Relationships going into an academy.

carson8644

carson8644

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Sep 24, 2021
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I didn’t know where to put this discussion thread so I just put it in off-topic. So I am in a relationship and have been for 2 and a half years, and we are serious about each other. Going into the academy, is it even possible for us to continue to date and see eachother or is it pretty much impossible realistically. Has anyone had any experience or tried to keep a relationship going into the academy? Thanks for all of you guys help. This is definitely not easy for me or her.
 
I don't know how to post a thread in a reply. However, I recall a thread last year on this topic. Search for LDR relationships in the USMA and there is a thread that may help answer some of your questions.
 
@carson8644 my firstie is getting married in June, a week after commissioning. They have dated since high school.

My youngster was dumped by his high school GF during plebe summer quarrantining.

Both are happy and healthy!! And have experienced their SA experience in different ways: one single, one not. No way to know which will be your story, should you attend. But, for ANYONE heading away from high school, odds are that the changes and growth that everyone experiences naturally and normally, will result in growing apart. I have 4 kiddos that were in serious, long relationships before heading away, and one ‘survived’

MY BIGGEST PIECE OF ADVICE: do NOT make decisions for you college years, based upon your relationship. Either one of you. If it was meant to be? It will be. And if not? You CERTAINLY do not want to regret a choice you made bc of the relationship.

I promise, if you are meant to be….it’ll happen. My own DH and myself took a break during college. And made it.

Yes it’s possible. And an opportunity to grow the relationship. She can visit for liberty. You come home during leaves. It’s doable. If both people are committed, and independent with their own interests and friends.
 
Is it possible? Yes. Is it rare? Yes. But I still have friends married to high school sweet hearts and made it. A few things… the next year, for both of you (or whenever they go to college), will be a year of immense growth. You will develop and do that growth separately for the most part. The next 4 years for that matter. Also, are they ready to be a military spouse or significant other while in flight school? Nuke school? Deployments? Work up cycles? What are their career aspirations? Are they willing to pick up and move from a job they love every few years?

One thing I always advise anyone dating through a SA as I watched my room mates do this. They met other Mids a few years older. So every leave and 3 day weekend was spent traveling to see them. Basically their entire schedule was based upon when someone was visiting. I feel like they missed out on a lot of fun and bonding with classmates because of that. They didn’t develop some of the deeper relationships most of us did because they were always chasing the next visit. A buddy of mine was Fromm Alaska. His gf from high school moved locally while he was at USNA. Every weekend was spent with her. He lacks many of those relationships we had/have. Don’t spend 2 hours each other on FaceTime. It will keep you and them from living life and miss out on studying, fun, etc. Develop healthy communications methods and expectations. Be open minded to life is going to change and that is okay. Talk it out as you go.
 
Each year there are threads on this. Look within the individual SA forums. Sometimes you will have better luck with an external Google search with “site.serviceacademyforums.com” in your search string.

Yes, it is possible, but will take maturity, honesty, patience, trust, resourcefulness, independence, advanced communications skills, and many other traits, skills and abilities to keep your relationship strong and growing. At USNA, it’s called the “2% Club,” humorously describing the expected percentage of pre-existing relationships that will survive through 4 years of SA challenges.

You will not have the same freedoms to travel and see each other. Your ability to communicate via text and calls will be severely impacted, with the first test of this being the initial summer training, where phones are taken away. There will be times you as the midshipman or cadet will simply be so busy in the pressure-cooker that is an SA, you won’t be able to respond immediately, or do more than a quick few words in a not-so-instant reply text, or can’t indulge in a half-hour call because you have several mandatory things you must go and do. If you are the types that are in a joined-at-the-hip-can-hardly-be-separated type of pattern, SA life will test this.

Mis-alignment of assumptions and expectations play a huge role in disrupting and derailing relationships, even for people who have been married decades. In every argument or bad spell, you can almost always find some degree of this.

You will have to be brutally honest in setting expectations about an experience you don’t yet know first-hand. Your SO must be able to pursue his or her own dreams, growth, path, and be able to thrive at whatever they are doing, independent of you, while you are doing the same where you are, not unhealthily dependent on each other. People do manage to do this, but it is hard. It takes resilience, trust and mutual respect to grow through this together, but it can be done. It is not the normal college dating experience. It can be very hard to have adult conversations when you’re not seeing each other in the same way you do right now. Assumptions and expectations, every time.

Communicate with each other about assumptions and expectations. Commit to taking it day by day. See how it goes. Put the other’s well-being first. If you know your feelings have changed, don’t play games. There is absolutely no room for jealousy; that is a corrosive element that will erode the foundation of your relationship. You will both change tremendously in the next few years, a normal part of emergence into full adulthood. You have to mutually support each other’s growth and dreams, because this is a true expression of love, understanding that could mean different paths. This isn’t just 4 years away at college, with complete freedom to merge lives afterward. It’s a minimum of at least 9, probably more, and one of you will not have too much control over where you will be and what you will be doing.

Down the road, military spouses are a special breed of people - phenomenally strong, independent, resourceful, resilient. Their own desires for graduate school and career advancement can be severely hampered. The separations continue. They are the ones who run the whole household when the other is deployed for months, take on the burden of getting stuff fixed, handle family problems, deal with the stress and uncertainty, etc. It can be very hard going.

There are those here who survived and grew those SA relationships into lifelong commitments. No doubt they will pop up.
 
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All the previous advise is great.
DD, now a LT, is still dating the boy she met just before R-Day at WP.
They were both a little older and more mature when they started dating.
They saw each other quite a bit during her time at WP, but DD did not spend every free moment trying to see him. She developed friendships at West Point as well, and played a D1 sport.
Sometimes DD spent time with us, sometimes she spent holidays with friends, sometimes “Whatshisname”, sometimes combined.
Both of them are different people today than they were four years ago, but they grew together.
As others wrote, being a military spouse is not easy. If a couple can’t make it through a SA together, it’s probably for the best. During our first four years of marriage DW and I were separated half the time. This was before email and phone calls were rare and expensive. Written letters often took four weeks each way. Occasionally, if the earth’s atmosphere cooperated, I would try an HF radio phone patch to her work number and hope she wasn’t flying a mission. Over the years we’ve been based in 11 or more locations (I lose track) and been separated numerous times for six months to over a year.
BTW, I turned down a SA for a girl. We broke up a few years later anyway. 🙄
 
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One additional note. This was pre-marriage wisdom given by Gramma J: “Inevitably, one of you thinks the other will always stay the same and not change and wants it that way. The other one will see something they don’t like, and either try to change the other after marriage or think it will go away once you are married.” It’s quite true.
 
Thank you all so much for your responses. My GF is worried/scared for this just as much as I am. Time will tell.
 
Just PLEASE don’t make choices based upon them…..

Make choices ‘as if’ you are part of the 98pct that will grow apart. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing!!

Don’t be worried/scared. Be excited for the next chapter. And be excited for each other’s next chapter.

It will be OK, and it will work out.
 
justdoit19 said:
Just PLEASE don’t make choices based upon them…..

Make choices ‘as if’ you are part of the 98pct that will grow apart. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing!!

Don’t be worried/scared. Be excited for the next chapter. And be excited for each other’s next chapter.

It will be OK, and it will work out.
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I appreciate ur advice. I am hoping maybe my significant other can split before indoctrination, and maybe find eachother again in the future. We both believe we are the “one” for eachother.
 
carson8644 said:
I appreciate ur advice. I am hoping maybe my significant other can split before indoctrination, and maybe find eachother again in the future. We both believe we are the “one” for eachother.
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I have read this several times.

You hope your SO will split before indoctrination? Then the hazy idea you might find each other someday? Communication is imperfect on an anonymous chat forum without eye contact, body language or voice tone, but my first impression is you are already 10 steps out the door here. Did I read your comment inaccurately?

Does this feel better to you to be let off the hook so you don’t initiate? Have you shared this “hope” with your SO? Why not openly and respectfully discuss all the possibilities of how you BOTH want to go forward and navigate coming events as two young adults in a relationship? Get all assumptions, expectations, needs and worries out on the table. Actively listen. It will be uncomfortable, awkward, uneasy, but that is the stuff of true respectful communication between adults in a relationship. It is WORK.

You could decide to finish up senior year together then take a break until you might see each other at Thanksgiving, see how you both feel about things. This frees her to navigate any upcoming changes with complete freedom over a few months, see how that feels to her, and if she then desires to try for a relationship while you are at an SA - or not - she can express that, and you would be doing the same for yourself over the same period. You would be free to focus on adjusting to SA life without worrying about tending to a relationship at a distance, eliminating stress, worry and guilt. You might find you both treasured your high school time together and will never forget a special relationship, but it’s time to walk on different paths now. Or it could be a powerful reaffirmation of your commitment to try going forward and growing together in a renewed relationship.

The key here is you have to have these conversations. Try going for a long walk while you do it, even if it’s an indoor track during bad weather. Sometimes walking beside someone, talking, pausing to make eye contact, while doing something, can ease the strain. If you truly care for someone, you put their welfare equal to or above yours, and you say what’s in your heart and mind, and make it safe and okay for your SO to do the same, even if it’s what you fear to hear.
 
Capt MJ said:
I have read this several times.

You hope your SO will split before indoctrination? Then the hazy idea you might find each other someday? Communication is imperfect on an anonymous chat forum without eye contact, body language or voice tone, but my first impression is you are already 10 steps out the door here. Did I read your comment inaccurately?

Does this feel better to you to be let off the hook so you don’t initiate? Have you shared this “hope” with your SO? Why not openly and respectfully discuss all the possibilities of how you BOTH want to go forward and navigate coming events as two young adults in a relationship? Get all assumptions, expectations, needs and worries out on the table. Actively listen. It will be uncomfortable, awkward, uneasy, but that is the stuff of true respectful communication between adults in a relationship. It is WORK.

You could decide to finish up senior year together then take a break until you might see each other at Thanksgiving, see how you both feel about things. This frees her to navigate any upcoming changes with complete freedom over a few months, see how that feels to her, and if she then desires to try for a relationship while you are at an SA - or not - she can express that, and you would be doing the same for yourself over the same period. You would be free to focus on adjusting to SA life without worrying about tending to a relationship at a distance, eliminating stress, worry and guilt. You might find you both treasured your high school time together and will never forget a special relationship, but it’s time to walk on different paths now. Or it could be a powerful reaffirmation of your commitment to try going forward and growing together in a renewed relationship.

The key here is you have to have these conversations. Try going for a long walk while you do it, even if it’s an indoor track during bad weather. Sometimes walking beside someone, talking, pausing to make eye contact, while doing something, can ease the strain. If you truly care for someone, you put their welfare equal to or above yours, and you say what’s in your heart and mind, and make it safe and okay for your SO to do the same, even if it’s what you fear to hear.
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We have been talking about it a lot. And neither of us want it to end badly while we are not able to communicate and talk in person. I want to stay together all the way till the end. But I feel like she isn’t ready for the challenges as I am, and that’s why I don’t want struggles to occur while I am away. I just assumed a mutual split before indoctrination might be the best for us, to go on and live out college and whatever else and re connect after.
 
carson8644 said:
We have been talking about it a lot. And neither of us want it to end badly while we are not able to communicate and talk in person. I want to stay together all the way till the end. But I feel like she isn’t ready for the challenges as I am, and that’s why I don’t want struggles to occur while I am away. I just assumed a mutual split before indoctrination might be the best for us, to go on and live out college and whatever else and re connect after.
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Just keep talking and working it through. Kindness above all.
 
Capt MJ said:
Each year there are threads on this. Look within the individual SA forums. Sometimes you will have better luck with an external Google search with “site.serviceacademyforums.com” in your search string.

Yes, it is possible, but will take maturity, honesty, patience, trust, resourcefulness, independence, advanced communications skills, and many other traits, skills and abilities to keep your relationship strong and growing. At USNA, it’s called the “2% Club,” humorously describing the expected percentage of pre-existing relationships that will survive through 4 years of SA challenges.

You will not have the same freedoms to travel and see each other. Your ability to communicate via text and calls will be severely impacted, with the first test of this being the initial summer training, where phones are taken away. There will be times you as the midshipman or cadet will simply be so busy in the pressure-cooker that is an SA, you won’t be able to respond immediately, or do more than a quick few words in a not-so-instant reply text, or can’t indulge in a half-hour call because you have several mandatory things you must go and do. If you are the types that are in a joined-at-the-hip-can-hardly-be-separated type of pattern, SA life will test this.

Mis-alignment of assumptions and expectations play a huge role in disrupting and derailing relationships, even for people who have been married decades. In every argument or bad spell, you can almost always find some degree of this.

You will have to be brutally honest in setting expectations about an experience you don’t yet know first-hand. Your SO must be able to pursue his or her own dreams, growth, path, and be able to thrive at whatever they are doing, independent of you, while you are doing the same where you are, not unhealthily dependent on each other. People do manage to do this, but it is hard. It takes resilience, trust and mutual respect to grow through this together, but it can be done. It is not the normal college dating experience. It can be very hard to have adult conversations when you’re not seeing each other in the same way you do right now. Assumptions and expectations, every time.

Communicate with each other about assumptions and expectations. Commit to taking it day by day. See how it goes. Put the other’s well-being first. If you know your feelings have changed, don’t play games. There is absolutely no room for jealousy; that is a corrosive element that will erode the foundation of your relationship. You will both change tremendously in the next few years, a normal part of emergence into full adulthood. You have to mutually support each other’s growth and dreams, because this is a true expression of love, understanding that could mean different paths. This isn’t just 4 years away at college, with complete freedom to merge lives afterward. It’s a minimum of at least 9, probably more, and one of you will not have too much control over where you will be and what you will be doing.

Down the road, military spouses are a special breed of people - phenomenally strong, independent, resourceful, resilient. Their own desires for graduate school and career advancement can be severely hampered. The separations continue. They are the ones who run the whole household when the other is deployed for months, take on the burden of getting stuff fixed, handle family problems, deal with the stress and uncertainty, etc. It can be very hard going.

There are those here who survived and grew those SA relationships into lifelong commitments. No doubt they will pop up.
Click to expand...
Amazing perspective, Capt MJ, should be a must read for anyone aiming to try long distance.
 

Long Distance Relationships....

Hello, So I know the forums are for more serious posts, but I just wanted to know a few things about the restraints on long-distance relationships now that I am going to USAFA. Firstly, I am from New Jersey (yeah extremely far from Colordo) and my GF is staying in-state. So, I'm a little...
www.serviceacademyforums.com

After a little digging, here's the thread previously mentioned by @2025 hopeful . I wonder how the OP of this thread is doing...
I'm confident every person attending a SA who's in a relationship has gone through the same worries. Me, I haven't even decided where I'm going and I'm already worried. It's natural when you care about someone that much, but don't let it affect any other aspects of your life. Such as, and I'm echoing what many others have already stated, don't let your college decisions be affected by your relationship. If GF (or BF for anyone else) is pressuring you into doing something so that the relationship can work out, my best guess is that it won't work out in the long run. My SO and I have already clarified to each other to not make our college decisions dependent upon each other. He's confident that if we're meant to be then we'll be able to make it work. Best of luck!
 
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