SMC personal statements/essays

[SCcandidate2015]

First off, hello everyone! I am a 2015 AFA Candidate, and am also applying to several other colleges, including the SMCs.

These particular statements are requested by VTech, but I can use them for other college applications as well, or as a base for longer essays. They are limited to 250 words in length, so they aren't very long. I tried to take an approach where I felt like they were finished, rather than just filling in aimlessly to try to max out the word limit. I have an opportunity to make up to three personal statements, but so far have decided to do only two. Should I do a third?

I am requesting feedback on how they sound, and their quality. One weak area that might be very apparent in my writing is voice. This has always been a difficult area for me to work on, and it might seem very apparent. Any comments are appreciated.

What do you consider the greatest benefit(s) of a diverse educational community?

The greatest benefit of a diverse educational community is that individuals from different racial, socioeconomic, and geographical backgrounds can all add something different to an otherwise stagnant learning environment. Like-mindedness is the plague of an education. Varied backgrounds bring with them characteristics essential to fighting both educational and social ignorance. Different ideas, stemming from diverse backgrounds, are what lead to educational discovery and social maturity and tolerance. College is often what most prepares someone for the challenges faced in real life. A person cannot expect to encounter others who are all like himself in the working world; exposure to diverse people is best-suited to happen in a learning environment, a place where everyone must work together to attain a common goal.

Which of your current or previous teachers do you admire most, and why?

The teacher who I admire most is Major ..., my AFJROTC Senior Aerospace Science Instructor. Major ... is an Officer that exudes what a leader is made of. He is confident, poised, and provides excellent leadership to the Unit and guidance to its staff. I admire his professionalism in the sense that if he doesn’t readily know how to fix a problem, he will invest valuable time and relentless effort in constructing a solution. I also admire that he didn’t do so well in high school, but through hard work and perseverance eventually bettered himself to earn an ROTC scholarship and a Commission in the United States Air Force. This perhaps makes him a better leader than others, because he understands the value of an education more, and where a good one can lead you in life. His service in our nation’s military in JROTC, ROTC, in the Air Force, and now as a dedicated JROTC Instructor, is honorable. Through my education and desire to also serve in the Air Force, I hope to follow in a similar, albeit individual, path.

 

[goldfarb1]

Good foundation to start with. But since you asked for an opinion, I'll give you an honest opinion.

First essay: Sounds very cliche. An easy way to avoid being cliche is give a personal example of where you benefited from diversity in an educational community, and then tie it back to 2-3 main principles. Something like--"I benefited from diversity in my sociology class because the multi-national background of the students allowed me to gain perspectives I would not have otherwise seen." Obviously this isn't a great example and worded poorly, but you get the point.

Second essay: Ideas are good. I think all you need to work on here is structure, flow, and wording. Be very clear with what you want to say. For example, I like to eat steak. All I need to say is "I like to eat steak." Anyother way I put it is just going to sound dragged on and weak. As far as content goes--give an example or two of how you incorporate what you've learned from Major xxx's leadership into your life. Obviously the question is geared towards trying to find out what an applicant's idea of a mentor/leader's traits are. Knowing that, make sure you clearly specify these traits.

 

[MorganC]

I would take these off of here If I were you. You don't want anyone stealing your work and claiming it for their own. My suggestion would be to ask if anyone would be willing to look at them and then send them in a PM.