Joke for the Day

Zaphod said:
When I heard this, I almost busted a gut laughing.

It's not a joke, either. It's in the news today.

Some guy in Russia tried to rape a RACOON. The poor animal, being rightly incensed at such treatment......

....... bit the guy's you-know-what off! :yllol:

Now there's a case of Poetic Justice and a Darwin Award being delivered simultaneously from the most surprising source! :thumb:

Oh, man..... I'm still wiping tears away over this one.... :biggrin:
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Haha :yllol::yllol::yllol: thats hilarious. I heard another funny story about animals on the radio yesterday. Nigerian Police arrested a goat. Members of the town called in the police and reported that he was a man who stole a car and in order to avoid capture used black magic to turn into a goat.

Just imagine the trail :yllol: :yllol:
 
teh internet

internet-cartoon-6a1.jpg
 
Holy crap! I put the picture on my desktop about 1.5 weeks ago to post on here when a conversation got out of hand. lmao. Looks like I'm not the only xkcd fan on here!

Of course, the actual comic says "someone" and not "A woman," but its funny either way. :) :wink:
 
More from the Navy Chiefs Rule joke library ...

A Navy Chief and an Air Force General were getting a shave in a barbershop.

As the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces, the General shouted, "Hey, don't put that crap on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" Whereupon the Chief turns to his barber and says, "Go ahead and put it on me, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

:yllol:
 
A Joint Perspective

S***: As Seen Through the Eyes of the Military
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is s***."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good s***."
A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, "This is really great s***."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this s***."
An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of s*** is this?"
 
Capt MJ said:
S***: As Seen Through the Eyes of the Military
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is s***."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good s***."
A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, "This is really great s***."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this s***."
An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of s*** is this?"
Click to expand...


How does the Marine know he swam 12 miles? His shoes and socks must have been off....there's no other way that's possible.
 
LineInTheSand said:
How does the Marine know he swam 12 miles? His shoes and socks must have been off....there's no other way that's possible.
Click to expand...

Because 1/2 way there the Coasties said, we better turn back, we've never gone out this far before!!!

:shake::shake::shake:
 
Capt MJ said:
S***: As Seen Through the Eyes of the Military
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is s***."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good s***."
A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, "This is really great s***."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this s***."
An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of s*** is this?"
Click to expand...


Capt MJ,

I love this one..... I have a Chair Force Vet Employee, who is going to hear this one Monday morning.
 
jbrown said:
Because 1/2 way there the Coasties said, we better turn back, we've never gone out this far before!!!

:shake::shake::shake:
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Oh ok, so some one was there to count it out for him. That's good....to swim and have to think all at once....that's a tall order for a Marine. At least he didn't have to chew gun too. :wink:
 
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a
bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two
points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with abonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when
asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie
to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the
measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.
 
I can't wait to share that with my photographer husband! What a hoot!! :shake::yllol::shake:
 
An engineer, a doctor, and a lawyer are golfing one day, and the people ahead of them are going very slow. So, they ask the course manager what the deal with this group was.
"Them? They are a group of firefighters who saved the clubhouse from burning down a few years back. Unfortunately, they all tragically lost their vision in the fire. So, I let them golf here for free," the manager replied.
The doctor said, "Perhaps I could help them. I know a very good vision specialist."
The lawyer said, "I'd like to help too. I can get them money for pain and suffering. We could milk the insurance company."
The engineer asked, "Why can't they play at night?"
 
My Living Will

Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."



They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
 
This AF fighter pilot walks in the door after a long TDY and is expecting a hug from his wife. Instead he sees her standing in the foyer with several bags packed up and ready to go. Confused, the pilot asks her, "What the he**'s going on here?"

She says, "I've had it...the long TDYs, the drinking, and your adolescent behavior. And now I'm outa here and I'm moving to Las Vegas where I can make $1000 a night having sex."

At first our intrepid aviator was shocked and stunned, but after about two minutes, he began to grin like a bird-fed cat. He then unloaded his dirty laundry and began packing some clean clothes.

Now the confused wife asked, "What the he** do you think you're doing?"

The fighter pilot replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas with you because I want to see how you're going to live there on $2000 a year."
 
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old girl. Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.
 
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