What do you think about my NROTC essay ideas?

[Alexis Hemeon]

I'm almost done with my NROTC application, except that I need to write my two essays. I have outlined ideas, but I need advice on which ideas are good and which ones to throw out. Thank you in advance!


Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Naval Nurse Officer. (Limit 2500 characters)
Ideas:
-To take care of the sick and wounded:
--Military personnel (Navy and Marines) and their families
--Humanitarian relief efforts
--Participate in outreach programs
-To have people in my charge whom I can ensure will do the same (see above)
-To have the opportunity to be either on a ship or stationed anywhere in the world
-To serve in something bigger than myself
-Cousin enlisted, neighbor an officer in reserves, grandfather WWII vet, great uncle
-Something less than 1% of people do
-To not only gain world-class experience, but to make a positive contribution
-I love health care (nutrition, anatomy, etc.)
-Nursing has many options and specialties
-To challenge myself and step out of my comfort zone

How might your background and experiences enhance the U.S. Naval Service? (Recommended, Limit 2500 characters)
Ideas:
-Determined to be in the Navy (if not NROTC, then the Nurse Candidate Program)
-Volunteering experience plays well with Nursing (helping people)
-Find leadership, motivation, judgment, initiative, integrity, etc. examples
--Work: determined to dishwash and work on the line despite gender
---Trained multiple employees
---Held 4 year job during school with no hiatus
---In charge of an entire market, opening and closing
--Physical: yoga, taekwondo, swimming, biking
---Physically trained with the marines (guest at Initial Strength Test)
---Physically demanding job, other people quit during service
---(Synchronized swimming and gymnastics?)
--Other: Changed what was in the school vending machines
---Warmed up school chorus on the piano in place of teacher
---Taken charge in group situations
---Maintain equality in school yearbook
---Organized communications for Youth Group and School announcements
---Robotics treasurer (manage money and set up fundraisers)
---Tutoring a freshman in Spanish
--Home: Father is blue collar (blue collar values)
---Mother is white collar (white collar values)
---Went to Guatemala when 16 by myself
---Brought up with a world view (Berta), so prepared, bilingual
---Instilled with compassion to benefit the Nurse Corps
---Translated for people in Ecuador and Dominican Republic

 

[Thompson]

Well I can tell you; speaking for the first essay - perhaps you should also include WHY you want to you join the Navy. I think that it would be to your advantage to state that you want to join the Navy, don't you? Although this essay addresses your desire to be a nurse, it is also largely about your desire, your passion to join the Navy, to be apart of something special. You haven't really made a clear emphasis on this idea - at least that is what it looks like to me - unless it is the people you know who have served, if that is the case, really drive that point home.

In my opinion, sure it is great that you want to become a Nurse. But at the end of the day, there are thousands of people who want to do that. What makes you different from the rest is that you want to be part of that < 1% who wants to proudly take a stand for the protection of the American people. And personally, that's why I think this is also an important part to the essay. Don't get me wrong - the nursing part is the main subject, but don't forget to include that the Navy is something you hold very near and dear to your heart. That you aren't just some other kid looking for free education.

Well, that's my half a cent to ya.

Best of luck!

 

[Alexis Hemeon]

Thank you for your response Thompson!

As this was only a list of ideas, they weren't very detailed, so I can see where you're coming from when you say I'm not saying WHY I want to join the navy. I'll try to expand on some of the ideas now, and maybe it will be more relevant to the prompt?

-To take care of the sick and wounded:
--Military personnel (Navy and Marines) and their families
--Humanitarian relief efforts
--Participate in outreach programs

I want to take care of military personnel specifically because they take care of the rest of us. They fight to keep America free, and I deeply respect. The best way to do this would be a nurse in the Navy itself. Not only do I want to treat our troops, but participate in humanitarian efforts. I would like to join the Navy because it is involved in many more humanitarian relief efforts in comparison with other branches, and our Navy is the best force for good in America. I believe that being a part of the Navy will give me an opportunity to effect the lives of others in a positive way.

-To have people in my charge whom I can ensure will do the same (see above)

I have leadership capability, and therefore, I want to lead others. The Navy will not only allow me to use my leadership skills, but build upon them.

-To have the opportunity to be either on a ship or stationed anywhere in the world

I believe that seeing the world is really important for one's personal growth, and the Navy will allow me to do that. I'm fluent in Spanish, so not only do I have that to offer, but I feel that the Navy will provide me with opportunities to occasionally use that skill. Also, because the Navy travels a lot, I will, at least occasionally, be able to further my own personal growth by being exposed to different cultures

-To serve in something bigger than myself

I think that's pretty self explanatory. By being in the Navy, I will be able to help the other great men and women who serve this country.

-Cousin enlisted, neighbor an officer in reserves, grandfather WWII vet, great uncle

These were the people that started pointing me in the Naval direction. I became interested in the Navy because they exposed me to the idea.

-Something less than 1% of people do

The life of military personnel is more sacrificing than the life of someone who works at a civilian job. I want to challenge myself in my life, and I feel like the Navy will give me that opportunity.

-To not only gain world-class experience, but to make a positive contribution

The Navy would put me right out into the field. Military personnel are respected figures, and I would like to become who I respect.



Do you think these are relevant reasons to want to join the Navy? I've wanted to join ever since middle school. If I don't get the scholarship, then I'm planning to do the Nurse Candidate Program in college.

Please please please feel free to harshly criticize my ideas. It'll just make a better essay in the long run. Thanks!

 

[USMCGrunt]

Alexis, I recommend you search this from regarding essays - there is an awful lot of good guidance to learn from

In general, make sure you make them personal rather than repeat slogans or cite things that many could cite. Make sure they speak to your particular strengths and what you can offer the Navy.

Write a draft, a second and then a third draft. Seek review and input from English teachers, your military contacts and trusted advisors

Good luck!

 

[USMCGrunt]

Thompson, sent you PM

 

[Thompson]

All very, very solid reasons! However - to me (personally), I still feel as if you're still missing that certain "oomph" factor if you know what I am saying; you have multiple reasons why you want to join the Navy, but just not that one that tops it all. Keep in mind, this is how I would do it - don't feel the need to copy exactly as I did if you don't want to.

Okay; so lets flip it around to my end now. I am going to give a LOT of my credit to my Aunt when I say this (who by the way, very harshly criticized me haha - but it was worth the learning experience). In my opinion, I think the best way is to have that one really, really big reason "WHY" - not saying that all the other reasons are invalid, just that I guess you could say, it's how you will be known - for "reason X". Point in case, I thought about it long and hard of "WHY" I want to join the Military. I found the answer - because of my Uncle. He's currently an Army MAJ down in Ft. Sam Houston (he is in the medical branch) - major medical base. Besides the point; anyways I went on to saying the reason for my interest in the Military is due to the dedication and sacrifices my uncle made. He deployed 4 times (thankfully he made it out each time safe and sound) and he lives separated from his wife. His DEDICATION to his Military; his Country - is what motivates me to be all that I can be, and inspired me to join. Of course I had several other points of "WHY", but this was my main point.

The key here is - emphasis. During my interviews (which was very successful)I made sure that I mentioned that several times; that I really drove that point home. Now, don't mention it to the point that that's all the topic becomes - but just enough to stress the point. So, if you could mention the main point maybe twice/thrice(?) in the essay great! BUT, it's your essay write the way you write!! Don't write it like me!!

... hope this makes sense.

... two last quickies I wanted to point out.

When you said: "I would like to join the Navy because it is involved in many more humanitarian relief efforts in comparison with other branches, and our Navy is the best force for good in America."
Now, I do not know if this is wrong - and I'm not saying you should not say this or that it is wrong to say this; but I will caution you with your wording. The one thing that I have learned is to be careful with "extreme wording" ("many more", "best force"). Basically, use extreme caution with these types of wording - you can dig yourself a hole, or open up a whole nother can of worms that you do want to be doing.

Point and case:
During my AF interview, as one of the reasons why I liked the AF; I mentioned that I liked how the AF has a particular emphasis on education; educating Airmen. Never during that discussion did I say "particular emphasis on education over other branches." One - I didn't want to bash other branches (they are all equally as great ); and two - the interviewer could go on and ask "what do you mean by 'the AF emphasizes education over other branches?" I would have been digging my own grave there.

When you mentioned: "I have leadership capability, and therefore, I want to lead others. The Navy will not only allow me to use my leadership skills, but build upon them."
It is a very good start ... but it's missing that "WHY" part.

Example:
Why do you want to join the Navy?
Umm .. because I want to I suppose.

(answer rephrased) Well, I want to join the Navy because of X,Y, and Z.
Now I'm not saying that's what you did, but just to give you an example.

My friend & current AFA cadet (freshman) made something very clear to me about the ROTC (and to include SAs) process. The bulk of the process is about answering the "WHY" question; it is about reflecting upon yourself as a LEADER to see the judgements that you've made; the mistakes & successes you have had, and how to learn from it. And I agree with him 100% of the way on that.

I will leave you with one last bit here; that goes beyond ROTC (and applies to life itself), that I did not figure out myself -- until I had that time to reflect.

Being a leader is more than just being the one on top giving orders. It's a lot more than that. YOU the leader are in that position, and is empowered in that way for a very good reason. Leaders know when to talk, and when to let others talk. The subordinates under you hold you to the highest degree, therefore gaining their trust and respect for you. MORE IMPORTANTLY, leaders are teachers of life; mentors. Those under you look up to you for advice and guidance.

Haven't figured it all out yet; but this is what I have found to be true. Still searching for the meaning of life - if you find the answer, by all means, please let me know.

Hope this helps!

 

[Darrowboat]

My advice could be summed in a few points:

-Be honest in everything you write/say to them.
-Don't stress out about this TOO much.
-Don't feed them generic answers.
-Try to make yourself stand out somehow. Only you know yourself, we can't tell you what is special about you because we don't know you.
-They want quality over quantity. It is great to have lots of reasons for signing yourself up but if nothing stands out then you won't stand out.

For my first essay, I basically only covered one point. I wrote the whole thing over how much I admired and respected self-sacrifice and how becoming a Marine Corps Officer would allow me to make my own self-sacrifice.

I can PM you my essays if you'd like. Ever thankfully, I was awarded a scholarship from the first board.