Summer seminar essay 2

[ApplicationWarrior]

I am seriously grateful for the help I got on my first essay, will any of you mind reading my second essay? Thank you.

People often dream about floating down backroads in their vintage vehicles, but trust me, when you’re stranded on the side of a state route at 8:30 on a school night, you’ll have your second thoughts. In July of last year, my brother and I purchased a 1977 Triumph Spitfire. With no mechanical knowledge, we assumed we were an oil change away from the romanticized lifestyle we had imagined. As I drove my new toy around the town one fateful night, the engine coughed and sputtered until it finally quit. The harsh truth of immobility sunk in, and with my limited experience and lack of tools, I dove under the hood, grease-lined manual in hand, and got to work. I painstakingly wrenched and ratcheted for hours in the moonlight. As time went slowly by, my expectation of an instant gratification faded into determination to fix the issue. It wasn’t just about getting on the road, but also a test to my problem-solving skills, resilience, and ability to work under pressure. From this incident, I learned first hand the importance of these skills, and how to use them. My grateful misadventure has given me a repeated desire to overcome challenges, and my repeated ability to overcome and persevere through plight makes me a unique candidate. I am eager and ready to test my problem solving and leadership skills as a cadet at the Air Force Academy.

 

[Capt MJ]

What is the prompt?

There is no need to relate this situation with all the literary additions, though you don’t want to be blah and colorless. Just a straightforward response to the prompt - ATFQ - narrated in the same way you would respond in a 1:1 situation with a verbal response. Organize with the CCAR or STAR outline, Context, Challenge, Actions, Results or Situation, Task, Actions, Results. Straightforward, meaning you don’t really need to embellish with “one fateful night” and similar literary flourishes.

You have some word usages that are unusual and come across as awkward. “Grateful misadventure” - your misadventure was grateful? “Persevere through plight.” “Floating down backroads.” “Harsh truth of immobility.” The mood-setting language distracts from the actual story. Fixing a car by moonlight? No use of digital phone flashlight by a digital native, no online manual? How does wanting to overcome and persevere make you unique compared to other candidates?

A standard recommendation- go to an English teacher and ask for specific feedback on both technical and literary aspects of your approach.

Read it aloud to a trusted friend. If they start laughing, your tone is off.

You have the makings of a good response. Keep at it. Think about the lessons learned in thoroughly researching a situation, planning for adverse events in advance, thinking strategically, reconciling vision with reality. Taking a situation like this - a foreseeably unreliable old car - and applying executive thinking and leadership skills to analyze, problem-solve and resolve, plus identifying lessons learned, would demonstrate your unique military-like approach to an everyday broken car problem.

And, my first car was a 1977 Triumph TR-7. Nitro yellow. Those cars are a hard ride. No floating. And it was a royal mechanical pain. But I loved it.

 

[Academician]

For other's reading this entry, the prompt is: "What makes you a unique candidate for the summer seminar program?" with a 1500 character limit. As @Capt MJ noted, your prose are a bit 'over the top' -- but you are very good writer, so just make the adjustments. Your story and your experience with the Spitfire are relevant so use you as intended. Note that only a few will be selected for AFASS, so don't be disappointed if you are not invited.

By the way, there are other great ways to see the Academy. One good route is by attending one of the USAFA summer sports camps. Many of my students have participated in them across all of the SAs. Students stay in the dorms, eat in the mess hall, meet cadets and staff, and they also work with the coaching staff. Good luck!

 

[pv123]

I strongly concur with Capt MJ. Like your first essay, why are you writing with such a literary style? USAFA is not Brown University:/ Getting accepted for SS will not matter for an appointment to USAFA, but your attack on the actual essay prompts for USAFA application will matter

 

[ApplicationWarrior]

What is the prompt?

There is no need to relate this situation with all the literary additions, though you don’t want to be blah and colorless. Just a straightforward response to the prompt - ATFQ - narrated in the same way you would respond in a 1:1 situation with a verbal response. Organize with the CCAR or STAR outline, Context, Challenge, Actions, Results or Situation, Task, Actions, Results. Straightforward, meaning you don’t really need to embellish with “one fateful night” and similar literary flourishes.

You have some word usages that are unusual and come across as awkward. “Grateful misadventure” - your misadventure was grateful? “Persevere through plight.” “Floating down backroads.” “Harsh truth of immobility.” The mood-setting language distracts from the actual story. Fixing a car by moonlight? No use of digital phone flashlight by a digital native, no online manual? How does wanting to overcome and persevere make you unique compared to other candidates?

A standard recommendation- go to an English teacher and ask for specific feedback on both technical and literary aspects of your approach.

Read it aloud to a trusted friend. If they start laughing, your tone is off.

You have the makings of a good response. Keep at it. Think about the lessons learned in thoroughly researching a situation, planning for adverse events in advance, thinking strategically, reconciling vision with reality. Taking a situation like this - a foreseeably unreliable old car - and applying executive thinking and leadership skills to analyze, problem-solve and resolve, plus identifying lessons learned, would demonstrate your unique military-like approach to an everyday broken car problem.

And, my first car was a 1977 Triumph TR-7. Nitro yellow. Those cars are a hard ride. No floating. And it was a royal mechanical pain. But I loved it.

Thanks for the advice. I've rewritten it to better follow the STAR method. I combined the situation and task, but I think it works a little better that way. I also removed the awkward language. I am still a little hung up on how I should end my essay, however, as I am not really sure how much I should talk in retrospect about the event. I was also a little iffy about keeping the hook but I think its fine for an intro.

Here's what I have:
People often dream about floating down backroads in their vintage vehicles, however, when you’re stranded on the side of a state route at 8:30 on a school night, you’ll have your second thoughts. In July of last year, I purchased a beat-up 1977 Triumph Spitfire as a project to fix up. As I drove with my brother around the town one night, the engine coughed and sputtered until it finally quit. As I pulled over with steam pouring out, the harsh reality of my immobility sunk in.
I pulled out an old oil-soaked manual and I began understanding the issue at hand. I drew out a plan of the steps we would need to get the car back on the road. Firstly, after quickly learning the possible causes from the manual, I instructed my brother on how to inspect the engine for each fault. I demonstrated each possible issue to him, and as a team, we set off to inspect each detail of the engine. After a long search, we found the burst coolant line that caused our leak. Using the few spares we had with us, I led my brother in quickly designing a patch to seal the hole in our line. After screwing on our patch, we slowly limped our car back home.
After our incident on the road, I learned to create a contingency plan for each trip on the road in our car. Before each road trip, I also inspect my car for faults that may lead to issues, and I can better predict and solve problems before they begin to materialize By carrying the knowledge and tools to overcome an issue on the road, I can safely make it home no matter the issue. Additionally, with my countless adverse experiences on the road, I can now better assess the issues at hand. Although the issues with my car have not yet disappeared, my ability to adapt to the problems it creates has grown drastically. Due to what I have learned through my myriad of experiences on the road, my strategic quick-thinking, and leaderly problem-solving skills make me a unique candidate for the Air Force Academy.

Thanks again.