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- Sep 27, 2008
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These are broad, large questions which can have many answers, perhaps why no one is biting.
There is simply no way of describing dual service military vs military-civilian relationships, in terms of one over the other, stress-wise. Each brings its own pros and cons, its own unique challenges. Civilian spouses suffer career disruption, handle stuff during deployments, endure countless moves, cover parenting responsibilities when the military member is gone and many other challenges, plus the normal relationship strains. Dual military face separations due to career path divergence, tough choices on stay in/get out/career assignments, childcare challenges if both are in high-pressure crazy hours jobs or both are deployed. The list is endless for both types. It comes down to the strength of the relationship, adaptability, give and take, open and honest communications and other factors. I will say most of the military women I have known have military partners, because of the “they get me factor.”
And “how often do they see each other if not married?”
First, the needs of the (fill in service) will always come first. Always.
Just because a mil-mil couple is married does not guarantee being stationed together, though the services have co-location policies that generally say they will try to co-locate. That could mean same base, same coast, or opposite ends of TX or CA. If a couple works hard at making the relationship a priority, they have a shot at figuring it out, working their way through separations and other obstacles. The same actually applies if they are not married, in terms of relationship challenges. Flexibility, adaptivity, creativity, two-way comms, honest discussions about needs and wants, absolute trust, ability to live and function without having the partner glued to their side, and dozens of other factors come into play.
DH and I spent 52 years total in the Navy, with the majority of it overlapping. We took tours apart at times, because each of us had an opportunity for a career-enhancing milestone. Or, he was in San Diego, I was in Monterey, and we focused on weekends when duty did not interfere. When I was in HI and he was in CA, we set six weeks as max time in between visits, and budgeted accordingly, and worked hard to be together the next tour. Of course, deployments messed with the six weeks plan, but I had fun meeting up with him in Hong Kong, Singapore, Portland Rose Festival, San Francisco Fleet Week, etc.
You either make it work, or you don’t. Sometimes one or both choose to get out, because that is the right solution for their priorities.
Lest this all seem doom and gloom, DH and I have enjoyed many adventures together around the world. We are strong enough to live apart, but always better together. We have no regrets, and our path worked for us, 39 years married plus two dating across the Atlantic. And, civilian military spouses are some of the coolest, strongest, resilient, capable, funny people I know.
There is simply no way of describing dual service military vs military-civilian relationships, in terms of one over the other, stress-wise. Each brings its own pros and cons, its own unique challenges. Civilian spouses suffer career disruption, handle stuff during deployments, endure countless moves, cover parenting responsibilities when the military member is gone and many other challenges, plus the normal relationship strains. Dual military face separations due to career path divergence, tough choices on stay in/get out/career assignments, childcare challenges if both are in high-pressure crazy hours jobs or both are deployed. The list is endless for both types. It comes down to the strength of the relationship, adaptability, give and take, open and honest communications and other factors. I will say most of the military women I have known have military partners, because of the “they get me factor.”
And “how often do they see each other if not married?”
First, the needs of the (fill in service) will always come first. Always.
Just because a mil-mil couple is married does not guarantee being stationed together, though the services have co-location policies that generally say they will try to co-locate. That could mean same base, same coast, or opposite ends of TX or CA. If a couple works hard at making the relationship a priority, they have a shot at figuring it out, working their way through separations and other obstacles. The same actually applies if they are not married, in terms of relationship challenges. Flexibility, adaptivity, creativity, two-way comms, honest discussions about needs and wants, absolute trust, ability to live and function without having the partner glued to their side, and dozens of other factors come into play.
DH and I spent 52 years total in the Navy, with the majority of it overlapping. We took tours apart at times, because each of us had an opportunity for a career-enhancing milestone. Or, he was in San Diego, I was in Monterey, and we focused on weekends when duty did not interfere. When I was in HI and he was in CA, we set six weeks as max time in between visits, and budgeted accordingly, and worked hard to be together the next tour. Of course, deployments messed with the six weeks plan, but I had fun meeting up with him in Hong Kong, Singapore, Portland Rose Festival, San Francisco Fleet Week, etc.
You either make it work, or you don’t. Sometimes one or both choose to get out, because that is the right solution for their priorities.
Lest this all seem doom and gloom, DH and I have enjoyed many adventures together around the world. We are strong enough to live apart, but always better together. We have no regrets, and our path worked for us, 39 years married plus two dating across the Atlantic. And, civilian military spouses are some of the coolest, strongest, resilient, capable, funny people I know.
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“DH and I have enjoyed many adventures together around the world. We are strong enough to live apart, but always better together. We have no regrets, and our path worked for us, 39 years married plus two dating across the Atlantic. Civilian military spouses are some of the coolest, strongest, resilient, capable, funny people I know.”
This makes my
heart smile @Capt MJ 