Your kid and what they should do.....

J

Jeepman

5-Year Member
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My 21 year old DS is in his second year at USCGA, and is doing extremely well and loving it. He had his sights set on an SA or a strong NROTC school since his sophomore year in HS. I am very happy for him. He is where he is meant to be.

My 18 year old DS, a HS senior, has outstanding credentials (even better than his older brother), and has all of his applications in and is poised to make some decisions. As I survey his schedule and reflect on who he is, I am having second thoughts on his preparation for going to an SA. He has been to the summer sessions, and gets plenty of feedback from his brother, so he is not traveling blindly. The issue I have is his HS career has been at warp speed, and while he has the accomplishments and the grades, I cannot help to wonder if he should take a true gap year to catch his breath via a local 4-year school and do some of the things he says he has an interest in (being a chef, working on muscle cars, fishing, taking a leadership at the homeless shelter he worked at in HS--all while taking 12 college hours and getting his ACT score in the 34-36 range, which he is capable of). I have started this dialogue with him, and while he was a little shocked at first, he actually thanked me at the end of our conversation and I could see him exhale.

I share this because with the holiday season perhaps we should, as parents, take a step back from our own competitiveness and projections and have an honest conversation with our aspiring officers. Let's face it, if they go to an SA the next 9 years are going to be owned by someone other than them. When I look at my 18 year old senior, I see so much potential. He is very self driven and competitive, and I have faith that if he took a gap year he would make it noteworthy for all schools to notice when he reapplies next year. Of course, I would be there to gently guide him when need be.

I wanted to share this as a parent who has been through the SA process. One thing I can say is that when your kid sets his sights on getting into an SA early enough and is serious about it the credentials they build are mind blowing, and in my case both of my boys built good credentials (my older son got the NROTC and offers from Michigan, UVA, UNC, Georgetown, Vanderbilt, Cornell, and Notre Dame but chose the USCGA). So, even if they back off their short term focus for a year, they have learned so much along the way and have not only knowledge but some wisdom they can pull from as they consider what it is they truly want.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all.
 
This is really important. The stress on kids starts earlier and earlier, and unless you consciously build a gap in every once in a while they're going to grow up without a complete childhood. A friend has a daughter in a 3+3 program where she completes her BS in three years and is pre-admitted to roll straight into medical school. She was looking for a job for this summer and he stomped that flat, concerned that this was literally the last chance she was going to have in the next several decades to take an extended break.

When I was young it wasn't even possible to work as hard as these kids do, as there were far fewer honors/AP courses, almost no internships for high school kids, no emphasis on things like Boys or Girls State, and the few places with service hour requirements were well under 10 or 20 hours. And that's before the always-on connectivity that never lets them take a breath away from their fellow students, and all test scores, grades, awards, discipline, success and failures happen in the public eye. That is far more corrosive than anything else we faced Back In The Day.
 
I agree that many parents put too much pressure on their kids, and some teens definitely put too much pressure on themselves. But I strongly disagree with this new trend toward taking a so-called "gap year." Instead, we need to teach our kids how to prioritize their tasks so they have time to relax and pursue hobbies without completely dropping their pursuit of excellence. These are the skills that will help them to survive and thrive in a service academy or at a civilian college. These are skills that successful people both in and out of the military possess and practice on a daily basis. I currently work as a college professor for a civilian university on a military base, teaching service members, dependants, and civilians. Most of my students postponed higher education after high school, and I have yet to find (after over 20 years of teaching) a single one who does not regret that decision.
 
Thanks everyone for sharing thoughts around this very important topic. I agree with everything that has been said. As parents we only want what is best for our children and it is very easy to fall into the trap of pushing them too hard to achieve their best or back off because we are too concerned about their mental and physical health. My DS has applied to two of the SAs and while he has the profile to do well at either one I sometimes find myself secretly wishing for him not to be accepted to either one for next year. He has worked extremely hard the past 3.5 years doing many more things than I never had to do to make himself competitive and I wonder if a year at a regular civilian college might not be a bad idea. He has already been accepted to Texas A&M on an AFROTC scholarship and plans to go there if not accepted to a SA.
 
kpmom2013 said:
I agree that many parents put too much pressure on their kids, and some teens definitely put too much pressure on themselves. But I strongly disagree with this new trend toward taking a so-called "gap year." Instead, we need to teach our kids how to prioritize their tasks so they have time to relax and pursue hobbies without completely dropping their pursuit of excellence. These are the skills that will help them to survive and thrive in a service academy or at a civilian college. These are skills that successful people both in and out of the military possess and practice on a daily basis. I currently work as a college professor for a civilian university on a military base, teaching service members, dependants, and civilians. Most of my students postponed higher education after high school, and I have yet to find (after over 20 years of teaching) a single one who does not regret that decision.
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Thank you for sharing. Two things: one must identify what their own "pursuit for excellence" means, and secondly, would you agree that a one-year gap can have its benefits? I am curious as to how long your students who postponed waited to go back to school--how long? One year? Several years?
 
I agree that I think there is too much pressure on kids to push through straight to college and often some time off can give perspective on life. Contrary to KPMom I have dealt with many Cadets and Midshipmen who had a “gap years” of some sort. I have not met one who regretted it.
Many have never had jobs as they are over burdened with activities. I’ve seen some of the 3+3 doctors and many are socially challenged. On the other hand, some of the best and happiest doctors I have met are those who took “gap time” before medical school. Former Armor officers, pilots, SEALS. DW is typical. She didn’t go to medical school until her 30’s.
My DD was the typical teen story. She was late applying to USMA and went with her backup. After a semester of successful D1 athletics (started many games as a freshman) and academics she came home and informed us she was walking away from it, dropping out and enlisting. We were crushed, but supported her.
That was what she needed. A refreshing year and a half to take a step back and gain perspective on life. She is now at USMA and doing well.
I don’t encourage that route for everyone, but some need it. Or something similar. A year of digging ditches. Working on a boat. Something. Time to gain perspective on life.
I have a fantastic job. But often I am struck by pilots who are miserable. Inevitably it comes down to not having perspective. They are usually people who have not had miserable jobs so they have no clue how good they have it.
 
In Israel things work different because of the draft. Everyone, mostly everyone does goes into the army at 18 and when they finish 2/4 years later, many of them take some time off and go abroad. Many go to India, some go to the US and or wherever. Its only after they have accomplish this do they go to college. Now there are those who dont do military so their timeline is different but this is true for a good chunk of the country. My point being that by the time they get to college, they are more mature individuals who have done some growing and have had some time to decompress. Believe me when I say that I dont think the answer is for our 18 years to go to the military. However, these arent 17/18 years going to college, they are 23/24 years go who to college and these are 23/24 who have experienced some life.
 
I agree that what is expected of our kids (those who are looking at elite colleges/SAs) is absolutely nuts. And I completely understand the thinking behind what you are proposing. That was actually one of the reasons I chose to homeschool my 4 kids. I wanted them to have time to do things besides academics. This worked well for them.

My only quarrel with your idea of a gap year for someone who is seriously looking to pursue a military career is that there is a possibility of getting hurt so that you are medically disqualified. I know, no one thinks it will happen to them/their kid, but the reality is that it can and does happen and if it did happen, then the dream of a military career would be over before it even began. Of course, injuries can happen at any SA, but I think it would be a hard pill to swallow to have never had the chance to attend due to an injury.
 
bookreader said:
I agree that what is expected of our kids (those who are looking at elite colleges/SAs) is absolutely nuts. And I completely understand the thinking behind what you are proposing. That was actually one of the reasons I chose to homeschool my 4 kids. I wanted them to have time to do things besides academics. This worked well for them.

My only quarrel with your idea of a gap year for someone who is seriously looking to pursue a military career is that there is a possibility of getting hurt so that you are medically disqualified. I know, no one thinks it will happen to them/their kid, but the reality is that it can and does happen and if it did happen, then the dream of a military career would be over before it even began. Of course, injuries can happen at any SA, but I think it would be a hard pill to swallow to have never had the chance to attend due to an injury.
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Very good point. But couldn't that happen while at an SA as well?
 
@Jeepman - yes, of course it can happen while at a SA and I addressed this in my last sentence.

I will point out another detail - my youngest is at WP. During his summer training (beast summer - so his first summer there) he was injured and needed surgery at the hospital on post. The injury was severe enough that it was also at the point of being career-ending. He was injured severely enough that he could not complete the summer training and so he was sent home to complete this physical therapy, heal up and then see about returning. Had this injury happened before he got to WP, our insurance would have kicked in. We are self employed and so purchase our medical insurance via the government marketplace. My son got far better care at WP than he would have gotten at home under our insurance plan. (And we have access to good doctors and hospitals.) This accident could have happened anywhere but I will forever be grateful that it happened after he got to WP because he received excellent care.
 
bookreader said:
@Jeepman - yes, of course it can happen while at a SA and I addressed this in my last sentence.

I will point out another detail - my youngest is at WP. During his summer training (beast summer - so his first summer there) he was injured and needed surgery at the hospital on post. The injury was severe enough that it was also at the point of being career-ending. He was injured severely enough that he could not complete the summer training and so he was sent home to complete this physical therapy, heal up and then see about returning. Had this injury happened before he got to WP, our insurance would have kicked in. We are self employed and so purchase our medical insurance via the government marketplace. My son got far better care at WP than he would have gotten at home under our insurance plan. (And we have access to good doctors and hospitals.) This accident could have happened anywhere but I will forever be grateful that it happened after he got to WP because he received excellent care.
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My apologies for missing that last part of your original post. I suppose like any other major decision it requires careful planning and consideration of the overall risk/reward. Like my dad used to say (RIP, Pops), "it is not the quantity of your life that matters, but the quality of it". In the end, perhaps the "Man in the Arena" sums it up best:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. --Roosevelt
 
bookreader said:
My only quarrel with your idea of a gap year for someone who is seriously looking to pursue a military career is that there is a possibility of getting hurt so that you are medically disqualified. I know, no one thinks it will happen to them/their kid, but the reality is that it can and does happen and if it did happen, then the dream of a military career would be over before it even began. Of course, injuries can happen at any SA, but I think it would be a hard pill to swallow to have never had the chance to attend due to an injury.
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Here's a different perspective on this. My own DS was one of those sports injured just a couple of weeks before I-Day and turned away. Crushing at the time it happened, it turned out to be the very best thing that ever happened to him!
He healed and spent a year at a first rate university and got involved in all of it; sports, fraternity, social life, etc. April of that second semester begged the question
"Do you still want to go?"....."Yep, so glad I got a chance to experience this and I'm better now because of it and better prepared and much better focused"

To say he made the best of it at USNA is an understatement (ironically enough he had to have a major surgery after a semester abroad his Youngster year unrelated to that initial injury but it never slowed him down).

Yes, there are those injuries which will disqualify going forward but that's the nature of life and you can't plan it around what might or might not happen.
 
@Sydney C. Glad it all worked out for your son.

My goal was to point out that it can happen - something that most teens/young adults think will *never* happen to them.
 
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