Sorry, but I would not recommend sending your essay to anonymous forum members for advice. The best essays are only those that you, and only you, could write. Without knowing you, we (sorry for using the global we) can't really make that assessment.
Your English teachers are typically much better at providing learned, meaningful feedback.
Side note: most of the essay drafts posted on this forum for feedback have tended to be very generic. Essays that could have been written by the vast majority of the applicants. Essays that did not provide a real insight into who the applicant was or why the applicant would provide value to the USN.
