Question about format of personal statement

[hendricksd67]

I am drafting my Personal Statement for my OCS package. This is NOT my statement; but what I think is the correct way to organize my letter. Can anyone confirm or give me some pointers if my outline is on the right path?


personal statement guidelines/ideas....


first paragraph says WHO I am. Do NOT need to list all my accomplishments, that is boring. mention accomplishments in the rest of my statement through examples; just say who I am. ideas:

• highlight my leadership -- how it was always expected of me whether in volleyball (in high school and in on college team), as editor-in-chief during high school, and in college when I landed my Disney internship (word it to highlight how coveted the position is?).
• talk about batman or collecting comics as a female in a male dominated area
• received a Division I full athletic scholarship -- explain WHO I am and what's important to me as a person. Be creative to catch and hold the readers attention.

next say WHY I want to be a Naval Officer. what motivated e OR what draws me to serve in the Navy. ideas:

• parents both in the navy
• moving all over as a kid, seeing and experiencing different cultures and being part of something larger than just myself. ?

Next paragraph says what I will bring to the Navy or what I will do for the Navy.

• uhhh... ???? dig deep here -- i'll come back to this.

Next talk about WHY I will be a good officer, list my qualities and give a couple examples. ideas:

• I've always been a hard-worker because from a young age I had to painstakingly take care of the lawn so that it matched the splendor of Wrigley Field. blah, blah..... ??
• talk about more leadership examples

End making it clear that I know what I want

 

[Calisurfboy1997]

Are you applying while in college or are you already finished with college?

 

[hendricksd67]

Are you applying while in college or are you already finished with college?

Just graduated; have almost all other things complete. Took OAR, have letters of recommendation including one from a 4-star, have medical done, etc.... this is about the last part of my application and I want to nail it.