ROTC Essays Help?

[CJD]

Hey everyone, I'm applying for the Army ROTC scholarship (currently a senior in high school). Any suggestions about what to include in the essays or any changes I should make are appreciated. Mainly concerned about the first one, which I've pasted below. Thanks!

-Consider carefully, and then state below in the space provided why you wish to enroll in the Army ROTC Program. Indicate in your statement how you believe your own objectives in life are related to the education and training offered by Army ROTC and what a career obligation means to you. (2000 Character Max)
My vision for my life is to use all of my skills to their fullest potentials, to make a meaningful and selfless difference in the world, to lead others in purposeful careers, and to pursue personal and professional excellence each day. Becoming an army officer and living the seven core army values every day allows me to accomplish each of these goals.
Through Army ROTC, I am expecting to learn how to lead effectively and become stronger mentally and physically. I also look forward to spending time with others that have similar values and ambitions as well as learning from the experiences of those that have already been through this training. This will allow me to learn as much as I can from the program and succeed. I believe that prioritizing the training, experiences, and people of ROTC will help me learn as much as possible, enhance my mindset, and ultimately achieve the vision stated above.
A career obligation is a commitment to spend most of your life and much effort furthering the objectives of those that you work for. Realizing this, I can feel secure that my career will be fulfilling, as the US military’s overarching goals are ones that I believe in. Commiting to the Army is to become a part one of the most powerful forces in the world: a force that guards the safety, freedom, and values of our nation. With such important matters at stake, a commitment must mean giving your best each day, contributing as much as possible, staying a step ahead of the rest, and being ready to make any necessary sacrifice; otherwise, you risk failing your whole nation.

 

[curiouslystrongmints]

This essay does a very good job answering the prompt and uses a variety of good language, but I really want to see more of you in it. What have you done to cement your commitment to the Army? What organizations/leadership opportunities will help you down the road? If you need more help feel free to ask specifics. Also, make sure your grammar works and it flows effectively (if you're going to capitalize Army, make sure you do it throughout. In the third paragraph, "a part one" (???)Make sure you catch these small mistakes!)

 

[thibaud]

It's on point but bloodless and abstract. You need vivid ILLUSTRATIONS and examples, drawn from your experience, of these abstract points to make them real, meaningful, and memorable.

From Strunk & White, The Elements of Style, pp. 30-31 ("rule" #16: Use definite, specific, concrete language):

In exposition and in argument, the writer must likewise never lose hold of the concrete; and even when dealing with general principles, the writer must furnish particular instances of their application.

In his Philosophy of Style, Herbert Spencer gives two sentences to illustrate how the vague and general can be turned into the vivid and particular:

VAGUE & GENERAL: In proportion as the manners, customs, and amusements of a nation are cruel and barbarous, the regulations of its penal code will be severe.

VIVID & PARTICULAR: In proportion as men delight in battles, bullfights, and combats of gladiators, will they punish by hanging, burning, and the rack.
​

To show what happens when strong writing is deprived of its vigor, George Orwell once took a passage from the Bible and drained it of its blood. [Below is ]Orwell's translation, [followed by the original] verse from Ecclesiastes (King James Version).

VAGUE & BLOODLESS: Objective consideration of contemporary phenomena compels the conclusion that success or failure in competitive activities exhibits no tendency to be commensurate with innate capacity, but that a considerable element of the unpredictable must inevitably be taken into account.

VIVID & STRONG: I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favor to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.​

 

[SY96]

Bottom line: show me who YOU are. Give an example of an experience and how this ties in to your desire to serve and lead.

 

[BUArmyROTC]

I agree that it is more about telling who you are. Many of the essays will say all the "right" things like Army Values, but your interest in leading and serving, plus a key experience will catch more attention.

 

[Bash On]

Last year, we hired an essay consultant to help my DD (don't laugh, it's quite common in our local school district). The resulting essays were technically quite good and highlighted all DD's accomplishments. DD was nominated to USNA and USMA but only applied to USNA and USCGA. She didn't complete her NROTC application as she had her heart set on an academy. She got a TWE from both academies but joined a NROTC unit as a non-scholarship programmer (Plan C or D--I lost track).

While the essays from last year looked fine, they did not convey her passion and her desire to serve--and they did little to distinguish her from all the other thousands of well-qualified applicants. This year, she applied for a NROTC scholarship and the USCGA. DD told me she tore up the prior year's essays and started from scratch, putting it "all in." She did--she talked frankly about her challenges as well as her attributes. Her scrappy, can-do personality really shone through.

I'm a tough guy but reading her essays brought a tear to my eye, they were so moving. Apparently they also made an impression on the two selection boards, as she got both a national (4-year) NROTC scholarship and a USCGA appointment.

 

[BossIsland0]

Hey everyone, I'm applying for the Army ROTC scholarship (currently a senior in high school). Any suggestions about what to include in the essays or any changes I should make are appreciated. Mainly concerned about the first one, which I've pasted below. Thanks!

-Consider carefully, and then state below in the space provided why you wish to enroll in the Army ROTC Program. Indicate in your statement how you believe your own objectives in life are related to the education and training offered by Army ROTC and what a career obligation means to you. (2000 Character Max)
My vision for my life is to use all of my skills to their fullest potentials, to make a meaningful and selfless difference in the world, to lead others in purposeful careers, and to pursue personal and professional excellence each day. Becoming an army officer and living the seven core army values every day allows me to accomplish each of these goals.
Through Army ROTC, I am expecting to learn how to lead effectively and become stronger mentally and physically. I also look forward to spending time with others that have similar values and ambitions as well as learning from the experiences of those that have already been through this training. This will allow me to learn as much as I can from the program and succeed. I believe that prioritizing the training, experiences, and people of ROTC will help me learn as much as possible, enhance my mindset, and ultimately achieve the vision stated above.
A career obligation is a commitment to spend most of your life and much effort furthering the objectives of those that you work for. Realizing this, I can feel secure that my career will be fulfilling, as the US military’s overarching goals are ones that I believe in. Commiting to the Army is to become a part one of the most powerful forces in the world: a force that guards the safety, freedom, and values of our nation. With such important matters at stake, a commitment must mean giving your best each day, contributing as much as possible, staying a step ahead of the rest, and being ready to make any necessary sacrifice; otherwise, you risk failing your whole nation.

So, uh, did you get the scholarship?