Critique my nomination essay?

Discussion in 'Nominations' started by 120333, May 26, 2011.

  1. 120333

    120333 Member

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    Why do you want to attend one of the Military Service Academies?

    I love my small Hoosier town. I love the people and the place; I even love the fact that the county fair is front page news. As much as my town means to me, my dreams and ambitions will never be achieved while being encompassed by cornfields and construction. I do not want to attend a college that will be content with me settling for mediocrity. I want a place that will challenge and push me to reach my full potential. I hope to find that in the service academies.
    Life is short and opportunities like those provided at the academies are rare. They are opportunities worth fighting for. At an academy, I will improve my leadership skills and become someone with the tools to change the world for the better. While I am learning these skills, I will also be pursuing a degree in my chosen major. The qualified professors and challenging coursework will give me knowledge I would not have gained anywhere else. Attending an academy will also allow me to make a name for myself and enable me to see the world. Those are opportunities you do not simply let pass you by.
    This dream is not only for me. Even though I want the honor and prestige that goes with being a military officer, there is a greater cause that drives me forward. My family, friends, and teachers have all given me so much time and support. I can never pay them back for all they have given me. They mean the world to me. I am willing to put myself in danger if it means they are safe. When I am asked if I am willing to make such a commitment, I think about the people in my life, and the risk is worth it every time. In America, people are given the tools and opportunities to seize their dreams and make them reality. I want it to stay that way for myself, the people in my life, and even those that I have never met before. This should be a universal right for all people. I am devoted to my country, the people in it, and the greater cause. I have been told many times that it will be difficult, but that only make me want to rise to the occasion.
    I am ready for all the challenges that academy and military life has to offer. I will overcome all of the obstacles before me for the people I love, my country, and all I can and will be.
     
  2. 120333

    120333 Member

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    anyone?
     
  3. Dad

    Dad Member

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    It looks okay to me, but I'm a math teacher. Perhaps you could have your English teacher look it over. If school is already out, you have plenty of time to review it with your senior English teacher next year. Good job in starting early. Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint.

    Best Wishes.
     
  4. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    I look at essays from a traditional sense.

    Your opening sentence/paragraph should reiterate the question posed.

    The person who will be reading your essay had to go through 1/2 of it before you discussed why the SAs over a traditional university.

    I have to say, JMPO, strike one; opening sentence. Remember opening sentence and paragraph is to illustrate what will be in the essay. Your opening sentence said you were from a small Hoosier town. Am I incorrect to believe that every applicant is from a Hoosier town? No offense, but what does that have to do with why you want to attend an SA? The question was not about where you come from, it was why an SA.

    In it's current form, it appears as SELF before Service. The military mantra is SERVICE before Self. It does not illustrate you grasp their ideology. Strike two.

    Also understand you are asking an MOC that represents your district and state to support you.

    Read this from their perspective.

    GEE, doesn't it read like you are slamming your own state?

    You literally just said to them that this state is mediocre at best and has nothing to offer, including state colleges, but PLEASE give me a nom, because it is the only way I can see getting out of here. Strike 3.

    I am 1000% positive you did not mean or feel that way. I am saying how someone reading it could view it that way. That statement bounced off your post to me. I am not from your state, but I would not take it in a positive light if I was sitting on a board.

    Cadets represent their state, dogging it is not the way to go.

    JMPO, but you asked, and I gave you my response. It may appear unduly harsh, but it is my opinion.

    Honest answer, take it to your AP ENG teacher for review. Take it to your ALO/BGO/MALO. They will give you more assistance than anyone else here.
     
  5. OhioSoccerMom

    OhioSoccerMom Member

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    I hate to say it, but Pima is dead on right! Yes, I'm just a "Soccer mom". And no, I do not have any military experience. But I'm a soccer mom with a Communication Arts degree! :smile:

    It might be bettter received if you said something like 'I love my sleepy little town, and the way you can smell the corn in the fall as it's being harvested, and I love that our fair makes the front page news. I love that people here stand up for each other and will work with you in support of your dreams. My dream is to study at a service academy and serve my country to protect this place and these people and this way of life that means so much to me.'

    See how the prespective changes? Now it's not 'oh, great, here's another kid that can't wait to leave the cornfield'. It's 'Oh! here's someone who understands where they're from, AND they want to WORK protect it!'

    BTW...I'm from a sleepy little town in Ohio, and I know EXACTLY what you're talking about! I left my sleepy little town for awhile, too, but I came back to raise my family. Why? Becuase that's the kind of place i wanted my hopeful USMA candidate to grow up! These towns are worth protecting!! :smile:

    You don't mention how long you've wanted to serve, or what sacrifices you've made for yourself to allow you to be in a position to be ready to serve. You say you've been told many times that it will be difficult... If you're a serious candidate, haven't you already begun to do the difficult things? Taking that run when you'd rather sleep in? Studying for that test when you could be out with friends?

    There are nuggets of good things in your essay. Take those back to the drawing board, and try again. If writing's not your strong suit, then as Pima suggested, work with the English teacher at your school. Choose one that demands nothing short of excellence. Even though he/she may be the most difficult! Because if you want this, you'll do the difficult thing, to be the best you can be. Sometimes it takes several tries before you finally say exactly what you want to say, in exactly the manner you wish to say it. Frustrating maybe. But worth it if it gets you the Nom! Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2011
  6. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    I need to reiterate again, you have yet to say which SA. DS's ALO (AF) spent weeks upon weeks with every candidate regarding their essays. It was edit, re-edit and re-edit again. (DS got all 3 MOC noms) I would never submit an essay for a nom without getting the ALO/BGO/MALO's clear to go.

    We can critique, but they are the ones that have true input.

    Nom boards traditionally do not close until mid-Oct. You have a ton of time, use it wisely!

    OBTW, understand, a nom is only one part of the equation. You get the apptmt by winning it. You win it by your WCS. That includes, PAR, ECs, CFA, and recs.

    If you pay attention to writing an essay for the MOC, but boff the CFA because you were busy with the essay, you are going to hurt yourself.

    It is the WHOLE picture.
     
  7. Mongo

    Mongo Banned

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    As a BGO, I would never be a part of an essay submitted to either USNA or the MOC. The essay should be a reflection of the individual, not the BGO/ALO/MALO.

    Actually, I would look on it negatively if I were asked to critique an essay prior to submittal.
     
  8. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    Mongo, as a BGO, that is your personal choice. However, it would be poor judgment to assume every ALO/MALO/BGO takes the same position as you do, because as I illustrated, our DS's ALO was involved. DS did not approach him about it, he was instructed by the ALO to meet him and to bring his essay with him.

    At this time, ALO's have not been informed yet who will be on their list. It was my intention to show through personal experience that some ALO's will want to be involved, and it is best to wait to find out from your own ALO/BGO/MALO what their personal preference is regarding essays. The poster has more than enough time to find out the opinion of their liaison regarding the level of involvement for the essay. If you read what I stated, I only said IMPO, check with them first to see if you are clear to go. In other words, ask if they require you to allow them the ability of reviewing the essay, or if they are like you, where they say submit whenever you feel it is ready. I did not mean to infer that a candidate should expect every ALO/BGO/MALO will want to review it, but out of respect to them, the candidate IMPO should consult with the liaison before they submit, and allow them to make the choice of how they personally work with candidates. Not me, not you, not even the candidate, the candidate's liaison should get that voice.
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2011
  9. Idzak

    Idzak Member

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