Uniforms at funerals/memorial services

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Happy2BaNavyMom

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Reaching out to the greater minds here. My DS (Youngster at USNA) will be attending the Memorial Service for his grandmother (my mother) soon. Thankfully, he only has to leave 1/2 day early due to the service being held during his spring break. His grandmother was NOT military. His grandfather is a retired Navy Captain in the Chaplain Corps Reserves. To me, my DS wearing his uniform at the Memorial Service is a sign of respect, and, certainly his surviving grandfather's "pride and joy". My DS is NOT THRILLED at the idea. Other than saying it's a sign of respect, (and, really, he has no other suits or very nice outfits) any other seeds I can plant that will push him towards wearing the uniform? Is there some written protocol? Any advice is appreciated at this time. Thanks in advance.
 
SDBs are appropriate at any funeral (military or civilian) and he could certainly wear his. Since he's on leave and it's not a military event, there's no requirement that he wear his uniform. I can understand why he might not want to (mids tend to hate wearing uniforms of any kind on leave). That said, he is in the military and wearing his uniform for an hour or two won't kill him.

At the end of the day, he's an adult and he needs to make his own decision. Perhaps letting HIM decide what to wear to his GM's service might cause him to reflect and make the decision you want. Trying to "urge" him to do it might have the opposite reaction.
 
RIP to you mother. What a blessing your son can attend.

I totally get what you are saying. I know you aren’t looking for parenting advise, but been here/done this (different situation) so I’ll chime in with what worked in our situation. Maybe tell him how much it means to your family. Especially your dad. That it’s not about him (mid), but rather showing the utmost respect to a person who was one of his biggest cheerleaders. He will never regret wearing it (probably), but he may regret NOT wearing it. Maybe just sharing how much it would mean to his family will shed new light on it for him and he will. It could also be that during this emotional time, he doesn’t want to stand out or bring attention to himself. Perhaps he wants to grieve with the least amount of attention on him. Spring break is a ways off. And he will have the uniform with him Bc that’s what they have to to leave the yard (?). So maybe time will change his mind too.

I get what you are saying! Blessings to your family!!! And sorry for your loss.
 
While on leave, only Plebes have to travel in uniform (to and from The Academy).
3/c and above can wear what they like.

With that said, you can ask him to do whatever you like, because you're still his Mom. Whether or not he does it, is entirely up to him.
I still do what my Mom says, and she's 92.
 
justdoit19 said:
It could also be that during this emotional time, he doesn’t want to stand out or bring attention to himself. Perhaps he wants to grieve with the least amount of attention on him.
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This is the first thing I thought of, and may your mother rest easy.
 
Perhaps your DS is concerned about the attention he might receive which might take away from your mother. He may also feel he isn't really in the military yet (Academy vs Fleet). Or perhaps he is just tired of wearing the uniform and wants a bit of "normalcy".

I appreciate your desire to have him in uniform but I am quite sure he will be your father's pride and joy whether in uniform or not. I am sure he will understand the hesitation your son is experiencing.

Condolences to you and your family.
 
Devil Doc said:
justdoit19 said:
It could also be that during this emotional time, he doesn’t want to stand out or bring attention to himself. Perhaps he wants to grieve with the least amount of attention on him.
Click to expand...
This is the first thing I thought of, and may your mother rest easy.
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Happy2BaNavyMom said:
Reaching out to the greater minds here. My DS (Youngster at USNA) will be attending the Memorial Service for his grandmother (my mother) soon. Thankfully, he only has to leave 1/2 day early due to the service being held during his spring break. His grandmother was NOT military. His grandfather is a retired Navy Captain in the Chaplain Corps Reserves. To me, my DS wearing his uniform at the Memorial Service is a sign of respect, and, certainly his surviving grandfather's "pride and joy". My DS is NOT THRILLED at the idea. Other than saying it's a sign of respect, (and, really, he has no other suits or very nice outfits) any other seeds I can plant that will push him towards wearing the uniform? Is there some written protocol? Any advice is appreciated at this time. Thanks in advance.
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one more perspective for what it’s worth. It’s your family and whatever choice you/your son ultimately make is the correct one.

I’ve been in a similar situations of choosing attire for a funeral (more times than I would have liked) and have played it both ways. From my experience, the Blues mesh very nicely with what is typically darker attire worn by the majority of the attendees and they don’t stand out or look showey at all. In addition, I found that a military presence can bring an additional sense of calm and dignity to the proceedings, especially for older attendees from generations closer to WWII. Over time I came to my own personal position that the uniform wasn’t about how I felt about/in a particular situation, or even how others felt about me in that particular situation. It was simply my duty to wear it in honor of those in the brotherhood/sisterhood that came before me as well as those that would come after.
 
Your son is an adult now serving in the Armed Forces. It is usually appropriate attire for adult men to wear a dark suit or at least coat and tie to memorial services and funerals as a mark of respect for the person, the family and the solemnity of the occasion. Service Dress Blue is the Navy year-round dress uniform equivalent to daytime business dress. He can choose to wear civilian or uniform attire, since it is not a military event.

It’s his choice, and respect that, but ask if he will share his reasons. If it’s “just don’t wanna,” ask him to be his best self as a gift to the family. If it’s, “I don’t want to be fussed over when we should be thinking about Grams,” then that’s different.

My sincerest condolences on your loss. Tell good stories when you are all gathered.
 
His Grandfather will probably never forget if your DS wears his uniform to the service, and he will always be proud. We attend services to pay respects to those who were ahead of us, and I believe to those of us who are still here, your Grandfather included.
When my dad passed, our DS came home from the Academy and he wore his SDB's to the service. My mom was very proud; so proud she asked him to say a few words to everyone while at the service. Dad was an Army vet (Korea), but he was always proud of DS being in the Navy, and to serve his country. Mom still talks about it. You might suggest this to your DS.
 
As a person who has been on the other side of this (I was the 38y/o son not wanting to wear uniform to a grandparents funeral) I can say that many of the commenters here are spot on.

I ended up wearing it because my father asked me to, but it wasn’t without bringing a change of clothes to change almost immediately. The funeral was in a non military area and I knew I would be the only one in uniform. Instead of being able to just lay low I instead had all sorts of people who I had no clue who they were coming up and talking just because I was in uniform. It was somewhat painful bc I’m not a big extrovert.

Reality is that I will wear it whenever my parents ask, but I’m not going to offer. It brings attention toward me unless there are going to be many military present. The more senior I’ve become the more distracting it has been as the “accoutrements” increased.

My recommendation is to simply provide a “why” as to your request and let him make the decision.

Although unlikely you don’t want to set up a potential future situation where your child decides to not come home on a break or for an important event because “they will make me wear the uniform.”
 
Our DS is also a Youngster at USNA. We were in a similar situation in December with an unexpected funeral the day after Christmas. My wife's 35 yr old cousin had complications during unexpected heart surgery and passed away days before Christmas. Our entire family was devastated, and DS did not want to wear his SDBs - especially since he was going to be a pallbearer. He didn't want to bring attention to himself. But like Stork103 mentioned above, it's not about what your DS thinks or whatever others may think of him in that situation. It's about respecting the men and women who have worn the uniform, past, present, and future. The uniform is not showy - it's a part of their identity now. It was very respectful, and he was glad he wore it.
 
Flash forward. He texted me and asked if he had his "suit" available at home. It was a bad day for me. I explained that his cousin (by marriage) would be wearing his uniform (Army, I know...but yet, a uniform). Suddenly it was better because he wasn't the only one. It did seem to be that the resistance was about drawing attention to him, away from his "Nana", but not being the only one, was key. I talked a lot about respect for the people who wore the uniform before him (and for his Papa) who would be over the moon to introduce him to others. Thank you to all your words of wisdom and "pearls" you provided. Now, if only the Lord gives me power to express my love and feelings without losing it at the service.
 
Happy2BaNavyMom said:
... express my love and feelings without losing it at the service.
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Brings back memories of my father's funeral (as tears well up in my eyes right now). He had a 21 gun salute and a live bugler playing taps. The bugler could barely make it through (he cracked multiple times) and he had tears streaming down his face when he was done. Most definitely ok to lose it at the service. I just hope it's ok to still lose it at work 25 years later :(.
 
ProudDad2022 said:
Happy2BaNavyMom said:
... express my love and feelings without losing it at the service.
Click to expand...

Brings back memories of my father's funeral (as tears well up in my eyes right now). He had a 21 gun salute and a live bugler playing taps. The bugler could barely make it through (he cracked multiple times) and he had tears streaming down his face when he was done. Most definitely ok to lose it at the service. I just hope it's ok to still lose it at work 25 years later :(.
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I will be going thru the same emotions this weekend as my 91 year old father- in law -who was a Korean War vet just passed (3 days after turning 91) and will have military honors this weekend at his service. He left quite a legacy of serving our country not only for himself but passed it on with six sons who served in every branch of the military plus two sons in law as well. Now, he has a grandson who was just commissioned in the Army plus my DS who is at West Point also preparing to carry the torch.

Both Grandsons made it to a Veteran's Day church service a few months ago (in uniform) with my father in law who told them he could now die a happy man. For those who wonder about the meaning of wearing the uniform proudly never under estimate that significance for many.
 
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