Reminisce - How does life change when the oldest(s) leave the nest?

prairie full moon

prairie full moon

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So - it is starting to hit me.

We have 6 children, 3 of whom are going to college in the fall, one to USMA (God-willing). They all have different dreams and ambitions, different calls. As I try to figure out how to have a parent present at each "drop-off," I wonder how to have a parent with the 3 left at home. (speaking a little rhetorically, here. We have some grandparents who are helpful.) There seems to be bit of a logistical challenge to this (beyond what we have experienced in the application process.)

Please share your best advice for these times when your children left your home.
 
prairie full moon said:
So - it is starting to hit me.

We have 6 children, 3 of whom are going to college in the fall, one to USMA (God-willing). They all have different dreams and ambitions, different calls. As I try to figure out how to have a parent present at each "drop-off," I wonder how to have a parent with the 3 left at home. (speaking a little rhetorically, here. We have some grandparents who are helpful.) There seems to be bit of a logistical challenge to this (beyond what we have experienced in the application process.)

Please share your best advice for these times when your children left your home.
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Awe.....I have 3 kids. My oldest 2 are in college. The youngest a senior in high school. It’s hard the first go round taking the first born to college but I found that he was so happy with his first choice for school it was a much easier drop off even though it’s 17 hours away! The same with our second. Both have thrived in their environments. If the school is a good fit and they are happy it makes it much easier! I know my youngest is picking her perfect place too (hopefully USNA) but I am sure this one will be the hardest drop off yet!! But we will all be there to support her and know it’s the right place for her. If your kids made the right choices you will be fine!
 
We have four and we're only half done, so I can tell you about the first ones leaving but I'm still awfully curious about how it works when the last one goes.

Here's the first one in a nutshell: it's August, I'm driving the oldest out east for her freshman year, we're about ten hours out and I get a text of her bedroom already painted by child #2. Brutal and funny all at once. They all got along fine, there was social media for everyone to stay as close or distant as they chose, and the vacuum was filled immediately. In fact it has seemed that (with the first three anyway) that the senior throws quite a shadow and the others don't always get a lot of light until they're on top. We saw a lot maturity come out junior and senior years for the three oldest.
 
Here is what I’ve garnered through my multiple “leaving the nest”. Last of four left last fall. First off, it’s a natural thing. For kids to ‘leave the nest’. Keep it positive. A solid example for the young ones, of what to work hard towards with their own efforts. We found the younger ones blossemed. It’s THEIR turn to be the ‘oldest” at home. A rite of passage (changing bedrooms? Use of a car? Better parking place in the drive? More responsibilities with animals?). A progression up the totem pole of the home sort of thing

Another thing, I think we handled well (especially with the SA) was drop offs. We left the younger ones at home. Said good byes there. As we knew it would be very emotional. Plus we were able to focus on the older at drop off. Which was HIGHLY emotional and in our family, I feel would have been almost traumatic for the young one to see mom upset. Im a cryer, both happy and sad tears.

Honestly all families are different. Whatever works for you! But I think something to aim for is finding the good in everything. Someone leaving? Means a better bedroom for the next one kind of thing.

Exciting times ahead. It’s all part of the process of raising adults!!

(posted at the same time as other terrific parents!!)
 
USNAhopeful2025 said:
Awe.....I have 3 kids. My oldest 2 are in college. The youngest a senior in high school. It’s hard the first go round taking the first born to college but I found that he was so happy with his first choice for school it was a much easier drop off even though it’s 17 hours away! The same with our second. Both have thrived in their environments. If the school is a good fit and they are happy it makes it much easier! I know my youngest is picking her perfect place too (hopefully USNA) but I am sure this one will be the hardest drop off yet!! But we will all be there to support her and know it’s the right place for her. If your kids made the right choices you will be fine!
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Also the logistics is tough and if the kids at home can’t stay alone then you will need to get family or friends to help. When we dropped our oldest my other 2 stayed with my best friend bc we were gone for 3 days. I do recommend not bringing all the kids to move your non USMA kids into the dorms. The dorms are small and it’s very busy getting their stuff in and organized. I was happy I left the younger 2 when we moved the oldest in. Too much going on. When we moved the middle child into the dorm the youngest stayed home but we only moved the middle child an hour away so that was easier. You can do it! Hang in there and it will all work out.
 
Regarding your three dropoffs, if one is to USMA it'll be considerably earlier than normal schools so you kind of only have to do two at nearly the same time. Are they far apart or something? Maybe divide and conquer, one parent, one college kid and some number of supporting rugrats. They can help carry and see a campus, or stay home if it sounds boring.

For that trip with the oldest I took the two youngest with us to visit cousins that lived a few hours from her school. They got to go with DD, got to see family, but only two of us had to navigate the campus dropoff zoo.
 
We have a twin set in my older Mids class...one twin at USNA, one twin at USAFA. Talk about divide an conquer! Literally, one parent to the Midwest and one to the east coast, and for pretty significant events. Commissioning will be interesting!!
 
For the oldest I Day was hard on her mother and sister. We lived close enough that we could drive down for some weekends during the four years. Son was next at a Maritime Academy but only three hours away so we got some home time with him during the four years. He just left for Diego Garcia for three months. When not at sea he does come home on occasion. Youngest did four at University two hours away and just finished one year of post grad so soon I will find out if I can get an echo in here.
 
Thank you for your replies. I have been warned what to expect for R-day. The tears will be on my drive home. A-day will be the start of the hectic time.
We live in the Midwest. One DS will be on the east coast. One DS may be on the west coast, and one DS will be either in our hometown (dorms) or within 3 hours. Those 2 have the same move-in dates. We will definitely have split duty, and will likely be using StPaulDad’s labor suggestion. It usually ends up that way anyway. 😉
This is an exciting time, and we are grateful for it.
 
Our only child left for boarding school across the country at 14, so Plebe year was his fifth year away from home. I didn't have any tears left by then; it was routine. The upside for him was he wasn't dealing with homesickness or adjustments living in a dorm/barracks, and he was a travel pro. But, as a mom, that hole in my heart never closed up. It just kept getting bigger. When the Army movers drove away with all his stuff last year, I think you could've driven a tank through it. We've missed a lot in his life, but he's missed nothing. I had to keep reminding myself that it's not about us, it's about him. I never let him see me cry in those early years because I never wanted to leave him with any image that might take the edge off his happiness or make him feel any pangs of guilt over what he was leaving behind. Instead, I wanted him to think of me with a smile on my face, pride in my eyes, and surprise at how hard I could hug him.

To those who ask how you handle these moments, I always respond, "With the beverage of your choice."
 
StPaulDad said:
In fact it has seemed that (with the first three anyway) that the senior throws quite a shadow and the others don't always get a lot of light until they're on top. We saw a lot maturity come out junior and senior years for the three oldest.
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justdoit19 said:
Here is what I’ve garnered through my multiple “leaving the nest”. Last of four left last fall. First off, it’s a natural thing. For kids to ‘leave the nest’. Keep it positive. A solid example for the young ones, of what to work hard towards with their own efforts. We found the younger ones blossomed. It’s THEIR turn to be the ‘oldest” at home. A rite of passage (changing bedrooms? Use of a car? Better parking place in the drive? More responsibilities with animals?). A progression up the totem pole of the home sort of thing
Click to expand...

Totally agree. The younger ones will shine a bit more once the older ones are gone. Right now I would imagine there is so much energy and discussion surrounding your older three. Once they leave and all that settles down, I think you may be surprised at how quickly you get used to being a family of X instead of a family of >X. (Anyone can insert their own factor for X there.) It just all melds and becomes your norm.

Sounds like you have a lot of exciting events coming up this year! Enjoy it all!
 
Sandydesert said:
One of the things that we had to get used to was not buying as many groceries, since there were less people to eat them.
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This was initially our case when DD left for USNA. But then DS, three years younger, started sprouting — to the point that his mealtime share soon became the equivalent of his former share and DD’s former share too. Then DD came home last spring for extended ROM, with a bigger appetite than when she’d initially left!

We don’t expect food spending and consumption to fall again until DS flies the coop. But I’m guessing that those increasingly rare times when both DD and DS are home together in the future, we’ll be beyond thrilled to be buying, cooking and eating large amounts of food!
 
Mine is an only child and I am going through some major "well-that-went-by-way-too-fast" mother hen blues. I know Plan A and Plan B (both SAs, both 1000 miles away) are what is best for him and his future and what he wants and where he will thrive most but Plan C - the 4 yr ROTC scholarship with paid room and board that he won for the university 20 miles down the road - isn't too shabby from his mama's skewed perspective either. Time to cut the cord, I know. (I also see cringe at the thought of having to shovel all the roofs next winter without him (we average 300 inches of snow a season).
 
I know not the same but my ds lived with another family during lockdown. I definitely got more sleep. :) I missed him of course but I knew he was in a safe environment and had what he needed.

If he does go somewhere (fingers crossed) I won't travel unless the school requires a parent to be there. I would first ask for an exception it is really hard for me to travel.
I've heard schools have host families who adopt the students that they can visit in town and I would definitely like to look into that if he gets accepted. Hopefully a kind sister out there will become one of his Other Mothers. <3

One thing I'll add is not being able to be there in person for most things definitely gives one appreciation for the PAO and photographer at events. :)
 
Hold my beer. We drove our son to two of the five colleges he attended before finally graduating. He drove to the one in Kansas (from Virginia) and the final two were local. Dear Wife cried all the way home. Dear Daughter was already out of the house but local and the two Dear Grandsons help with the empty nest. His first duty station after TBS which is just through the woods from where I keyboard this was Camp Lejeune, NC. It's a five hour drive and he spent part of his childhood there and we got down there and/or he came home 2-3 times a year. After two deployments he was due for a B billet (sailors call this shore duty) and he was supposed to transfer to TBS to be a staff platoon commander. Nope, his orders were changed to CENTCOM Forward. He spent a year in the Middle East traveling around with a team of joint service senior enlisted of various MOSs doing security and threat assessment type of work. He came home once in that year. Came time for orders. Monitor (sailors call them detailers) gave him orders to MCIOC which is on the TBS/FBI side of MCB Quantico. Again, just through the woods from me. Nope, orders got changed to 1st Marine Division.

WTH he said and called the monitor. Dude, WTH he asked. Dude, it's out of my hands. I was told to change your orders.

At this point Dear Wife is crying. He came home from the ME for a few days and then drove to California. He spent two years at Division then they sent him to 29 Palms for his first B billet in almost eight years. Highly unusual and he said people were telling him they've never heard of that. Anyway, he made major and is eligible to transfer to a major's job. He was supposedly going back to Lejeune to be the OPS O and then XO for an officer/his mentor who is taking command of a battalion. Nope, his current CO and XO called the monitor and said they need to keep him. He could refuse and make a fuss about it but would probably lose and these people write his fitness reports. Plus, they sweetened the deal by making him the S3-A, assistant operations officer, and one of the infantry leads for the training exercises. His is an engineer and not an 0302. This is going to make the grunts freak out. He has a 50 day exercise going and basically lives in the field, but got a signal a few nights ago and called us with the news. His Dear Mom was on the phone first. She didn't start crying until she handed me the phone. Another year and a half there when we thought he was coming back to the east coast. To make matters worse, he said if he doesn't get selected for school next board, a billet back at 1st Marine Division will be open and he'll probably be sent there. Thank you Marine Corps for stealing our son.

Apologies for the wall of text but when little Johnny/Janie start adulting it gets even worse. The longing to see them never goes away. I feel your pain.
 
Treat your 3 leaving for college FAIRLY, but that does not mean IDENTICALLY.

Make sure your family understands this. That if in dire need, you the parent will drop everything and move mountains to get there, send them stuff, or do what is required. But the day-to-day, including drop off and events at State U vs. Academies - that will be different. Again, fair, but not identical treatment.

On a humorous note:
Do not SMOTHER the remaining children! I REPEAT, do not SMOTHER*!
*Or, agree to a mutually beneficial smothering relationship.

Depends on family dynamics. My SA DD was always under the radar. Then she became our sole focus. We realized this when, for 5am swim practices, i'd be up and ready to hand her her swim bag, and DH warmed up her car for 10 minutes already. We looked at each other like, What are we doing???!!! She came downstairs, looked at us, and yelled "leave me alone!". HAHAHA!!!!!

That said, you are the parent, and you have feelings too. My SA DD understood this, and she understood we would be smotherers that final year, like it or not. Once she got her appointment, we went into hyper bubble wrap. A side benefit is she developed superior ninja skills, she learned that we'd rush to the bottom of the stairwell if we heard her coming downstairs (look up stats on falling down stairs!!) and into the kitchen (never let her cut anything, if we could help it!) HAHAHA!! She did learn early on to embrace the smothering, and channel it. My favorite new saying was yelling up the stairs, "DD! Is there anything I can do for you that you should be doing for yourself?" It was a great year for her in many ways, like no laundry, eating and leaving plates upstairs, and every meal/time was her choice. So go ahead and snark...but I know that 100 lurkers are saying, yeah, i'm doing that too!

For parents:
I highly suggest PTA! It's a lot of fun, you can channel your energies productively while staying in your lane! Food for teachers, snacks for testing, working the PTA table at events - it's great! Plus, you will have those skills when you join.....the SA parents group!
 
Devil Doc said:
Hold my beer. We drove our son to two of the five colleges he attended before finally graduating. He drove to the one in Kansas (from Virginia) and the final two were local. Dear Wife cried all the way home. Dear Daughter was already out of the house but local and the two Dear Grandsons help with the empty nest. His first duty station after TBS which is just through the woods from where I keyboard this was Camp Lejeune, NC. It's a five hour drive and he spent part of his childhood there and we got down there and/or he came home 2-3 times a year. After two deployments he was due for a B billet (sailors call this shore duty) and he was supposed to transfer to TBS to be a staff platoon commander. Nope, his orders were changed to CENTCOM Forward. He spent a year in the Middle East traveling around with a team of joint service senior enlisted of various MOSs doing security and threat assessment type of work. He came home once in that year. Came time for orders. Monitor (sailors call them detailers) gave him orders to MCIOC which is on the TBS/FBI side of MCB Quantico. Again, just through the woods from me. Nope, orders got changed to 1st Marine Division.

WTH he said and called the monitor. Dude, WTH he asked. Dude, it's out of my hands. I was told to change your orders.

At this point Dear Wife is crying. He came home from the ME for a few days and then drove to California. He spent two years at Division then they sent him to 29 Palms for his first B billet in almost eight years. Highly unusual and he said people were telling him they've never heard of that. Anyway, he made major and is eligible to transfer to a major's job. He was supposedly going back to Lejeune to be the OPS O and then XO for an officer/his mentor who is taking command of a battalion. Nope, his current CO and XO called the monitor and said they need to keep him. He could refuse and make a fuss about it but would probably lose and these people write his fitness reports. Plus, they sweetened the deal by making him the S3-A, assistant operations officer, and one of the infantry leads for the training exercises. His is an engineer and not an 0302. This is going to make the grunts freak out. He has a 50 day exercise going and basically lives in the field, but got a signal a few nights ago and called us with the news. His Dear Mom was on the phone first. She didn't start crying until she handed me the phone. Another year and a half there when we thought he was coming back to the east coast. To make matters worse, he said if he doesn't get selected for school next board, a billet back at 1st Marine Division will be open and he'll probably be sent there. Thank you Marine Corps for stealing our son.

Apologies for the wall of text but when little Johnny/Janie start adulting it gets even worse. The longing to see them never goes away. I feel your pain.
Click to expand...
Not that dissimilar to our experience. my younger son went to USNA and sadly, I ended up having a cancer year during the latter part of his plebe year and the next couple of years were a bit tentative so we certainly didn't get down there much. Actually, he came home on his few weekend liberties to do yardwork and house chores that I was just not able to handle. After he graduated, Nuc school and prototype for a year - we saw him once or twice and then 1st sub in Hawaii for 3.5 yrs or so and we were never able to schedule a time when he was not deployed and we could take off to see him. Then graduate school in Europe, at least we were able to see him while he was at language school in DC a couple of times but then he was overseas. We were scheduled to go see him and our brand new granddaughter when a big medical crisis reared its head and pushed us out 6 months but eventually we spent a week with them in Europe. That was his "shore duty". Finally, he finished and went to Submarine department head school - we got to see them a couple of times but then stationed on a sub in Kings Bay GA and gone a lot. We can't even see him when they are in because COVID but we do Zoom every couple of weeks.
 
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