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- Dec 12, 2012
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I’ve been married 29+ years so most times I can interpret Mrs. Wishful’s wife-speak in my head usually w/o thinking. However, sometimes I get thrown a curve so I thought I’d help any young husbands who might have someone at home who speaks like my Blushing Bride. SInce the Queen’s Gambit show on Netflix is popular, I’d thought I would throw in some chess references when I can...just for fun!! Anyway here goes:
Vignette #1 Blushing Bride (BB) is at home & askes the following: “Honey, could you get me the thing over there next to the other thing?” Of course there is no direction provided, not even a head nod. This occurs 2-3X’s a week & is widely regarded as a tactic to keep me focused & engaged in the marriage process. I call it the Queen’s Are-You-Paying-Attention-To-Me-Opening. My counter usually is the Confused Husband’s Parry, “You mean this thing over here?” Always hoping for a good guess, but hope is not a plan & alas, mine is to no avail.
Vignette #2: BB, like a lot of us got into baking this year & fell in love with the NYT Plum Torte Recipe (link below). It’s published annually since 1985, easy & tastes great with any fruit as a filler. BB asked me to go out & buy some plums. However, as she cut the 1st one open a white-colored interior was revealed. “You bought white-fleshed plums... I wanted the red ones...You bought plum prunes!” Folks I was heretofore unaware as to the different colors of a plums’ insides, but I now know exactly what plums all those prunes you see on the store’s shelves started out as! The Husband-What -Were-You-Thinking?-move; sadly my most-common one!
Vignette #3: BB is dressed for work. She’s a health professional who now wears scrubs to work changing into civilian clothes for home. The scrubs are a washed-out light green color & she has a gray jacket on for it’s a rainy day. BB puts on a pair of ankle high gray boots suede/nu-buck material & asks, “Do you think these boots match my jacket or do you think the other pair does?” Next to her is a pair of ankle high suede/nu-buck boots, gray, but 1 shade darker w/small rhinestones embedded. I say, “I like the pair you’re wearing”...
Now folks this is absolutely the worst answer out of all the wrong possible answers. This was a rookie mistake & I could hardly believe I said it, but those were the words that came out of my mouth. This set’s one up for so many Queen’s Unhappy-Wife’s Offensives. To name just a few:
Well folks I girded my loins for the next move when BB came out of nowhere with the Queen’s Crushing Offense & I quote: “I don’t want to wear the pair that’s not going to get messed up!”
??? The correct answer is easy of course to you veterans of marriage, but when you’re dealing in real-time & can’t read it? I did not have that luxury so I countered with the Polish Weak Husband Defense: “So you want to wear the pair that’s going to get messed up?” Great counter I thought, but alas I got an even quicker move, “Yes”. ???
So there you have it; I hope these can assist some of you young spouses with your interpretations of wife-speak.
I was going to get into the “Do these jeans make look fat” scenario but to be honest, I’m a little mentally drained from recalling these situations. If any other posters want to pick up this gauntlet, please do!
PS: If you’re getting outplayed; if you’re on the back foot when she says, “What do you think of this blouse?” You can play the Husband Stall which goes, “You’re not wearing any jewelry; how can I be expected to make an informed decision? I need the accessories, all of them, the shoes, etc. before I can even begin to comment.” This Stall may, may, buy you some time to regroup your thoughts then again if you’re like me,...probably not...
Vignette #1 Blushing Bride (BB) is at home & askes the following: “Honey, could you get me the thing over there next to the other thing?” Of course there is no direction provided, not even a head nod. This occurs 2-3X’s a week & is widely regarded as a tactic to keep me focused & engaged in the marriage process. I call it the Queen’s Are-You-Paying-Attention-To-Me-Opening. My counter usually is the Confused Husband’s Parry, “You mean this thing over here?” Always hoping for a good guess, but hope is not a plan & alas, mine is to no avail.
Vignette #2: BB, like a lot of us got into baking this year & fell in love with the NYT Plum Torte Recipe (link below). It’s published annually since 1985, easy & tastes great with any fruit as a filler. BB asked me to go out & buy some plums. However, as she cut the 1st one open a white-colored interior was revealed. “You bought white-fleshed plums... I wanted the red ones...You bought plum prunes!” Folks I was heretofore unaware as to the different colors of a plums’ insides, but I now know exactly what plums all those prunes you see on the store’s shelves started out as! The Husband-What -Were-You-Thinking?-move; sadly my most-common one!
Vignette #3: BB is dressed for work. She’s a health professional who now wears scrubs to work changing into civilian clothes for home. The scrubs are a washed-out light green color & she has a gray jacket on for it’s a rainy day. BB puts on a pair of ankle high gray boots suede/nu-buck material & asks, “Do you think these boots match my jacket or do you think the other pair does?” Next to her is a pair of ankle high suede/nu-buck boots, gray, but 1 shade darker w/small rhinestones embedded. I say, “I like the pair you’re wearing”...
Now folks this is absolutely the worst answer out of all the wrong possible answers. This was a rookie mistake & I could hardly believe I said it, but those were the words that came out of my mouth. This set’s one up for so many Queen’s Unhappy-Wife’s Offensives. To name just a few:
- What don’t you like about the other pair?
- Why do you like this pair?
- You just said that to get me out of the house on time (Now how could she even think that?)
- Are you even looking at this pair?
- Are you even looking at the other pair?
Well folks I girded my loins for the next move when BB came out of nowhere with the Queen’s Crushing Offense & I quote: “I don’t want to wear the pair that’s not going to get messed up!”
??? The correct answer is easy of course to you veterans of marriage, but when you’re dealing in real-time & can’t read it? I did not have that luxury so I countered with the Polish Weak Husband Defense: “So you want to wear the pair that’s going to get messed up?” Great counter I thought, but alas I got an even quicker move, “Yes”. ???
So there you have it; I hope these can assist some of you young spouses with your interpretations of wife-speak.
I was going to get into the “Do these jeans make look fat” scenario but to be honest, I’m a little mentally drained from recalling these situations. If any other posters want to pick up this gauntlet, please do!
PS: If you’re getting outplayed; if you’re on the back foot when she says, “What do you think of this blouse?” You can play the Husband Stall which goes, “You’re not wearing any jewelry; how can I be expected to make an informed decision? I need the accessories, all of them, the shoes, etc. before I can even begin to comment.” This Stall may, may, buy you some time to regroup your thoughts then again if you’re like me,...probably not...
Original Plum Torte Recipe
The Times published Marian Burros’s recipe for Plum Torte every September from 1983 until 1989, when the editors determined that enough was enough The recipe was to be printed for the last time that year “To counter anticipated protests,” Ms
cooking.nytimes.com