Worried about distance--any advice or reassurance?

M

Montanaparent

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Hi there. I have gotten quite a few comments lately about "sending" our DS so far away for school, and how it adds a lot of unnecessary stress, etc. If the USCGA wasn't so unique, I really would discourage DS from going so far, especially when it and we are both not near good transportation hubs, so it will be a time and $$ odssey with multiple connections and hard to plan each time we want to visit or him come home. But, it IS so unique, so of course it's still at the top of his list. Can anyone give me any thoughts or inputs on their experiences with this? Having kid go very far, and to somewhere very inflexible on top of that? Ultimately, it's his choice, but our family really works as a team and so having us on board with the plan 100% is our goal. Thanks, maybe just nerves, he's our oldest and we have no close family so it's always been just the 4 of us looking out for each other.
 
If your DS is called to serve in the military, then he will often be far from home, out of touch, in the far corners of the world, serving his country and contributing to the security of family and friends back home.

Going to a service academy far from home is the first step on that journey, but there will be breaks at holidays and summer leave periods. His Coast Guard classmates will become like family to him, and if he can’t get home, then he will most assuredly be welcomed in closer homes and treated like family. That is the nature of the big new family he wants to join.

Take it step by step, challenge by challenge, and be glad of Face Time and computer video calls. There is a Parents Association, with local chapters, though it looks like the closest is in CO.

You raised him to fly. Now you get to watch him soar. With the closeness you describe of your family, trust him to figure out how to get home. There might also be a time when you meet up in a city halfway between you and do a family adventure together.

As for those who comment about “sending him far away,” answer the question/comment they SHOULD have asked or made, while smiling hugely: “Thank you, I am so glad you understand how proud we are of his choice to serve his country by being one of the few chosen to attend a service academy for his college degree and commission as an officer. He’ll be a leader in the Coast Guard in the Department of Homeland Security, looking after all of us.”
 
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@Montanaparent, congratulations on raising a child who is willing to serve. We live in a small town in Washington State and have sent two of our four kids (one DS and one DS) to USMMA in New York, so I understand your concerns. It would be so much simpler now to think about your child going to Missoula or Bozeman. You will not fully understand this great opportunity for your DS until you first see him after he has been in New London for even a few weeks. He will blossom into a mature and confident young man that you cannot even imagine right now. When he comes home for Christmas break, you will see the obvious differences between your DS and his high school friends who have stayed local or who have gone to a nearby University. It will be like night and day, as you see him reach potential that even you did not know he had. He will have a second family at USCGA, and will have lots of offers to stay with his new brothers and sisters who live in New England or other close by locations for Thanksgiving break or other short leave periods where it is just not practical to come all the way home. You are right that it will be a logistical pain and expensive to travel home or for you to travel to see him in New London, but this amazing opportunity is so worth it, and your doubts will soon disappear even if your friends and family won't completely understand. Good luck to your whole family on this journey!
 
My son didn’t get into an academy. He attended five colleges before graduating. Two of the schools were local, two were a few hours drive away, and one was 1200 miles from home. Each time we dropped him off we had the same concerns but as the other posters stated, your son’s academy associates will become family.

In a flash, he was in the Marines and on deployment. And then another deployment. And then a year in the Middle East. And then instead of a B billet (shore duty) close to home like we hoped, he got orders to the 1st Marine Division.

OP you wrote, “If the USCGA wasn't so unique.” Keep that in mind as you worry about the distance. That uniqueness comes with a low selectively factor which makes your son unique. Uncle Sam has chosen him to not just get a world class education, but more importantly, serve the nation. For me that serves as a source of pride knowing the great things my son has done and continues to do since he’s been in. It’s not easy. We still want him close by.

Over the holidays I met the former commanding general of the 1st Marine Division who my son had deployed previously with and he told me this: Thanks for loaning us a great young man. We will take care of him, challenge him, keep giving him people and gear to maintain, and give him back to you in 30 to 35 years better than before.
 
Hey Montana – You need to think of your son’s upcoming journey as the adventure that it is! My guess is that you will adjust quickly to him being at CGA, faster than you think. And then once he graduates he will be flung into far away and exciting places – and you get to go visit him! As the wise posters above have stated, a new and different kind of family will grow around him. They won’t replace you at all, but trust me, everyone at the academy wants him to succeed! I know you can’t understand this yet, but you will see it someday. We sponsored cadets at WP so I can tell you firsthand that your cadet at CGA will be surrounded by people who will love him and take care of him like family!

My kid left home at 15 to spend his sophomore year of HS as an exchange student 6,900 miles away. He was there for 11 straight months and we did not have the means to go visit. I’m telling you, with FaceTime, WhatsApp, etc. the world is so small these days. The distance really doesn’t mean as much as you think it does right now. Don't let others plant that seed in your head. I like the belief of, once you have to set foot on a plane to get somewhere, does it really matter how far that plane has to fly? No, it doesn’t. As my son prepares to go back to attend university in his exchange country, my excitement for knowing that he will be doing exactly what he wants to be doing far outweighs any concerns about how far away he will be. It’s an adventure! If you’ve got a young adult that is headed to an SA, then he is fully capable of what lies ahead of him. And you raised him to be that way, so you will be OK too!
 
parentalunit2 said:
Hey Montana – You need to think of your son’s upcoming journey as the adventure that it is! My guess is that you will adjust quickly to him being at CGA, faster than you think. And then once he graduates he will be flung into far away and exciting places – and you get to go visit him!
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In a few days my wife will fly out to the desert outpost of 29 Palms to visit our son. I can’t wai...I mean she can’t wait to go.
 
Devil Doc said:
In a few days my wife will fly out to the desert outpost of 29 Palms to visit our son. I can’t wai...I mean she can’t wait to go.
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29 Stumps.

Ahhhhhhh.

Good times.

When I was there for 3 years, not even family members wanted to come visit me there - we would usually plan to meet them in Las Vegas so we could have a good time while seeing each other. (If you have been stationed there you know about the back road through Amboy that will get you to Vegas in 2.5 hours - this does require "extra-legal" speeds, but in dozens of times on that route, never once saw a cop, lol!)
 
OP - my son will be leaving for the USAFA this summer, and as a very tightly knit family, I feel your concerns -

I would say, set your mind at ease knowing that going to a SA is much different than going to a regular civilian university, in that your DS will never truly be alone. He will be very busy, and will always be thrown into the mix with other outstanding young men and women at every point of his journey. The challenges and sometimes shared misery of the military experience (not an SA grad myself, but over a decade of active duty both enlisted and officer side) are unique in that one always has "battle buddies" or "shipmates" to help them through.

My DS also has scholarship offers at a few distant civilian universities (not even counting the Tier 1 AFROTC scholarship he was just offered, after his USAFA appointment offer), and I was personally much more concerned about his being alone at a civilian university, and falling into the routine of going to class, and then back to the dorm to study, and perhaps not making many (or any) new friends.
 
I have to believe the difficulty of 4C year is going to completely overshadow any thoughts of the distance from home. It's an immersion experience where the biggest hurdles are what's immediately in front of you, not CT vs MT. If they moved USCGA to Billings it wouldn't help at all, and in fact it might be worse.

But to allay your concerns, we sent our oldest daughter out east for college and she disappeared into the bubble. By disappeared I mean terse, half sentence responses to texts, no calls or email, "Yeah it's going great but I gotta get to dinner" sort of stuff. Most colleges have a bubble, where the new activities and faces and work and fun just swirl around and blot out the rest of the world. I have friends who never hear from their son who is attending a college three blocks from our homes. If your DS was going to have trouble engaging in his new community and making friends then he'd likely have the same problem at WY or MT State but it would be worse because he'd be coming home instead of digging into the new world.
 
My kid went to a college 3 short hours by car distant. I still never saw him except for Thanksgiving, Christmas and a few weeks each summer. He might as well have been 500 miles or more away.

We often hosted other midshipman who couldn't make it home.

PS. I loved my visits to 29 Stumps. Now we see him in "downtown" Oceanside CA, which I admit is a step up. Nice living 2 blocks from the beach when you're young and love adventures.
 
Bubby'sDad said:
29 Stumps.

Ahhhhhhh.

Good times.

When I was there for 3 years, not even family members wanted to come visit me there - we would usually plan to meet them in Las Vegas so we could have a good time while seeing each other. (If you have been stationed there you know about the back road through Amboy that will get you to Vegas in 2.5 hours - this does require "extra-legal" speeds, but in dozens of times on that route, never once saw a cop, lol!)
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My son takes that route to the airport. Flying out of Vegas is cheaper than Palm Springs, about the same distance as John Wayne, plus, it’s Las Vegas.
 
kinnem said:
My kid went to a college 3 short hours by car distant. I still never saw him except for Thanksgiving, Christmas and a few weeks each summer. He might as well have been 500 miles or more away.

We often hosted other midshipman who couldn't make it home.

PS. I loved my visits to 29 Stumps. Now we see him in "downtown" Oceanside CA, which I admit is a step up. Nice living 2 blocks from the beach when you're young and love adventures.
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My daughter graduated just down the road from Mary Washington. We saw her about as much as if she was at UVA or Tech. I would go down and cut their grass or do some repairs on their (three roommates) old rental just for a quick visit.
 
I completely understand your concerns, our DS just accepted his appointment to USNA, 2,346 miles away from us. We too, are isolated in terms of direct flight options. I am viscerally aware of the fact that I am about to be an empty nester in 129 days, or 3,096 hours. But who's counting?

I also feel much better knowing that he is choosing his path, and he will be enveloped by a community and an environment that takes care of their own.
Knowing he is at USNA, versus say U of X makes me feel far more secure. Lord knows the shenanigans I got into at U of X with no 'community' or classmates that really cared and would support me. Not to mention the SA's have a vested interest in seeing our kids succeed, soar, even. As opposed to U of X that would be happy if I failed and continued to pay for that class all over again.

I love that you are trying to support him and come together behind him and his choice. Doesn't get better than that. We have raised amazing young men and women who are willing to serve and do hard things, that decision separates them from most of their peers and will contribute to their future successes in life. He will not be 'free' to choose his leave or time off for at least 12 years, but unlike a lot of his peers, he will be employed, have health insurance, a career and shipmates he likes, a fleet of opportunities and no college debt. That is exciting, too.

Hang in there! And good luck to your kiddo as they pursue this adventure.
 
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Capt MJ said:
If your DS is called to serve in the military, then he will often be far from home, out of touch, in the far corners of the world, serving his country and contributing to the security of family and friends back home.

Going to a service academy far from home is the first step on that journey, but there will be breaks at holidays and summer leave periods. His Coast Guard classmates will become like family to him, and if he can’t get home, then he will most assuredly be welcomed in closer homes and treated like family. That is the nature of the big new family he wants to join.

Take it step by step, challenge by challenge, and be glad of Face Time and computer video calls. There is a Parents Association, with local chapters, though it looks like the closest is in CO.

You raised him to fly. Now you get to watch him soar. With the closeness you describe of your family, trust him to figure out how to get home. There might also be a time when you meet up in a city halfway between you and do a family adventure together.

As for those who comment about “sending him far away,” answer the question/comment they SHOULD have asked or made, while smiling hugely: “Thank you, I am so glad you understand how proud we are of his choice to serve his country by being one of the few chosen to attend a service academy for his college degree and commission as an officer. He’ll be a leader in the Coast Guard in the Department of Homeland Security, looking after all of us.”
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Montanaparent said:
Hi there. I have gotten quite a few comments lately about "sending" our DS so far away for school, and how it adds a lot of unnecessary stress, etc. If the USCGA wasn't so unique, I really would discourage DS from going so far, especially when it and we are both not near good transportation hubs, so it will be a time and $$ odssey with multiple connections and hard to plan each time we want to visit or him come home. But, it IS so unique, so of course it's still at the top of his list. Can anyone give me any thoughts or inputs on their experiences with this? Having kid go very far, and to somewhere very inflexible on top of that? Ultimately, it's his choice, but our family really works as a team and so having us on board with the plan 100% is our goal. Thanks, maybe just nerves, he's our oldest and we have no close family so it's always been just the 4 of us looking out for each other.
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Everyone,
I want to thank you ALL for your kind, heart felt, honest replies! I will still have a hard time sending him off into the world so far so abruptly, but at least I feel much better about what I am sending him TO. If I am honest, my worries may be more about me than him now. I am so proud of him for getting this offer. We'll be there for AEP in March so he can decide for himself, and I can see for myself as well. All your support is so appreciated!
 
We live in Florida. My DS had one best friend from pre-k to when he graduated high school. After swab summer, he have 5 best friends at the academy, including one local from Ct. He also gain a family there. Now every where he goes, he have friend/friends to meet. 4 years is really not that long, and saying goodbye (airport drop off) is not getting easier:(
 
Montanaparent said:
Hi there. I have gotten quite a few comments lately about "sending" our DS so far away for school, and how it adds a lot of unnecessary stress, etc. If the USCGA wasn't so unique, I really would discourage DS from going so far, especially when it and we are both not near good transportation hubs, so it will be a time and $$ odssey with multiple connections and hard to plan each time we want to visit or him come home. But, it IS so unique, so of course it's still at the top of his list. Can anyone give me any thoughts or inputs on their experiences with this? Having kid go very far, and to somewhere very inflexible on top of that? Ultimately, it's his choice, but our family really works as a team and so having us on board with the plan 100% is our goal. Thanks, maybe just nerves, he's our oldest and we have no close family so it's always been just the 4 of us looking out for each other.
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Congratulations to you DS for a great accomplishment. We face a similar situation, although logistically it is easier to get to Annapolis than New London. We get the same questions about our DD going so far away for school. 90 plus percent of kids here go to the local state university which is in our back yard. We always answer "we are just glad she is in the U.S., for now". We have known since she was 5 or 6 she would go far from home, for school, and life. Your family is in for an amazing ride. Get on board and enjoy.

Please understand this post is to encourage and not discourage. Your family is in for an amazing adventure. Above you have been given much practical advice. I am going to pass along some emotional advice, which is rarely addressed. This can be hard on parents. Your family sounds very much like ours. We are one unit. We do (did) most everything together. When your Mid reports on I-Day, that is it. You don't get to speak to them, outside of 3 20 minute phone calls. Not sure about the rules at USCCA, but I am sure they are every bit as restrictive as USNA. There is a real remorse that ebbs and flows over the summer. It feels like a loss in the family. Karl Smith says it best, "our forth wheel was missing" He does a great job explaining the emotions on his blog mykidlthemid.com. There is a finality to your child being gone, which I can't imagine being the case at a civilian university. You quickly realize on your flight home, your family will never be the same. I am sure all parents come to this realization at some point. Maybe it's that sophomore summer when they decide not to come home from civilian school. I am not sure, but it's a more gradual realization. My DW would get a little bitter at FB post of other Mom's that talked about how sad they were there kid was gone "away" to school 15 minutes across town. :p . I had to remind her everyone is going through their processes.
With all that stated, I can't image anything different. Encourage your DS. Enjoy all the pride and good times. The good times are so good. Your DS is obviously exceptional. Would you want him to do what the ordinary kid is doing?
 
@Montanaparent

These conversations always remind me of my mom, of whom I have written in the past. She came from a large and tight-knit family, all of whom still live within 1-2 hours of each other and are regularly together, though a few generations along now. After Pearl Harbor was attacked, she and her best friend, recent graduates from HS (mom was valedictorian, and all-state basketball player, but there was no thought of college in the family then with a war on), took a train to NYC and signed up with the Army Air Corps civil service, age 18. They went across the country to training in San Francisco, then a troop ship to Hickam Army Air Corps in Pearl Harbor. She worked there during and after the war, then in other jobs back in CONUS, meeting my dad, and still ending up 10 hours away from her family. She had things to do, people to meet, places to go at that time in her life. We were a tight family unit. She wasn’t thrilled I went 8 hours out of state to college, and then into the Navy and then to Spain and onward - but she realized where I had gotten the urge to venture far from home! I credit her with me being fearless in math and not succumbing to stereotypes, as well as understanding how to get physical under a basket in a team setting. She also didn’t bat an eye when I wanted train sets and building sets and doctor kits, rather than Barbie. She and my father gave me the foundation to seek a non-traditional path far from home, and I appreciate more and more what they gave me as time has passed.

Your family is doing that for your son. Smile through the tears and rejoice in the journey to come. My parents visited me all over the globe, sharing the adventure.
 
Oh my gosh, this thread the morning after my DS' 18th birthday -- I'm certainly not sitting here sniffling at my desk. Thank you, @Montanaparent for this question that I think so many of us relate to, and to @Capt MJ and everyone else for these heartfelt and beautiful responses. It will be so difficult and so wonderful. Looking forward to meeting fellow parents at the AEP in March for a group hug. :)
 
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