Review NROTC Essay #1

Discussion in 'ROTC' started by olesh, Oct 28, 2013.

  1. olesh

    olesh New Member

    Oct 28, 2013
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    Hello all,
    Well aware of how annoying these threads can be, however I can think of no better community to help me strengthen my NROTC essay. I appreciate ALL input and thank you for simply taking the time to read it. Specifically, I would like comments regarding my essay's appeal to officers who read it rather than flow.
    As follows,

    Every veteran I have ever met demonstrates an inspiring sense of purpose and fulfillment in life, a vigilance provided by a universal goal of making the world a better place. My first reason to become a Naval Officer is to live this creed every day, embodying the core values all Officers share. This ambition can be traced back to my childhood when my father instilled in me a strong desire to find purpose in life by his accounts of service in the Navy. It is his heritage and the tradition of Naval Officers worldwide that sparked within me a commitment to become a Naval Officer. It is their valor that led me to my purpose in life, a dedication to honor, to hold true to the sacrifice of every serviceman past. Our world was built on the lives and deaths of a select few men and women brave enough to fight, and this selfless act is not something you can ask of a person; it is something they must ask for themselves. I strive constantly to emulate this principle, one that I will stand and sacrifice for. The desire to live out the courageous actions of the Navy is a major purpose in my life, the creed all Officers share that powers me forward even now.

    The ambition of becoming a Naval Officer has fueled all other aspects and passions of my life, including education and leadership. This goal has given me a second reason for seeking a NROTC scholarship, to earn the quality education and training that only the United States Navy can provide. Naval Officers don?t just become elite warriors. They become superior engineers, pilots, or doctors. Most importantly, through a higher education, they learn how to protect without firing a single bullet, how to mend rather than destroy in order to protect peace globally. This quality is what I desire, an education of strength and of purpose. In turn, I can use this guidance to further the mission of the United States Navy.

    Rights aren?t rights if someone can take them away and as a part of the United States Navy, I would be a key piece in a system devoted to the purpose of defending not just this country, but a global reach of land and sea. This principle is the third and most important reason of my desire to obtain an NROTC scholarship. Through the ambition of becoming an Officer, I also undertake the constant necessity of protection, the privilege of inspiration, and a lifelong purpose, a commitment to excellence.
  2. EDelahanty

    EDelahanty 5-Year Member

    May 7, 2010
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    Sent you a PM. Your essay needs some work.
  3. MedB

    MedB Parent

    Dec 26, 2012
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    Hi Olesh,

    Thanks for your desire to serve and for sharing your passion with all of us.

    A couple of constructive tips you might want to consider...

    1) While your basic paragraph structure is on the right track with separated supporting arguements, an engaging introduction and concluding summary are missing.

    2) If your third point is your most important one, it shouldn't feel like an add-on thought. Lead with your best punch as the saying goes.

    3) (The hard one) I have no doubt as to your passion around the topic. But the first paragraph does not speak to you as much as it does to Sailors in general or your Dad. No disrespect meant to either, but this essay should be about you. If those key influences have shaped YOUR life, tell the reader how! That's the compelling part. (For the record, my Dad was career Navy as well, so please know that I understand what you were going for, just trying to help you get there!)
    Hope this helps and good luck.
  4. Pima

    Pima 5-Year Member

    Nov 28, 2007
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    +1 Med

    The traditional rule is opening sentence, defense and closing sentence. Repeat for paragraphs, opening, defense and closing.

    I would re-read it again looking for errors. For example:
    ~ Rule of thumb is not to end a sentence with a preposition.
    ~ Maybe just me, but that sounds strange....all officers share that powers me forward even now.
    ~Become or are?
    ~Again, might be me, but isn't that a run-on sentence? You could separate the sentence to Rights aren't...take them away. As a member of the...

    I also agree if it is the most important why wait until the last paragraph.

    I also did not feel there was an opening and closing paragraph. I felt as if I was thrown into the defense paragraphs.
  5. Rupre07

    Rupre07 Member

    Sep 9, 2013
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    I believe the messages you're trying to convey are very appealing but I would suggest:
    1. Better sentence structure-some run ons and odd grammar placement-needs to sound like you were taking normally.
    2. Do not explicitly say : this is the first,second,etc reason for...
    3. Be careful of the word all, always, every, because often times, that's not true.

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