NROTC Essay?

Discussion in 'ROTC' started by mav1971kit, Jun 24, 2015.

  1. mav1971kit

    mav1971kit Member

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    Hi,

    Mind if I can have some critiques on this essay for the NROTC scholarship? This was the essay I used last year, but I'm not exactly sure on how to improve it. If worst comes to worst, I'm completely prepared to scrap this one in favor of another version of this essay, which I'm currently working on.

    Also, on a slightly unrelated note, I want to apply for the scholarship as early as possible, but I'm afraid that I won't be able to get in contact with my teachers for their recommendations until late August/Early September. After I get those in, how long will it take until interviews are scheduled? I really want to be in by the first few review board meetings.

    Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer. Specifically comment on leadership positions you've held, the challenges you have faced and the lessons you have learned.

    (2500 characters/400 Words)

    **Deletion requested**
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 26, 2015
  2. Spud

    Spud BGO

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    Way to go. You have just given your competition a ready made essay (with a little cut and pasting) to take your spot away. Or better yet, if the two essays come before the same board members they will recognize plagiarism and both (or several of you) will scrapped.

    Very nice essay, too.
     
  3. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    I agree with Spud and add one more thing....

    Do you know the academic background of every poster that may decide to critique your essay? There are sophomores in HS here. Basically it could be the blind leading the blind. This is an anonymous forum.

    I have read posters state my English teacher doesn't know anything about the military, thus I came here. The reality is, you don't need to know anything about the Navy. Your job is to capture the attention of the reader, while being grammatically correct.
    ~ In HS I had a teacher that said to our class: Your job is to teach me something in your essay.

    Take it to your English teacher for editing.
    ~ It maybe my generation, but every single teacher would have hit the red pen on any sentence that started with the word BUT.

    I am with Spud, nice essay. It grabbed my attention. Critique wise...you need to re-edit.
     
  4. mav1971kit

    mav1971kit Member

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    Alright, sorry about that. Is there anyway I (or a mod) can edit the thread?
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2015
  5. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    No need to apologize. The reality is you have a trusting nature, and that is great. You want to get in front of this, that is great too.

    We are just saying you maybe opening a can of worms that you never saw because you don't see the negative side of social media.

    I highly doubt plagiarism will be an issue. I do believe from experience here that there will be candidates posting here and critiquing your essay. I have seen it every year. If you knew the poster was your exact same age, would you take their advice regarding your essay?

    I do see issues in your essay, but it is more grammatical. A clean sweep from a person that grades essays for a living will make it stronger.

    IE:
    Is that 2 thoughts? To me it is. It would be considered in my day a run-on sentence.

    I would re-read this again.
     
  6. txpotato

    txpotato Member

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    I'd be careful asking posters to critique your work. There are some that don't know the difference between then and than.
     
  7. Seawings18

    Seawings18 Member

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    +1 to Spud; there are some who would be more than happy to copy your essay from this posting and use it in their own application. Be careful putting your own work out freely on the internet; although not secret, sensitive information, seeing an applicant's essay on a forum for all to see brings the term OPSEC to mind.
     
  8. Midwest

    Midwest Member

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    I concur with most of the feedback posted here.

    Sometimes I like to challenge people when they write or say "to be honest with you." I usually laugh and ask if they are normally dishonest. It is a phrase that somehow seems out of place in an academy essay.

    Ok...just one of my rants. Hope your essay writing goes well.
     
  9. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    Are you my BFF in NC?

    My BFF that I met 20 years ago still teases me to this day because I always say "to be honest with you"

    Her response is always:
    No, Pima be dishonest with me!

    I also am known to say the whole 9 yards, and my friends always reply that they want 10 yards!:wiggle:
     
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  10. mav1971kit

    mav1971kit Member

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    Nah, Washingtonian here. :)

    The "to be honest" thing is a bit of a bad habit that I need to sake off.
     
  11. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    I am 50, and now embrace the teasing. I have been told by my close friends I have 3 statements.
    1. To be honest
    2. Whole 9 yards
    3. Bullet, honey

    Embrace it!
     
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  12. mav1971kit

    mav1971kit Member

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    Of course. :) I can't really see myself living life happily without laughing at myself from time to time.
     
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