Why I want to be an officer - Essay

A

Alias444

New Member
Joined
Aug 23, 2022
Messages
4
Good afternoon, I'm currently a rising junior in high school with ambition to attend the USNA Class of 2029. I would be very grateful if you could take the time to review my essay I'm writing. I know its very early to be writing an essay - but I want to get someone's opinion on it. Its 506 words but I could easily cut it down a little.

Thank you!
--------------------------------------------------
I've wanted to become a leader of this country for as long as I can remember. My uncle SGT Abdelaziz instilled into my mind at a very young age a leader-like mindset which he passed on to my brother who is currently attending USNA. I vividly remember times when my uncle would make me run up hills as he trailed behind me in his truck, disciplining me while teaching me life lessons that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I've visited USNA multiple times and It's more than just free college and some service years in my eyes, it's the breeding grounds for my future growth as a individual and as a leader of this nation. My brother is one of my biggest role models/motivators in becoming a leader of this nation, whether it being a commissioned officer, leader of a club, or simply being a leader in my family. We both grew up in town-houses with our mother and step-dad living pay-check to pay-check, Yet we would never let those circumstances hold us and my brother pushed me and continues to push me to be a better man and lead by example to this day even with him far away from home at Annapolis. I grew up skinny, weak, and addicted to video games. All through-out elementary and middle school I was seen as the "skinny weird kid". My brother would always subtly tell me I need to change, but it wasn't until I followed his actions that I became a different man. I strongly believe with all my heart that to be a good leader, you must be a good follower - This is something my JROTC instructors would always preach to me. My brother started wrestling during his high school years and as I looked up to him greatly, I took on wrestling as well. I began practicing, and in my first wrestling match I lost in front of my brother, coaches, and friends - This broke me. I cried after the match until I manned up and realized there's no one to blame but myself - That's how it is in the sport of wrestling as well as in life. I replayed the video in my room at least 10 times, rewinding back to the exact point where I see I gave up mentally, and made a vow to myself to never give up on myself like I did on that mat ever again. And although I am not the best wrestler, I always give 100% in every aspect of my life. This led to my success in wrestling, academics, and life in general. This is but one of the great qualities I learned from my brother. My uncle being a PMI at Camp Pendleton as well as my brother attending the USNA even after all the hardships we have been through gives me an inner drive like no other to serve this country and have the ability to lead and help build the future of this wonderful nation.
--------------------------------------------------
 
all of my kids read "Hack the College Essay" it gives great advice on writing essays for college admissions. All 3 got into their #1 schools, including my youngest who is at USNA. Best advice is write an essay that no one else can write and make it memorable to someone in admissions that is reading hundreds of these.
 
Alias444 said:
Good afternoon, I'm currently a rising junior in high school with ambition to attend the USNA Class of 2029. I would be very grateful if you could take the time to review my essay I'm writing. I know its very early to be writing an essay - but I want to get someone's opinion on it. Its 506 words but I could easily cut it down a little.

Thank you!
--------------------------------------------------
I've wanted to become a leader of this country for as long as I can remember. My uncle SGT Abdelaziz instilled into my mind at a very young age a leader-like mindset which he passed on to my brother who is currently attending USNA. I vividly remember times when my uncle would make me run up hills as he trailed behind me in his truck, disciplining me while teaching me life lessons that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I've visited USNA multiple times and It's more than just free college and some service years in my eyes, it's the breeding grounds for my future growth as a individual and as a leader of this nation. My brother is one of my biggest role models/motivators in becoming a leader of this nation, whether it being a commissioned officer, leader of a club, or simply being a leader in my family. We both grew up in town-houses with our mother and step-dad living pay-check to pay-check, Yet we would never let those circumstances hold us and my brother pushed me and continues to push me to be a better man and lead by example to this day even with him far away from home at Annapolis. I grew up skinny, weak, and addicted to video games. All through-out elementary and middle school I was seen as the "skinny weird kid". My brother would always subtly tell me I need to change, but it wasn't until I followed his actions that I became a different man. I strongly believe with all my heart that to be a good leader, you must be a good follower - This is something my JROTC instructors would always preach to me. My brother started wrestling during his high school years and as I looked up to him greatly, I took on wrestling as well. I began practicing, and in my first wrestling match I lost in front of my brother, coaches, and friends - This broke me. I cried after the match until I manned up and realized there's no one to blame but myself - That's how it is in the sport of wrestling as well as in life. I replayed the video in my room at least 10 times, rewinding back to the exact point where I see I gave up mentally, and made a vow to myself to never give up on myself like I did on that mat ever again. And although I am not the best wrestler, I always give 100% in every aspect of my life. This led to my success in wrestling, academics, and life in general. This is but one of the great qualities I learned from my brother. My uncle being a PMI at Camp Pendleton as well as my brother attending the USNA even after all the hardships we have been through gives me an inner drive like no other to serve this country and have the ability to lead and help build the future of this wonderful nation.
--------------------------------------------------
Click to expand...
To have the very best product, have this proofread by your English and/or Journalism teacher.
 
I would suggest you not post your essay on a public forum. What’s done is done.

If you don’t have a teacher or mentor who can review your essay ask someone on the forum to do so via private message.

Knowing that this random person knows nothing about you. Zero.

Overall advice, tell your story. Don’t tell the admissions office things they already know or assume. That you want to attend. That is wasted space.
 
Maybe your brother and uncle could give you some input? First read impression: a lot of ‘following them’. My suggestion would be to focus more on you and your own inner drive.

You have a long time to work on it. This next year should give you some focus, depth and greater understanding of your ‘why’.

Don’t rush!! Don’t be in a hurry!

As an aside, in a training I attended with admissions, I specifically asked if siblings are looked at differently. And the response was that they are not (other than twins). So know for certain, that you will have to earn this on your own merits. And on your own slates.

Good luck to you!!
 
Alias444 said:
Good afternoon, I'm currently a rising junior in high school with ambition to attend the USNA Class of 2029. I would be very grateful if you could take the time to review my essay I'm writing. I know its very early to be writing an essay - but I want to get someone's opinion on it. Its 506 words but I could easily cut it down a little.

Thank you!
--------------------------------------------------
I've wanted to become a leader of this country for as long as I can remember. My uncle SGT Abdelaziz instilled into my mind at a very young age a leader-like mindset which he passed on to my brother who is currently attending USNA. I vividly remember times when my uncle would make me run up hills as he trailed behind me in his truck, disciplining me while teaching me life lessons that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I've visited USNA multiple times and It's more than just free college and some service years in my eyes, it's the breeding grounds for my future growth as a individual and as a leader of this nation. My brother is one of my biggest role models/motivators in becoming a leader of this nation, whether it being a commissioned officer, leader of a club, or simply being a leader in my family. We both grew up in town-houses with our mother and step-dad living pay-check to pay-check, Yet we would never let those circumstances hold us and my brother pushed me and continues to push me to be a better man and lead by example to this day even with him far away from home at Annapolis. I grew up skinny, weak, and addicted to video games. All through-out elementary and middle school I was seen as the "skinny weird kid". My brother would always subtly tell me I need to change, but it wasn't until I followed his actions that I became a different man. I strongly believe with all my heart that to be a good leader, you must be a good follower - This is something my JROTC instructors would always preach to me. My brother started wrestling during his high school years and as I looked up to him greatly, I took on wrestling as well. I began practicing, and in my first wrestling match I lost in front of my brother, coaches, and friends - This broke me. I cried after the match until I manned up and realized there's no one to blame but myself - That's how it is in the sport of wrestling as well as in life. I replayed the video in my room at least 10 times, rewinding back to the exact point where I see I gave up mentally, and made a vow to myself to never give up on myself like I did on that mat ever again. And although I am not the best wrestler, I always give 100% in every aspect of my life. This led to my success in wrestling, academics, and life in general. This is but one of the great qualities I learned from my brother. My uncle being a PMI at Camp Pendleton as well as my brother attending the USNA even after all the hardships we have been through gives me an inner drive like no other to serve this country and have the ability to lead and help build the future of this wonderful nation.
--------------------------------------------------
Click to expand...
just so you know, the application allows for 4,000 characters which is about 650-700 words

if you're taking ap language next year, i recommend you consult with your teacher about your essay. they will be able to guide you so that your essay can be succinct, specific, and straight to the point. ap language will teach you to not only exhibit these qualities, but will improve your writing skills to a degree uncomparable to your skills now

do what you will with that info and take it with a grain of salt

also, I too was writing my personal statement about a year in advance like you. I found that my first draft was pretty much garbage after a semester into ap lang. it took me multiple attempts to forge into something I thought that sounded coherent and thoughtful..
 
Last edited:
I agree... google "Hacking the College essay" and read it. It talks about writing the essay that only you could write. In otherwords, something not so generic that a dozen other people could have written it.

You say: " I vividly remember times when my uncle would make me run up hills as he trailed behind me in his truck, disciplining me while teaching me life lessons that will stick with me for the rest of my life. "
What are these lessons? How did you apply them?

My uncle and brother being in the military doesn't tell me why YOU want to be an officer. What leading have you done? I see you mentioning you need to be a good follower...true...but what have you done to lead?
 
- Definitely recommend asking for editorial critique from an English teacher for organization, punctuation, grammar, syntax, flow, etc. It comes out all in a top-of-mind-hard-to-digest chunk and darts here and there, leaving key points undeveloped (as the above poster notes, what lessons did you actually learn running up hills followed by a relative in a truck).
- Nowhere is the word “service” mentioned that I could find. At the very end, you do bring in “serve as a leader,” which we have already seen a few times. Your “why” is not consistently stated and smoothly integrated as the driving, cohesive theme that is well-supported.
- You have several strong elements of influence, reference and inspiration that could be better developed.
- Don’t overlook you need to learn to be a strong team player first.
- Always count how many times you use the word “I” and think about how necessary each one is.
- I am never fond of statements such as “I've wanted to become a leader of this country for as long as I can remember” or variations. If you are 16-17 now, and you remember back to maybe 3-4, you were thinking about being a leader of the country? This hyperbolic take crops up so often in essays, it doesn’t make you stand out. But, try. “I was 7 when I first realized my Uncle First Name, a sergeant in the Army, was a truly special man. I watched as he first taught my ?-year-old brother, USNA ‘YY, the fundamentals of leadership, service and…”. This is what is meant by telling the story only you can tell.
 
Last edited:
Capt MJ said:
- Definitely recommend asking for editorial critique from an English teacher for organization, punctuation, grammar, syntax, flow, etc. It comes out all in a top-of-mind-hard-to-digest chunk and darts here and there, leaving key points undeveloped (as the above poster notes, what lessons did you actually learn running up hills followed by a relative in a truck).
- Nowhere is the word “service” mentioned that I could find. At the very end, you do bring in “serve as a leader,” which we have already seen a few times. Your “why” is not consistently stated and smoothly integrated as the driving, cohesive theme that is well-supported.
- You have several strong elements of influence, reference and inspiration that could be better developed.
- Don’t overlook you need to learn to be a strong team player first.
- Always count how many times you use the word “I” and think about how necessary each one is.
- I am never fond of statements such as “I've wanted to become a leader of this country for as long as I can remember” or variations. If you are 16-17 now, and you remember back to maybe 3-4, you were thinking about being a leader of the country? This hyperbolic take crops up so often in essays, it doesn’t make you stand out. But, try. “I was 7 when I first realized my Uncle First Name, a sergeant in the Army, was a truly special man. I watched as he first taught my ?-year-old brother, USNA ‘YY, the fundamentals of leadership, service and…”. This is what is meant by telling the story only you can tell.
Click to expand...
Thank you for all the advice. This was a rough draft but I see I have a lot to improve on. Thank you!
 
Alias444 said:
Good afternoon, I'm currently a rising junior in high school with ambition to attend the USNA Class of 2029. I would be very grateful if you could take the time to review my essay I'm writing. I know its very early to be writing an essay - but I want to get someone's opinion on it. Its 506 words but I could easily cut it down a little.

Thank you!
--------------------------------------------------
I've wanted to become a leader of this country for as long as I can remember. My uncle SGT Abdelaziz instilled into my mind at a very young age a leader-like mindset which he passed on to my brother who is currently attending USNA. I vividly remember times when my uncle would make me run up hills as he trailed behind me in his truck, disciplining me while teaching me life lessons that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I've visited USNA multiple times and It's more than just free college and some service years in my eyes, it's the breeding grounds for my future growth as a individual and as a leader of this nation. My brother is one of my biggest role models/motivators in becoming a leader of this nation, whether it being a commissioned officer, leader of a club, or simply being a leader in my family. We both grew up in town-houses with our mother and step-dad living pay-check to pay-check, Yet we would never let those circumstances hold us and my brother pushed me and continues to push me to be a better man and lead by example to this day even with him far away from home at Annapolis. I grew up skinny, weak, and addicted to video games. All through-out elementary and middle school I was seen as the "skinny weird kid". My brother would always subtly tell me I need to change, but it wasn't until I followed his actions that I became a different man. I strongly believe with all my heart that to be a good leader, you must be a good follower - This is something my JROTC instructors would always preach to me. My brother started wrestling during his high school years and as I looked up to him greatly, I took on wrestling as well. I began practicing, and in my first wrestling match I lost in front of my brother, coaches, and friends - This broke me. I cried after the match until I manned up and realized there's no one to blame but myself - That's how it is in the sport of wrestling as well as in life. I replayed the video in my room at least 10 times, rewinding back to the exact point where I see I gave up mentally, and made a vow to myself to never give up on myself like I did on that mat ever again. And although I am not the best wrestler, I always give 100% in every aspect of my life. This led to my success in wrestling, academics, and life in general. This is but one of the great qualities I learned from my brother. My uncle being a PMI at Camp Pendleton as well as my brother attending the USNA even after all the hardships we have been through gives me an inner drive like no other to serve this country and have the ability to lead and help build the future of this wonderful nation.
--------------------------------------------------
Click to expand...
Like the others have said: 1) don't post on public forums 2) have English teacher(s) and counselor to proof read it and track the character count 3) read Hacking the College Essay 4) remember the admissions staff has read how everyone wants to serve their country and other patriotic statements, which is fine, but they want to read YOUR story - be unique, stand out, even if it comes across "corny" 5) Rewrite, rewrite, and rewrite, you have lots of time to let it percolate and refine it - by next June you should have it perfected.
 
Alchemist said:
4) remember the admissions staff has read how everyone wants to serve their country and other patriotic statements, which is fine, but they want to read YOUR story - be unique, stand out, even if it comes across "corny"
Click to expand...
^^^ THIS ^^^

If anywhere in your statement, you write something like “It’s long been my dream to become an officer” — think again. It’s trite and tired, even if true, and it’s written by too many candidates. (And really, how long have you even known or understood what an officer is or does?) You won’t grab much attention by stating that. Instead, focus on what makes your desire unique. Make sure it’s genuine, authentic, honest.

Remember that most candidates will have credentials just like yours — if not better. Use your statement to set yourself apart. If you don’t stand out, then you won’t stand out.
 
Last edited:
MidCakePa said:
^^^ THIS ^^^

If anywhere in your statement, you write something like “It’s long been my dream to become an officer” — think again. It’s trite and tired, even if true, and it’s written by too many candidates. (And really, how long have you even known or understood what an officer is or does?) You won’t grab much attention by stating that. Instead, focus on what makes your desire unique. Make sure it’s genuine, authentic, honest.

Remember that most candidates will have credentials just like yours — if not better. Use your statement to set yourself apart. If you don’t stand out, then you won’t stand out.
Click to expand...
I read somewhere where a candidate was very weak in ECAs. In his essay he explained that he lived on a farm in fly over country and after school had to return home to help his parents on the farm. His older brother had left a few years prior and was estranged from the family and his parents couldn't afford to hire help. So, they relied upon him. This prevented him from doing much ECAs. and athletics. The moral of the article was that admissions loved the essay.
 
Hayd said:
I finally found this miracle list https://trustanalytica.com/online/best-urgent-essay-writing-services . I had to share it with you! It really helped me out when I needed to write an extended essay on English literature quickly. As you can imagine, the problem was to choose a topic... and there could be millions of them and my head was full of this. Therefore, these programs allowed me not to think about stylistic errors or incorrect punctuation. I recommend it to everyone. There are several... everyone will find something for themselves!!!
Click to expand...
I would argue learning to write without stylistic errors or incorrect punctuation is important.
 
Or, they do the work for someone .... and it is easy to just accept the changes, hit submit, and not learn from the mistakes.
 
When you go to the interwebs to help create a haiku about spam, only to find out there is an entire haiku-verse dedicated to the other, slightly more delicious, version of spam…
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top