Nomination Essay

[Amora]

I am currently in the process of getting my nomination essays together and wish to get some opinions before I hand it off to my english teacher next week for review. The essay I am presenting right now is addressed to Senator Boxer and is 196 words altogether. I can use no more than 250 words. I have replaced my actual name in the essay with that of my current alias. Any critiques and suggestions are welcomed.

Here is the essay:

Dear Senator Boxer,

I am Amora and I am writing this essay in the hopes of seeking your nomination for the United States Naval Academy. I have known since I was young that I wanted to join the military, specifically the navy, and thus I have done my best to seek and take hold of opportunities that will help me improve academically, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have never settled for mediocrity on my part and strive to do my best at everything that is put in front of me.

I have had the wonderful opportunity to experience different cultures, get involved in the communities, and meet fantastic people as the child of a military officer and I wish to continue to have these experiences. Beyond serving my country and securing a job for the next five years when I graduate, I believe that USNA will present opportunities for me to grow in ways I can not imagine. Not only as a person but as a leader.

In conclusion, I would love the chance to represent California in the class of 2021 and hope that you will allow me the opportunity to do so.

Sincerely,

Amora

 

[usnabgo08]

First, the requirement for the essay is:

3. A short essay of 150-200 words explaining why you are seeking a nomination and want to be commissioned.

It isn't 250 words. Please make sure you read this year's instructions carefully if you relied on previous years -- you don't wan to miss any changes.

Second, the requirement is an essay, not a letter.
Since you do not have many words to waste, I would get to the point of answering both parts of the prompt relatively quickly. They want to know (1) WHY you want a nomination and (2) WHY you want to be an officer.

For example (please do not use these specific sentences), this might partially answer the first question, "I seek a U.S. Naval Academy (USNA) nomination because of reasons X [X relating to challenges], Y, and Z. I have always confronted and embraced challenges and USNA will continue to challenge me in a structured and rigorous academic, physical, and mental environment. These experiences will make me a stronger and more effective leader."

Notice, I try to make the sentences quick and to the point. Concise sentences are easier for readers to digest and especially true when you are constrained by a word count. You will pick this skill up over time and experience.

 

[Amora]

My bad on the word count. Not sure why I thought I had 250 words to play with.

Thank you for the feedback and catching my mistake.

 

[seacadetmum]

Be careful with run on sentences. I'm sure your English teacher will help you in that respect. For example:

"I have known since I was young that I wanted to join the military, specifically the navy, and thus I have done my best to seek and take hold of opportunities that will help me improve academically, physically, mentally, and emotionally."

I would edit this to: "I have known since a young age that I wanted to be a member of the United States Navy. In that regard, I have done my best to seek and take hold of opportunities that will help me to improve academically, physically, mentally, and emotionally."

 

[KP2020Dad]

My advice to you is the same I gave my DS when he was writing his essay...what do you have to offer? You mentioned the following themes in your essay: "you want to be in the military," "you want continued experiences, you securing a job "for the next five year," and "opportunities for you to grow." It's great to know what you want but what can you give back? There will be thousands of young adults asking for a nomination (and probably saying the same things). You need to set yourself apart. Best of luck to you.