Unsupportive Parents

K

kiwicrumble

New Member
Joined
Dec 26, 2024
Messages
6
As I-Day draws nearer and nearer, I have begun to struggle more and more with dealing with my parents. Though I truly believe they are wonderful people and have instilled within me great discipline and drive, neither believe the service academies as a whole are a good idea. When my interest in the academies was first piqued five years ago, they discouraged me gently and advised me to look into preparatory academies for medical school (they are both doctors). However, I have remained staunch in my desire to serve.

Recently, disagreements have increased in frequency, volume, and volatility. I was told three days ago that if I received an appointment and accepted I would no longer be welcome in their house. I am heartbroken. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
 
@kiwicrumble I'm going to answer fast for now along two lines. One, please do search the forum (helpful forumites might help you here) because this comes up from time to time and our military and life veterans have great advice and counsel.

Second: my parents were shocked and alarmed and very much against me going to a SA. I applied to USNA and USCGA and got in both. You can dig through my story elsewhere if you want, but it came down to my dad having the expectation that I'd go to State U an hour away and be available to help with my mom's care because she has a neurodegenerative disease, but me having the expectation of getting out of a small town, finding my people, exploring the world, and stretching myself. My dad and I had some arguments that scared me. I talked to a family friend, who knows me and my dad (we are both strong blunt forthright people who also have big hearts that can be hurt). Family friend helped me see dad's expectations and perspective - not *agree* to those things, just *see* them. Then I could have a conversation with him where I acknowledged his expectations, and his broken heart about my mom, and that I knew I was really disappointing him, but that I felt pulled, propelled toward USNA and a life of exploration (self and world) and that I wasn't going to get that where I was. When I left home for I-day, I wasn't sure I would be welcomed back. I traveled alone. My dad didn't pick up my phone call on I-day morning and my heart was a little broken. But we have repaired our relationship and I think it's even better. IDK what it will take for you and your parents. They are going through some actual grief that their kid isn't following *their* expectations and it could take some time for them. But I also think we owe it to ourselves and to the people we love the most to have those hard honest conversations that acknowledge the other person's fear and grief, and that plant our intentions firmly. I have learned to be more gentle with my dad and to give him time to have his reactions. (I even know what those look like now, haha!). Think about a family friend you could talk to, for advice and counsel on how to have an actual conversation with your parents. If your family has a spiritual counselor could you ask that person? Could you maybe see whether your parents would go to a session or two with a counselor or mediator? Throwing things out there for now. Sorry I have to run, I'll check in later. But you are not alone! And I would bet my monthly stipend that it *will* get better -- might take a while, might be scary or weird for a while.

OK forum folks, take it from here...
 
That’s a very hurtful thing to be told. Not knowing anything about your family, I suspect that they are merely reacting overemotionally because they are stressed by your decision. Some parents do have that sort of reaction to a son/daughter join the military. I promise you aren’t the only one.

I bet you’ll get some great responses from some of the parents on this forum. As a (somewhat) recent grad, my perspective is that as an adult (which you now are, albeit a young one) you get to chart your own course in life. Sometimes your parents won’t agree with your choices, and that is okay.

Whenever faced with a difficult choice, I have found that as long as I follow my heart and my gut, then I can live with myself regardless of the outcome.
 
No one here has the answer, but I have a few things for you to keep in mind while you navigate this difficult path.
- thread lightly
-mom and dad will always be your mom and dad don't burn the bridge but respectfully stand your ground if this is truly what you want
-gather facts and evidence and gently show and explain to them your why
-be the adult here even though the roles will seem reversed
-actively listen to their concerns but be prepared to present your side (think of it like you are dealing with someone in crisis)
-you have your dream to follow, and it may not align with what they thought your dream would be. Keep in mind it is your future not theirs.
-time ............. time fixes a lot but not everything
-be respectful, don't lose your cool. Firm, Fair and Consistent conversations

There is a lot more to keep in mind, but I think you will see my theme.
 
I am so sorry to hear this.

I know you love your parents, but it is also possible to dislike what they are doing most heartily, threatening you with the loss of family connections and support if you fail to comply. Separate the two in your heart and mind. They love you and are parenting you the way they think best. You don’t have to like their actions or their thinking. Love them for being your parents, and then make your own choices. And always, always, leave the door open to reconciliation and resolve never to put one brick in the wall separating you. Take the high road every time. If you have to be the green-up, you do it. Try not to say things in anger you will always regret.

There have been many candidates, cadets and midshipmen whose families have been less than supportive or downright hostile. You will not be alone.

If this is what you want, then go for it. Be your best adult in this situation. Calm, reasonable, determined, as well as respectful and a willing helper in family duties. Steely, full of grit and commitment to your path.

If they are open to it, ask them for their specific concerns, questions, objections. If you don’t know the answer, respond neutrally that you will research it and get back to them. Come here to us, and someone here will point you to the primary source and info that you need. They probably have some incurrent stereotypes about service academes and the military.

For example, let’s say you did want to be a doctor. There are options out of USNA to do that - highly competitive, of course - including attending the top-ranked medical schools in the country if you get in, serving as a Navy doctor, and then free to go into practice. Or you can serve as a warfare officer for your required service time, plus an additional 36 months, separate from service, and you can earn a generous veterans’ educational benefit for any advanced degree you choose.

Let me just say one thing up front. When you come to USNA on I-Day, and if they choose not to come, you will find your new family immediately. The military is one of the strongest, most caring families you will ever encounter, active duty, Reserve, Guard, veterans. I will bet you someone (probably several) will reach out to you by DM [you need 2 more posts to send/receive] here on SAF to offer their family on the night before I-Day or on Plebe Parents Weekend. You will have the opportunity to request a local sponsor family to rescue you when you have free time. You can have another family member or a friend and their family come see you on Plebe Parents Weekend; it is not restricted to parents.

Monetarily, you can make it work. You will get everything issued to you. You’ll get some money every month. You’ll get your meals. You will have understanding friends, your new family. You will have instant employment and a livable salary on graduation and commissioning.

If your parents follow through, prepare to grieve for that breakage, but never lose hope that rift will heal. Do fabulous things at USNA. Excel. Grow into your potential and kick butt in every direction. Be proud of yourself and hope your parents come around eventually.

Hang out with us here.
 
So much what @Capt MJ wrote about being "adopted"! I met other incoming plebes in the 2 days before Iday, and I was kinda surprised how many came to IDay alone and/or whose parents couldn't make it to PPW mostly for financial reasons. I went with a classmate to Thanksgiving leave my plebe year. If you want this, @kiwicrumble, it *will* work out. People here on the forums and at USNA, we have each other's backs. That really means something, it's not just something people say.
 
PlebeNoMore27 said:
So much what @Capt MJ wrote about being "adopted"! I met other incoming plebes in the 2 days before Iday, and I was kinda surprised how many came to IDay alone and/or whose parents couldn't make it to PPW mostly for financial reasons. I went with a classmate to Thanksgiving leave my plebe year. If you want this, @kiwicrumble, it *will* work out. People here on the forums and at USNA, we have each other's backs. That really means something, it's not just something people say.
Click to expand...
Great contribution from you about spiritual counselor, trusted family friend, counseling, etc.

And - I have found the two biggest things in emotional family (and love life) disagreements are complete mismatches of assumptions and expectations.
 
Capt MJ said:
I am so sorry to hear this.

I know you love your parents, but it is also possible to dislike what they are doing most heartily, threatening you with the loss of family connections and support if you fail to comply. Separate the two in your heart and mind. They love you and are parenting you the way they think best. You don’t have to like their actions or their thinking. Love them for being your parents, and then make your own choices. And always, always, leave the door open to reconciliation and resolve never to put one brick in the wall separating you. Take the high road every time. If you have to be the green-up, you do it. Try not to say things in anger you will always regret.

There have been many candidates, cadets and midshipmen whose families have been less than supportive or downright hostile. You will not be alone.

If this is what you want, then go for it. Be your best adult in this situation. Calm, reasonable, determined, as well as respectful and a willing helper in family duties. Steely, full of grit and commitment to your path.

If they are open to it, ask them for their specific concerns, questions, objections. If you don’t know the answer, respond neutrally that you will research it and get back to them. Come here to us, and someone here will point you to the primary source and info that you need. They probably have some incurrent stereotypes about service academes and the military.

For example, let’s say you did want to be a doctor. There are options out of USNA to do that - highly competitive, of course - including attending the top-ranked medical schools in the country if you get in, serving as a Navy doctor, and then free to go into practice. Or you can serve as a warfare officer for your required service time, plus an additional 36 months, separate from service, and you can earn a generous veterans’ educational benefit for any advanced degree you choose.

Let me just say one thing up front. When you come to USNA on I-Day, and if they choose not to come, you will find your new family immediately. The military is one of the strongest, most caring families you will ever encounter, active duty, Reserve, Guard, veterans. I will bet you someone (probably several) will reach out to you by DM [you need 2 more posts to send/receive] here on SAF to offer their family on the night before I-Day or on Plebe Parents Weekend. You will have the opportunity to request a local sponsor family to rescue you when you have free time. You can have another family member or a friend and their family come see you on Plebe Parents Weekend; it is not restricted to parents.

Monetarily, you can make it work. You will get everything issued to you. You’ll get some money every month. You’ll get your meals. You will have understanding friends, your new family. You will have instant employment and a livable salary on graduation and commissioning.

If your parents follow through, prepare to grieve for that breakage, but never lose hope that rift will heal. Do fabulous things at USNA. Excel. Grow into your potential and kick butt in every direction. Be proud of yourself and hope your parents come around eventually.

Hang out with us here.
Click to expand...
As always, BEAUTIFULLY SAID!!! Many thanks from all of us. And you absolutely know we're ALL with you, and ALL are pulling for kiwicrumble!
 
Last edited:
Mom hat here:

It’s hard, from a parenting perspective, when we *think* our kids are making a mistake. Obviously your parents feel that way (I do not, BTW). It’s kind of shocking to receive the ‘you are not welcome here’ response, as I cannot even fathom saying that.

BUT….you will find that this next phase of your life is a journey of finding ‘new’ family. Not in the sense that you don’t have the old family, but in the sense that you are broadening your fam circle. Whether that be an amazing military fam, or church fam, or wife fam, it’s a movement from your home fam to your own fam.

I commend you for still perusing your dream. Fam pressure can be intense. BUT THIS IS A NECESSARY STEP TOWARDS ADULTHOOD no matter what. I suspect, that with positive steps forward, in thoughtful pursuit of an intelligent (vs emotional) decision, your parents will come to respect your decision.

No matter what, it’s your decision. Do NOT peruse something your parents wish for you. That will lead to your own unhappiness. Pursue what you are passionate about.

Invite your parents to Iday. Plebe parents weekend. Continue to invite them to parades, games, parents weekend, etc. Hopefully they participate. I suspect there is no way that a parent observes USNA, and doesn’t come away proud.

BTW, have they visited the Yard? Idk if they could but that may help with their perceptions.

Don’t worry about being scooped up into the USNA/NavyMarine family. You will never not have family. You are also not the only one to go through this. I have my own adopted plebe.

Hang in there. Amazing days and opportunities are ahead. You have set yourself up on an amazing path. I call the #PinchMe moments: when you recognize the unbelievable things you’re doing.

Adding this: your parents have been in charge of you for your whole life, to this point. Turning 18, removes that legally. Leaving for college, removes that emotionally. It may be hard let go. Harder for some than others. At the very least, it’s DIFFERENT. It could be things weighing heavily on their hearts, especially if you are the oldest. Leave the door open. Know that your parents may be reacting emotionally to loosing control, or whatever. Also know that today, will look different than 5 yrs from now ♥️♥️
 
Last edited:
Dad hat here

This is just a season. Might take a bit, but at some point, your parents WILL respect your decision - and they will be proud. And they will have friends that brag on you (that is a whole other thread).

Pursue your *why * You will need that for USNA and/or medical school. Trying to do either for someone else's * why * most likely will not carry the day. Write yourself a letter and have a friend mail it to you during plebe summer.

Chaplains are your friend - especially during plebe summer. Every year they *facilitate* parent/plebe relations in some form or fashion.

You have shipmates already. And if you ever doubt that - as others have said - send a note here.

Find everybody's grandmother at the Mid store (she is awesome). Attend a tailgate. Tag along to a sponsor visit till you get your own.

You are respected and growing up fast! You are making huge decisions, apparently with a thoughtful and deliberate approach - great qualities for an aspiring candidate and future officer.

BZ to you for pursuing your dreams and aspirations.
 
Apparently your parents think that the best way of life is their way of life, and it is. For them. I often counsel to youth that a person's best friends are their mom and dad, and I stand by that, and that is why I can tell you that they will always be there for you. They are upset because they want the best for you according to their life experiences.
That being said, there is an instruction given to everyone vying to attend these academies and that is to 'Make sure you are doing this because it is what YOU want to do, and not do it because your parents want it for you'; and despite warning I think there are still kids that do it because they thing that is what the parents or family want or expect. I don't think that this is a concern in your case.
As Old Enlisted Marine said, no one here has the answer, and I whole heartedly agree. In short it is your life, you have to live it, stumble through it, and to do things on your own accord. As long as you are happy and what you are doing isn't illegal, immoral or unsafe to another person, I say go for it, and the rewards for chasing your dream will be yours on your terms. That's what I did.
Good luck to you, and may you find fulfillment in your life no matter where you end up.
 
Give me their number so I straighten them out. No wait...not a good idea.

I've been dealing with parents in youth sports and now teaching and coaching high school for a long time. Most are good parents who want the best for their kids and support their dreams. I hate reading these posts. I write on here occasionally about my students' high powered parents. That doesn't mean of course they are perfect parents or even good parents for that matter. Some provide all of life's needs and comforts but aren't present. It sounds like the OP's parents were good providers but now threaten to disown them. Not cool.

I have no rational recommendations at this time. I can't comprehend the position you are in well enough to have a clear minded thought.
 
I think there might be a mix of two things going on:

1. Both your parents are successful doctors, so they see the medical field as the path to success in your adult life. Plus, your parents may feel like you are defying them by intending to deviate from the expected path they have laid out for your life. Medicine also worked out for them, so it is the "safe option" in a sense. Medicine is a known commodity that usually yields a high degree of success. Other ventures in life might seem scary since it is unknown to them and there is a chance of falling on your face proverbially.

2. Your parents might be like most Americans in that their exposure to the military is through cliches and the movies. SA families, especially SAF family members, do a pretty decent job of knowing how the military works, or at least how USNA and their DS'/DD's chosen path work. However, for as how pro-military the USA is, Americans don't know their military. They might view the military as a career for people who are financially disadvantaged, in bad circumstances, who don't know what they want for a career, etc. However, the military provides a lot of training and opportunities. Sure people have their reasons for joining, but the oath we all take is the same regardless of why we signed up.
 
My long story - initial USNA application got dinged due to a medical record screw up at DODMERB. By the time they figured things out in admissions in late April, I was told sorry, you're out of luck for Class of '84, Vaya Con Dios. So my Plan B was a four year Army ROTC scholarship at Johns Hopkins. My mother was thrilled as she had a HS friend who was a professor there.

Mid-June rolls around and I get a call from USNA admissions - "We feel terrible about what happened, if you really want to come here, we will make a slot available to you at NAPS and you can get in with the next class." I gave it some thought and I hit the bid.

My mother was apoplectic about my choice. All kinds of harsh words were spoken. Things were rough between us for a while, but time and perspective are great healers. As others have said, leave doors open and take the high road. It will get better.
 
Sorry to see the new year start on a discouraging note. With all the experienced counsel and encouragement given earlier, I hope that this rift is short lived. Now and in all your future choices that may not align with your parents’ expectations. Your family will always be your family. Good, bad, or indifferent. I leave you with this from Mother Teresa to lighten your emotional load.
mother teresa.jpg
 
I've posted this before, but look around this site for a bunch of old similar discussions. (I included some below.) Many parents have reservations about the military life that range from you getting blown up to being sexually assaulted to being too far from home or becoming a killer or simply not following the plan that seemed so clear (in their minds) the entire time you were growing up. Sometimes it's nothing more than learning a little about the modern military and other times there are serious philosophical discussions to be had. You're going to have to do some work.

Take time to really consider what you know about your parents, how they see you, what they've always dreamed of for you, what scares them and what they think you're getting into. Take some more time to really examine yourself to be sure that what concerns them is something you're prepared to handle. If you've always dreamed of this then ask yourself if they know that. Ask yourself why they want you to go to medical school rather than an academy. Maybe there's an easy compromise to be found in NROTC.

Spend some time in their shoes, spend some time working out some alternative paths to your dreams and then sit down and have a frank and loving conversation where they can voice their dreams and you can voice yours and you can both piece together something that works for everyone. Maybe it involves learning more about the academy or the Navy. Maybe it'll be a problem that doesn't fully work itself out. But know that a lot of others have walked this path before you, and take just a little more time (I keep saying this for a reason) to look over the threads below. There are more around here if you just search for things like "unsupportive".

Last point: Capt MJ alluded to it above, but if you commit to USNA and a career then know that a family will appear around you to support you and help your on your journey, you will have a place to go for holidays, someone to listen, and the Navy will provide everything else you need. You can make this jump without them and hope they catch up over time. We've had several of my DD's friends here in the summers and she's been to other families' homes over other breaks, and the Sponsor program is amazing. You will make friends and resources like the chaplains are all over the place to assist you when things get hard. Follow your heart knowing that no matter what you're leaving at home you will have support where you're going. (But don't burn any bridges, you only get one set of parents and they're doing the best they can. Assume good intent and never give up on them. Best of luck, we're all pulling for you.)

D

Thread 'Whip-sawed Parent'

I am really struggling with how to be supportive of our DS as he figures out which path to choose: USNA or public university w/ or w/o NROTC.

Some days I think attending USNA is the most amazing opportunity for him;
other days I think this is the worst idea ever. Sometimes I feel like this is a calling, like the priesthood or medicine, and that type of desire to be of service can be hard to understand unless you feel it yourself. Other times I think this is a training program and a job and stop being so dramatic already.

I suspect part of my problem is we are not a military family and...
  • Like
T

Thread 'Reflections'

I have been a long-time lurker and have found theses forums to be invaluable since my child began the application process. I'm only posting now because of how our situation has ended.

From the beginning, I was taken by surprise that my child even wanted to go to the Academy. It just didn't seem like a "good fit", and several times last fall I wanted to start a thread to see if I was the only parent out there who felt like this was all-wrong for my child. It seemed like my child was more motivated for the wrong reasons rather than truly wanting a military college experience that would lead...
  • Like
M

Thread 'Unsupportive Parents and Worried Self'

So I have been interested in USMA for a while now, but my parents are not supportive. I know that many other people have this issue too, but I have been reading a lot of books about the academic and physical aspect - I feel that I can handle the physical aspect with training, but from what I've heard the academic standpoint is miserable, busy, stressful, and just really terrible. I really haven't heard any good things about it. My parents don't believe I have what it takes to go in any capacity, but now I'm starting to worry that I won't be able to make it 4 years - and if I get a...
T

Thread 'Does Anyone Else Have Concerned Parents'

My mom is not very supportive of me going to any service academy or even an ROTC at a civilian college. She has major concerns about my desire to pursue a military career, but being a pilot (a little ambitious, I know) is what I always have wanted. She always tries to sway me to go to a State university or private college. I don't what to say about it, but it sometimes angers me that she is against my desires and stands in my way.
 
Problem 1 is getting an offer of appointment.

Problem 2 is deciding if you will accept.

Problem 3 is your parent's reaction if you do accept.

You only get to Problem 3 if both 1 and 2 allow.

I get the impression that if you get the offer you very much want to accept. For now we'll assume you get to Problem 3.

I'm a dad, and while I wanted to attend USNA as a teen I never even applied let alone attended. Long story I won't get into here as its not applicable. Anyway, I don't really understand your parent's stance on a SA. My kids know that the only non-acceptable option (among the plethora of legal and moral career paths) is doing nothing. Since they were 8-10 they've known that at high school graduation they have 3 options. College (or trade school), go out and get a job and supportthemselves, or enlist. And I honestly don't care which they pick. So long as they get off my payroll, and are happy with their choices in the long run, it's all I can hope for.

If you were my neice/nephew, my advice would be to talk to your parents calmly and find out why they're so opposed to a SA. Just listen, don't argue. Many parents are against their kid joining the military, and the reasons are all over the map. But, until you know the "why" there's little you can do to change their mind.

They want you to become a doctor. Do YOU want to be a doctor? If not, why? Getting them to understand that may make them more amenable to a SA. If you do want to be a doctor, explain the paths to achieving that via the USNA.

For other reasons, until you tell us more it will be impossible to give good advice on how to handle their objections.

Good luck with getting the appointment and convincing your parents that accepting it is a wise choice. If you are not able to convince them of that, be prepared for a very rocky relationship with them for quite a long time if you go ahead with becoming a midshipman. But as others have said, don't add your own bricks to the wall they put up, and always welcome any move towards removing any they installed. And remember you will have a very large support group at the academy and here if you need it.
 
On our visit to KP, DD, DW, and I spent much of the morning listening to the standard spiels from administrators. DW turned to me and whispered, "I'm not going to say anything but I can't get into this." Afterwards, DD went off with a plebe to classes while we walked around the campus. A baseball player was running towards us and 5 steps in front slowed to a walk (just like the book says) "Good afternoon, Maam. Good afternoon, sir. Two steps past us he began running again (just like the book says.) DW turned to me with her jaw open down to the sidewalk. "Wow!" Mind changed. As for the OP, you do not want to look back 15 years from now, no matter how materially successful you may be, and think "Damn, I really wanted to go to Navy." The parents, I'd be much less kind than DevilDoc. This is cruel. I suspect they are more worried about what the country club set would think than their child's dreams. Unfortunately, he may have to grow up a little sooner than previously planned.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top