Essay Help/Advice

Copeland 2025

Copeland 2025

USNA '25
Joined
Feb 18, 2020
Messages
99
Hello all,

I'm wrapping up my application to USAFA. I have everything done except the CFA (scheduled to take within the next week or two), my SAT scores (which I get next Friday), and my essays. The essays are surprisingly giving me a lot of trouble. I'm in the IB program at my high school, so I already write a lot. However, there's just something about the nature of a personal statement that's throwing me off. People I've shown my essays to so far have said I need to do more "showing" and not "telling". It feels as if "showing" is necessary to help the admissions officer get to know you as a person, which I understand. That being said, my writing is direct and to the point, and descriptive storytelling writing is just not me. My essays are similar to those I write in school: I start off with a "claim", give examples, tie everything together, etc. Do the Academies want a more direct and precise approach, or something more story-like and descriptive? Any words of advice help. Thank you!
 
Just to respond to one of your points.

When I wrote my college essays my main goal was to have the reader visualizer the scene in their head. I did this by using more descriptors than I usually would of such as: "As she looked on with her sightless, watery eyes" Note how it is still concisely written.
 
nhk2002 said:
Hello all,

I'm wrapping up my application to USAFA. I have everything done except the CFA (scheduled to take within the next week or two), my SAT scores (which I get next Friday), and my essays. The essays are surprisingly giving me a lot of trouble. I'm in the IB program at my high school, so I already write a lot. However, there's just something about the nature of a personal statement that's throwing me off. People I've shown my essays to so far have said I need to do more "showing" and not "telling". It feels as if "showing" is necessary to help the admissions officer get to know you as a person, which I understand. That being said, my writing is direct and to the point, and descriptive storytelling writing is just not me. My essays are similar to those I write in school: I start off with a "claim", give examples, tie everything together, etc. Do the Academies want a more direct and precise approach, or something more story-like and descriptive? Any words of advice help. Thank you!
Click to expand...
They want an accurate true-to-you written product. If it communicates your points clearly, fully answers the prompt in an organized and logical way, is devoid of hyperbole, reads smoothly, is flawless in grammar, spelling, syntax and punctuation, then at some point you stop polishing the cannonball and fire it.
 
BobSanderz said:
Just to respond to one of your points.

When I wrote my college essays my main goal was to have the reader visualizer the scene in their head. I did this by using more descriptors than I usually would of such as: "As she looked on with her sightless, watery eyes" Note how it is still concisely written.
Click to expand...

This certainly caught my attention. I agree that using descriptive language can enrich a piece of writing. I admit to being brought to a full pause to think about “sightless eyes” which were capable of “looking.” It’s a vivid image that made me think beyond the literal meaning of “look.”
 
Capt MJ said:
This certainly caught my attention. I agree that using descriptive language can enrich a piece of writing. I admit to being brought to a full pause to think about “sightless eyes” which were capable of “looking.” It’s a vivid image that made me think beyond the literal meaning of “look.”
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I'm glad it was effective :D
 
I’m also an IB student and trust me writing essays has become such a natural thing and it should be relatively easy for us. Think of this as the world lit paper but just on your personal life. Analyze yourself go over what happened cite examples and be you. My counselor told me to have your own voice. I hope this helps
 
JP51 said:
I’m also an IB student and trust me writing essays has become such a natural thing and it should be relatively easy for us. Think of this as the world lit paper but just on your personal life. Analyze yourself go over what happened cite examples and be you. My counselor told me to have your own voice. I hope this helps
Click to expand...
I never thought of it like the world lit paper but on your personal life. Good to connect with another IB student! And it did help, thank you!
 
nhk2002 said:
I think this is my new favorite quote too :) Thank you for the advice!
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I won’t take original credit. That or some version of it has been bouncing around the military for years. It can be taken literally - stop editing and re-writing when it’s time to get on with it - or stop doing something when it’s clear you are no longer moving forward. And who needs a polished cannonball anyway!
 
Capt MJ said:
I won’t take original credit. That or some version of it has been bouncing around the military for years. It can be taken literally - stop editing and re-writing when it’s time to get on with it - or stop doing something when it’s clear you are no longer moving forward. And who needs a polished cannonball anyway!
Click to expand...
A similar saying my dad uses (he was an Army Officer) is “don’t let perfection get in the way of a finished product.”
 
UnitedStatesAircraft5 said:
A similar saying my dad uses (he was an Army Officer) is “don’t let perfection get in the way of a finished product.”
Click to expand...
Another related one is “resist the urge to replace ‘puppy’ with ‘small dog.’”

Some of the best advice I got as I moved up the ranks and had to review the written work of others was “Put down your red pen and just read it. If the spelling, grammar and punctuation are good, and it says what it needs to say, even though it is not the brilliant, elegant and literary way you would write it, let it go.” The author will be thrilled and validated you made few or no changes.”
 
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