Reassigning DS bedroom once he leaves for BCT/AIT/college... Need opinions!

Discussion in 'ROTC' started by DSmom_in_IL, Apr 28, 2019.

  1. DSmom_in_IL

    DSmom_in_IL Member

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    I realize this isn't a true ROTC question... But I'm hoping to get opinions from other parents and cadets on this topic. MY DS outta leaving this summer for BCT/AIT with NG, then will begin college in January 2020. About a year ago we finished our basement and setup a bedroom and full bath down there, which my oldest DS called dibs on. He's been in that space for a year, and wants to keep that bedroom even after he leaves for college. However I have two other kids chomping at the bit for their turn in that bedroom. We have enough bedrooms, so no one shares. Is it wrong to move my oldest room to one of the other bedrooms once he leaves for BCT/AIT/college?
     
  2. Laurantwins

    Laurantwins Member

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    Since on one else is sharing a bedroom, I would wait a little while before relocating- especially if he’s not 100% on board with it. After he gets settled in college, he it probably will not bother him to move.
     
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  3. DSmom_in_IL

    DSmom_in_IL Member

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    Thanks, that's helpful.
     
  4. DSmom_in_IL

    DSmom_in_IL Member

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    Thank you, I appreciate your input!
     
  5. utahdad

    utahdad New Member

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    Our DS had a similar bedroom situation. I have seen situations where parents store their kids stuff indefinitely, so leading up to him leaving I purchased a large tote and told him that whatever fit in the tote was what he could leave behind. Our ds was a bit of a slob/hoarder so I felt like that was the only way to prevent something that would make me angry. Our oldest went to college a few hours away and by the time we had returned home from dropping him off, our next son down had fully moved into the new room. There wasn’t any resentment because we had been very clear on what would happen when the oldest left. When he returns to visit, he just stays in the other vacant bedroom. I wanted to promote the idea that you are always welcome to visit, but you don’t live here anymore. This may not work in your situation, but it went smoothly for us.
     
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  6. DSmom_in_IL

    DSmom_in_IL Member

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    Love the dad perspective! Thank you, i appreciate your input.
     
  7. Stealth_81

    Stealth_81 Super Moderator 10-Year Member Founding Member

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    I think it’s a decision that only you can make based on your family.

    In our case, each of the three kid’s bedrooms are still theirs in our house. None of them shared so we just left their bedrooms as they were, minus their “stuff”. My kids graduated high school in 2007, 2008, and 2015 for reference. When they’re home to visit, their room is there for them. Of course when we have other company visiting the room get used by the guests as well.

    Stealth_81
     
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  8. DSmom_in_IL

    DSmom_in_IL Member

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    Thank you, I appreciate your input.
     
  9. Capt MJ

    Capt MJ 10-Year Member

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    The month before I reported to OCS, after college, my mother and I re-decorated my bedroom as a guest room - painted it together, chose bedding and furniture, shopped for decor items, etc. It was a rite of passage, a special chore we did together. I went through all my stuff, packed some away in storage totes, smiled as I finally threw away acceptance letters from universities, the dried flowers from some HS prom, the things I was okay with letting go. The yearbooks, photo albums, special things, into the storage totes. My parents allowed me to leave the storage totes with them, with the promise to collect them at some point down the road.

    It was always “my room,” but it made a transition just as I did.

    You’ll figure out what’s right for your family. Ideally, your son will reach the point where he initiates the suggestion, when the time is right. At the moment, it’s one of the few things that is NOT changing in his life, or about to change, so he’s hanging on to it as an anchor.
     
  10. Dckc88

    Dckc88 Member

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    Okay - I will share a different perspective. Not for our oldest’s room but our two youngest (twins). They are one year younger than our ROTC child (oldest), when the twins left for college, we were truly empty nesters. Being that our two youngest are student-athletes and at school 1400 miles away, they would be home for about 10 weeks total annually (6 at summer, 3 at Christmas and 1 at spring break). In fact in some ways, we visit them more frequently than they visit us! Our area has several hospitals that have travel nurses and it is a good market for short term rentals of furnished bedrooms. About a month after our two youngest went to college we rented out their two rooms for 13 week periods of time, 20 months later, those rooms are still rented out pretty regularly. We turned my office into a bedroom for space when they are home, and our oldest’s room is a large room and is set up for our oldest and one of the twins. The reality is, rarely are all three home at once. We also stored their stuff, and have not gotten rid of anything, although this summer they will be going through it now that it has been two years of college away.

    Here is the reality, one of the two were upset and the other wasn’t. It was short lived as she realized how infrequently she is actually home and we were very intentional in creating space for each of them in other rooms. They are almost done with their sophomore year, coming home for the summer and there is no issue, they are just happy to be coming home. The one that is upset actually likes having her space downstairs, so she has admitted she likes it better.

    All three of our kids are in college, and while there are scholarships in play, being able to travel to see as many of the kids collegiate games, or to help support our oldest with her traveling addiction, renting out these rooms have helped us do that. It is also helping us pay our house off early which is part of our retirement strategy.

    Each family is different, but we have always approached it with our kids that this is our house and they will always have a home here, but that where and how might look different over time and that it is our property to do what we wish with and what is in the best interest of the family.

    Do whatever works best for the family, once you are comfortable with your decision, approach it with finality and with compassion, but in my opinion it is the parents choice. Respect his property (all of our kids property was protected and not used by the renters). I understand that this might be emotional and controversial for some, if that is you, then don’t do it, keep the room as it is until you feel more comfortable with it. Just know that you are not the only one that has reassigned the room of a college aged kid. My good friend had the similar situation as @utahdad her son went to college and her daughter had taken over the room when they returned from taking him to school two hours away. He is graduating next month from college and other than the first Thanksgiving he game home him feeling a little displaced, they have had no problems since. He always has a comfortable place to stay when he comes home, as do my kids.
     
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  11. NavyHoops

    NavyHoops Super Moderator 5-Year Member

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    My parents sent me photos of my ‘the new guest bedroom’ during Plebe Summer. Like others, I was an athlete at USNA. I rarely got to go home and when I did it was 3 days at Xmas and maybe 2 weeks in the summer. It wasn’t a big deal to me, because it wasn’t home anymore. When I had graduated I was stationed overseas and my parents moved from the house that I mostly grew up in. They somehow forgot to send me the new address and phone number for 2 months. We had been emailing plenty. It was pretty comical. I laughed at all of it. Since I left for Plebe Summer I have never lived closer than 2k miles from my family. Do what works for your family.
     
  12. 2022mom

    2022mom Member

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    The day we got back from dropping off my oldest for I day the middle brother claimed the oldest brothers room. Within three hours he had traded everything in his small room for his brothers bigger room with a queen size bed. Now when older brother comes home he gets the small bedroom with a twin bed.
    Is he happy about it? Probably not, but there are bigger things for him to worry about.
     
  13. 5centsmom

    5centsmom Member

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    When we lived in a house with dramatically unequal bedrooms plus a walkout basement bedroom, there was no way I was sleeping on a different floor from a kid (fear of fire), nor giving them easy come & go access (under 18). Made our two lads share. We moved just as the eldest was departing for college, and ironically moved into a house with enough “equal” bedrooms for each. Eldest kept saying “I don’t care, I don’t live here any more”. Guess who’s boomeranged back (briefly)? Now he won’t trade “his” room!

    If you & the spousal unit are on the same page why not discuss with your nearly adult kids to air it all out? Could help set everyone’s expectations.

    While I’m not a fan of the “shrine”, I know I stopped seeing my childhood room as mine by the end of freshman year. It isn’t “wrong” to let the transition happen naturally or to bow to family spatial needs. How long is freshman winter break? Is that a good time for eldest to prepare it for the next occupant? Might be a good compromise.

    Let us know how this drama ends!
     
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  14. justdoit19

    justdoit19 Member

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    IMO, there is no right or wrong answer. It’s family dependent.

    Th big thing to keep in mind, as with any child leaving for school, is that this is a HUGE change in the dynamic of the family. And a HUGE change for the child, who is leaving the nest for the first time. Things will never ever be the same.

    My DS comes home on his leave, stats up with friends in the basement gaming and hanging out. They all crash on the couches. He hasn’t spent but ONE night back in his room. It’s got the stuff in it that we kept, the rest was purged. It’s decorated all NAVY and is super cute. I suspect his leave time coming home will be even less and less as time moves on.

    Could you let the siblings figure it out? Or do you have to make the decision? Maybe give it first semester, and your plebe will even allow the sibling to move in.

    As a side note: we don’t allow ANY of our kids to sleep in the walk out basement...to much opportunity for nefarious activity with mom and dad on the second floor, out cold .

    Editing to add: we have 4. Youngest is applying USNA ‘24. We will be listing the house and moving to a smaller one as soon as possible. I can’t wait! No one will have a bedroom! But all are welcome.
     
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  15. justdoit19

    justdoit19 Member

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    That’s hilarious
     
  16. USMAROTCFamily

    USMAROTCFamily 5-Year Member

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    Before each of ours left, they knew we were changing their rooms into guest rooms and redecorating them. We also had them go through all of their stuff, toss what they didn't want to keep and stored all of what they did want to keep in tubs that were in the garage. They actually like their old rooms better now when they come home for their short visits, as they are nice and clean! Once DD was commissioned and moved to her first assignment, her tubs were shipped by the government, along with some furniture we were purging. So all of her stuff is now gone. DS graduates next month and once he gets his place at his first duty assignment following his officer basic course and Ranger school, then we will do the same with all of his stuff. They know they are welcome home anytime to visit, but will never be living here again. There were both barely home during summers due to all their military activities and they were both at school thousands of miles away, so they weren't home throughout the year, often either. Perhaps it is because we were military ourselves and moved around quite a bit in their early years, that we never felt the need to keep "their" rooms intact. They always will have a place to stay, but they know it is our house to do what we want with it.
     
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  17. DSmom_in_IL

    DSmom_in_IL Member

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    I think you hit the nail on the head, and in his own way he has said as much. Thanks for your sight, it was very helpful.
     
  18. DSmom_in_IL

    DSmom_in_IL Member

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    You've given me lots to think about, thank you.
     
  19. DSmom_in_IL

    DSmom_in_IL Member

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    Thanks for your input, I appreciate it. I'm probably stressing too much.
     
  20. DSmom_in_IL

    DSmom_in_IL Member

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    Unless I step in, this is how it will play out at my house too! Thanks for your input!
     
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