Interpreting Wife-Speak

Wishful

Wishful

"Land of the free, because of the brave..."
10-Year Member
Joined
Dec 12, 2012
Messages
2,253
I’ve been married 29+ years so most times I can interpret Mrs. Wishful’s wife-speak in my head usually w/o thinking. However, sometimes I get thrown a curve so I thought I’d help any young husbands who might have someone at home who speaks like my Blushing Bride. SInce the Queen’s Gambit show on Netflix is popular, I’d thought I would throw in some chess references when I can...just for fun!! Anyway here goes:


Vignette #1 Blushing Bride (BB) is at home & askes the following: “Honey, could you get me the thing over there next to the other thing?” Of course there is no direction provided, not even a head nod. This occurs 2-3X’s a week & is widely regarded as a tactic to keep me focused & engaged in the marriage process. I call it the Queen’s Are-You-Paying-Attention-To-Me-Opening. My counter usually is the Confused Husband’s Parry, “You mean this thing over here?” Always hoping for a good guess, but hope is not a plan & alas, mine is to no avail.

Vignette #2: BB, like a lot of us got into baking this year & fell in love with the NYT Plum Torte Recipe (link below). It’s published annually since 1985, easy & tastes great with any fruit as a filler. BB asked me to go out & buy some plums. However, as she cut the 1st one open a white-colored interior was revealed. “You bought white-fleshed plums... I wanted the red ones...You bought plum prunes!” Folks I was heretofore unaware as to the different colors of a plums’ insides, but I now know exactly what plums all those prunes you see on the store’s shelves started out as! The Husband-What -Were-You-Thinking?-move; sadly my most-common one!

Vignette #3: BB is dressed for work. She’s a health professional who now wears scrubs to work changing into civilian clothes for home. The scrubs are a washed-out light green color & she has a gray jacket on for it’s a rainy day. BB puts on a pair of ankle high gray boots suede/nu-buck material & asks, “Do you think these boots match my jacket or do you think the other pair does?” Next to her is a pair of ankle high suede/nu-buck boots, gray, but 1 shade darker w/small rhinestones embedded. I say, “I like the pair you’re wearing”...
Now folks this is absolutely the worst answer out of all the wrong possible answers. This was a rookie mistake & I could hardly believe I said it, but those were the words that came out of my mouth. This set’s one up for so many Queen’s Unhappy-Wife’s Offensives. To name just a few:
  • What don’t you like about the other pair?
  • Why do you like this pair?
  • You just said that to get me out of the house on time (Now how could she even think that?)
  • Are you even looking at this pair?
  • Are you even looking at the other pair?

Well folks I girded my loins for the next move when BB came out of nowhere with the Queen’s Crushing Offense & I quote: “I don’t want to wear the pair that’s not going to get messed up!”
??? The correct answer is easy of course to you veterans of marriage, but when you’re dealing in real-time & can’t read it? I did not have that luxury so I countered with the Polish Weak Husband Defense: “So you want to wear the pair that’s going to get messed up?” Great counter I thought, but alas I got an even quicker move, “Yes”. ???

So there you have it; I hope these can assist some of you young spouses with your interpretations of wife-speak.
I was going to get into the “Do these jeans make look fat” scenario but to be honest, I’m a little mentally drained from recalling these situations. If any other posters want to pick up this gauntlet, please do!

PS: If you’re getting outplayed; if you’re on the back foot when she says, “What do you think of this blouse?” You can play the Husband Stall which goes, “You’re not wearing any jewelry; how can I be expected to make an informed decision? I need the accessories, all of them, the shoes, etc. before I can even begin to comment.” This Stall may, may, buy you some time to regroup your thoughts then again if you’re like me,...probably not...

cooking.nytimes.com

Original Plum Torte Recipe

The Times published Marian Burros’s recipe for Plum Torte every September from 1983 until 1989, when the editors determined that enough was enough The recipe was to be printed for the last time that year “To counter anticipated protests,” Ms
cooking.nytimes.com cooking.nytimes.com
 
Since it is time for family get-togethers and new year coming up, there are talks of weight mgmt/reduction in the house. Be careful when the DW asks if she is ok to try this piece of yummy cake laden with chocolate, sugar and nuts. No matter what you answer, you will get a push-back. ;)
 
This had me LMAO.

From the other side of the chessboard:
DH: “A button needs to be sewn back on this back pants pocket,” while looking at me.
Me:
(Thinking, “Well, someone needs to ask me to do it.”)
Me: (smiling)
DH: “Would you mind doing it, you know I’m not the best at buttons, when it’s convenient, thank you.” (benefiting from 35+ years of marriage)

Another one.
We long ago figured out our concepts of time were different. If he said we were leaving around 7 PM, in my mind that’s between 6:55 and 7:05. When he’s jingling the car keys in his hand behind me at 6:30 PM, that did not end well. We solved that years ago by me asking “What time do you want to be in the car and rolling, and what clock are we using?”
But - I haven’t yet solved the one where we are agreed to leave the house at a certain time, and I am on track on my timeline of shower, hair, make-up, dressing, general self-titivation, ensuring I have what I need for where we are going, putting water in the dogs’ bowl, etc. Then there is The Interruption To Find/Do/Decide Something. “Honey, have you seen/where can I find the USNA cufflinks, fresh mask, address, which tie should I wear, my favorite belt, etc.” I drop everything I’m doing to solve whatever. Upon departure, DH fatally comments we are 10 minutes later leaving than we agreed on.
 
Capt MJ said:
We long ago figured out our concepts of time were different. If he said we were leaving around 7 PM, in my mind that’s between 6:55 and 7:05. When he’s jingling the car keys in his hand behind me at 6:30 PM, that did not end well. We solved that years ago by me asking “What time do you want to be in the car and rolling, and what clock are we using?”
Click to expand...
Story of our household and I am the culprit who is ready with keys in hand at 6p
 
Capt MJ said:
This had me LMAO.

From the other side of the chessboard:
DH: “A button needs to be sewn back on this back pants pocket,” while looking at me.
Me:
(Thinking, “Well, someone needs to ask me to do it.”)
Me: (smiling)
DH: “Would you mind doing it, you know I’m not the best at buttons, when it’s convenient, thank you.” (benefiting from 35+ years of marriage)

Another one.
We long ago figured out our concepts of time were different. If he said we were leaving around 7 PM, in my mind that’s between 6:55 and 7:05. When he’s jingling the car keys in his hand behind me at 6:30 PM, that did not end well. We solved that years ago by me asking “What time do you want to be in the car and rolling, and what clock are we using?”
But - I haven’t yet solved the one where we are agreed to leave the house at a certain time, and I am on track on my timeline of shower, hair, make-up, dressing, general self-titivation, ensuring I have what I need for where we are going, putting water in the dogs’ bowl, etc. Then there is The Interruption To Find/Do/Decide Something. “Honey, have you seen/where can I find the USNA cufflinks, fresh mask, address, which tie should I wear, my favorite belt, etc.” I drop everything I’m doing to solve whatever. Upon departure, DH fatally comments we are 10 minutes later leaving than we agreed on.
Click to expand...

No matter how we dislike the rules of chess, that last one is on you. Men need help.
 
1. Get everything near the time, and bring it all to her.

2. I will go back and get the other ones. I specifically asked the worker which one was the right one, and they clearly screwed up. I am tempted to write management.

3. I love all your shoes and clothes. It makes it tough which one to pick. I was going to say the other one.
 
Wishful said:
I’ve been married 29+ years so most times I can interpret Mrs. Wishful’s wife-speak in my head usually w/o thinking. However, sometimes I get thrown a curve so I thought I’d help any young husbands who might have someone at home who speaks like my Blushing Bride. SInce the Queen’s Gambit show on Netflix is popular, I’d thought I would throw in some chess references when I can...just for fun!! Anyway here goes:


Vignette #1 Blushing Bride (BB) is at home & askes the following: “Honey, could you get me the thing over there next to the other thing?” Of course there is no direction provided, not even a head nod. This occurs 2-3X’s a week & is widely regarded as a tactic to keep me focused & engaged in the marriage process. I call it the Queen’s Are-You-Paying-Attention-To-Me-Opening. My counter usually is the Confused Husband’s Parry, “You mean this thing over here?” Always hoping for a good guess, but hope is not a plan & alas, mine is to no avail.

Vignette #2: BB, like a lot of us got into baking this year & fell in love with the NYT Plum Torte Recipe (link below). It’s published annually since 1985, easy & tastes great with any fruit as a filler. BB asked me to go out & buy some plums. However, as she cut the 1st one open a white-colored interior was revealed. “You bought white-fleshed plums... I wanted the red ones...You bought plum prunes!” Folks I was heretofore unaware as to the different colors of a plums’ insides, but I now know exactly what plums all those prunes you see on the store’s shelves started out as! The Husband-What -Were-You-Thinking?-move; sadly my most-common one!

Vignette #3: BB is dressed for work. She’s a health professional who now wears scrubs to work changing into civilian clothes for home. The scrubs are a washed-out light green color & she has a gray jacket on for it’s a rainy day. BB puts on a pair of ankle high gray boots suede/nu-buck material & asks, “Do you think these boots match my jacket or do you think the other pair does?” Next to her is a pair of ankle high suede/nu-buck boots, gray, but 1 shade darker w/small rhinestones embedded. I say, “I like the pair you’re wearing”...
Now folks this is absolutely the worst answer out of all the wrong possible answers. This was a rookie mistake & I could hardly believe I said it, but those were the words that came out of my mouth. This set’s one up for so many Queen’s Unhappy-Wife’s Offensives. To name just a few:
  • What don’t you like about the other pair?
  • Why do you like this pair?
  • You just said that to get me out of the house on time (Now how could she even think that?)
  • Are you even looking at this pair?
  • Are you even looking at the other pair?

Well folks I girded my loins for the next move when BB came out of nowhere with the Queen’s Crushing Offense & I quote: “I don’t want to wear the pair that’s not going to get messed up!”
??? The correct answer is easy of course to you veterans of marriage, but when you’re dealing in real-time & can’t read it? I did not have that luxury so I countered with the Polish Weak Husband Defense: “So you want to wear the pair that’s going to get messed up?” Great counter I thought, but alas I got an even quicker move, “Yes”. ???

So there you have it; I hope these can assist some of you young spouses with your interpretations of wife-speak.
I was going to get into the “Do these jeans make look fat” scenario but to be honest, I’m a little mentally drained from recalling these situations. If any other posters want to pick up this gauntlet, please do!

PS: If you’re getting outplayed; if you’re on the back foot when she says, “What do you think of this blouse?” You can play the Husband Stall which goes, “You’re not wearing any jewelry; how can I be expected to make an informed decision? I need the accessories, all of them, the shoes, etc. before I can even begin to comment.” This Stall may, may, buy you some time to regroup your thoughts then again if you’re like me,...probably not...

cooking.nytimes.com

Original Plum Torte Recipe

The Times published Marian Burros’s recipe for Plum Torte every September from 1983 until 1989, when the editors determined that enough was enough The recipe was to be printed for the last time that year “To counter anticipated protests,” Ms
cooking.nytimes.com cooking.nytimes.com
Click to expand...
This is a great reminder tha some things are definitely better to ask anonymous message boarders vs the primary source.

Now to properly counter-attack, in order:
1) Remind her that memory is the 2nd thing to go with age.
2) Depending on her cooking, prunes just seemed more efficient.
3) Simply answer back that you agreed that the pair you picked should hopefully get messed up as soon as possible, then.
 
Capt MJ said:
Don’t jangle them. Or clear your throat. Or point out the time. Or, Interrupt Her Timeline.
Click to expand...

I’m clearly doing it wrong because I’m way past jangling the keys. I’m in the truck, engine running, and backed out of the garage and halfway down the driveway.

We have always blamed our different sense of time on our careers. Being in the Fire and EMS service for so many years, I consider anything more than 30 seconds out the door to be unacceptable. She is a scientist. She weighs every bit of information and different permutations before deciding on a course of action.

It’s been 33 years together so we’ve learned to accept the middle ground.

Stealth_81
 
A1Janitor said:
No matter how we dislike the rules of chess, that last one is on you. Men need help.
Click to expand...
I am more than happy to sew buttons or do chores not his favorite, and vice versa. Even after the 35+ years of marriage, I just want to be asked. I do resist saying snarkily, “Yes, I agree about the button.”

This also applies to “The dog just threw up his entire dinner on the carpet and it needs a clean-up.” Now, I am the acknowledged pro at cleaning up dog bio-messes of all kinds with tools and techniques, but it would go much better with “Rupert just puked his chow up over there. Would you do your usual magic? What can I get you from the cleaning cabinet or should I just pour you a glass of wine while you decide what you need?”
 
Capt MJ said:
I am more than happy to sew buttons or do chores not his favorite, and vice versa. Even after the 35+ years of marriage, I just want to be asked. I do resist saying snarkily, “Yes, I agree about the button.”

This also applies to “The dog just threw up his entire dinner on the carpet and it needs a clean-up.” Now, I am the acknowledged pro at cleaning up dog bio-messes of all kinds with tools and techniques, but it would go much better with “Rupert just puked his chow up over there. Would you do your usual magic? What can I get you from the cleaning cabinet or should I just pour you a glass of wine while you decide what you need?”
Click to expand...

Looks at watch.

Yes, it’s a little early. But wine is a great idea!

Lol I was more than happy to do dishes and cook in exchange for laundry. Can’t stand laundry.
 
Capt MJ said:
Don’t jangle them. Or clear your throat. Or point out the time. Or, Interrupt Her Timeline.
Click to expand...
My bride takes it a step further. Opening the garage door beforehand is seen as a sign of aggression. The master bath is directly above and she says the sound makes her anxious when she's getting ready. I am allowed to start the vehicle for climate adjustment. But don't continue to sit in said vehicle. We must all exit the home together.
 
Wishful said:
I’ve been married 29+ years so most times I can interpret Mrs. Wishful’s wife-speak in my head usually w/o thinking. However, sometimes I get thrown a curve so I thought I’d help any young husbands who might have someone at home who speaks like my Blushing Bride. SInce the Queen’s Gambit show on Netflix is popular, I’d thought I would throw in some chess references when I can...just for fun!! Anyway here goes:


Vignette #1 Blushing Bride (BB) is at home & askes the following: “Honey, could you get me the thing over there next to the other thing?” Of course there is no direction provided, not even a head nod. This occurs 2-3X’s a week & is widely regarded as a tactic to keep me focused & engaged in the marriage process. I call it the Queen’s Are-You-Paying-Attention-To-Me-Opening. My counter usually is the Confused Husband’s Parry, “You mean this thing over here?” Always hoping for a good guess, but hope is not a plan & alas, mine is to no avail.

Vignette #2: BB, like a lot of us got into baking this year & fell in love with the NYT Plum Torte Recipe (link below). It’s published annually since 1985, easy & tastes great with any fruit as a filler. BB asked me to go out & buy some plums. However, as she cut the 1st one open a white-colored interior was revealed. “You bought white-fleshed plums... I wanted the red ones...You bought plum prunes!” Folks I was heretofore unaware as to the different colors of a plums’ insides, but I now know exactly what plums all those prunes you see on the store’s shelves started out as! The Husband-What -Were-You-Thinking?-move; sadly my most-common one!

Vignette #3: BB is dressed for work. She’s a health professional who now wears scrubs to work changing into civilian clothes for home. The scrubs are a washed-out light green color & she has a gray jacket on for it’s a rainy day. BB puts on a pair of ankle high gray boots suede/nu-buck material & asks, “Do you think these boots match my jacket or do you think the other pair does?” Next to her is a pair of ankle high suede/nu-buck boots, gray, but 1 shade darker w/small rhinestones embedded. I say, “I like the pair you’re wearing”...
Now folks this is absolutely the worst answer out of all the wrong possible answers. This was a rookie mistake & I could hardly believe I said it, but those were the words that came out of my mouth. This set’s one up for so many Queen’s Unhappy-Wife’s Offensives. To name just a few:
  • What don’t you like about the other pair?
  • Why do you like this pair?
  • You just said that to get me out of the house on time (Now how could she even think that?)
  • Are you even looking at this pair?
  • Are you even looking at the other pair?

Well folks I girded my loins for the next move when BB came out of nowhere with the Queen’s Crushing Offense & I quote: “I don’t want to wear the pair that’s not going to get messed up!”
??? The correct answer is easy of course to you veterans of marriage, but when you’re dealing in real-time & can’t read it? I did not have that luxury so I countered with the Polish Weak Husband Defense: “So you want to wear the pair that’s going to get messed up?” Great counter I thought, but alas I got an even quicker move, “Yes”. ???

So there you have it; I hope these can assist some of you young spouses with your interpretations of wife-speak.
I was going to get into the “Do these jeans make look fat” scenario but to be honest, I’m a little mentally drained from recalling these situations. If any other posters want to pick up this gauntlet, please do!

PS: If you’re getting outplayed; if you’re on the back foot when she says, “What do you think of this blouse?” You can play the Husband Stall which goes, “You’re not wearing any jewelry; how can I be expected to make an informed decision? I need the accessories, all of them, the shoes, etc. before I can even begin to comment.” This Stall may, may, buy you some time to regroup your thoughts then again if you’re like me,...probably not...

cooking.nytimes.com

Original Plum Torte Recipe

The Times published Marian Burros’s recipe for Plum Torte every September from 1983 until 1989, when the editors determined that enough was enough The recipe was to be printed for the last time that year “To counter anticipated protests,” Ms
cooking.nytimes.com cooking.nytimes.com
Click to expand...
I live #1 a few times a day. I keep telling her she needs to use more appropriate nouns
 
22 years myself - What about the Queen's Outfit Offensive? "Are you going to wear that?" To which the immediately reply is "I was just putting this on while I figured out what to wear.... as I walk back to the closet to change into a different suit!

Another one I've noticed with DW and DSs... Instead of "Hey, Google" or "Hey, Siri", "Hey, Daddy" or "Hey, Honey" if anything is needed, lost, wanted, paid for, etc. I thought I was a genius when I tried to buy a Google Home a few years ago, but receive the backlash of "Why would I want that? I don't want something listening to me!!". The next morning, I was greeted to a barrage of trivial questions... "What time is it?", "What's the weather going to be today", "What do we have going on today?"... all questions I was hoping DW would use the stupid thing for while I enjoyed my morning coffee. It was then that I realized... I AM GOOGLE HOME!!!
 
Stealth_81 said:
I’m clearly doing it wrong because I’m way past jangling the keys. I’m in the truck, engine running, and backed out of the garage and halfway down the driveway.

We have always blamed our different sense of time on our careers. Being in the Fire and EMS service for so many years, I consider anything more than 30 seconds out the door to be unacceptable. She is a scientist. She weighs every bit of information and different permutations before deciding on a course of action.

It’s been 33 years together so we’ve learned to accept the middle ground.

Stealth_81
Click to expand...
I've totally given up. BB's goal in life is to be as close to on time as possible while still being late. BTW 10 minutes late is the overachievement bar. I absolutely cannot stand to be late.

Let's consider Sunday church services... a regularly scheduled thing. I can understand being late once in a while, but every Sunday over a period of years? You'd think someone would eventually adjust their schedule to accommodate. Alas, I've learned to endure.
 
I have never loved my husband more for his patience and humor during this exchange.

Apparently, I was annoyed about something, and he had not come up to scratch about something. (Note to lurking young people in relationships: Assumptions and Expectations are the foundation of most arguments.). As he was headed out to the garage, I loudly said something about “Don’t you know I am out of sorts?!” in an aggrieved tone. He came back in, and to his everlasting credit, did not lose his temper in return, but calmly said, “What size sorts do you need? Jumbo? I will go to the store right now and get them.” That completely derailed my snit, and we laughed like hyenas.
 
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