First of all; I feel you.
But I want you to take a step back and understand the immense courage it takes to even admit how you feel right now.
I applaud you for that and despite how you feel, it’s obvious you have a leader’s mentality. Leaders come to crossroads. Leaders get weak. Leaders turn to people for help. Most of all, all leaders, have most certainly been exactly where you are right now. If you got this far and never thought about how serious of a responsibility you’re about to take on, I’d worry that you wouldn’t have what it takes.
I’m not going to try to convince you otherwise. If bailing is what you want to do, go right ahead. I’m not going to try to lie to you and tell you it’s going to be easy— because it ain’t. In fact what you’re feeling and going through right now might be the easiest day you have in the Navy. I know that’s pretty messed up to hear but it’s the truth.
Going to war, well, quite honestly that’s just something you’ll never forget and in some cases it could hurt you. Not just physically but also mentally. Carrying the weight of your mistakes and the impact they had on others is a pretty crazy thing to ask of a young man or woman; I know. I have been there.
So, what do you do? Do you hear some anecdotal stories about how it was hard at first and then got easier? Do you listen to us on the forum and end up picking yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with it and see this journey though?
You have a lot of options and a lot of decisions to make and ultimately it will be up to you to pull that trigger. Not a single one of us will be responsible for the decision you make. Which is where my main point comes in; this is about YOU.
This is about you first. This can’t be about what anyone else thinks. This is not an opinion. This a a massive life altering decision. This is not a a crowd sourceable decision. This is about what you really want out of life.
What has been set before you is an amazing and rewarding experience that will shape you into the person you’ll be forever. It’s a privilege. You can look at the difficulty you’re experiencing and let it formulate feelings, that ultimately turn into a reaction, or you can wait. Hold. Keep steady. Breathe. Focus on the positive. Focus on your goals. Listen to your heart and make a decision that comes after clarity and understanding.
Not because that’s what leaders do, but because you owe it to yourself to first gather yourself and make a decision based on objectivity and not subjectivity. Then and only then will you feel right.
I’m going to tell you right now, walking away from this could be the greatest or could be the worst thing you could do in your life. But the one thing staying won’t be is the “WORSE DECISION YOU’VE EVER MADE.” I guarantee that. At best, staying could be the best decision you’ve ever made and on average, staying will be a good and positive experience.
That’s the data. Those are your odds. And now that you can reframe your thinking to understand the statistical reality of your decision you must tackle your next concerns— being a leader, your lack of experience, and going to war.
Being a leader is not something you’ll learn at the academy, that comes later. First you’ll be given the tools to lead. It’s up to you to act on it and perform daily as a leader. This concern coincides with the lack of experience issue and how young you are. Your journey as an officer allows you the time needed to grow comfortable in that role. So, those concerns, though valid, are essentially null because the expectations are not exactly immediate.
Going to war and leading in war are two different things. Going back to your tools, you’ll be well equipped ti handle both. That’s what you’re being prep for and that’s why you are feeling down because the level of stress that you’re experiencing right now is designed to push you to your limits.
You’re going to have days where you want to quit. You’re going to have days where you feel like running away will help you solve all of your problems. That’s okay. The reality is, no matter where you go, your ability to tap into the feeling of despair, weakness, and unworthiness —- will still be there; if you let it. So, bailing and doing something else with your life is not a solution for what you’re experiencing now. What you’re experiencing now is a breaking down of yourself and you can either use this opportunity to restructure yourself into a better person or let those feelings take over and win.
The way you win is you begin to build tools for yourself that help you cope and get through difficult times. You can do preventative work to help you not get here but since you’re here now, let’s talk about what it takes to get out.
Choices
In the Navy you’ll have to make hard choices and getting back in the game is one you’ll run up against, frequently. So, start by reducing your choices. Make them binary when you can and make the dependent on your ultimate goal. Doing this reduces stress and helps you get through rough times because you’ve shifted your focus to how can I streamline my choices instead of how do I deal with a prioritize all my choices. Take your decision to bail, for example. Is this binary? Is this a stay or go choice? Which choice lines up with your ultimate goal, is a better place to set your focus. Retreating can’t be the first option. The first question should be what is my ultimate goal and does staying align with that? So, the work to be done here is triaging decision making by a reduction of choices and a clear path to alignment with your life goal.
Positivity
Next is positivity. We can all end up in a place where we are constantly complaining or dislike our current situation but the problem with this is negativity is compounding. Think of negativity like credit card debt. It’s a lot better to not get into than it is to be in it. So, how do you reframe your thinking? Easy, don’t. If something bothers you don’t think about it. Shift to thinking about something else. Keep your eye on the prize and think of your ultimate goal. Tell yourself how excited you’re going to be when this is all over and you’re out on the other side. It used to motivate me to visualize my mom and see how proud she was of me when I was stuck in the leaning rest. It reminded me of how hard she worked to raise me and helped see the bigger picture. When I was scared or sad, I’d call her and she’d always remind of my ultimate goal. Things that bother are important, but start picking and choosing when to address them and shift to something positive when you can.
You are not alone
Don’t think you’re the only one going through this. Don’t think you’re the first person to ever go through this at your age or with zero experience as a leader. Realizing that this has been done before, many times, and by many people just like you, should highlight the fact the you have a shoulder to lean on and others that you can talk to about this.
Manage Stress
Build strong tools to help your cope and manage stress better. This will take time but you can do this.
Strengthen your will
Dig down deep inside and work on building a stronger foundation of who you are and who you want to be. I can tell you right now you have no reason to feel weak, inadequate, inexperienced, or like you’re not leadership material. You have already proven to yourself that you’re capable, all you have to do now is execute on it.
Following through
You can most certainly quit or walk away from things if you want; at any time but remember that you made a conscious commitment to be here and it makes all the sense in the world to follow through with this. For everything your start see following it through as the only option. In fact, don’t ever commit to something unless you’re wholeheartedly ready to see it all the way through 100%.
My dear friend I hope that you have all the courage you need to make the right choice and I wish you the best. Please be strong and be sure the make the choice that’s right for you.
