Please Don't Be That Parent

Padre101

Padre101

Parent
5-Year Member
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Last week, my DS's good friend, who is applying to the Naval Academy, went to visit the Admissions Office to resolve an issue with her transcripts (she went to several high schools overseas as an Air Force brat). While she was in the waiting area which is next to the receptionist's desk, she could overhear the phone calls to the Admissions Office receptionist.

This is some of what she heard.
----
First Caller: My son just got his congressional nomination. When will he receive his appointment in the mail?

Receptionist: Receiving his nomination is one step in the process. His application will be reviewed by an Admissions Board once it is complete.

First Caller: You mean an appointment isn't automatic?!?

------

Second Caller: My daughter just finished first place in a regional cross country meet and is the number one runner in our county. Can I speak to the women's cross country coach.

Receptionist: [Gives the number for the coach.] Please have your daughter contact the coach.

-----

In both cases, the receptionist asked for the name of the candidate, which she punched into a computer, and annotated some notes. The friend believes (can't be certain) that the receptionist was writing "Parent called in."

The friend could not believe parents would have the audacity to call the Admissions Office directly on behalf of their child. It's the candidates' job to contact Admissions. Talk about Helicopter Parents.
 
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Padre101 said:
Last week, my DS's good friend, who is applying to the Naval Academy, went to visit the Admissions Office to resolve an issue with her transcripts (she went to several high schools overseas as an Air Force brat). While she was in the waiting area which is next to the receptionist's desk, she could overhear the phone calls to the Admissions Office receptionist.

This is some of what she heard.
----
First Caller: My son just got his congressional nomination. When will he receive his appointment in the mail?

Receptionist: Receiving his nomination is one step in the process. His application will be reviewed by an Admissions Board once it is complete.

First Caller: You mean an appointment isn't automatic?!?

------

Second Caller: My daughter just finished first place in a regional cross country meet and is the number one runner in our county. Can I speak to the women's cross country coach.

Receptionist: [Gives the number for the coach.] Please have your daughter contact the coach.

-----

In both cases, the receptionist asked for the name of the candidate, which she punched into a computer, and annotated some notes. The friend believes (can't be certain) that the receptionist was writing "Parent called in."

The friend could not believe parents would have the audacity to call the Admissions Office directly on behalf of their child. It's the candidates' job to contact Admissions. Talk about Helicopter Parents.
Click to expand...

Padre, no worries. Some people will be defensive because of the truth in your words.

Those same parents may someday have a 35 year old living in their basement, eating their food, and happily riding along on their cell phone plan.

Teaching your kid independence is a good thing, even if it is harder on the parent than the kid sometimes.
 
Padre101 said:
Last week, my DS's good friend, who is applying to the Naval Academy, went to visit the Admissions Office to resolve an issue with her transcripts (she went to several high schools overseas as an Air Force brat). While she was in the waiting area which is next to the receptionist's desk, she could overhear the phone calls to the Admissions Office receptionist.

This is some of what she heard.
----
First Caller: My son just got his congressional nomination. When will he receive his appointment in the mail?

Receptionist: Receiving his nomination is one step in the process. His application will be reviewed by an Admissions Board once it is complete.

First Caller: You mean an appointment isn't automatic?!?

------

Second Caller: My daughter just finished first place in a regional cross country meet and is the number one runner in our county. Can I speak to the women's cross country coach.

Receptionist: [Gives the number for the coach.] Please have your daughter contact the coach.

-----

In both cases, the receptionist asked for the name of the candidate, which she punched into a computer, and annotated some notes. The friend believes (can't be certain) that the receptionist was writing "Parent called in."

The friend could not believe parents would have the audacity to call the Admissions Office directly on behalf of their child. It's the candidates' job to contact Admissions. Talk about Helicopter Parents.
Click to expand...
In other words "they have no idea".
 
To put this all in context . . . the main reason people leave SAs voluntarily is that they didn't want to be there in the first place. Sometimes, it's a decision that comes over time -- the kid wants to go to a SA and then, once there, realizes it isn't for him/her. But just as often (if not more often), the kid is attending the SA b/c a parent is "encouraging" (read, coercing) him/her to do so. The kid doesn't really want to attend the SA or agrees to attend to please the parent. In many, if not most, of these cases, the kid is going to end up quitting.

It's very hard to detect whether a kid is being "encouraged" by parents to attend since most aren't dumb enough to admit it to the BGO or MOC nom committee. One indicator is when the parent is doing all of the "legwork," such as calling admissions or coaches instead of the kid doing it him/herself. I hear parents all the time say how busy their kid is. I guarantee that the kid has time to text his friends, play with her cellphone, etc., and the SAs know this.

As a parent, you're not helping your child gain admission to a SA by doing things that your child should be doing for him/herself. You are actually hurting his/her chances.

Be supportive in as many ways as you can, but let your child take the lead in dealing with Admissions, MOC nominations personnel, the BGO/ALO, coaches, etc. And, if perchance, your kid isn't sufficiently motivated to do so . . . that may say a lot about whether he/she really wants to attend a SA. And if your kid isn't the one who really wants to be there, chances are that he/she won't stay the course.
 
Our local WP parents club is full of "those" parents. Our son and a couple of others from our state have been excused from classes Thanksgiving week to come home early to hold briefings for candidates in their respective areas. Each cadet had to set up five local events as part of this privilege. According to our son, his buddy's mother took it upon herself to set them up because her cadet "is just so busy." We stopped attending those meetings long ago.
 
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VelveteenR said:
Our local WP parents club is full of "those" parents. Our son and a couple of others from our state have been excused from classes Thanksgiving week to come home early to hold briefings for candidates in their respective areas. Each cadet had to set up five local events as part of this privilege. According to our son, his buddy's mother took it upon herself to set them up because her cadet "is just so busy." We stopped attending those meetings long ago.
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USCGA has a similar parent's association and they operation a private message board for parents to use to contact one another, announcement major events, etc. Well, as you can imagine, it gets plenty of traffic during Swab Summer as parents try to look for all kinds of information. When we were able to get on a computer during math class during the summer, one of the swabs in my company had access to their parent's account. There were pictures upon pictures that were taken as though someone had stood behind the gate as swabs marched by or they were near trees or other ridiculous things. We called them stalker photos. As soon as my swab summer was over, my parents dropped that message board very quickly. For two career members of the Air Force with almost 70+ years of combined federal service who started at Lackland AFB, they couldn't believe the steps parents took to be overly involved in their kid's lives.

As a side note, there is a HUGE difference between being a "loving" parent and a helicopter, overly-concerned parent. My parents love me very much but they never would have contacted Admissions or anyone else on my behalf. This was an adult decision to make, I was expected to act like an adult and get everything done.

I know I'm not a parent but I've seen plenty of classmates come and go because they were pushed into an SA by a parent. I've had kids breakdown crying during the AIM Summer Seminar program and Swab Summer as a cadre and command staff because they had no desire to be there and were forced into it by their parents.
 
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As a college professor who has spent time assisting Admissions, I feel a need to add 2 cents. . . . .

Unless the applicant is incapacitated in some fashion (and being “too busy” doesn’t count), a parent should NEVER initiate contact with the college/university for any reason. Parent communication on behalf of a soon-to-be-adult looks bad on everyone involved and most definitely sends the wrong message. Not all universities will make note of the interference but some most certainly do.

If there is some critical question where the parent wants official feedback (student safety concern, financial aid issue, etc.), then the student should initiate the call and conference-in the parents.
 
Padre101 said:
Last week, my DS's good friend, who is applying to the Naval Academy, went to visit the Admissions Office to resolve an issue with her transcripts (she went to several high schools overseas as an Air Force brat). While she was in the waiting area which is next to the receptionist's desk, she could overhear the phone calls to the Admissions Office receptionist.

This is some of what she heard.
----
First Caller: My son just got his congressional nomination. When will he receive his appointment in the mail?

Receptionist: Receiving his nomination is one step in the process. His application will be reviewed by an Admissions Board once it is complete.

First Caller: You mean an appointment isn't automatic?!?

------

Second Caller: My daughter just finished first place in a regional cross country meet and is the number one runner in our county. Can I speak to the women's cross country coach.

Receptionist: [Gives the number for the coach.] Please have your daughter contact the coach.

-----

In both cases, the receptionist asked for the name of the candidate, which she punched into a computer, and annotated some notes. The friend believes (can't be certain) that the receptionist was writing "Parent called in."

The friend could not believe parents would have the audacity to call the Admissions Office directly on behalf of their child. It's the candidates' job to contact Admissions. Talk about Helicopter Parents.
Click to expand...
Maplerock said:
Padre, no worries. Some people will be defensive because of the truth in your words.

Those same parents may someday have a 35 year old living in their basement, eating their food, and happily riding along on their cell phone plan.

Teaching your kid independence is a good thing, even if it is harder on the parent than the kid sometimes.
Click to expand...
You call hearsay from a high school kid eavesdropping "truth". What do you know about the word?
 
Alaskan said:
You call hearsay from a high school kid eavesdropping "truth". What do you know about the word?
Click to expand...

Not understanding your point. Why would there be any reason to doubt what the girl said. Did you want her to record the conversation for you to believe it???
 
Padre101 said:
Not understanding your point. Why would there be any reason to doubt what the girl said. Did you want her to record the conversation for you to believe it???
Click to expand...
You said "she wasn't sure". You don't repeat something that isn't confirmed sir. Or rather "can't be certain".
 
Alaskan said:
You said "she wasn't sure". You don't repeat something that isn't confirmed sir. Or rather "can't be certain".
Click to expand...

I am telling you what she said. She wasn't sure about what was typed into the computer. You can take for what is worth.

The information she provided us was helpful and instructive. It was my judgment that the overall story was worth sharing on the forum.

Like I said, you can put whatever weight you want to place on it. I don't know if there is a rule that absolute certainty is the standard for sharing.
 
usna1985 said:
To put this all in context . . . the main reason people leave SAs voluntarily is that they didn't want to be there in the first place. Sometimes, it's a decision that comes over time -- the kid wants to go to a SA and then, once there, realizes it isn't for him/her. But just as often (if not more often), the kid is attending the SA b/c a parent is "encouraging" (read, coercing) him/her to do so. The kid doesn't really want to attend the SA or agrees to attend to please the parent. In many, if not most, of these cases, the kid is going to end up quitting.

It's very hard to detect whether a kid is being "encouraged" by parents to attend since most aren't dumb enough to admit it to the BGO or MOC nom committee. One indicator is when the parent is doing all of the "legwork," such as calling admissions or coaches instead of the kid doing it him/herself. I hear parents all the time say how busy their kid is. I guarantee that the kid has time to text his friends, play with her cellphone, etc., and the SAs know this.

As a parent, you're not helping your child gain admission to a SA by doing things that your child should be doing for him/herself. You are actually hurting his/her chances.

Be supportive in as many ways as you can, but let your child take the lead in dealing with Admissions, MOC nominations personnel, the BGO/ALO, coaches, etc. And, if perchance, your kid isn't sufficiently motivated to do so . . . that may say a lot about whether he/she really wants to attend a SA. And if your kid isn't the one who really wants to be there, chances are that he/she won't stay the course.
Click to expand...
 
I think Douglas MaCarthur's mother staid at The Thayer for his four years. Rumor has it so she could see that his lights were on and he was on the books. As the wife of a MOA winner she probably got a discount. It sure worked as he does have a statue across the plain. First Father and Son to ever receive the Congressional Medal of Honor. Sometimes it works but don't go overboard.
 
While DD was home over fall break, she thanked us for not being "that parent." Homecoming at her school was the week before and sounds like the parents were out in force. Not that we wouldn't like to see her more often, but lucky for her we're not alumni and she's three states away (easier for her to come home than for us to go there).
 
As a former midshipman, I'd like to offer some thoughts:
I always thought it was weird how much the Academy promotes things like "Parent's Weekends." Many of the mids are the same age as enlisted marines or sailors going to basic training, and they are sent on deployments around the same age.

While I understand that the Academy is a college, it is a military college, and I don't think it does anybody good to dumb that part down. Yes they are your kids, but they are future officers, who will be leading other people's kids.

All of that to say, that while my parents weren't the reason I went, and they weren't the only reason I left, they definitely played a part.

Here is an old Navy Sports article on a distance runner on the track team. In a small way, the Coach here, Coach Cantello, shows the effects "the umbilical cord" can have on success. While a track race is not the same scale as future military operations, it does serve as an example of how parents think they may be helping their son or daughter, but are actually interfering with their success or efficiency.

EDIT
Here's the link: http://www.navysports.com/sports/m-xc/spec-rel/111907aaa.html
 
Story doesn't matter. The point is important. Parents should never be the ones calling USNA, BGOs, or Congressional staff.

And it's ridiculous in the first place. There is no way a high school student is "too busy" to make his own phone calls and manage his own applications. And if he is "too busy," he's not a good fit for the Academy. Everyone is busy, everyone is tired, everyone has duty, and no one will ever give any sympathy for those particular excuses. They're not too busy, they just have poor time management and organizational skills. Not a good start for a future officer, and folks in Admissions probably ride this same train of thought.

If they're actually afraid of making a phone call or sending an email and need mother to do it for them, they're really going to be in the wrong place.

If you are doing these things for them, know that this will be the perception.
 
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So much thoughtfulness here, interspersed with sheer trolling. WAY too much rushing to judgement and way too much condescending. You've no idea the age of the teenager in question nor do you know the student's schedule. (The thought that a bystander could hear both sides of the conversations is distressing and makes me wonder why the person did not feel awkward and move farther away, out of earshot. But that's another story.)

Initial contacts with college coaches often are made when the kid is 15 or 16 years old. Some kids are up to making those calls themselves and some are not. To assert without hesitation that the kid who isn't up to that phone call at the age of 15 is not Navy material is sheer nonsense. It reveals a complete lack of understanding that individuals develop at different rates. That same kid who would rather die than make that phone call at age 15 may be an Admiral one day. It is a rush to judgement to assert otherwise.

And many students who are in school and engaged in afterschool activities may simply not have the time during working hours to make these calls.

I too am a college professor. I wouldn't want the parent of a college student to contact me. But my job doesn't involve communications with teenagers so much younger than college age.

YES YES YES the military life requires independence and maturity, even beyond the individual's true age. But the sweeping critical assertions on this forum run the risk of undermining the extraordinary positives this forum has to offer. There are many other, more positive ways to make these same points without posting in such patronizing tones. Hint; talking about "those parents" in such sweeping terms (even one of the poster's child was so familiar with the parent using such terminology that she used it back to her parent showing that she heard it alot from that parent.........this conveys a hyper critical attitude.

That is the only message I am trying to convey. Watch your words. Be careful with your attitude. Those of you with experience under your belt have so much to offer the rest of us. Don't chase us away with the negativity. Don't tell us that if we don't like your tone, then....we must be "that parent" too! Eegads. If you want your words heard, then control the tone of the message. You will reach more people with more thoughtful wording.
 
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