in your essay is a statement that is obviously incorrect.

Second, LLMs will not match your own tone. When you go for an interview, you'll be asked questions based on your essay. If you don't have the vocabulary or the tone of your essay, that will send up red flags. For example, on an assignment for a high school class I asked what were the design flaws in the Three Mile Island reactor. One student gave me very technical specifications on the type of steel in the steam generators. When I asked about the specs, it turned out the student didn't even know what a steam generator was.

Third, writing is thinking. The process of writing an essay will require you to evaluate your own answers. The simple question, "why do you want to go to xxx academy?" makes you think about your own motivations, background, goals, etc. The essays are an opportunity to do self examination as well as tell your own story.

There is lots of good advice on this thread. My own top three recommendations are:

1. Sit down, write up your rough draft at your own pace. Don't worry about grammar. Start off by answering the question in the first paragraph, then spend the rest of the essay explaining your answer.

2. Edit. Reread your essay, hack and slash to make it more readable. Fix the grammar, reorder your paragraphs as needed. Get rid of all the extra words that slow the essay down.

3. Give it to someone else (who knows how to write) to evaluate. Revise according to recommendations, but remember you get the final say what goes in the essay. Repeat as needed.

Once you get a good essay that says what you want to say, let it go. Don't let perfect be the enemy of good enough. You'll get plenty of opportunities to dive deeper when you get to interview.
 
Capt MJ said:
My standard advice on essays:

First and always, ATFQ. Answer The Full Question. Everything should contribute to this.

Flow logically and cleanly, with structure. Observe the length. Edit out unnecessary “in order to” or “that” phrases. Google search “editing your college essay to fit the prompt limit.” Use what you need to reply; don’t feel compelled to fill every last bit of space available if your reply is as polished as it can get.

Tell the story only you can tell. Make sure your essay doesn’t sound like anyone could have written it, especially with AI. Dig deep and make it specifc.

Don’t waste space and time repeating back to the MOC nomination staff or SA what an SA offers and what it can do for you. They know this.

Don’t talk about your aspirations to graduate and do Z, if Z is not a path available from that service academy. Do your research at the primary resource, the SA website.

Don’t write what you think they want to hear, with flags waving and littered with references to leadership. If someone were to ask you this question verbally, this would probably not be your answer.

Don’t bury the lead. Don’t launch into some story that gives the reader no sense of why you are talking about X. Set the context and ATFQ.

I always cringe when I see variations of “all my life I have wanted to” or “since I was young my dream was to” that makes me think of a rather strange toddler. Pin it down without hyperbole. “I was 10 when I saw X, talked to Y, heard about Z, and I realized that was something…”

Read your essay aloud to a trusted friend or near-age sibling. If they start laughing, you’ll know your tone is over the top, and it doesn’t sound like the real you. Check for forehead-slappers such as, “As a leader of men…” - fine in the 1800s, less accurate now.

Ask an English teacher to critique it for grammar, punctuation, syntax, parallel structure, agreement of tense and number, etc.



Watch out for humor, especially any joking
First and always, ATFQ. Answer The Full Question. Everything should contribute to this.



Flow logically and cleanly, with structure. Observe the length. Edit out unnecessary “in order to” or “that” phrases. Google search “editing your college essay to fit the prompt limit.”



Tell the story only you can tell. Make sure your essay doesn’t sound like anyone could have written it, especially with AI. Dig deep and make it specifc.



Don’t waste space and time repeating back to the MOC nomination staff or SA what an SA offers and what it can do for you. They know this.



Don’t talk about your aspirations to graduate and do Z, if Z is not a path available from that service academy. Do your research at the primary resource, the SA website.



Don’t write what you think they want to hear, with flags waving and littered with references to leadership. If someone were to ask you this question verbally, this would probably not be your answer.



Don’t bury the lead. Don’t launch into some story that gives the reader no sense of why you are talking about X. Set the context and ATFQ.



I always cringe when I see variations of “all my life I have wanted to” or “since I was young my dream was to” that makes me think of a rather strange toddler. Pin it down without hyperbole. “I was 10 when I saw X, and I realized that was something…”



Read your essay aloud to a trusted friend or near-age sibling. If they start laughing, you’ll know your tone is over the top, and it doesn’t sound like the real you. Check for forehead-slappers such as, “As a leader of men…” - fine in the 1800s, less accurate now.

Ask an English teacher to critique it for grammar, punctuation, syntax, parallel structure, agreement of tense and number, etc.

Watch out for humor, especially any joking around about other services. Unless you are a prior enlisted member, you are not quite in the club yet to where you have earned the right to do that. And, without body language, facial expression, eye contact and vocal tone, humorous comments can fail in unpredictable ways. You cannot read the room. Sticking with a professional tone is never out of place.
Click to expand...
Sorry about all the dupes and odd spacing. Will clean it up but can’t right now. I copy this from a file of standing notes, not sure what happened.
 
Physicsguru said:
AVOID USING AI!

Ok, now that I got that out, let me explain myself a bit. While it is extremely tempting to put in a bunch of prompts, including the advice CAPT MJ expressed, into AI and then editing and using that output, you are setting yourself up for some serious ethical issues.

First off, LLM's (chatGPT, Gemini, Grammerly, etc) do not do thinking. They are text predictive models based on all the information that has trained them. They are subject to making wrong or false statements. The last thing you need in your essay is a statement that is obviously incorrect.

Second, LLMs will not match your own tone. When you go for an interview, you'll be asked questions based on your essay. If you don't have the vocabulary or the tone of your essay, that will send up red flags. For example, on an assignment for a high school class I asked what were the design flaws in the Three Mile Island reactor. One student gave me very technical specifications on the type of steel in the steam generators. When I asked about the specs, it turned out the student didn't even know what a steam generator was.

Third, writing is thinking. The process of writing an essay will require you to evaluate your own answers. The simple question, "why do you want to go to xxx academy?" makes you think about your own motivations, background, goals, etc. The essays are an opportunity to do self examination as well as tell your own story.

There is lots of good advice on this thread. My own top three recommendations are:

1. Sit down, write up your rough draft at your own pace. Don't worry about grammar. Start off by answering the question in the first paragraph, then spend the rest of the essay explaining your answer.

2. Edit. Reread your essay, hack and slash to make it more readable. Fix the grammar, reorder your paragraphs as needed. Get rid of all the extra words that slow the essay down.

3. Give it to someone else (who knows how to write) to evaluate. Revise according to recommendations, but remember you get the final say what goes in the essay. Repeat as needed.

Once you get a good essay that says what you want to say, let it go. Don't let perfect be the enemy of good enough. You'll get plenty of opportunities to dive deeper when you get to interview.
Click to expand...
I like Capt MJ's advice as well as yours EXCEPT for the handing off to others. To ME, the essay should be YOUR WORK and YOUR WORDS. I have interviewed many applicants that have beautiful essays in the file but can't articulate answers to the same or similar questions. As a college educator, I've seen many students who have high grades in High Scholl AP English or College Freshman English who don't exhibit grammar, structure, vocabulary, etc. I think that for many applicants, the "help" makes them look like a far better candidate than their skills would indicate and think that we should rate applicants on THEIR abilities as opposed to those of their Teacher, College Consultant, Essay Coach or whatever.
.
Back in a prior century when dinosaurs roamed the earth (and our schools) there used to be a thing called a "science fair" at many schools and when my family visited the science fair, there were some amazing displays that looked like something out of a textbook complete with professional looking posters and backdrops while others, including mine looked a bit amateurish even if the science depicted was good. My father later told me that the really wonderful displays were heavily parent involved and I later found that he was right. This seemed to accelerate over the years and when I went to my son's science fairs, his was one of the few that did not look professional. NOTE: he ended up as captain of his schools, Science Olympiad team. . .
 
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