NROTC essay tips?

Discussion in 'ROTC' started by Swampertness, May 28, 2015.

  1. Swampertness

    Swampertness Member

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    Please critique my nrotc essay. I'm still working on it and I understand that it is not the best.

    My parents always tell me to get an average job. Since I was seven, those were the only words I heard whenever the topic of careers came up. Even then, the idea was not enticing. I ended up going blindly in my life, without any idea of the correct road to take. Each career seemed too mundane, too unfulfilling. I admit that my desire to join the navy stemmed from my passion for aviation. They say that one performs best when doing something he or she loves. The advanced technology of the military has always fascinated me. I hope that by becoming a Naval Officer I will be able to take my passion and put it into something useful, or something that could benefit the Navy in any way possible.

    It is not only the passion for aviation that prompted my mind to the Navy; it is the idea of the challenges and teamwork. When I first thought of joining the navy, in all honesty, the first thing that came to mind was that I was overweight and I had no chance of making the physical requirements since I couldn’t perform one correct push up. I then joined cross country, and had never run more than a mile without stopping before I joined, but ended up running three miles that day. It felt like torture, and it felt like a victory. It was gratifying to be able to take on the challenge of physical fitness, and love the feeling of success afterwards. My experience in Robotics had truly demonstrated the concept of teamwork. I was not mentally prepared for the long hours needed to work on a robot that would participate in competitions against forty other schools. My belief was that the team only needed two hours a day during the two month build season. It ended up being seven hours a day, and maybe forty hours a week, where I led a group of freshmen in building. Both experiences were challenging both mentally and physically, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I want to pursue a career that could offer the same aspects.

    The physical and mental challenges along with the requirement to gain leadership skills are aspects of the career I definitely want to achieve and enjoy. Furthermore, I hope that I would be able to take what I am passionate about and use it to serve the Navy in any way possible. It would be an honor to serve as a Naval Officer for a life-long career.
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2015
  2. Midwest

    Midwest Member

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    Good start Swampertness. But, have you ever wondered where the person reading your essay will be sitting? ;)
     
  3. Swampertness

    Swampertness Member

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    Where?
     
  4. Swampertness

    Swampertness Member

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    Oh dang never mind I have to change a few things
     
    Midwest likes this.
  5. SASIALO

    SASIALO Member

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    Great start, but you bury the lead! The second paragraph has the really good stuff. The first paragraph really doesn't fit as well as it could with the second. The first paragraph is sort of choppy and goes off in a few different dirctions. Tighten it up and build a smooth, logical transition to the second paragraph.
    For example, you sort of float that you love aviation then don't develop the idea further. I could see you linking aviation thematically to the second paragraph by talking about the challenges overcome by aviation pioneers. I am sure some of those folk were naval aviators. Just some food for thought. Keep on keepin on!
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2015
  6. Swampertness

    Swampertness Member

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    Thanks for the feedback. I'll revise it for sure.
     

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