Long but Funny part2

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by cga82, Aug 29, 2015.

  1. cga82

    cga82 Banned

    Jan 26, 2007
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    Module 3: Work and Watch Standing

    3.1 Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. If you miss a week or fudge complete disassembly, hold a trial and restrict yourself to the house for a month.
    3.2 On six month intervals disassemble, inspect and reassemble your car engine using only a 12" Crescent wrench and screwdriver.

    3. Require your family to qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (example: Qualified Dishwasher Operator, Qualified Blender Technician, Qualified Toaster Operator, etc.). Hold weekly one hour classes after working hours on enlightening topics such as "Breathing 101" and "Literary Nuances of the UCMJ."

    3.4 Walk around your car for four hours, check the tire pressure, oil level, and fuel level every 15 minutes and keep an accurate log (record book) of the readings.

    3.5 Don your Sunday best and go stand on your front porch for four hours. [CWO4 Al Canfield]

    3.6 Periodically run your life on an "8 on 8 off" routine. Work 8 hours at your normal day job. Take care of your personal matters during the next 8 hours. On the next 8 hours off, have an 18 wheeler from a grocer distributor pull up in front of your house. Gather all your neighbors, form a human chain from the truck down to your basement (be sure to route it through the backyard to avoid "officer's country"). Pass all of the contents of the truck hand-to-hand down to the basement. Turn your cap around and go on your normal work shift. Repeat the process the next 8 off shift, but this time unload a truckload of high explosives. [David W. Den Beste]

    3.7 Remove the contents of a walk-in closet and replace with three desks. At the nearest Salvation Army Thrift Store salvage the oldest computer that you can find (make sure that that at least two vowel keys stick) and set it on one of the desks. Take three of your "closest" friends into the closet and shut the door. Give everyone a five page article to type and a 15 minute deadline. As one is typing, have the other two talk, tell jokes, and hit each other. As you type the last page, have someone unplug the computer (do not save the document). Attempt to retype the document with people yelling, "Hurry up." Repeat five times a day. [Chief Kleinsmith]

    3.8 With the help of your two six-year old nephews and a 1976 manual, replace the starter in your 1987 car, working only from the top. Have your father-in-law remind you every 3 minutes that you have 15 minutes to finish because the car is needed for the next mission (trip). [Paul Basso]

    3.9 Stand by the phone on the mid-watch (12 A.M. to 4 A.M.) with a log book, fire bell, and intrusion alarm panel within reach. Mount a gauge on the wall to read your house's water pressure. Have your youngest child walk around with a tape measure to see if your house is flooding. He/she must check each room every hour and report back to you that all conditions are normal. With each report, phone a neighbor and tell him all conditions are normal at your house and report the water pressure. Have your child wake up your spouse (watch relief) a half hour prior to the end of your watch so he/she is sure to be 15 minutes late relieving you. This ensures that you will get two solid hours of sleep before you face another day. [DCC (SW/AW) Curtis]

    3.10 Walk outside your house, preferably in dismal weather, and direct traffic on the street for 8 hours. If a break in traffic flow permits you a short rest, go in the house but don't get into your bed - lie down in the hallway (Flight Ops). [Michael White]

    3.11 Install humidifiers throughout your house. Fill humidifiers with a half and half mixture of water and 90 weight gear oil. Remove the muffler from your lawn mower and bring it into the house. Run humidifiers and lawn mower constantly. (Engine Room Simulation) [Chief Reyes]

    3.12 Disconnect your TV cable box and stare at static for six hours. Report every 15 minutes to no one in particular, "Sonar holds no contacts." Do not fall asleep. The following 6 hours disassemble your TV and rebuild using VCR operating instructions. Touch a live circuit thereby shocking yourself. Report back on watch and receive extra military instruction (EMI - a mild form of "instructive" punishment] to hold safety training on the topic, "Why it is dangerous to be electrocuted." [J. Yates]

    3.13 Go to a local bridge, stare at the water for twelve straight hours. [Capt. C. Abernathy, USMC, Ret.]

    3.14 At an amusement park, fill your stomach with coffee and ride a roller coaster non-stop. (Coast Guard Patrol Boat Simulation).

    3.15 Pick a six month period when your work and home life are at their busiest, get your neighbor to phone you at 2330 (11:30pm), dress in the dark, and hang a brick on string around your neck and stare at the backyard from your patio. Identify the whereabouts of all bats, crickets, moths and stray dogs by sound and sight, keep a written record of everything you see, and choke down at least one cup of four-day old coffee (preferably black) every thirty minutes. Anytime a critter enters the yard, call your wife on the cell phone to apprise her of its movements. On snowy or foggy nights be sure to blow an air horn at regular intervals to warn the neighbors of your whereabouts. (Midwatch Simulation). [CDR Tom Koehl]

    3.16 Sit in front of your kitchen stove for six hours. Look at nothing but the stove. Maintain a log (record book) of the position of all the knobs. Have your kid randomly report to the kitchen "conditions normal" in the house. Have him randomly ask permission to turn on various appliances in the house. Grant him permission to start half of them, and have him immediately report the condition of the each appliance. [EM2(SS) Sommer]

    3.17 Wash and wax all the cars on your block once a week in the rain to simulate washing aircraft. Have a 10 year old neighbor kid QA (Quality check) the work and tell you all the places you missed. [Naval Air rules]

    3.18 Have your father in-law (Squadron Maintenance Officer) set 20 unachievable goals on Monday morning with the promise that if they are achieved there will be liberty for whole family on Sunday. Have the entire family work 18 hour days for the entire week while your father in-law goes golfing. Achieve all the goals. Upon his return Saturday night have him announce one of the following on a rotating basis, Due to operational commitments: (1)The duty section (1/3 of family) will have to work Sunday, or (2) Liberty is canceled. Do this for couple of years and then reward your father in-law with a promotion and a medal for superior operational readiness. (Mark Trail)

    3.19 Purchase a beat up 30 year old car (aircraft). Keep the following schedule to the letter and with accurate records of everything. Have three highly qualified people inspect the car before driving (preflight), then have 16 year old who just got his license and knows nothing about cars inspect it again. Have him drive car as if it were a rented Corvette with full coverage insurance (flight ops). When he returns have him tell you everything his one month of vast experience tells him is wrong, using vague phrases. Have three people inspect it (Post flight/Daily inspection) and the next morning even though the car has not moved have three people re-inspect it and repeat twice a day. Every third day replace the alternator before driving. Every 7, 14, 28 and 56 days, take one section apart and reassemble and every 128 days take entire car apart and reassemble. (Mark Trail, A-6 Plane Captain, VA Squadron)

    3.20 When talking to your wife drop every third word in your sentence (POTS - ship to shore telephone). [Lt CSF]

    Module 4: Quality of Life

    4.1 Invite 200 to 1000 of your 'not so closest' friends to come over. Board up all the windows and doors to your house for six months. After 6 months take down the boards. But, since you're on duty, wave at your family through the front window of your home. You and one third of the 'friends' can't leave until the next day.

    4.2 Shower, eat, and sleep with the above mentioned friends never more than an arm's length away. Instruct 10% of the 'friends' NOT to shower on a regular basis and an additional 10% NOT to change clothes more than once a month.

    4.3 Cook all your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can reach. Fry everything and serve cold. Note: You must not gain weight on this diet while locked in the house for six months or you will be singled out for the 'fat person' program.

    4.4 Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month. Instruct them to trash every fifth item and to send every other week's mail randomly to Japan or Italy.

    4.5 Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

    4.6 Have your 5 year old cousin give you a hair cut with dull hedge clippers.

    4.7 Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

    4.8 Work at McDonalds for four years flipping burgers day and night. Do NOT get promoted, but stay motivated.

    4.9 Needle gun (compressed air powered impact device for paint chipping) the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

    4.10 Instruct your doctor to only dispense "aspirin" (APC - all purpose capsule) to you no matter what the ailment or complaint. "Chest pains, take two of these." "Foot fungus, take one."

    4.11 Gather all the neighborhood dirty laundry and mix the clothing in a pile. Rip off every other button, pour bleach directly on the pile, stuff the washing machine to maximum capacity, DO NOT separate by colors. Partially dry items and redistribute the "clean" items in a random fashion among the neighbors.

    4.12 On the hottest most humid day of the year, close all the doors and windows in your house, remove all fans for preventive maintenance and disassemble the air conditioner. On the coldest day of the year disable your heating system for maintenance. All family members must wear sweaters, heavy coats and gloves indoors to keep ice from forming on body parts. If going outdoors for any occasion everyone must appear uniform. If one person doesn't have a coat and gloves, all must go without. [PO Petras]

    4.13 Stand in line for an hour to buy a candy bar and soda, only to find out the ship's store is out of sodas and the candy bars are liquid from the heat. [Paul Basso]

    4.14 Cut the ends out of two juice cans, place them over your ears to distort the sound while watching your TV. [Paul Basso]

    4.15 Do your laundry using only the rinse cycle with paint thinner for detergent. Dry for 10 minutes and randomly redistribute. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]

    4.16 Serve "Stuffed Cabbage Rolls" for dinner and the next evening strip off the cabbage leaves and serve the same thing calling it "Beef Porcupines." [Michael White]

    4.17 Leave a 55 gallon drum of fish and crab parts under your bedroom window for three weeks. Have the kids needle gun (compressed air powered impact device for paint chipping) your exterior bedroom wall from 6 am to 6 pm. (Simulate Drydock) [FC2 Pickett]

    4.18 Every two weeks have your fifth grade son cut your hair. Teach him to say, "It's a new style. I'm practicing until it comes out right." [Paul Basso]

    4.19 Have total strangers decide what 10 movies you can watch for the next month and show only these movies. [EMC Morales]

    4.20 The day before the quarterly Physical Readiness Test (PRT) get Yellow Fever and Typhoid shots. Hold a safety stand down immediately following PRT on the importance of hygiene, physical conditioning, and proper diet and nutrition. After the safety stand down, hold a picnic featuring hot dogs and hamburgers (rollers and sliders) plus lots of greasy fries. [Melanye Francisco]

    4.21 Paint all NTD (non water tight doors) bright blue and yellow and tell your family these colors promote "productivity." [BM3 USCG]
    4.22 When baking a cake prop up one side of the pan in order to have one side 3 inches high and the other 1 inch high. Level it with lard frosting.

    4.23 When watching TV, turn the cable off every 3 to 5 minutes saying that the satellite signal is lost. [Lt. CSF]

    Module 5: Leave and Liberty

    5.1 Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the worst part of town, find the most run down trashy bar, pay $10 per beer, and then walk home in the freezing cold.

    5.2 Submit a special request chit (form) to your father-in-law, requesting permission to leave your house before 1500 (3 pm). You must submit the request chit two days in advance. Instruct your father-in-law to hide for added realism. When you find him listen to a lecture on "work ethics and responsibility."

    5.3 Submit a special request chit (form) to your older brother requesting half a day off to conduct personal business. Listen to his standard response, "Give me an original excuse, and I may consider it."

    5.4 Spend a week in the filthiest sea port red light district of Europe, and call it "world travel."

    5.5 Enter an exotic foreign port and be told that only officers will have permission to leave the ship.

    5.6 Instruct the the neighborhood kids to crowd around you, patting your pockets down, looking for change. Have them make a lot of noise that you don't understand. Take a handful of pennies from your pocket and toss them in the street. Run like mad when the kids jump for the coins. [Paul Brasso]

    5.7 At least once a month make coffee from salty sewer water. Pretend the coffee is good until everyone has had a surprise taste. (Simulates a boot messcook filling the coffee pot from sea water tap in the head). [Ike]

    5.8 Send $200 every month to a "honey" thousands of miles away that you met on liberty in a foreign port. Send for one year then change to an another one as your first love got married to one of the ten sailors supporting her. [AZC D.Velasquez USNR (Ret)]

    5.9 On liberty in a white shirt and white pants (Dress Whites) eat out with friends at a local Italian restaurant without wearing pasta and tomato sauce home. [Steve Donovan]

    5.10 Go to a seedy Laundromat for social hour, meet exciting new friends and discuss how your Clorox 2 beats Tide or Bold detergent. (Simulates doing your laundry versus letting the ships laundry mangle it). [Steve Donovan]

    5.11 Announce to the family that a great weekend vacation (port call) is lined up, and everyone is to have fun. The vacation site is famous for nightlife, however everyone under 18 years old and non petty officers have to be back in the hotel room by 2200 (10 p.m.) [EW3 Derek Ten Eyck]

    Module 6: Leadership

    Section A: Chief Petty Officers [A tip of the old flat hat to Senior Chief Faulconer]

    6.1 After 20 or so years of following these guidelines, have your wife's 22 year old brother come over, take charge and spend the next two years telling you what you are doing wrong. Then have your 21 year old son's best friend do the same thing for the following two years.

    6.2 Have your father-in-law require you to write a 300 page work package prior to authorizing you to take the lawnmower apart. Make sure that he changes all of your adjectives to synonyms and require you to re-write the entire package at least three times before he authorizes the work. The end result package should look exactly like the first one you submitted. {**web bos'n note: This is the "Great Circle Law." Avoid heartburn, save copies of documents as the first submission will most likely match the approved submission after numerous rewrites by the chain of command. Hence, the great circle.}

    6.3 After you get permission to start work, have the most mechanically inclined member of your house assigned to wash dishes, the next most gifted assigned to sweep out the bedrooms, etc. until the most mechanically inept member of your household takes the lawnmower apart while you observe. He should put it back together incorrectly several times.

    6.4 Report to your father-in-law that the work is complete, and explain everything that you did and why. Write a 300 page incident report regarding each incorrect assembly. Use the same approval process as the work package.

    6.5 Draft a training program and force everyone in the house to attend the lawnmower procedure training. Even if they did not and never will touch the lawnmower. Explain to each member how important the training is. Write a final exam that the Briggs and Stratton engineers would fail, and re-train everyone that doesn't get 75 percent correct.

    6.6 Hold a ceremony to promote and congratulate the kid that screwed up the lawnmower, your wife's 24 year old brother, and anyone else who had nothing to do with fixing it. Give yourself a poor evaluation in leadership. {**web bos'n note: See also Marine Corps Wisdom - Six Phases of a Military Operation }

    6.7 When it's over make up stories to tell young folks that make it sound fun.

    Section B: Petty Officers

    6.8 When you reach age 35 invite a green college kid over to your house, salute him, call him sir, put him in charge of everything that he doesn't know anything about. Laugh at him behind his back. [PO Petras]

    6.9 Work 15-20 years as a machinist, make a 23-year-old English major the boss to tell you how things should be done.
  2. Capt MJ

    Capt MJ Member

    Sep 27, 2008
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    I am teary-eyed from laughing so hard, as is my husband. So-o-o accurate. Hard to pick a favorite.

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