Can you please review/critique my NROTC essay?

Discussion in 'ROTC' started by Swampertness, Jun 13, 2015.

  1. Swampertness

    Swampertness Member

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    Why do you want to become a Naval Officer?

    My parents always tell me to have an easy, average life. Since I was seven, those were the only words I heard whenever the topic of careers came up. Even then, the idea was not enticing. I ended up going blindly in my life, without any idea of the correct road to take. Each career seemed too mundane, to unfulfilling. I admit that my desire to join the navy stemmed from my passion for aviation. They say that one performs best when doing something he or she loves. The advanced technology of the military has always fascinated me. I hope that by becoming a Naval Officer I will be able to take my passion and put it into something useful, or something that could benefit the Navy in any way possible.
    It is not only the passion for aviation that prompted my mind to the Navy; it is the idea of the challenges and teamwork. When I first thought of joining the navy, in all honesty, the first thing that came to mind was that I was overweight and I had no chance of making the physical requirements since I could not perform one correct push up. I then joined cross country, and had never run more than a mile without stopping before I joined, but ended up running three miles that day. It felt like torture, and it felt like a victory. It was gratifying to be able to take on the challenge of physical fitness, and love the feeling of success afterwards. My experience in Robotics had truly demonstrated the concept of teamwork. I was not mentally prepared for the long hours needed to work on a robot that would participate in competitions against forty other schools. My belief was that the team only needed two hours a day during the two month build season. It ended up being seven hours a day, and maybe forty hours a week, where I led a group of freshmen in building. Both experiences were challenging both mentally and physically, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I want to pursue a career that could offer the same aspects.
    The physical and mental challenges along with the requirement to gain leadership skills are aspects of the career I definitely want to achieve and enjoy. Furthermore, I hope that I would be able to take what I am passionate about and use it to serve the Navy in any way possible. It would be an honor to serve as a Naval Officer for a life-long career.
     
  2. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    I would take this to your English teacher.

    No offense, but there are a lot of grammatical errors.
     
  3. Swampertness

    Swampertness Member

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    Thank you. I'll be sure to fix the errors. However, I don't think my English teacher would know much about what the Navy is looking for, so I turned to this site for advice.
     
  4. Midwest

    Midwest Member

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    Hello Swampertness,

    Liked your essay, but I also think your English or Comm Arts teacher is still a good choice for editing your paper.

    Why? So like my dd likes to say like about 20 times when she's talking... like you know what I mean? She is going to have really have to work on likes if she interviews. Her uncle is always teasing her about likes.

    So, repetition in a composition can also be a problem. I, It & My are your favorite words in your essay, especially for sentence starters. However, it gets a little boring to read the same three words. (And I did count them).

    Perhaps inserting an additional paragraph or two might also help to create some breathing room or "white space." Your essay needs transitions.

    I'm not sure if you are limited to a word count, but it sure would be nice to know how your Robotics team placed and what project you created. And how many pounds did you loose? Details like this make your essay memorable.

    I grew up speaking Hawaiian Pigeon English, so writing and speaking are not strong skills for me, but I do love to read. Your essay is a short story, make it interesting. I hope you like my post! ;)

    Aloha
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2015
  5. Swampertness

    Swampertness Member

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    Thank you so much. I never thought about adding those things.
     
  6. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    It is not about what they know about the Navy, it is your grammatical errors that they are looking for within the essay.
     

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