Convincing My Parents to Support Me in Applying to USNA

T

TrackMan

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Sep 3, 2024
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Hello everyone,

I am posting here as a candidate applying to USNA for the Class of 2029. I have researched the service academies for a long time and come to the conclusion that USNA was the right fit for me. In preparation, I have tried to take rigorous high school courses like AP Calculus and AP Chemistry and sought to improve my extracurriculars and SAT scores. However, a problem for me is simply convincing my parents to support me in applying. Growing up in an immigrant Latino household, my mother in particular holds a perception of strong suspicion towards the military, convinced that I will only "be sent off to war." My father might be more understanding, but I am concerned he will be influenced by my mother's opinion.

I have struggled to change my mother's opinion, and if I am to succeed in the admissions process I know I will need both parents' support and can't go it alone. How can I explain to my mother that USNA and a career in the naval service does not mean the things she thinks it does? How can I get her to change her opinion towards me applying to USNA and potentially serving as an officer in the military? I need help, as I want my parents' support more than ever in this time, and do not want to do things behind their back.

Thanks to anyone who can offer me advice on this problem.
 
This is your choice, as it will be your life. You will soon be hearing from a lot of others telling you the same. Not sure what things Mom thinks it does, but there are a wide variety of career choices for you to choose from. Again, your choice, ultimately your life. Better for you to be happy in the long run. Besides, she will soon change her mind when she sees you in your uniform if you get to the class of '29. BTW, imagine telling your Mom you want to be a Marine, yes, I had the same conversation with my own Mom and DAD many years ago.and they both changed their minds. They were, as yours are, just being parents No regrets. Greatest honor of my life. Good luck Hard Charger!
 
The future is unknown to all of us. I’m an applicant like you. When I first brought it to my mom I had statistics, research, and started the conversation by showing her stats of someone dying in the military to those of a car or plane crash because I know that’s where my mom’s thinking would go. It’s not their future though. It’s yours. I get you want their support so start small. Start with applying. Tell them it’s just the first step. See if you get moved to the next step. Then the next. No decisions have to be made at this step other than what info to include on your applications. As the processes moves along maybe you’ll get invited to a CVW and your parents can go see USNA and attend the parent groups ( I haven’t been to a CVW so I don’t know exactly what’s available to parents but I know there are some information sessions for them). During the process hopefully they’ll start understanding it better and slowly come around. If they don’t and you do get offered an appointment then you’ll have decisions to make. About YOUR life. Being a leader doesn’t mean the decisions you make are going to be easy and you might hurt people along the way but you’ve got to do what you feel is the best decision. You got this!
 
Hey @TrackMan, welcome to the forum. I'm a midshipman 3/C, aka a youngster, that means I'm starting my sophomore year here at USNA.

The summer before my senior year in HS, my mom got diagnosed with a serious illness. Meanwhile I knew as a HS sophomore, so 4 years ago, that I was getting out of that small town, and I wanted to do it at sea. So I applied to USNA and USCGA, with the state university as my safety school. I got into all 3. I told my dad in late March, when I got the appointments. He was really upset, even more than I thought he would be. First he forbade me from going (I had just turned 17 in March of senior year, so technically he *could* have not given his permission). So first, if you are going to be over 18 on I-day, you don't need the 'rents permission. But still, I get you want to do this on good terms.

My dad and I kind of shouted at each other for a while and said not nice things - nothing unfixable, thank goodness. Then I talked to a family mentor who opened my eyes to my dad's perspective. His wife, my mom, had been diagnosed with a terminal condition (let's be honest, 52 is NOT that old, she shouldn't have got this). They adore each other so much it embarrasses their 3 kids sometimes. I was the oldest and I kept the 3 of us kids from going off the rails that year, getting us to school and making dinner and supervising homework. Not only was his oldest going off to college, they were going off to college farther away, to a career afterward that could be dangerous, and not available to help take care of mom. So I talked to my dad in a series of convos. I made sure he knew I loved him, and I do. I made sure he knew that I knew, as much as I could at 17, how much he cared about how my life turned out, and how the past 17 years had been spent getting me into the best position possible (I had a couple of challenges as a very young-to-elementary school kid and my parents made sure I got the right kind of help that set me up to be confident and comfortable in my own skin). I acknowledged the danger. But it was also important to me to go do hard things with other people up to the same hard things. "Serve my country" is important, but it's also really abstract, so I think it helps to understand what it is about USNA and the USN that's calling you, because there are A LOT of ways to serve your country (Peace Corps, Americorps, Teach for America, 3-letter agencies). So I spent some time really thinking about that for myself. Doing hard things with other people doing hard things was big - school was never hard, my sport was sometimes, I wanted more of that. I wanted a job guaranteed to throw me into the world where I'd meet people so different from me that I couldn't even imagine what that looked like from there. And I felt, feel, the burn to lead sailors or Marines (not sure which yet) and to learn from everyone I work with, from lowly E-1s to O-6s and O-7s and up.

My TL;DR is, spend some time yourself getting clear on your own whys. Get really specific. Talk to a buddy or your best mate or a mentor, someone who won't laugh at you, and who will push you to get clearer. Remember, your 'rents are going to be tough on you about this. But that's actually OK, I think adults SHOULD be tough on us when we're working out our whys for something. Then plan to have a series of conversations. This is more than just one convo. Really listen to them. Don't sit there preparing your next answer when your mom's talking - really listen. Come from your heart, but be mentally prepared too. And if they say something you don't know the answer to, don't get defensive - find out.

In the end, my dad's bad feelings persisted as I left for I-day. But over that first semester of plebe year, as I started fitting in and doing well, and he worked out my mom's care and my two younger sibs stepped up, things got better between us. We're good now, we're square. This summer when I was home on some unexpected leave he told me he was proud of me, for the first time since a swim meet my junior year. So I'm starting to recognize what it's like when adults say "you have to play the long game too".

BZ and good luck man.
 
PlebeNoMore27 said:
My TL;DR is, spend some time yourself getting clear on your own whys.
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PlebeNoMore27 summed it up perfectly, and I wanted to highlight this part of his TLDR. If you do get in, you'll spend many nights "figuring" out your Whys. I still do, even though I haven't been a plebe for that long. If you're able to find your why, and if it isn't half a##ed, your parents will come around too! That's what a lot of my shipmates have told me, and I've experienced it in a way too. Find your why, expend on it, and tell it to your parents wholeheartedly.
 
You've received sound perspectives above. I'll add just a few points, as the parent of a USNA grad and AROTC senior.

First, don't deny your mother's concern about possibly going to war. Because that could very well happen. Saying "the odds are low" might be true, but it's not a convincing argument for many. Simply acknowledge that yes, going to war is very possible. Concede to her this point.

Second, help your mother see the 2-3 most important benefits of being a commissioned officer. For many, the biggest benefit is the leadership training and experience, which I believe is unparalleled for young people. As an O-1, say at 22 or 23 years old, you could be responsible for a few dozen men and women, plus a few million dollars worth of materiel. Many civilians don't get that level of responsibility until their 30s or 40s, if at all. This by itself will set you up for a great civilian career afterwards.

Third, tie your immigrant experience to your desire to serve (if it genuinely applies). Simply saying "to serve" is vague. Saying something like "I want to help defend and preserve the way of life that has benefited our family so much" (if true) is a much more concrete reason.

No, you don't need your parents' permission to attend an SA once you're 18. But it would be invaluable to have their support. A military career is tough. Having your folks behind you is precious. So it may take a while to persuade them, and you may need to whittle away bit by bit. But it will be well worth your while.
 
It sounds like your mother loves you and so does your father. It also sounds like you have a good sense of their perspectives but you want to be heard. As a father of a ASMA applicant, I was like your mother, but my son and I had many shorter conversations, stepping away when emotions became too strong, and we came to better understand each other's perspectives and I (and his mother) came to his side. There's no magic "line" for any child-parent discussion, and there is none here. Only advice I have is the same advice I would offer anyone anywhere: listen and expect to be heard in measure, be patient, and always focus on the fact that we all want a good outcome, assume the best of the other party, especially your mother!
 
You've gotten a lot of great advice here!

As a parent, I found the local parent information sessions held at local schools to be really helpful, as well as the parent sessions during the candidate visit weekends (if it is possible for then to attend). Although we always suspected our DD would choose a path at a service academy (from when she was a preschooler!), attending those sessions helped me really connect with how much it meant to her, and filled me with a sense of happiness and pride to see how excited she was about pursuing this path - every parent's dream is to see their child so passionate about their life path!

The parent session during the CVW was really great. They had multiple students who spoke about their experiences at USNA, both in terms of the exciting things they were getting to do, as well as they way the grew as young adults throughout their experience. The discussion about student support programs helped me feel confident that USNA would take good care of our daughter.
 
Good insightful counsel posted already.

Putting on my mom hat, I had multiple generations of service in my history to aid me in support of our son and his goals.

I think it took until pre 3/c summer when the trainings began and offshore events and training occurred that it became real. Underway in a nuclear sub? In a drill at Pendleton? Firing live ammo on a surface warfare ship? Then a solo flight post powered flight training. No nerves there for mom. Or dad.

Then, service selection. No selection is within risk. Let me lead with that. But for this mama pilot had additional risks and responsibilities.

Come commissioning week, everyone is celebrating it’s a party! I was quiet and introspective. This is the next step. Out of our control as always and fraught with opportunities and risks.

This is his path. His chosen path. He worked toward it, he earned it, and he achieved it. I’m just a cheerleader 📣 on the sidelines. Making peace with that takes time. Knowledge gleaned from this site and others has helped.
 
Hi, Asian immigrant that delt with the same problem here. I really just let them know that this is what I want to do and their opinion won't change anything. But I don't know if that will work for you because I don't know how strict your parents are. What really helped was when I told them about the benefits, jobs that won't be as "dangerous" and that I am willing to die for our country.
 
Good discussion already

To access more, there are other threads with your same question. Use the search function and read away. Your post comes up every year, it’s not uncommon.

Good luck in your endeavors!
 
Your parents want what they believe is best for you and are concerned because they love you. You may not be able to convince your mom, but, as most parents do, they will support well-reasoned, grounded, mature decisions you make because they love you. If you are accepted and join USNA, you will be receiving one of the best educations offered throughout the world. That education and all of its facets will open doors for the rest of your life. You will graduate without school debt, with an honorable job, and playing a vital role in the future of this country. Good luck and thank your parents for raising such a thoughtful, considerate person.
 
In the end, it is your decision not hers. How badly do you want to be a naval officer? What do you think she wants you to do with your life? Which life would be be happier with, the one you want or the one she wants for you? Remember you will be the one to live with your decision, not her. I saw mids who went to the academy because their parents wanted them to more than they wanted to be there. Many of them were miserable and more than a few quit. Plan and strive to live the life YOU want. Semper Fi and good luck
 
IronmanDaremo said:
@PlebeNoMore27

Having kids who have dealt with sickness and loss of their mom from a terminal illness at a young age (she was 48), my stupid allergies are bothering me this morning.

Hugs ......... 🤗
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Most of the time I am pretty stoic - mom even got me into Marcus Aurelius and ADM Stockdale on stoicism. But sometimes I want to jump up and down and throw a fit and shout THIS ISN'T F'IN FAIR!! Hugs back sir.
 
doitchie said:
The future is unknown to all of us. I’m an applicant like you. When I first brought it to my mom I had statistics, research, and started the conversation by showing her stats of someone dying in the military to those of a car or plane crash because I know that’s where my mom’s thinking would go. It’s not their future though. It’s yours. I get you want their support so start small. Start with applying. Tell them it’s just the first step. See if you get moved to the next step. Then the next. No decisions have to be made at this step other than what info to include on your applications. As the processes moves along maybe you’ll get invited to a CVW and your parents can go see USNA and attend the parent groups ( I haven’t been to a CVW so I don’t know exactly what’s available to parents but I know there are some information sessions for them). During the process hopefully they’ll start understanding it better and slowly come around. If they don’t and you do get offered an appointment then you’ll have decisions to make. About YOUR life. Being a leader doesn’t mean the decisions you make are going to be easy and you might hurt people along the way but you’ve got to do what you feel is the best decision. You got this!
Click to expand...
This exactly. To the letter
 
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