Parents Visiting Plebes/Mids - Adjustments & Independence

DS likes it when we come visit him - take him out, take friends out, attend one of his events. We live too far away to come at the drop of a hat. Doesn't have a sponsor who connects at all. Luckily I have a cousin who is in DC area who is happy to help out or bring him off Yard if he needs/can get a break. This youngster year so far is better than plebe in terms of communication with him. That helps a lot I think!
 
NavyHoops said:
I think there is a difference of spending time with Mom and Dad when they visit, but if that is every weekend, that is a different story. Coming to visit when asked or coordinating… ‘hey we would love to see you next month, is there a weekend that would work best?’ If Mom/Dad come every weekend, a new Plebe is losing out in building those bonds with their classmates. Those bonds are key. My room mates were engaged to grads 2 years ahead of us. Every chance they had they were on the phone with their fiancés and visiting them every weekend possible. Honestly, their bonds with our classmates were limited. You can even see it today, decades later. There is a balance to this all, it’s part of learning for both the Mid and the Parents.

And just to note I wish I could have seen my family more. As a basketball player we missed nearly every leave period. We would get 2-4 days at Christmas, that was it for the year. I was a West Coast kid, so my parents tried to come out once a year where we played 2-3 home games in a week. The few west coast trips, they always came. Summer leave was usually 2 weeks or so as we still had training, summer school, and summer camps to help with.
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I don’t disagree at all.

But mine who played sports did little bonding with the brigade. Their whole life pretty much was the team for the entire school year X 4. And he was with those team mates a whole lot. Not at all the rest of the mids.
 
DD asked us to come over labor day weekend but didn't make sense since we were there for PPW weeks prior. We told her academic year will start and we will see how she was adapting and if needed will book something a week prior. Last week she said thx for not booking anything, she had so much homework and events with her company and clubs that she wouldn't have time for us. Now she asked for us to go over Columbus day weekend, we told her the same, let us know how things are going 2 weeks prior and we can make plans. I am thinking she will say no as academic year will be getting harder.

With our DS it was different, he never asked us to go when he was at NAPS last year. We went to PW, my DH went for president's day and then we went for graduation. He said he is good if we wait until Thanksgiving as he keeps busy but it may be the boy/girl difference. He is very close to sister and having her there this year makes the difference.

I find this is their time to grow and become independent, we text and happy to get the calls when they have time, we do not call as we understand they are busy and don't expect them to reply to our texts either.
 
Small Team Bacsi said:
I don’t disagree at all.

But mine who played sports did little bonding with the brigade. Their whole life pretty much was the team for the entire school year X 4. And he was with those team mates a whole lot. Not at all the rest of the mids.
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I would say that is fairly typical. DH’s friends he has kept with with over the decades and spent his USNA liberty hours with were baseball teammate mids, Glee Club mids, 2 roomie mids - they were all mids who enjoyed spending time together. From what I have observed, the greater classmate, Brigade and OG bonds deepen and expand in later years, as paths cross in uniform, at reunions, in the private sector, etc.
 
Capt MJ said:
I would say that is fairly typical. DH’s friends he has kept with with over the decades and spent his USNA liberty hours with were baseball teammate mids, Glee Club mids, 2 roomie mids - they were all mids who enjoyed spending time together. From what I have observed, the greater classmate, Brigade and OG bonds deepen and expand in later years, as paths cross in uniform, at reunions, in the private sector, etc.
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This! After graduation, some Academy friendships will run their course, while some will stay. Some of my closest friends from USNA are people who shared similar circumstances (i.e. flight school). A majority of my roommates have been classmates I had a few conversations in passing with at best.
 
I just had this conversation with our DS (plebe) yesterday. We already have plans to go see him for the long weekend in October and are looking to go again Veteran's Day weekend in November. I asked him first if he was scheduled for duty that weekend and then I asked him if it would be stressful for us to come again so soon because he is busy and that it is totally okay for him to say so. He said he hasn't been that busy on the weekends yet and that he would like us to come. We understand that things can come up (he is a track and field athlete) in the mean time and he might not be able to spend as much time with us as we would like. We live pretty far away and just really enjoy being on the yard and going to the football and basketball games. This is all very new to us we love being a part of the whole experience with or without him haha.
 
Since some portion of schedules is known well in advance we offer in a text, "When we next speak we would like to discuss the calendar items."

When we speak we ask, "Do you want us to attend X, Y, Z..?" The responses are "yes," "no," or, "your call/not necessary." We then ask, "Will we see you before or after for a meal?" Then it's a Venn diagram, if "yes" attend and "yes" to a meal, we go. If we are unable to see him outside of the event, then it definitely is our call whether to attend. If the answers are "no" and "no," we leave him alone and wish him well in advance of the event.

These young men and women will always be our sons and daughters. We will always love them and cherish our moments with them. However, they are transitioning to adulthood and part of that transition includes giving them the right to tell us "yes" and"no" and to do so comfortably and without any expectations or guilt.

During our recent yes/yes visit DS indicated he had good news and bad news. The bad news was that he would not be home for Spring Break 2024. The good news is that USNA is providing him with an overseas opportunity that he cannot pass up. We beamed.
 
Wildcat_30 said:
I just had this conversation with our DS (plebe) yesterday. We already have plans to go see him for the long weekend in October and are looking to go again Veteran's Day weekend in November. I asked him first if he was scheduled for duty that weekend and then I asked him if it would be stressful for us to come again so soon because he is busy and that it is totally okay for him to say so. He said he hasn't been that busy on the weekends yet and that he would like us to come. We understand that things can come up (he is a track and field athlete) in the mean time and he might not be able to spend as much time with us as we would like. We live pretty far away and just really enjoy being on the yard and going to the football and basketball games. This is all very new to us we love being a part of the whole experience with or without him haha.
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A sensible, mutually respectful approach. You’ve made it okay for him to say “no” if he needs or wants to.
 
We live too far for DS to come home for Thanksgiving.

I have gone out for 3/C 9/11 football game, took DS and friends to meals, he made the reservations for their favorite places. That was my first time on the yard as a 2020 Covid Plebe summer parent, we didn't have the normal ritual events, we did spend a lot of time together that weekend, felt natural and not forced-- it was what we both needed.

I went out for 2/C weekend, did do meals together, some time at a game, normal 2/C class visits and meal in King Hall. Didn't see him as much as first weekend.

Got lucky and landed cool place to stay for a month this spring, dog sitting. DS hung out with me when it worked for him, older mid-sib flew out and we made a weekend out of her trip. They spent time one on one enjoying local cool spots where young folks hang out in DTA one evening and I stayed out of it. Great balance.

When I went out for BGO training, and actually stayed in Bancroft, I only saw him for ice cream. He was busy with summer training and I knew better than to take it personally.

He has done summer courses voluntarily twice, which eats into summer leave, spent a spring break in Hawaii, a zero block on an LREC for a once in a lifetime trip, spent Thanksgivings with his sponsors, and we see him at Christmas. Although this Christmas will likely be split between us and his GF.

I have always (likely thanks to great counsel on this forum) been candid and open with him re visits on the Yard and time at home. Acknowledging that we love to see him, and we want/need some time, but recognizing he has his own vision for what these visits look like. Extended family tend to want to see him when he is home, and he them, but he has also admitted that being spread too thing can be exhausting. Like most things in life, balance is key. As long as we are talking, and honest, and upfront, expectations are managed and the value of the visits are maximized.
 
This is an interesting thread. Lots to consider. We live in the Capital region of CA so it's at least a 6 hour flight to BWI. As we consider all the different paths there are many insights like, if DS attends the Naval Academy he will be 18 when he starts and after the Academy plus 5 he would be 26 or so by the time he has a chance to really choose to be around the family again consistently. DW is having a much harder time wrapping her head around this than we are. I am sure during that time we will be out for things like PPW, Graduation, and some home visits as well as trips back there but they will be few and far between. Maybe he would choose San Diego or Hawaii and we could see him more often, who knows. DS is a HS sophomore now so we have some time to come to terms with such a drastic shift in our life without him, should that be the outcome.
 
As a fellow "West Coaster", I can tell you that we did not attend very many things at the Academy. We went to exactly:
1. I-Day
2. PPW
3. 2/C Weekend
4. Commissioning Week.
(I had planned on Herndon but that got covid-ed)

And, his trips home consisted of winter breaks and 1 spring break and summer blocks. We also got the extended covid time (which all of us would rather put behind us)

Our son was Foundation and one of the requirements we were given by Capt. Ed Wallace (who ran the foundation program at the time) was that our son had to choose a school that was too far away to come home on the weekends. So, by the time he went to Academy, the apron strings were already broken. The separation was definitely tougher on us than it was on him.
 
We are a west coast family. We made at least 10 trips each to Annapolis and New London. The main things: IDay/RDay, Mystic, PPW, PWs, 2CPW, Commissioning and assorted athletic competitions. The Mid/Cadet never missed a Thanksgiving (however abbreviated it may have been), Christmas, spring break, and at least some portion of a free training block during the summer.

Lots of airfare in both directions, but was pennies on the dollar compared to the value gained.
 
p2030 said:
Lots to consider. We live in the Capital region of CA so it's at least a 6 hour flight to BWI. As we consider all the different paths there are many insights like, if DS attends the Naval Academy he will be 18 when he starts and after the Academy plus 5 he would be 26 or so by the time he has a chance to really choose to be around the family again consistently.
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It’s indeed a tough conundrum. As parents, we want to see DD/DS as much as possible or practical, even as we accept that we must let them spread their wings. We too live in the western half of the U.S., so visiting — in either direction — can be challenging. Things that have worked for us:

Moving our annual family vacation from summer to the holidays. It’s the one time we knew both kids would be available. Summer training schedules change regularly. But the holidays stay the same (except for a few mids/cadets such as varsity athletes).

Visiting the kids one parent at a time. Mom might go out in the fall, Dad might go out in the spring, we might go together another time. This can reduce costs while increasing visits. They still need to be carefully managed, of course, to fit the kids’ schedules.

Inviting the kids to bring a mate or two to lunch or dinner. It creates a different dynamic and can lead to more insights and stories.

Touring on our own, without the kids joining us for every activity. That puts less pressure on them to miss stuff they want to prioritize.

Now, with DD more than a year into active duty and DS still a cadet, it’s a bit harder to get everyone together. But we’re trying! ☺️
 
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