Hi I'm filling out my summer seminar application. Can anyone give me some constructive criticism on my personal essay? Thank you

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emiliausafalover

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Please discuss any personal life experience where you have overcome adversity or challenges that have shaped you into the person you are today.? (3000 characters max)

One challenge I have overcome in my life is that as a child my body did not produce sufficient amounts of growth hormones. When I was younger I was always the shortest kid in my classes and a lot of the time I was picked on for it. Whenever I would go to the doctor I would never be on the chart for my age's height, so my doctor recommended that I should be put on growth hormones. For three and a half years I had to receive an injection of growth hormones every night and for a while they weren't working. Like everything else, it came out to kids in my school that I was getting these shots and many of them made fun of me for it and made jokes about it. When I had friends over I was embarrassed to have to do my shot while they were there. At first I did not want to do the shots because I was scared, but I pushed through and went along with it. There were many many nights where I begged my mom to skip the shot because I had friends over, was out etc, but most of the time she said no. That helped teach me that there are always going to be things that we do not want to do but you have to do them anyway. This may seem trivial but it taught me perseverance to overcome obstacles and to not care about what other people thought of me. Not only did the everyday slight physical pain teach me to be strong, but sometimes we have to do things that hurt us in the moment but later on will benefit us greatly. Had I not received these injections every day I would be a lot shorter than I am now and that would have prevented me from doing simple everyday things that I can do now just because I am a little taller. I am glad I did the shots and they helped me become a resilient and stronger person today. This also taught me to not care about what other people think because at first it hurt me what the kids at my school were saying about me. But then I realized that they do not define me and neither does my height. What they say should not affect how I see myself or how I feel. Today I am much less insecure about my height and have a lot more perseverance.
 
I went to summer seminar this previous year, but I'm certainly no expert on what the summer seminar people are looking for, so I would take my criticism with a grain of salt. I think your essay itself is great and speaks to your character. However, one thing I will say is that varying your sentence structure may help; also try not to start as many sentences with "this" and "that".
 
I agree with @agmp183. You might use a noun with 'this' and 'that' at the start of your sentences, e.g.,"this experience" and "that set of steps" which provides the reader with your bit more focus for the sentence, along with the variety noted previously. I recommend to my students to point to unique experiences, and your essay definitely does. Keep up the good work!
 
Academician said:
I agree with @agmp183. You might use a noun with 'this' and 'that' at the start of your sentences, e.g.,"this experience" and "that set of steps" which provides the reader with your bit more focus for the sentence, along with the variety noted previously. I recommend to my students to point to unique experiences, and your essay definitely does. Keep up the good work!
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Thank you!
 
I'm a current HS Sophomore. Planning to apply to USAFA and SS next year. Bear in mind that I haven't actually done any of the essay prompts yet. This is just my input on grammar and concision.
  • Divide into two (or more) paragraphs. It will improve readability.
  • If there's a specific health condition associated with this challenge, maybe give that name. Even if you explain what it means in the next sentence, it still helps to add detail.
  • Definitely look to vary your sentence structure. The structure I'm seeing consistently is <adverb clause><main clause><coordinating conjunction><main clause>. Look to mix things up a bit.
  • Watch out for the passive voice. It's not necessarily bad, but it can weaken your message if you unintentionally use it.
    • For example: instead of "that helped teach me..." use "From this I learned..."
  • Keep revising it. I find the best way to revise essays is to print out a physical copy and read it a few times. Then mark anything you think needs changed. Rewrite the essay and repeat. Also be sure to ask friends/family for input.
Hope this helps!
 
Good story.

What lessons and insights did you gain about others who have challenges that might make them the object for f teasing or ridicule?

It would be a more powerful statement than diluting the front end with “it may seem trivial” (you mention slight pain later on, so you cover that) and roll right into “I learned perseverance, determination, commitment (whatever else applies) in meeting this daily challenge, qualities I think will help me become a strong military officer in the future.”
 
Capt MJ said:
Good story.

What lessons and insights did you gain about others who have challenges that might make them the object for f teasing or ridicule?

It would be a more powerful statement than diluting the front end with “it may seem trivial” (you mention slight pain later on, so you cover that) and roll right into “I learned perseverance, determination, commitment (whatever else applies) in meeting this daily challenge, qualities I think will help me become a strong military officer in the future.”
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Thank you so much that really helped, here is my new essay

One challenge I have overcome in my life is that as a child my body did not produce sufficient amounts of growth hormones. When I was younger I was always the shortest kid in my classes and a lot of the time I was picked on for it. Whenever I would go to the doctor I would never be on the chart for my age's height, so my doctor recommended that I should be put on growth hormones. For three and a half years I had to receive an injection of growth hormones every night and for a while they weren't working. Like everything else, it came out to kids in my school that I was getting these shots and many of them made fun of me for it and made jokes about it. When I had friends over I was embarrassed to have to do my shot while they were there. At first I did not want to do the shots because I was scared, but I pushed through and went along with it. There were many many nights where I begged my mom to skip the shot because I had friends over, was out etc, but most of the time she said no. From this I learned that there are always going to be things that we do not want to do but you have to do them anyway. Ultimately I learned commitment, perseverance, determination and the ability to disregard others' negative comments. In meeting this daily challenge, these are all qualities I think will help me become a strong military officer in the future. Not only did the everyday slight physical pain teach me to be strong, but sometimes we have to do things that hurt us in the moment but later on will benefit us greatly. Had I not received these injections every day I would be a lot shorter than I am now and that would have prevented me from doing simple everyday things that I can do now just because I am a little taller. I am glad I did the shots and they helped me become a resilient and stronger person today. Nevertheless this experience also taught me to not care about what other people think because at first it hurt me what the kids at my school were saying about me. But then I realized that they do not define me and neither does my height. What they say should not affect how I see myself or how I feel. Today I am much less insecure about my height and have a lot more perseverance.
 
I am applying too! I love your essay and I think it really tells a great story, but there are things that would make it even better. I would suggest trying not to repeat words as it lessens engagement in your story, try to use different words that mean the same thing like said, exclaimed, or even told. I would also suggest breaking up your story into paragraphs and also breaking up your sentences so they aren't as long. Hope this helps! <3
 
See if you can remove words to make sentences stronger, example:
One challenge I have overcome in my life is that as a child my body did not produce sufficient amounts of growth hormones.
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Write: "A life challenge I have overcome ..."

Another item: change from negative to positive thoughts: You write:
Today I am much less insecure about my height and have a lot more perseverance.
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Try this: "Today I'm confident about by height and display strong perseverance for all my goals."
 
daisyflowers123 said:
I am applying too! I love your essay and I think it really tells a great story, but there are things that would make it even better. I would suggest trying not to repeat words as it lessens engagement in your story, try to use different words that mean the same thing like said, exclaimed, or even told. I would also suggest breaking up your story into paragraphs and also breaking up your sentences so they aren't as long. Hope this helps! <3
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Thank you hope to see you there!
 
First - your essay and story are charming/ interesting. If you're asking for minor feedback, what would really bring your success story home for the reader might be something like a little poignant humor - like how you still won't be starting as center for any NBA teams, but you don't care, as you now meet the minimum height requirements to train and serve as an officer in the United States Air Force. You could point out how you didn't know it at the time, but are glad you endured this, as going through those years of shots means you can still pursue your dream.
 
Herman_Snerd said:
First - your essay and story are charming/ interesting. If you're asking for minor feedback, what would really bring your success story home for the reader might be something like a little poignant humor - like how you still won't be starting as center for any NBA teams, but you don't care, as you now meet the minimum height requirements to train and serve as an officer in the United States Air Force. You could point out how you didn't know it at the time, but are glad you endured this, as going through those years of shots means you can still pursue your dream.
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Thank you thats very helpful, great idea
 
For general essay help, google "Hack the college essay" It will tell you to write the essay only you could write.
Also, ask yourself: What values does the military have and how does my story address them.
Your writing comes across pretty "basic"... can you add more color? more examples?
 
For grammar, you're missing a few commas. When using coordinating conjunctions and a full sentence on both sides, you need a comma. For example: I like dogs, and I like cats. You are missing this comma in a few spots. Good luck.
 
One thing I did with all my essays for noms and applications was have them reviewed by an English teacher. Definitely worth doing if your serious about improving your writing.
 
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