Summer Seminar Essay Question

Rabbitfoot10

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Good evening.

I am interested in gaining a learning experience in the USAFA Summer Seminar program and have finished all the parts in my application- except the last question on my essay writing part. Here is what I have for both essays. Please let me know how I could improve those essays.

(Constructive criticism is absolutely welcome by the way. Let me have it!)


1.) Please discuss any personal life experience where you have overcome adversity or challenges that have shaped you into the person you are today.? (3000 characters max)

My family and I were packing our bags, changing homes from Miami to Naples, Florida. Leaving family and friends was a difficult challenge for my family and I. Not too long after the move, my Abuelo, (grandfather) passed away. This conflicting event was the low point of my life. I had been excited to see him for weeks so that I could show him around the museum at the airport with all the Vietnam-era model aircraft. The air loomed with despair, and the lack of motivation caused me to do poorly in my first year of middle school.

After some time, I decided that, although the passing of my Abuelo was a difficult internal conflict to combat, I knew that it was a battle that I had to fight. I decided to take ownership of my physical health and set goals for myself. Getting into shape, and deciding to study, constantly pushed me in the direction of being better than I ever thought I could be. Besides, I would not want to disappoint my Abuelo, as he would want me to continue to move forward.

By my second year of middle school, I had set goals for military service in order to better myself and serve the country that my family and I loved. My dad, being a former combat engineer in the U.S. Army, and my Abuelo, a drill instructor and Vietnam veteran in the Marine Corps, provided me with the foundation to want to push through the challenges in my life and dedicate myself to being an officer in the military.

Facing the passing of my Abuelo taught me to always stay strong, no matter what. Being able to adapt to situations that will test your very soul, and maintain a level of adaptability and vigor as a result of understanding these characteristics taught me a lot. As a result of these characteristics, I was able to comfort my little brother and provide an example for him, who was hiding his pain from my Abuelo's passing. His increase in personal confidence and success in JROTC and school have made me feel like an accomplished brother, and I can't wait to lead and help others that may need a little motivation to keep moving forward.



2. What makes you a unique candidate for the summer seminar program? (1500 characters max)


Aviation was one of the factors in my life that made me want to pursue the Air Force Academy more than the other service academies. While I am aware that the Navy, Marine Corps, and Army are all involved in some capacity in aviation, the Air Force has never ceased to amaze me with the global changes it has brought not only to aviation but also to the changes in tactics the United States has utilized in its military. I am currently in ground school preparing to take my private pilot exam as a high school student, as well as attending a JROTC program.

One of the most important lessons I have learned throughout my time in the aviation and JROTC courses is dedication. I have had friends drop both the aviation and JROTC courses because they could not handle the rigorous content and non-stop flow of responsibility. The responsibilities varied, from preparing cadets to compete in drill competitions to understanding how to keep everyone inside and outside of an aircraft safe. Although I had questioned myself about being in those programs, those questions were nothing short of intrusive thoughts trying to break me. However, I was motivated by my interest in the aircraft and cadets that I would surround myself with throughout my life.

If I am accepted into the United States Air Force Academy Summer Seminar, then I will dedicate myself to whatever challenge or task is thrown at me. Whether it be to think outside the box or to work with other cadets in order to accomplish a goal, I will utilize my skills to their utmost efficiency.


(My second one is quite awful. Let me know how i can fix or add to it.)
 
I'm also in the process of applying to Summer Seminar, so feel free to take this with a grain of salt since we're both in the same boat:

Your second essay has a great foundation, but it's "basic". It is basic in a way that it does not showcase who you are as a person. How many other people in JROTC could write the same thing as you? The answer is probably quite a few. The Academy can see your extracurriculars when you apply. They know what JROTC entails and how it can develop you. The Academy knows that most people applying will have some sort of interest in aircraft, that's almost a given because it is the Air Force. They know that their cadets will motivate each other, that is the program they have built.

What they don't know is who you are as a person. The admissions officers want to see specifics. They want to see who you are as a person: as a leader, follower, friend, classmate, teammate, etc. Your first essay does a good job at this. You nailed it right on the head with lots of details that specifically show how you sorted through and overcame adversity. The first essay perfectly goes through the STAR (Situation, Task, Action, Result) model that they're looking for. Your second essay doesn't do that. It gives generic examples as to why you are a unique candidate. Do not get me wrong, they are great qualities, but nearly everyone applying will also have the same motivations and desire to serve.
My suggestion is to develop another story with details and specifics. Perhaps how you created a new program in ROTC, challenges as a leader in ROTC and how you overcame them, or a story regarding your impact on your school or community. The idea is to get the Admissions officers to remember you. They won't remember the hundreds of kids writing about how great the Academy is, the admissions officers know this. Make them remember your story. Give them something to use to advocate for you. A personalized story is a great way to do that.

(That definitely developed in an unorganized critique, so let me know if you have any questions. You're off to a great start with your first essay, now drive home your case with the second one!)

Edit: TLDR: Show don't tell!!!
 
I'm also in the process of applying to Summer Seminar, so feel free to take this with a grain of salt since we're both in the same boat:

Your second essay has a great foundation, but it's "basic". It is basic in a way that it does not showcase who you are as a person. How many other people in JROTC could write the same thing as you? The answer is probably quite a few. The Academy can see your extracurriculars when you apply. They know what JROTC entails and how it can develop you. The Academy knows that most people applying will have some sort of interest in aircraft, that's almost a given because it is the Air Force. They know that their cadets will motivate each other, that is the program they have built.

What they don't know is who you are as a person. The admissions officers want to see specifics. They want to see who you are as a person: as a leader, follower, friend, classmate, teammate, etc. Your first essay does a good job at this. You nailed it right on the head with lots of details that specifically show how you sorted through and overcame adversity. The first essay perfectly goes through the STAR (Situation, Task, Action, Result) model that they're looking for. Your second essay doesn't do that. It gives generic examples as to why you are a unique candidate. Do not get me wrong, they are great qualities, but nearly everyone applying will also have the same motivations and desire to serve.
My suggestion is to develop another story with details and specifics. Perhaps how you created a new program in ROTC, challenges as a leader in ROTC and how you overcame them, or a story regarding your impact on your school or community. The idea is to get the Admissions officers to remember you. They won't remember the hundreds of kids writing about how great the Academy is, the admissions officers know this. Make them remember your story. Give them something to use to advocate for you. A personalized story is a great way to do that.

(That definitely developed in an unorganized critique, so let me know if you have any questions. You're off to a great start with your first essay, now drive home your case with the second one!)

Edit: TLDR: Show don't tell!!!
You got it. Thanks very much! Good luck, I hope to see you at the Summer Seminar my friend.
 
I'm also in the process of applying to Summer Seminar, so feel free to take this with a grain of salt since we're both in the same boat:

Your second essay has a great foundation, but it's "basic". It is basic in a way that it does not showcase who you are as a person. How many other people in JROTC could write the same thing as you? The answer is probably quite a few. The Academy can see your extracurriculars when you apply. They know what JROTC entails and how it can develop you. The Academy knows that most people applying will have some sort of interest in aircraft, that's almost a given because it is the Air Force. They know that their cadets will motivate each other, that is the program they have built.

What they don't know is who you are as a person. The admissions officers want to see specifics. They want to see who you are as a person: as a leader, follower, friend, classmate, teammate, etc. Your first essay does a good job at this. You nailed it right on the head with lots of details that specifically show how you sorted through and overcame adversity. The first essay perfectly goes through the STAR (Situation, Task, Action, Result) model that they're looking for. Your second essay doesn't do that. It gives generic examples as to why you are a unique candidate. Do not get me wrong, they are great qualities, but nearly everyone applying will also have the same motivations and desire to serve.
My suggestion is to develop another story with details and specifics. Perhaps how you created a new program in ROTC, challenges as a leader in ROTC and how you overcame them, or a story regarding your impact on your school or community. The idea is to get the Admissions officers to remember you. They won't remember the hundreds of kids writing about how great the Academy is, the admissions officers know this. Make them remember your story. Give them something to use to advocate for you. A personalized story is a great way to do that.

(That definitely developed in an unorganized critique, so let me know if you have any questions. You're off to a great start with your first essay, now drive home your case with the second one!)

Edit: TLDR: Show don't tell!!!
I met Robin Olds when he was the guest speaker at my brother's change of command. All of Hollywood couldn't come up with a character like him! He was also pretty free with his opinions!
 
I'm also in the process of applying to Summer Seminar, so feel free to take this with a grain of salt since we're both in the same boat:

Your second essay has a great foundation, but it's "basic". It is basic in a way that it does not showcase who you are as a person. How many other people in JROTC could write the same thing as you? The answer is probably quite a few. The Academy can see your extracurriculars when you apply. They know what JROTC entails and how it can develop you. The Academy knows that most people applying will have some sort of interest in aircraft, that's almost a given because it is the Air Force. They know that their cadets will motivate each other, that is the program they have built.

What they don't know is who you are as a person. The admissions officers want to see specifics. They want to see who you are as a person: as a leader, follower, friend, classmate, teammate, etc. Your first essay does a good job at this. You nailed it right on the head with lots of details that specifically show how you sorted through and overcame adversity. The first essay perfectly goes through the STAR (Situation, Task, Action, Result) model that they're looking for. Your second essay doesn't do that. It gives generic examples as to why you are a unique candidate. Do not get me wrong, they are great qualities, but nearly everyone applying will also have the same motivations and desire to serve.
My suggestion is to develop another story with details and specifics. Perhaps how you created a new program in ROTC, challenges as a leader in ROTC and how you overcame them, or a story regarding your impact on your school or community. The idea is to get the Admissions officers to remember you. They won't remember the hundreds of kids writing about how great the Academy is, the admissions officers know this. Make them remember your story. Give them something to use to advocate for you. A personalized story is a great way to do that.

(That definitely developed in an unorganized critique, so let me know if you have any questions. You're off to a great start with your first essay, now drive home your case with the second one!)

Edit: TLDR: Show don't tell!!!
I fixed the second essay. A little less basic?

2. What makes you a unique candidate for the summer seminar program? (1500 characters max)

I am currently a high school student preparing to take my private pilot exam in ground school, as well as being enrolled in a JROTC program. My time in the aviation and JROTC classes has taught me many valuable lessons, one of which is the value of commitment and dedication.

I remember having to choose between studying for an upcoming aviation exam and getting ready for a JROTC lesson debrief. Instead of allocating time to prepare for both classes, I had decided to only prepare for my aviation exam. The cadets in my platoon weren't ready for the mission debrief as a result of my apathy toward balancing both classes. Although I had allocated all my time to my aviation course, the exam was delayed anyway. After learning a valuable lesson that day, I decided to work with my First-Sergeant and Company Commander to schedule time to fully comprehend our JROTC assignment (lesson debrief) and prepare for our battalion inspection. I was able to focus myself the following day on scheduling and leveling time for my aviation test and preparing my unit for the upcoming instruction.

If I'm selected for the USAFA Summer Seminar, I'll give everything I've got to my team and any challenges we face in order to succeed. I'll use my abilities as effectively as possible. Even if I am not accepted into the summer seminar, I will continue to dedicate myself to my studies, the aviation course, and JROTC. This will eventually get me ready to apply to the Air Force Academy.
 
Last edited:
I fixed the second essay. A little less basic?

2. What makes you a unique candidate for the summer seminar program? (1500 characters max)

I am currently a high school student preparing to take my private pilot exam in ground school, as well as being enrolled in a JROTC program. My time in the aviation and JROTC classes has taught me many valuable lessons, one of which is the value of commitment and dedication.

I remember having to choose between studying for an upcoming aviation exam and getting ready for a JROTC lesson debrief. Instead of allocating time to prepare for both classes, I had decided to only prepare for my aviation exam. The cadets in my platoon weren't ready for the mission debrief as a result of my apathy toward balancing both classes. Although I had allocated all my time to my aviation course, the exam was delayed anyway. After learning a valuable lesson that day, I decided to work with my First-Sergeant and Company Commander to schedule time to fully comprehend our JROTC assignment (lesson debrief) and prepare for our battalion inspection. I was able to focus myself the following day on scheduling and leveling time for my aviation test and preparing my unit for the upcoming instruction.

If I'm selected for the USAFA Summer Seminar, I'll give everything I've got to my team and any challenges we face in order to succeed. I'll use my abilities as effectively as possible. Even if I am not accepted into the summer seminar, I will continue to dedicate myself to my studies, the aviation course, and JROTC. This will eventually get me ready to apply to the Air Force Academy.
This is what makes you unique? Aviation, JROTC, and another challenge to overcome? I attended SS in person last year. It's more of a recruiting session than working in teams as you're assuming. Personally I think your audience wants to hear justification on, why you, and not the 1000 others that are into aviation and JROTC.
You mention your Abuelo. Assuming you're Hispanic, why not approach this as wanting to represent diversity an aviation? I believe Hispanics are the lowest represented minority in USAF officer ranks (6% USAF officers vs. 18% of population I think read recently). That's fairly unique. If you have high test scores, you're going to have options after HS. Rather than sounding as if you made your decision on USAFA, you might want to state that you'd like to attend SS to make sure USAFA is right for you before you have to make a choice. Think like an admissions officer and ask who you're looking for to fill a SS session and ultimatly a class. If you're not one of the MANY blonde hair, blue eyed cadets with military and political connections, make it known. Represent!
 
This is what makes you unique? Aviation, JROTC, and another challenge to overcome? I attended SS in person last year. It's more of a recruiting session than working in teams as you're assuming. Personally I think your audience wants to hear justification on, why you, and not the 1000 others that are into aviation and JROTC.
You mention your Abuelo. Assuming you're Hispanic, why not approach this as wanting to represent diversity an aviation? I believe Hispanics are the lowest represented minority in USAF officer ranks (6% USAF officers vs. 18% of population I think read recently). That's fairly unique. If you have high test scores, you're going to have options after HS. Rather than sounding as if you made your decision on USAFA, you might want to state that you'd like to attend SS to make sure USAFA is right for you before you have to make a choice. Think like an admissions officer and ask who you're looking for to fill a SS session and ultimatly a class. If you're not one of the MANY blonde hair, blue eyed cadets with military and political connections, make it known. Represent!
That is true that Hispanics, (yes I am) are barely represented in the Officer ranks, but I never really wanted to use my culture or the fact I am a minority as a reason to show them I am unique. But- if that is what they really want to see, I will try that out. Also, the perspective as an Admissions officer helped.

Thanks for the recommendation. Ya'll are some very intelligent individuals.
 
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