My boyfriend, who I've been in a serious relationship with for a few years, just left for BCT today. I'm not worried in the slightest and we've talked and prepared for this for quite a while, but I wanted to see if anyone had any advice for the next four years in maintaining a long distance relationship with the academy. I already am aware of his commitment and respect his dedication to the academy, and understand that his priorities will be different. At the same time, I am also going to be extremely busy as I am a collegiate student athlete at the D1 level. We both have come to terms with that. Does anyone have advice for the future? Do you know of any success stories, and what did they do to maintain their relationship?
Mutually agree that trust and honesty is everything, and commit to speaking up if feelings change, the sooner, the better. Support each other in these new pursuits and life directions. There is a lot of change ahead. If you can change and grow together, enough your relationship survives it, you can get through this - because it’s just not 4 years of school in different places. For the cadet, it’s at least another 5 years after graduation of different places, which can be very hard on a civilian partner who’s trying to go to grad school or start a career in their field. It can be done, but a day at a time.
Be sure to address exclusivity in detail as it relates to expectations and assumptions, and while it is a difficult conversation, it can head off future arguments based on unmatched expectations and assumptions.
Realize your cadet will be unable to respond to texts and calls in the same way or as promptly as in the past. It doesn’t mean he doesn't want to, but he likely can’t because of what he is doing or where he is. Or he may sound abrupt or distracted, or be very brief. Roll with it and let it go. The military is his all-consuming first priority right now, with multiple competing and mandatory demands on his time in a pressure cooker environment. It’s not personal. As he gets more senior in the coming years, he will have more balance in his life, have more time away from USAFA, be more comfortable in managing his life there.
Accept in advance your spring breaks may not coincide, or he may choose to go to a buddy’s home for Thanksgiving, or he may come home at winter break but leave after Christmas to meet up with cadet friends for a ski trip. Ditto summer leave breaks, instead of coming home for summer leave, he may take those 3 or so weeks and do an internship or other interesting opportunity (they have a lot) or take a summer school course at USAFA. He may not be able to come visit you on your birthday or other special occasion, so you simply select another date and celebrate it then. Cheerfully support him in this, and do not pressure him to choose between you and other growth opportunities and adventures. And - you should not hesitate to do these same things, and he should support you. That’s what a healthy relationship does. Of course you can say, “Sure I’m disappointed I won’t be seeing you In July, but opportunity X sounds amazing. I wants lots of pictures and can’t wait to hear about it.” This is BOTH your times to grow, explore, learn, expand your horizons.
Communicate, communicate, communicate, even if it’s only one-way for awhile. Write letters he can hold in his hand and re-read. Be positive and cheerful. No sad and endless I-miss-yous. Send stupid Dad jokes, news from home, printed out clippings of funny internet stuff.
And, as is the way of service academies, he will be forming strong bonds and friendships with classmates, teammates, etc. It’s far tighter than a civilian college, as cadets are tied together all headed for the same employer. Your cadet will gain a whole batch of new sisters. Do not let one droplet of jealousy enter in. These cadets live, study, eat, work together as a team, just as they will in the Air Force and Space Force one day. One of our USNA sponsor family plebe women, a varsity athlete like you, came into USNA with a strong, stable 6 year old relationship. He was a freshman at a college 5 hours away. As they did video calls together in the evening once the academic year started, it was clear there were regular visits to her room of 4 roommates from various classmates in the company area, male and female, and the closeness and camaraderie and affection were obvious. Often these fellow midshipmen (what the Navy calls cadets) would wave at her boyfriend and call out a friendly hello. Boyfriend started to get annoyed by male visitors to the room, even if they were just stopping by to compare notes on a Calculus practice problem or work on professional knowledge quiz prep together, and let’s just say his snarky comments, increasing jealousy and controlling directives crashed the relationship by Thanksgiving. Our sponsor mid realized she did not like this person at all when this behavior surfaced, and she realized it was not healthy. If your cadet mentions a female cadet friend, take it at face value, unless it proves to be otherwise.
Above all, be a person of integrity who is also looking after herself through this. If he is The One, great. If he is not, cherish the memories of the good parts and the life lessons learned, and press on. There will be other opportunities to meet The One.
