College Essay Thoughts?

[Michael_T]

Any thoughts would definitely help!

Honor, Duty, and Respect, the values, I base my daily life on. These values hold a large aspect in my life, as I prepare to enter the US Armed Forces.

These values of Honor, Duty, and Respect tend to be the cornerstone of the Soldier's Creed, and the way of a leader, and a soldier in the US Army. I see these words as not only words, but rather individual aspects/ways of living that are so powerful, they have the ability to change the way a person is, or the way they live. I not only apply these words into what I say or do, but also into the way I give back into the community, or whether it may be through my grit and perseverance of never giving up in life. A quote by Martin Luther King Jr. states: “If a man hasn’t discovered something that he will die for, he isn’t fit to live.” As I’ve had the time to reflect on life, and with the current state of the world, issues both domestically and internationally. I am able to say with confidence, that being apart of what is the US Armed Forces, is what I have the utmost desire to do with my life, and I know that by being apart of this cause, that even if I don’t do anything specifically memorable, that I can die, knowing I served for my country; the country I have my utmost loyalty, and respect towards.
In the Summer of 2017, I had the experience of a lifetime, when I had the chance to speak with a WW2 Veteran, while touring one of the ships that stormed Omaha Beach on June 6th, 1944, formerly known as the LST-325, docked permanently in my city that’s in Southern Indiana. Furthermore, what makes my experience all the more special was that these tours are not typically given by the veterans of WW2, but rather volunteers who work on the ship. During this time that I had to speak with this gentleman, this is the true moment in my life, that I learned these values of Honor, Duty, and Respect, nearly bringing tears to my eyes, to hear of this gentleman's personal experiences of what he went through.

I now feel the utmost desire, or as some may have some obligation to follow in the footsteps of my elders that came before me, and served the country, to shape it into what it is today. These are my reasons.

 

[Allectus]

I suggest you have an English teacher review your essay and help edit for clarity and grammar.

 

[Capt MJ]

Edit and polish for content, to ensure you have fully responded to prompts and tell the story only you can tell. Then edit and polish for all the things spellcheck doesn’t usually catch: incorrect word usage (that pesky “apart/a part” is still giving you trouble), grammar, punctuation, parallel construction, meeting any character-with-space size limits. As is always suggested here on SAF, work with an English teacher. Read it aloud to yourself to catch structure errors. And my favorite, read it aloud to a sibling or close friend. If they roll their eyes or laugh, your tone is off.

Think through every sentence and what you mean to convey to the reader. Do you believe the values of duty, honor and respect are “the cornerstone” of the Soldiers’ Creed? Then say that, do not dilute it with “tend to be.” Those values are actually listed in the current list of Army Values, which more closely aligns with your point; those terms are not mentioned in the Creed (Army Values are), but are more of an implied subtext. This is what I mean by editing for content.

 

[Michael_T]

Final Draft; as reviewed by my Literature Teacher, I transitioned to a different topic.

In the Summer of 2021, I had one of the most memorable experiences of my life, when I attended my Civil Air Patrol Encampment, located in Camp Atterbury, IN.

As I’ve had the time to reflect on this experience as a whole, and I’ve noticed one of the most important factors of this entire event, was the creation of new friendships, that I had the opportunity to establish. When I say, I created these friends, I don’t mean this in a broad perspective, but rather I mean it in such a way that these people I met, felt nearly like brothers and sisters to me. Maybe, I’ve also taken into account that as I prepare to join the military, my perspective may be biased, such that this camps’ main goal was to give us a taste of the life of the military, with the strict environment, expectations of perfection in everything we do, as well as to follow the core values of: “Integrity, Excellence, Respect, and Volunteer Service.”
The creation of these friends was such a mesmerizing event in my life, that during the actual 1-week long event, nearly all of us wanted to leave; I now see myself with a strong desire to go back to this environment, and these people that I call friends, as I knew there I have a higher purpose, and I was surrounded with people just like me, all pitching in the effort to find a solution to our common goals.
Furthermore, into this articulate topic of friendships, it is important to note that these common goals were based on the notion that we all realized that, although we may not have agreed on every situation/perspective, we knew we all had one mission; to get through this camp, and graduate successfully.
I’m proud in saying that all the people within my group did successfully graduate on time, but this did not come without its challenges; whether it was waking up at 5:30 AM to participate in Physical Activity, or even some of us passing out from dehydration due to the wild climate. (Note: When waking up at 5:30 AM, the temperature would be like 50F and coming up to noon, the temperature would be like 110F). This leads me to a quote I found, that describes this specific situation perfectly quoted by Christy Evans, states: “Good Friends are Like Stars, you don’t always see them, but you know they’re there.” This personally stood out to me, as although I am not with my friends physically, I know that we are still all there for each other, in times of need. Knowing that all of us cadets were put into this situation, nearly like a science experiment to see if we would get along; I had the opportunity to meet other cadets from states, like Kentucky, Michigan, and New Hampshire, which was personally an exhilarating experience nonetheless.
Fortunately, I am glad to say I had the experience to create these new bonds between people I never knew, and I can easily state that this experience gave me a better aspect of friends, rather than just people who are there for you, physically. No matter the situation, as little as we did know each other, merely 1-week, by the end as we reached graduation, each of us felt like we knew each other for years!

I think it went well, as I was able to convey my message clearly! @Capt MJ

 

[kinnem]

Final Draft; as reviewed by my Literature Teacher, I transitioned to a different topic.

In the Summer of 2021, I had one of the most memorable experiences of my life, when I attended my Civil Air Patrol Encampment, located in Camp Atterbury, IN.

As I’ve had the time to reflect on this experience as a whole, and I’ve noticed one of the most important factors of this entire event, was the creation of new friendships, that I had the opportunity to establish. When I say, I created these friends, I don’t mean this in a broad perspective, but rather mean it in such a way that these people I met, felt nearly like brothers and sisters to me. Maybe, I’ve also taken into account that as I prepare to join the military, my perspective may be biased, such that this camps’ main goal was to give us a taste of the life of the military, with the strict environment, expectations of perfection in everything we do, as well as to follow the core values of: “Integrity, Excellence, Respect, and Volunteer Service.”
The creation of these friends was such a mesmerizing event in my life, that during the actual 1-week long event, nearly all of us wanted to leave; I now see myself have
a strong desire to go back to this environment, and these people that I call friends, as I knew there I have a higher purpose, and I was surrounded with people just like me, all pitching in the effort to find a solution to our common goals.
Furthermore, into this articulate topic of friendships, it is important to note that these common goals were based on the notion that we all realized that, although we may not have agreed on every situation/perspective, we knew we all had one mission; to get through this camp, and graduate successfully.
I’m proud in saying that all the people within my group did successfully graduate on time, but this did not come without its challenges; whether it was waking up at 5:30 AM to participate in Physical Activity, or even some of us passing out from dehydration due to the wild climate. (Note: When waking up at 5:30 AM, the temperature would be like 50F and coming up to noon, the temperature would be like 110F). This leads me to a quote I found, that describes this specific situation perfectly quoted by Christy Evans, states: “Good Friends are Like Stars, you don’t always see them, but you know they’re there.” This personally stood out to me, as although I am not with my friends physically, I know that we are still all there for each other, in times of need. Knowing that all of us cadets were put into this situation, nearly like a science experiment to see if we would get along; I had the opportunity to meet other cadets from states, like Kentucky, Michigan, and New Hampshire, which was personally an exhilarating experience nonetheless.
Fortunately, I am glad to say I had the experience to create these new bonds between people I never knew, and I can easily state that this experience gave me a better aspect of friends, rather than just people who are there for you, physically. No matter the situation, as little as we did know each other, merely 1-week, by the end as we reached graduation, each of us felt like we knew each other for years!

I think it went well, as I was able to convey my message clearly! @Capt MJ

A lot of fat here. See markouts above.
I only went through the second paragraph. The first sentence of the third paragraph doesn't convey anything that makes sense. The rest I leave as an exercise for the author.

In general, more active voice and less passive voice. Make your point with each sentence and don't dance around it. Just one man's two cents (who doesn't normally review this kind of stuff that needs to be yours to own).

 

[kinnem]

I would also add that the sentence with "this camp's main goal..." would work better as the first sentence of the paragraph, or even second sentence of first paragraph.

I can't help myself.

 

[StPaulDad]

I'd also review your use of commas. It's a personal style thing up to a point, but too many break up the flow of your writing.

 

[kinnem]

Agree with StPaulDad. Sometimes it's better to just put a period on it and begin a new sentence.

I assume one thing they are evaluating here is the ability to write clearly. Think about it. Once you're AD you'll be writing plans and orders. These need to be crystal clear. In a situation like this it's OK to use some descriptive stuff and even hyperbole. But the writing still needs to be clear. My AD DS is an expert at this. He provides enough adjectives to help sell himself when applying to something, but still keeps the writing clear and succinct.

Good luck with your essay. It's a learning experience in itself.