Help for essay?

talltrees

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Joined
Feb 23, 2019
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I don't know if I'm asking too much but I was wondering if someone could give me a second opinion on a essay that I wrote for my Naval Academy personal statement.
 
You can post it and you'll get feedback. But it's not the best way to improve your essay. We don't know you at all. So all we can do is tell you if your essay reads like everyone else's. We can't tell if it's true and unique to you and authentic to you.

Best way to get feedback is to share it with a few people who know you well -- family, friends, teachers. They'll be able to say if the BS meter is going off and if you're being honest and genuine.
 
Google "Hacking the College Essay 2017" and read it.

Write the Essay No One Else Could Write

"It boils down to this: the essay that gets you in is the essay that no other applicant could write.
Is this a trick? The rest of this guide gives you the best strategies to accomplish this single
most important thing: write the essay no one else could write.
If someone reading your essay gets the feeling some other applicant could have written it,
then you’re in trouble.
Why is this so important? Because most essays sound like they could have been written by
anyone. Remember that most essays fail to do what they should: replace numbers (SAT/GPA) with the real you.
Put yourself in the shoes of an admissions officer. She’s got limited time and a stack of
applications. Each application is mostly numbers and other stuff that looks the same. Then she picks
up your essay. Sixty seconds later, what is her impression of you? Will she know something specifically
about you? Or will you still be indistinguishable from the hundreds of other applicants she has been
reading about?"
 
I advise candidates to sit down with their best draft essay and circle every "I," "me," and "my" in bold red ink. Then to draw a blue box around any sentences that contain any form of boasting, bragging, puffing, or any whiff of arrogance. That usually gets their attention. Once this exercise is completed, they are ready to start over and write a genuine essay.
 
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