Relationship Between Officer and Enlisted

[Advancedmind]

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 3 years now and we have decided to go into the CG but she wants to go to the academy and I want to go active duty. I was told that we cannot be dating when she is in academy and I’m active.

We really want to stay together but can’t find what to do/ how to do it. From other posts people have said to just keep it on the down low. The easiest option would be to get married but we are only seniors in high school so that won’t be happening.

Does anyone have any advice for us?

Thank you

 

[Usnavy2019]

Tough situation here. Good on you for asking advice. You are correct that officers and cadets cannot date enlisted members of their service nor any other service. This is spelled out in the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ). The UCMJ lays out the laws of the military.

USCGA also requires cadets to enter and remain unmarried throughout their time in New London. This is the same as the other Academies.

The military makes you grow up quickly since you make a lot of life decisions early on (career, financial, etc.).

My best advice is to have a long discussion with your girlfriend about both of your career aspirations and how they relate to your relationship. In essence, both have to figure out what is more important: your career or your relationship. I don't just mean finding a different career. What I mean is don't fall in love with your plan. You can still go active duty (albeit delayed) by going through OCS and then it's fine. You can stay dating while going to college as a civilian. You'll both be officers and all is good. Or, you both can enlist. Or, you both can do college as civilians and go through OCS. Plus, if you end up getting married, co-location is a thing. Plenty of ways to accomplish what you both ultimately want (CG service ad staying together), just not the ways you've envisioned.

If both of you are unwilling to compromise on your career goals (as in both of you have decided to enter the CG in your chosen ways), then she may not be the one for you. That is part of having adult relationships: compatible career aspirations (or at least willingness to compromise). Very tough since 3 years is a serious relationship. Making it that far means y'all can compromise on things, but career stuff isn't really a variable until college. So career talks don't seriously happen until about this time.

I hope that helps a bit. Don't mean to come off harsh if it's taken that way, just want to be transparent. Best of luck!

 

[Advancedmind]

Tough situation here. Good on you for asking advice. You are correct that officers and cadets cannot date enlisted members of their service nor any other service. This is spelled out in the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ). The UCMJ lays out the laws of the military.

USCGA also requires cadets to enter and remain unmarried throughout their time in New London. This is the same as the other Academies.

The military makes you grow up quickly since you make a lot of life decisions early on (career, financial, etc.).

My best advice is to have a long discussion with your girlfriend about both of your career aspirations and how they relate to your relationship. In essence, both have to figure out what is more important: your career or your relationship. I don't just mean finding a different career. What I mean is don't fall in love with your plan. You can still go active duty (albeit delayed) by going through OCS and then it's fine. You can stay dating while going to college as a civilian. You'll both be officers and all is good. Or, you both can enlist. Or, you both can do college as civilians and go through OCS. Plus, if you end up getting married, co-location is a thing. Plenty of ways to accomplish what you both ultimately want (CG service ad staying together), just not the ways you've envisioned.

If both of you are unwilling to compromise on your career goals (as in both of you have decided to enter the CG in your chosen ways), then she may not be the one for you. That is part of having adult relationships: compatible career aspirations (or at least willingness to compromise). Very tough since 3 years is a serious relationship. Making it that far means y'all can compromise on things, but career stuff isn't really a variable until college. So career talks don't seriously happen until about this time.

I hope that helps a bit. Don't mean to come off harsh if it's taken that way, just want to be transparent. Best of luck!

Thank you so much

 

[Capt MJ]

Trying to have a secret relationship - never a good idea. That means routinely lying, including by omission. No social media posts of you together that others might see. No photos in your rooms that could be seen. Glossing over where she is and what she is doing. Not being able to visit each other unless you sneak around. No telling your military friends, or having to swear them to secrecy (that’s how secrets get out), and putting them in an awkward position.

Not a good reason to get married now. You need to figure out who you are in the bigger world outside HS.

Do explore the options mentioned above. There are ways to navigate this that take you to active duty in a way that you can actively have a relationship - IF you both arrive at a mutual solution you can both live with, and with no underlying pocket of resentment that will boil up in a layer argument. If you love someone, you put their welfare ahead of yours. And vice versa.

 

[FiveByFive]

No offense to you and your GF, but as I was once told: "high school, what happens in high school, high school friends and high school BFs/GFs are like Monopoly money......."

In the end you will make the right choice, as will she.

 

[OldAFRet]

All good advice, but you and your GF need to decide what to do.

The crime of officer/enlisted relationships is called fraternization and is punishable under Article 134 of the UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice). Good old Article 134 is the General Article of the UCMJ covers a number of offenses. Fraternization is an officer's crime, not an enlisted person's, btw.

I knew many officer/enlisted married couples over my career. In most cases, they were in separate units and different career fields. A lot of times, they were already married when one finished his or her degree and went through OCS. In a couple of cases, commanders with nothing better to do would try to coerce one or the other member to resign his or her commission or not reenlist (in the case of the enlisted person), as it is a little difficult to prove how their relationship was detrimental to good order and discipline.

 

[OldRetSWO]

I knew many officer/enlisted married couples over my career. In most cases, they were in separate units and different career fields. A lot of times, they were already married when one finished his or her degree and went through OCS. In a couple of cases, commanders with nothing better to do would try to coerce one or the other member to resign his or her commission or not reenlist (in the case of the enlisted person), as it is a little difficult to prove how their relationship was detrimental to good order and discipline.

Let me say first that I too have known quite a few officer/enlisted married couples over the years BUT the landscape toward it has changed significantly and not in the more liberal direction. Nowadays, this is a HUGE problem just waiting to happen and I can't recommend enough to avoid the situation entirely.

 

[Impulsive]

I can second @OldRetSWO in that especially in the CG, where it is so small a service, BE CAREFUL. I can sympathize and understand some possible reasons for going enlisted that Officer's may not have the opportunity to do. I went enlisted strictly because I wanted to drive boats, do Law Enforcement, and Save Lives (not necessarily in that order). And I actually left the CG (after 10 years) because I had a stubborn Detailer (A CWO4) who was insisting I HAD to do a Headquarters Tour for "my career". Ended up leaving, joining US Customs and driving boats and doing Law Enforcement (undercover and interdiction) for another 11 years before being so broken down I was medically retired. Officers do not get those opportunities, nor do they get the Law Enforcement Specialty, or opportunity for Officer-in-Charge of smaller units.

But on the other hand, Officers get Command of larger units, MUCH more money, and can be aircraft pilots and commanders, get into intelligence areas much easier, and tend to have much better post service careers. And while the CG has come a long way in integrating Officers into Law Enforcement Teams, much of CG L/E is done by enlisted without any Officers around.

But trying to have a marriage between an Officer and enlisted person is extremely difficult and not looked good upon by higher ups. I never saw this type of relationship in the CG, but then again the times have changed and I would talk to people at the Academy and maybe write to the MCPO of the CG and see what they all say, maybe it can be done

 

[OldAFRet]

Let me say first that I too have known quite a few officer/enlisted married couples over the years BUT the landscape toward it has changed significantly and not in the more liberal direction. Nowadays, this is a HUGE problem just waiting to happen and I can't recommend enough to avoid the situation entirely.

Truth be told, the problem cases have always existed, and when it became a problem, it was a huge problem. I was stationed at KAFB when this little item made news. (couldn't get them for fraternization, so got them for turning off the A/C). https://www.upi.com/Archives/1982/0...were-relieved-of-their-command/5505387781200/ It was pretty common knowledge what was going if you were stationed there, and you can see from the article how good old Article 134 was used to the fullest to get them for something, since none of the enlisted females "benefiting" would talk.

Then there were the more harmless cases that got blown out of proportion. I once had a beer with my butter-bar OIC, and was reported by someone who wanted him gone. I told him to say he was helping me with my college algebra.

I can definitely see how this would be a bigger concern in the Navy or CG, as a shipboard romance of any sort is likely to cause problems.

But, to the OP's question, you must weigh the value of this current relationship against the value of his and her military careers. It's entirely possible you two may do one tour of duty and be done. No idea about other branches, but I saw boatloads of USAFA grads resign after doing their payback. If you have a truly solid relationship with his GF, it would be a shame to give it up to check out what military life is all about. And what is a relationship? Can you two keep your paws off each other for a few years while maintaining a commitment? Maybe circle back when your tour as an enlisted guy is done and she's finishing up the Academy? Then you could be her civilian dependent husband, and use your GI bill to finish college while she does her payback.

 

[justdoit19]

I’m a mom, of two at a SA…and 4 total. Coming from strictly an observation about HS relationships, and how they end up. The ODDS and chances, that your relationship, no matter how strong now, will survive the next 5 yrs of growing up, maturing, discovering who each of you are, are slim. The ODDS of a relationship ‘surviving’ 4 yrs at a SA? Even slimmer.

I adored all of my kiddos gf/bf’s. They had all dated for years. They all thought they had found their soul mates. They all were CERTAIN that they would last. Period. Guess what? Only one has.

My two at a SA? One broke up plebe summer. And one just got engaged (2pct club). So, it’s not impossible. But you BOTH will become different people. Think about it. You’ve never lived on you own. You’ve never had to prioritize different things. Budgeted money. Decided about attending church or not, xxx (insert here). Or been around a whole different world than high school. You will form into a somewhat different person than your high school self, as you begin to grow into your new adult self. So until you each know who that adult person is? You cannot know if you are still compatible, similarly goaled people. Some people grow closer together. MOST will grow apart. And that just the way it is! And you cannot know which you are at this point.

While looking into all of this is wise, im adding something to that advice. DONT make life altering decisions based upon your high school self. My own DH an I were HS sweethearts. We took a mutual break, moved apart, did our ‘stuff’, knowing that if we were meant to be, we would. We advised our own this way as well. You don’t want to be 10 yrs from now, regretting your decisions.

You may think you have it all figured out now, that’s normal, but I guarantee you don’t. Neither of you are the same people you will be in 5 yrs. and 5 yrs from now, you may or may not be compatible.

Good luck to you both!! Be open and honest with yourself and each other. And don’t compromise yourself…either of you…at this age. You have a lot of changing about to happen!!

 

[StPaulDad]

All correct above. 17 or 18 is very young, and who we are at that moment rarely translates to adulthood well. Exercise: picture what visible tattoo you'd get today that wouldn't embarrass the heck out of you at 47. Not some vague sleeve pattern, but an image of a person or thing. Think of all the dumb tattoos you seen on saggy, middle-aged stroller pushers and then think of yourself. If you still love 90210 or the New Jersey Nets that much then you'll wear it with pride, but things change. People change.

Also, and here's my bad guy moment: she's not in yet so don't burn anything down until she gets accepted. You haven't said anything about her qualifications, but the numbers are daunting. Enjoy senior year, know that whatever else happens it's rare to carry this forward too far, and be ready to face this when circumstances warrant a decision.

 

[BaseballGuy]

Relationships can definitely make it through the academy, there are a few people here who have been dating since before swab summer.

 

[shiner]

I'm a 2% club member. However, Officer/Enlisted relationship is dicey. It can work, but it is SUPER rare. A close friend and classmate found his way out of the Air Force for frat with an enlisted member. UCMJ, discharge, other than honorable... ugh - just not worth it.